Mother-in-Law Problems!!!

[leleepop]

Hey Ladies I can write a book about this subject but I am having a very hard time softening my heart to my mother-in-law for that past two years. An example of the problem as it started is last mothers day she wanted my DH and I to come over.When went there and as soon as we got outta the car my sista-in-law came to grab my 2 month old baby. Then she gave the baby to her cousin who my mother-in-law told me previously she was tired of keeping her own kids. I went to the cousin and told her I knew she probably didnt feel like holding the baby and I got him and sat down. The cousin got mad and started stomping her feet. I asked her what was wrong? She said I dont have to prove to everyone he is mine in a smart tone. I said to try to lighten to mood that I know he's mine how bad labor was and did a lol. THen My mother-in-law sarcastically says everyone has labor pains. Then the cousin who I just met this second time says I always starting problems and I dont want to be there...blah..blah..blah.. I know at this point I was wrong but I reminded her that we do not know each other at all and if I didnt want to be there what was she going to do. WEll she said take it to the street. I was like I dont fight in the streets like trash . SHe got more offended by me. Well I feel my mother-in-law had to be talking VERY badly about me for her cousin to actually invite my into the street to fight so now I avoid her and she's still tries to call alot but I really dont want anything to do . What do youll think?

 

[leleepop]

Bump Bump Bump

 

[star]

Not quite sure if I understand what is going on here but just apologize since you say you knew you were wrong I guess about the comment you made. It did not sound like you said something wrong to me but I would try to clear the air. You do not want husband to start taking sides but I think people should always try to do what is right and keep the peace. Trust God that things happen for us to learn but make God proud and do what you know is right so HE may be glorified.

 

[leleepop]

Does anyone have any suggestions? I woulnt have posted my dirty laundry if I thought I could deal without input. It is alot more to the story than just this one incident and I would like some advice from a Christain point of view and I already know I am not perfect and I realize I cant expect her to be but I do feel I deserve a certain amount of respect which is what I give to her. If she were to come to my home I would have literally kicked anyone out if they disrespect her. Am I asking for too much. This is really become a battle for me and I hate the way I cant forgive. It like the older I get the less forgiving I am or at least towards her.

 

[mkh_77]

Hindsight is 20/20, and if you can see where both you and your mother-in-law have been wrong in the past, acknowledge it and commit to move forward in a positive way. If your mother-in-law cannot reciprocate your positive attitude and actions, talk to your husband and tell him how you felt/feel and what you've done to right the situation and ask for his help/guidance. Maybe he can tell you things about your mother-in-law you didn't know or consider, things that can help to make your interactions with her better. Lastly, a little prayer and reflection regarding your feelings about her might help you to feel better in the mean time.

 

[leleepop]

Hindsight is 20/20, and if you can see where both you and your mother-in-law have been wrong in the past, acknowledge it and commit to move forward in a positive way. If your mother-in-law cannot reciprocate your positive attitude and actions, talk to your husband and tell him how you felt/feel and what you've done to right the situation and ask for his help/guidance. Maybe he can tell you things about your mother-in-law you didn't know or consider, things that can help to make your interactions with her better. Lastly, a little prayer and reflection regarding your feelings about her might help you to feel better in the mean time.

Well Thanks for the reply. I havent even tried to disrespect her. She became upset with me when I became pregant. I was really sick all the time and I always do things to spoil her. I relax her hair, make pies,buy perfumes,etc. I really loved her and our relationship. BUT after I became pregnant I became sick and moody so I told her I could not do all the things she was accustom to me doing and I believe that is when it all started. I guess I am hurt because I did open myself up and the minute she couldnt not use me,she basically rejected me and I think that is why I'm holding such a grudge. Its is alot more things to the story but I would never try to hurt her or anyone else but I dont think SHE feels the same way. I have considered her past and upbringing but she is alot older than me I and I guess I am expecting too much. Thanks agian

 

[mkh_77]

If I were in your situation I would try to salvage my relationship with her. If you think you can't, at least try to create an atmosphere where she can enjoy time with your child.

Have you talked about this with your husband?

 

[charmingt]

Leleepop, Do you have a good relationship with your own mother? Maybe she can tell you some things.

 

[leleepop]

If I were in your situation I would try to salvage my relationship with her. If you think you can't, at least try to create an atmosphere where she can enjoy time with your child.

Have you talked about this with your husband?

Well that is another problem because when he was only 5 months old she was holding him and she lit up a cigarette so I had to tell her that I dont allow smoking around my children. Then about two weeks ago I let her get him again and he came back with about seven mosquito bites and two that were really red and the next day he had fever. I just dont understand how she could have let that happen. I am real funny about my kids. I will say she can come and visit any time. I have talked to my husband and he just doesnt understand because he doesnt want to deal and sometimes I resent him for it. He real nice and easygoing and she knows he wont make waves for her so she takes advantage and oversteps IMHO. I just hope this doesnt create a wedge between him and I because I really love my husband and I feel blessed to have him. I love my mother-in-law too, but I dont like her very much and I havent forgave her for alot of things.

 

[leleepop]

Leleepop, Do you have a good relationship with your own mother? Maybe she can tell you some things.

Well I have talked to my mom and she has the same attitude as me about the whole situation. She did not appreciate me going over to my mom-in-laws house and al of a sudden someone wants to fight me over basically nothing. My Mom knows me too and she did not raise me to be out there fighting. I on this hairforum tryna grow my hair and I sure dont want nobody to be pulling in it and whatnot. I think it all comes down to a control thing with his Mom. If my husband and I dont want to do what she wants she gets sad or dry. She's very munipulative. I know she doesnt respect marriage because was dating a married man for at least 8 years. So I guess I just trying to get her out my dome but I cant altogether because she IS my husband mother. See I'm new to these games but shes been doing them for years.

 

[mkh_77]

As to charmingt's post, maybe if you have a good relationship with your mother, or a mother-figure, she can shed some light on this situation and help you out.

Honestly, though, I think if you are expressing to your husband how hurt/upset you are about this situation, he should feel compelled to take some action, whether it be to comfort you and try to help you through it, or to speak to his mother. If he loves you, he should be concerned about you, and if he is concerned about you, then he should do what he can to help you.

I still suggest some prayer on your part in the mean time. It sounds as if you need to try to provide a little forgiveness in your heart toward your mother-in-law. Once you are able to do that, you might be able to handle the situation a bit better.

 

[dlewis]

At some point you have to what's best for you and your kids. This woman seems to have overstep her bounderiers in talking to you the way she did. I can imagine how she is. She seams to me the type of woman that would mistell a story to your husband in a way that benifits her.

You should really try to get over the bad feeling you have for her and maybe let her go if you know you can't and will not be able to get along with her.

My mil was awful. I did a lot of the things you did, spending time with her, running errands for her, helping her out, the list goes on. But years into my marriage, I always knew she was jealous for my relationship with her son, she turned on me. I've come to realize that it had nothing to do with me, it had to do with her son (my husband), any woman he married she would cause a problem, unless it was a woman like her. Well 3 years ago I cut her completely out of my life, she is not welcomed in my home, she can only call in case of an emergency, and she has limited contact with my children, (because she is a bad influence), and my life has never been happier. My husband wishes I could get along with her but he understands the situation.

She had recently admitted to my husband several things that I said she did were true. She needs me to help with her daughters children thats the only reasons she admitted it. Well nothing has changed, life has never been better.

 

[charmingt]

As to charmingt's post, maybe if you have a good relationship with your mother, or a mother-figure, she can shed some light on this situation and help you out.

Honestly, though, I think if you are expressing to your husband how hurt/upset you are about this situation, he should feel compelled to take some action, whether it be to comfort you and try to help you through it, or to speak to his mother. If he loves you, he should be concerned about you, and if he is concerned about you, then he should do what he can to help you.

I still suggest some prayer on your part in the mean time. It sounds as if you need to try to provide a little forgiveness in your heart toward your mother-in-law. Once you are able to do that, you might be able to handle the situation a bit better.

This sounds wise. Also maybe distancing yourself from the situation for awhile (if possible) to clear your head. I am sure your husband will cleave unto you. After all you two do come first with each other. It is nice that you have such a kind heart but sometimes you have to be tough-minded.

 

[leleepop]

At some point you have to what's best for you and your kids. This woman seems to have overstep her bounderiers in talking to you the way she did. I can imagine how she is. She seams to me the type of woman that would mistell a story to your husband in a way that benifits her.

You should really try to get over the bad feeling you have for her and maybe let her go if you know you can't and will not be able to get along with her.

My mil was awful. I did a lot of the things you did, spending time with her, running errands for her, helping her out, the list goes on. But years into my marriage, I always knew she was jealous for my relationship with her son, she turned on me. I've come to realize that it had nothing to do with me, it had to do with her son (my husband), any woman he married she would cause a problem, unless it was a woman like her. Well 3 years ago I cut her completely out of my life, she is not welcomed in my home, she can only call in case of an emergency, and she has limited contact with my children, (because she is a bad influence), and my life has never been happier. My husband wishes I could get along with her but he understands the situation.

She had recently admitted to my husband several things that I said she did were true. She needs me to help with her daughters children thats the only reasons she admitted it. Well nothing has changed, life has never been better.

Thanks for that. You know EXACTLY where Im coming from,just a menace. The killing part is she know I am too nice to get really down to her level, but I am so sick of thinking about her and her crap.

 

[dlewis]

Your husband is not blind, he has know his mother all his life and he know what she a capable of, whether he chooses to accept it is another story. Same with my husband, once it blew up he sided with me because I was wronged and I'm his wife. I can honestly say that since I have cut her out of my life we have never been closer. He still has a relationship with her, he goes by to see her, she called his cell phone but I have very very limited to NO contact with her.

I wish I had done it before me were married.

 

[beverly]

wow im glad that worked out for you dlewis, in law stuff can cause marriages to break up.

lelee - it sounds like your mother in law has some character flaws, that probably wont ever change, so you will always have issues

i agree that your husband probably knows exactly how she is, so if he does not want to deal, then i would not force him.

if it were me, i would limit my contact with her, and practice avoidance. anytype of arguments or sitations that are caused by her, just ignore it, its kinda hard to argue by yourself pretend like she does not exist, that has worked so well for me with certain circumstances in my life..

 

[*Frisky*]

Your husband is not blind, he has know his mother all his life and he know what she a capable of, whether he chooses to accept it is another story. Same with my husband, once it blew up he sided with me because I was wronged and I'm his wife. I can honestly say that since I have cut her out of my life we have never been closer. He still has a relationship with her, he goes by to see her, she called his cell phone but I have very very limited to NO contact with her.

I wish I had done it before me were married.

This sounds exactly like my current situation with my future mother-in- law...she can not stand me because number 1, she is crazy, number 2 she acts like my fiance is her "man" instead of her son, number 3 she is so detached from reality is ashame. She can't see that she is having marital problems right under her nose but she thinks her husband loves her so much and she criticizes other peoples relationships. She has made it perfectly clear that she isn't coming to our wedding which is fine with me because I told my fiance, no disrespct to him, but if she comes there clowning my mom and sister will take turns whooping her tail. We just decided last night that we were gonna go ahead and invite her and it will be her decision if she comes or not. Plus his biological dad might be there so that might be another factor why she won't show up...

To the OP I think you should distant yourself from any form of negativity that can affect your marriage..family or otherwise.

 

[leleepop]

Thanks Ladies I hate Im in this situation but I am. She asks like she wants to have my role and that is impossible. I have aleady taken some of you all's advice and I feel better already. I will try to not let her or anybody steal my joy.

 

[AnnDriena_]

You all are right on the money with putting people away from you. I've never understood why some people feel they have to have certain people in their life (no disrespect to you lee ) but they would have so much more peace if they started putting themselves and their relationship first. I hope you can explain to your husband that your mother in law and that ol' ghetto chic who tried to fight you ,are a major annoyance and you don't want people smoking around your children,etc. And that for the sake of your own peace and to be a better wife and bring a better attitude to your marriage (not that there is anything wrong with your attitude now, it's better than mine, sweety) you will be setting new ground rules for your mother in law. Good luck and God Bless

 

[GinnyP]

At some point you have to what's best for you and your kids. This woman seems to have overstep her bounderiers in talking to you the way she did. I can imagine how she is. She seams to me the type of woman that would mistell a story to your husband in a way that benifits her.

You should really try to get over the bad feeling you have for her and maybe let her go if you know you can't and will not be able to get along with her.

My mil was awful. I did a lot of the things you did, spending time with her, running errands for her, helping her out, the list goes on. But years into my marriage, I always knew she was jealous for my relationship with her son, she turned on me. I've come to realize that it had nothing to do with me, it had to do with her son (my husband), any woman he married she would cause a problem, unless it was a woman like her. Well 3 years ago I cut her completely out of my life, she is not welcomed in my home, she can only call in case of an emergency, and she has limited contact with my children, (because she is a bad influence), and my life has never been happier. My husband wishes I could get along with her but he understands the situation.

She had recently admitted to my husband several things that I said she did were true. She needs me to help with her daughters children thats the only reasons she admitted it. Well nothing has changed, life has never been better.

I completely understand I went through the same situation with my DH grandmother(may her soul rest in peace), sister(she is really ill in the head), his brothers at first I thought it was me then God showed me thru other people my husbands family are sick people and it wasn't me