More Kids?

movingforward13

movingforward13

I do what I want...
So I hear all the time that you and your guy should be on the same page about children. Well since the beginning, I have asked mine if he wanted more kids. At first he was like yeah and even discussed us having a little girl together in a teasing manner.... but now that answer has changed to an "I don't know". I would love to have one more child after marriage but it isn't a deal breaker- I already have 2 and my oldest is soon to be an adult. But for that same reason, if I do have another, I would like it to be soon (within the next 3 years)- for a number of reasons.

Trying to get him to discuss it though is sensitive. His daughter has autism (moderate to severe) and he told me that he thinks he is the reason why- something is wrong with his sperm. He has a cousin that has autism so he thinks it is on his families side. So I know he is concerned about having another child with disability. But on the same token, he has mentioned wanting a son. He said that he won't decide until after he (we?) get married- but I am not sure if that is the right idea. He sounds more excited about being a husband versus being a father again, honestly.

WWYD or how would you approach this? I don't mind dropping it but I don't want year later for him to have that regret because he wasn't sure on what he wanted.
 
When I met my husband I was undecided about having more children. I was 39 when I met him and had been firmly undecided for years partly because I hadn't met someone special and wanted to keep the option open.

My husband did not want children and made that known from the beginning. I'll be honest. It was a process to go from undecided to: No, I don't want any more.

I'm in my late 40's now and am satisfied with my decision but it was a process in realizing and acknowledging (to myself) that I had closed that chapter in life.

This is a really personal decision and I had to look at a lot of things to get to my decision.

So, all that to say this. ...

I was undecided because I was keeping the open in case I met someone who wanted a child. - then I met someone who didn't want one.
Try to get to the reason why he is undecided. It may be one - or more things that is holding up a yes for him.
 
Lymegreen said:
Try to get to the reason why he is undecided. It may be one - or more things that is holding up a yes for him.
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He is undecided because his daughter has autism and her care is very expensive plus it is emotionally draining. He is a great dad, very caring and he often talks about how he feels guilty that she will not have a normal adulthood.
He is afraid that he is the reason why she has autism so any more children he has may have it too. I don't know much about it- the limited research I did cited multiple causes for autism.
 
BlackMasterPiece said:
How about you guys get genetic testing to know your concrete chances of having a special needs child?
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I was about to say this too. There are a lot of kids that have the same disability that runs in the family. Usually they have the same parents tho. I personally believe all the vaccines are causing these disabilities...
 
movingforward13 said:
He is undecided because his daughter has autism and her care is very expensive plus it is emotionally draining. He is a great dad, very caring and he often talks about how he feels guilty that she will not have a normal adulthood.
He is afraid that he is the reason why she has autism so any more children he has may have it too. I don't know much about it- the limited research I did cited multiple causes for autism.
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Here are some questions to think about. Love is wonderful but I can't tell if you're being optimistic, being selective with what you're hearing or what.


Have you fully thought out what marrying him & having another child would entail? This isn't a help them til they are young adults situation. He already has a much bigger financial and emotional long term support obligation and I kinda respect your SO for seemingly being thoughtful before adding more. Was his desire for a son a wistful "I wish I could have a son with you" or the more active "let's get xyz set up so we can"?

Does he have trust set up for her? Is there an insurance policy? Provision for medical/long term care? Are his real extended financial responsibilities to his daughter the reason he's hesitating? How is his relationship with her mother? God forbid something happens to him (or mom) are you ready to be ongoing next of kin for his daughter?

Now the politically incorrect question. Have you fully reconciled the higher % of having another special needs child? You seem to gloss over his change of heart on children as if it's not possible that he is carrier.

I think testing is definitely in order but a discussion from both of you on what you honestly want should be shared before marriage. What is acceptable risk for you? Are you willing (or secretly wanting) to try no matter what testing says?

If you really want another child, you'll resent marrying him hoping he'll change his mind if he ultimately says no. He may be scared that he'll lose you if he says he really doesn't want to try.

On the other hand I personally could not have a child knowing special needs runs in his family. A relative has a special needs child & at a gathering that included the fathers side of family we were shocked to see there were numerous members of his family with varying levels of disabilities (not just one disease). It was generational. Males and females. I don't see how my relative saw that and still thought she'd be the exception. To make matters worse the outside kid he had with another was also special needs. It's like he was in denial that it really was him and his family genetics.

There is no one right answer just be honest with yourself on what you want before you open dialogue and broach testing with him. Right now it sounds like he may have a fuller grasp on the total situation that you're overlooking. If ultimately you're ok with marriage and no more children make sure he knows that. (You would still need to have some discussions about long term care for daughter).

Good luck with whatever you decide.
 
You just have to discuss it. There is no special way to bring it up especially if he is unwilling to discuss it.

You say it is not a dealbreaker but I think it is. At least it is on his end.

The fact that you are seriously asking and want to keep asking means you want it badly. The fact that he won't even discuss it means he is uninterested.

Even if you have a kid without special needs his specials needs kid will suck so much of time and resources that you should seriously reconsider.

Blended families are tough, I am sure you know. Kids can resent newborns because that is the one kid that both parents have in common. Add special needs to the mix and there will be a lot of feelings of someone being ignored and someone else being lavished.

I think if you can live without any more kids you shall be ok. Otherwise if he is undecided and you cannot it will be a disaster.
 
Genetic testing probably won't help because it doesn't pick up most cases of autism. Only something like 10-15% of autism cases are associated with specific genetic abnormalities. This lack of specific cause of autism is what makes it so scary and why there so many theories and conspiracies on the cause of autism. If his daughter has been genetically tested, that might help in deciding what the next step will be.
 
So I am glad I posted this because you all have given me a lot to think about.

My sister has spina bifida so if I come across like unworried about having a child with disabilities- that is probably why. I had to help major time with her care. When I was pregnant with my daughter- my mother flipped for many reasons but one of them was "what if your child has it?"
I know it is in my family but should I have shut down my reproductive system because of it? I felt no. And I feel the same way for him. He is a bit different because his actual offspring has the disability so I can see why he is very concerned. But I still feel the same way.

That said, I already have a boy and a girl. I don't need any more kids. My heart isn't aching for that. I more so want to be his wife. I just always had that idea that when I did get married, we would have one of our own.
He has said that he always wanted a son, which is probably why he is so deeply attached to mine. Fortunately my son reciprocates the attachment so they have a really good bond. I think it is a little different when the child is his though. My SO hasn't met my ex yet but at some point they will and that might be a reminder that my son already has a dad and that piece is missing for him.

One of the reason he has had a hard time dating is because of his daughter's disability. Women he has dated want more kids and they are concerned. Autism requires a lot of patience and understanding and that risk is always there that he also may end up the primary care giver. He has her part time and he is involved with her care- if anything happened to her mother, then I would expect he would have her full time.
I personally already have that in mind as at some point, we are going to move in together so I think about her own room and accommodations. I also want to meet her mother at some point and maybe become a support system for her if she were receptive. They ended amicably and she is in a serious relationship.

I do think that he doesn't want to discuss having another child ahead of time because he thinks I would walk if we aren't on the same page. I remember saying that to him when we first started. Isn't honest by any means but I can understand. He has been single for a minute before I came into the picture because it was hard for women he dated to understand the situation and stick with him regardless. This is why I am asking him all hard the questions now. I have since changed my mind, it isn't a deal breaker- but I refuse to have children after I hit 35. So he has to know what he wants and be sure on that. I did communicate that to him last night.
 
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It sounds as if you all have started to talk it out but please only press forward if you both have the same vision for your future.

Your sister having spina bifida isn't the same level of responsibility as a second child with special needs and your willingness to try doesn't override his hesitation.

The end of your post says you're ok but reading your update all the points you state seems otherwise.

I'm not trying to change your mind just encouraging you to step back and be 100% with yourself about what you want.

His dating woes and prospects are not your concern. You seem to think he can't have a meaningful relationship with your son because it's not biological instead of accepting that maybe your son is going to luck out with two wonderful male influences in his life. Unless your boyfriends actions show otherwise why don't you believe him?

Remember as you communicate to listen so he is heard not to listen just to gather data points to reinforce your position. I'm actually rooting for you two as it sounds like you genuinely care about each other. Just continue to talk, listen and trust (again unless there are actions that have you second guessing his words) as you negotiate your future.
 
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