Military SOs/Wives

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

How do you deal with always being in some RANDOM place without friends or family?

My SO has an uncle 2 hours away and friends he can always go to.
We're not married, so it's hard to get preference for good jobs, even though I'm qualified. When I get sick, I cannot be seen in this town (BAD experience) so I have to drive out of town, and whenever WE have arguments... he always has somewhere to go in HIS CAR and I'm stuck looking at these walls.

It's somewhat draining to me. And trust when I say you really cannot make friends in this desolate area.

 

[Nikki4ny]

It seems like you will have to rely heavily on the phone. Calling your loved ones and girlfriends. I know it's not the same but it does help. I'm not in your situation and can't say I know how you feel, but I am in a new state and since I'm a homemaker ( for now ) I'm home all day and it's really hard to make friends when you're not out around people all day. So I spend a lot of time on the phone with my friends / family back home.

 

[Ivonnovi]

Stay online with us, OR check out meetup.com for activiteis or interest in your area.

 

[DMJ's Mom]

I'm not tech. a military SO being that both me and my SO are in the military but alot of the SOs and Wives I know get involved with the Key volunteers and that's how they meet up with the more experienced Military wives. Depending on where you are its more like a gossip office sometimes but over all its a really good program to at least get your toes wet in a new place.

 

[tarheelgurl]

I was married to the military and it was tough being away from my family and friends. You need to get married or leave because if something goes down, and you are married, the military will take decent care of you. But if you are not, then you are on your own. My suggestion, move back home and if he is serious about being with you then he will do the right thing.

Being in a military/non-military relationship means you have to give up a lot with all the moving around and going to out of the way places. Giving up your life is already difficult even when you are married and I cannot imagine doing it with no guarantee or security.

Go home.

 

[lexi08]

I was married to the military and it was tough being away from my family and friends. You need to get married or leave because if something goes down, and you are married, the military will take decent care of you. But if you are not, then you are on your own. My suggestion, move back home and if he is serious about being with you then he will do the right thing.

Being in a military/non-military relationship means you have to give up a lot with all the moving around and going to out of the way places. Giving up your life is already difficult even when you are married and I cannot imagine doing it with no guarantee or security.

Go home.

I agree with everything you said. OP you may be better off just going back home. Don't keep moving around with a military man unmarried. That is not a good idea

 

[lexi08]

How do you deal with always being in some RANDOM place without friends or family?

My SO has an uncle 2 hours away and friends he can always go to.
We're not married, so it's hard to get preference for good jobs, even though I'm qualified. When I get sick, I cannot be seen in this town (BAD experience) so I have to drive out of town, and whenever WE have arguments... he always has somewhere to go in HIS CAR and I'm stuck looking at these walls.

It's somewhat draining to me. And trust when I say you really cannot make friends in this desolate area.

Do you not have your own transportation??

 

[Farida]

I agree with the ladies. DH is ex-military. These relationships are very stressful. If this man drops you tomorrow, you will be SOL. Military relationships endure a lot of stress, and a lot of them, even marriages, fall apart. It is very difficult even when there was a marriage, let alone none.

If he gets deployed to a place like Okinawa, they won't take you along. My advice would be to go home. I would hate to follow any man who wasn't my husband.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

If he were to be given orders overseas, we'd be getting married. If circumstances pushed to set aside the importance of us "marrying properly" in a formal ceremony, as he wants it, we'd get married. We have plans to get married and are semi-engaged, but he wants a proper wedding, not a random date with the JOP. He's already asked my father for my hand in marriage and his family is well aware of his intentions. It's not a random relationship going nowhere. And just because I'm married wouldn't make this place any more appreciable. All I would get is health benefits and some job preference. I already get the other benefits I need by working as a contractor on base.

Example: I was really sick and he was TDY, his squadron took me to the doctor even though I wasn't married to him, so I've been blessed.

I don't care about "moving back home" because I moved away for a reason in the first place. We have dealt with our relationship when we were hours apart from one another, and honestly, it's not that bad.

I don't have my own transportation simply because I just would rather handle my debt.

This town is a very rural town. If this place were more metro, and not as conservative, I wouldn't have such an issue. But please google clovis nm and see what comes up.

Security is not an issue, I have measures if I really need to be taken care of. I'm not THAT isolated, I just feel the stress of being HERE. It's just THIS place in particular that I hate.

My relationship is not on the brink, lol, I have it quite good, I'm just not feeling this town and what it LACKS to offer. Once you drive off base, life just SUCKS here.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Also, my family didnt teach me how to drive, this man did.
I've been through a lot in the past few years, and aside of THIS man, I haven't had much help from others, even my own blood.

He's letting me handle my debt so I can help save for the wedding, helping me train to lose weight so I too can enlist as an NCO once I graduate, and he takes care of me. The positives heavily outweigh the negatives, and if it came down to it, I just need to try and make more "friends" out here while I'm counting down to my Bach. degree and get everything ready.

At home, there is NO job waiting for me, and I wouldn't be as focused on my degree because I would be expected to "contribute" stressing me to focus on income as opposed to this degree.

SO ..... vs. "Home?"

Answer is obvious.

 

[Farida]

How do you deal with always being in some RANDOM place without friends or family?

My SO has an uncle 2 hours away and friends he can always go to.
We're not married, so it's hard to get preference for good jobs, even though I'm qualified. When I get sick, I cannot be seen in this town (BAD experience) so I have to drive out of town, and whenever WE have arguments... he always has somewhere to go in HIS CAR and I'm stuck looking at these walls.

It's somewhat draining to me. And trust when I say you really cannot make friends in this desolate area.

If you were married, you would get preference for jobs, the military would pay for the two of you to live together. So, it would make the place just a little more appreciable for you.

Are you working on your degree online? If not, have you made any friends at school? Perhaps you can do as one poster said and stay in touch with people on the phone, or spend time in online communities. It is not the same, but it helps.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

If you were married, you would get preference for jobs, the military would pay for the two of you to live together. So, it would make the place just a little more appreciable for you.

Are you working on your degree online? If not, have you made any friends at school? Perhaps you can do as one poster said and stay in touch with people on the phone, or spend time in online communities. It is not the same, but it helps.

I definitely understand that we'd have more money if we were married, but money is not an issue for us at all. They already pay for his rent, and our food.
I just feel guilty that I can't contribute as much as I should, but this place has a much lower cost of living than other places, so the highest wages I've seen here are $9.50, average wages being about $6 - $6.70 period. My job is part time, and is one of the more "preferred" jobs to have in this area, but the hours and the pay just don't satisfy me.

Therefore, we're chilling til I get this degree, lose this weight and roll out. If he gets orders someplace else- a place like SC, or NV, where there is a different environment, then opportunities will be plentiful. I have health benefits, I am taken care of, but living in a small town puts lots of limits on your options.

I am just a little frustrated at times is all.

 

[KEWLKAT103]

Also, my family didnt teach me how to drive, this man did.
I've been through a lot in the past few years, and aside of THIS man, I haven't had much help from others, even my own blood.

He's letting me handle my debt so I can help save for the wedding, helping me train to lose weight so I too can enlist as an NCO once I graduate, and he takes care of me. The positives heavily outweigh the negatives, and if it came down to it, I just need to try and make more "friends" out here while I'm counting down to my Bach. degree and get everything ready.

At home, there is NO job waiting for me, and I wouldn't be as focused on my degree because I would be expected to "contribute" stressing me to focus on income as opposed to this degree.

SO ..... vs. "Home?"

Answer is obvious.

Looks like you have answered your own concerns. You said the good out weighs the bad, so just stick with it until ya'll are able to move.

 

[lexi08]

If you were married, you would get preference for jobs, the military would pay for the two of you to live together. So, it would make the place just a little more appreciable for you.

Are you working on your degree online? If not, have you made any friends at school? Perhaps you can do as one poster said and stay in touch with people on the phone, or spend time in online communities. It is not the same, but it helps.

When you say preference for jobs, do you mean federal jobs? Is this similiar to getting points for federal positions like a veteran does.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

When you say preference for jobs, do you mean federal jobs? Is this similiar to getting points for federal positions like a veteran does.

HRO NAF positions give dependents and spouses preference over those who are legally not considered dependents, etc.

Gov jobs might ask, but I am not sure about their preferences.

ETA: And yes I go to school online via Kaplan.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Looks like you have answered your own concerns. You said the good out weighs the bad, so just stick with it until ya'll are able to move.

Yea, you're right. I am just wondering what those who are in my position do to deal...

 

[lonesomedove]

Just wanted to say I have been to Clovis and I feel your pain! Hang in there though, you guys won't be there forever.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Just wanted to say I have been to Clovis and I feel your pain! Hang in there though, you guys won't be there forever.

Really?!
That makes me feel so much better.
If I had the gas money, I would be all over Albuquerque and Lubbock.

 

[tarheelgurl]

If he were to be given orders overseas, we'd be getting married. If circumstances pushed to set aside the importance of us "marrying properly" in a formal ceremony, as he wants it, we'd get married. Then why wait and not marry you now?

We have plans to get married and are semi-engaged, but he wants a proper wedding, not a random date with the JOP. But the JOP is going to be good enough if he gets deployed?

He's already asked my father for my hand in marriage and his family is well aware of his intentions. It's not a random relationship going nowhere. And just because I'm married wouldn't make this place any more appreciable. Don't fool yourself on this one. You would have access to way more opportunities as his spouse than his girlfriend. There are support groups, activities on post you can participate with and a whole bunch of other stuff that you could be utilize that will make things much more bearable. Part of being a military wife is being able to survive in the desolate places and they have programs on base designed just for that.

All I would get is health benefits and some job preference. I already get the other benefits I need by working as a contractor on base. But they would be free instead of you paying for them.

Example: I was really sick and he was TDY, his squadron took me to the doctor even though I wasn't married to him, so I've been blessed. What happens when they don't come to help the next time?

I don't care about "moving back home" because I moved away for a reason in the first place. We have dealt with our relationship when we were hours apart from one another, and honestly, it's not that bad.

I don't have my own transportation simply because I just would rather handle my debt.

This town is a very rural town. If this place were more metro, and not as conservative, I wouldn't have such an issue. But please google clovis nm and see what comes up.

Security is not an issue, I have measures if I really need to be taken care of. I'm not THAT isolated, I just feel the stress of being HERE. It's just THIS place in particular that I hate.

My relationship is not on the brink, lol, I have it quite good, I'm just not feeling this town and what it LACKS to offer. Once you drive off base, life just SUCKS here.

Stress is a part of any relationship whether you are married or not. I am not trying to come down on you or anything but you really need to re-evaluate your situation. I have seen MANY young girlfriends, pull up and move to be with their "man" while he was stationed at Fort So and So. And a great deal of these girls wind up have to have a collection for them taken up so they can get home after a fight, after he cheated, after he deployed or after he PCS'd and didn't want her to come.

As an ex-officer's wife, I saw it all and am just telling you this for your own good. If you choose to stay, then be prepared to deal with the isolation.

Are you bored because you have to spend all your time with him?

The only advice I can offer past going home( and if you seriously can't go home I am sure there is somewhere you can go) is to get your own car, save some money, make friends at work and make the best out if. Because if you do get married, its only going to be the same situation but a different place. (At least you will have some security though)

good luck.

 

[lexi08]

Stress is a part of any relationship whether you are married or not. I am not trying to come down on you or anything but you really need to re-evaluate your situation. I have seen MANY young girlfriends, pull up and move to be with their "man" while he was stationed at Fort So and So. And a great deal of these girls wind up have to have a collection for them taken up so they can get home after a fight, after he cheated, after he deployed or after he PCS'd and didn't want her to come.

As an ex-officer's wife, I saw it all and am just telling you this for your own good. If you choose to stay, then be prepared to deal with the isolation.

Are you bored because you have to spend all your time with him?

The only advice I can offer past going home( and if you seriously can't go home I am sure there is somewhere you can go) is to get your own car, save some money, make friends at work and make the best out if. Because if you do get married, its only going to be the same situation but a different place. (At least you will have some security though)

good luck.

These were pretty much my concerns too. I have seen several women in the OPs situation and they did not end well These men will ditch you if they get deployed or PCS'd without a second thought.

The whole I don't want to get married without a proper wedding is just an excuse (IMO) and does not fly with me.

 

[tarheelgurl]

These were pretty much my concerns too. I have seen several women in the OPs situation and they did not end well These men will ditch you if they get deployed or PCS'd without a second thought.

The whole I don't want to get married without a proper wedding is just an excuse (IMO) and does not fly with me.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

 

[lexi08]

That's exactly what I was thinking.

These military dudes pull that bait and switch crap all too often

 

[tarheelgurl]

These military dudes pull that bait and switch crap all too often

All the time........and the locals fall for it everytime.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I understand the concerns out here, but again, he's stubborn. He is big on having all his damn family and friends there simply because he doesn't want to hurt feelings. His family makes big celebrations out of everything, so if he didn't have a ceremony, he'd be getting chewed out left and right.
I know my man, and I have discussed this.

My FATHER pays for my insurance because I am in school. Again, that's not an issue. Security is NOT an issue. My issue is having to cope in this god awful town where there is nothing to do but eat, sleep, church and work, gas is expensive and large cities are hours away. Some Military spouses are just snotty when it comes to meeting new people here, especially when you're black and unmarried. I have my periods of loneliness, but my space is not crowded; niether is his.

I have resources to leave if I need to, and I am far from a local. This is a 2.5 relationship and our assets are joined in some aspects. Our parents have met, and I am not desperate or destitute. If HE wants to get married right the FIRST and only time, then I will give him what he wants. I am not craving to get married... so I don't know why THIS marriage thing keeps coming up. I believe we need to take things properly before getting married and that does include pre-marital counseling, paying off debts, and clearing our own backgrounds before we legally join together. We have a date that is approximately a year from now. I am not SOS.

I didn't up and leave to be with him- severe circumstances brought me out here a year ago. I had a choice of where I could go, but this is where I chose to be. Even on our worst days, I haven't been stranded, and I haven't had issues of security. My name is on the lease RIGHT next to his, so he can't legally evict me, and if he were going to try and move out on me, he'd have a lot to pack by himself.

 

[lonesomedove]

I understand the concerns out here, but again, he's stubborn. He is big on having all his damn family and friends there simply because he doesn't want to hurt feelings. His family makes big celebrations out of everything, so if he didn't have a ceremony, he'd be getting chewed out left and right.
I know my man, and I have discussed this.

My FATHER pays for my insurance because I am in school. Again, that's not an issue. Security is NOT an issue. My issue is having to cope in this god awful town where there is nothing to do but eat, sleep, church and work, gas is expensive and large cities are hours away. Some Military spouses are just snotty when it comes to meeting new people here, especially when you're black and unmarried. I have my periods of loneliness, but my space is not crowded; niether is his.

I have resources to leave if I need to, and I am far from a local. This is a 2.5 relationship and our assets are joined in some aspects. Our parents have met, and I am not desperate or destitute. If HE wants to get married right the FIRST and only time, then I will give him what he wants. I am not craving to get married... so I don't know why THIS marriage thing keeps coming up. I believe we need to take things properly before getting married and that does include pre-marital counseling, paying off debts, and clearing our own backgrounds before we legally join together. We have a date that is approximately a year from now. I am not SOS.

I didn't up and leave to be with him- severe circumstances brought me out here a year ago. I had a choice of where I could go, but this is where I chose to be. Even on our worst days, I haven't been stranded, and I haven't had issues of security. My name is on the lease RIGHT next to his, so he can't legally evict me, and if he were going to try and move out on me, he'd have a lot to pack by himself.

Well the issue doesn't sound like it's with your SO but more the city you live in. I suggest a hobby or volunteering when you're off from school. If transportation is an issue, maybe once or twice a week you guys could trade off on the car, or perhaps you could have your co-worker drop you off etc... I can tell you now if you guys do get married and you plan to be a military spouse you are going to have to learn how to do for yourself and make do with what you got. (could be way worse, trust me) It can be done but you will have to make it happen. Also as for the military wives not being friendly there are plenty of friendly wives out there. Are you crafty? A friend of mine is married to someone in the military at a small base, she taught herself to bead and make jewelry and now sells it to the other wives! Another wife sews and sells dog accessories. Once my friends found out I knew how to crochet they begged me to teach them so we now meet up once a month for "craft night" Just some ideas.

 

[Angelicus]

I am going through exactly what you are mentioning, Thelauryndoll! I moved hundreds of miles to be near my SO and I absolutely hate it out here. I already told him that I am leaving here. I am lonely as hell and I don't like talking on the phone. Not to mention-- for some strange reason-- no one will hire me because I'm from New Orleans and have lived in 3 states in the past three years. I'm happy that I am independent and have my own money and my own apartment, so parting is not such sweet sorrow.

So, I'm leaving. I know you don't want to hear the word marriage, so I will use it about myself. Since I am not married and I hate it here, I am leaving. I am not giving him an ultimatium about it, I'm just going. Like you, I feel out of place here-- moving from a metropolitian city, to a hicktown. My SO can transfer anywhere (it takes time) and even if he can't he will do anything to come see me. Almost every week he drove 9 hours just to hold my hand.

I drive a 1995 Geo Prizm. It's retail value is less than $1000. Why don't you get a $1000 car or less and start driving around. I say move. Move. Move.

Did I mention move?

DO (for) YOU!

 

[tarheelgurl]

I am going through exactly what you are mentioning, Thelauryndoll! I moved hundreds of miles to be near my SO and I absolutely hate it out here. I already told him that I am leaving here. I am lonely as hell and I don't like talking on the phone. Not to mention-- for some strange reason-- no one will hire me because I'm from New Orleans and have lived in 3 states in the past three years. I'm happy that I am independent and have my own money and my own apartment, so parting is not such sweet sorrow.

So, I'm leaving. I know you don't want to hear the word marriage, so I will use it about myself. Since I am not married and I hate it here, I am leaving. I am not giving him an ultimatium about it, I'm just going. Like you, I feel out of place here-- moving from a metropolitian city, to a hicktown. My SO can transfer anywhere (it takes time) and even if he can't he will do anything to come see me. Almost every week he drove 9 hours just to hold my hand.

I drive a 1995 Geo Prizm. It's retail value is less than $1000. Why don't you get a $1000 car or less and start driving around. I say move. Move. Move.

Did I mention move?

DO (for) YOU!

Good luck Anky! I think you are making a good decision. It will only weigh your relationship down if you are unhappy. Being with a man in the military takes a relationship to new levels that some won't ever experience.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Well the issue doesn't sound like it's with your SO but more the city you live in. I suggest a hobby or volunteering when you're off from school. If transportation is an issue, maybe once or twice a week you guys could trade off on the car, or perhaps you could have your co-worker drop you off etc... I can tell you now if you guys do get married and you plan to be a military spouse you are going to have to learn how to do for yourself and make do with what you got. (could be way worse, trust me) It can be done but you will have to make it happen. Also as for the military wives not being friendly there are plenty of friendly wives out there. Are you crafty? A friend of mine is married to someone in the military at a small base, she taught herself to bead and make jewelry and now sells it to the other wives! Another wife sews and sells dog accessories. Once my friends found out I knew how to crochet they begged me to teach them so we now meet up once a month for "craft night" Just some ideas.

I work on base at the library, which is the one place I would always go to while he's at work. It's been great in helping me cope. I am a writer for a magazine and an editor as well, and I'm in the process of writing a book. I'm also losing weight and preparing to enlist.

The only real difference I have between military wife lifestyle and the one I have now is the legal title and TRICARE. That will come when we're ready, but I know I can handle this. Not all bases are the same... for example, I loved Ramstein and Kirtland. Here? Not so much. But I will start getting on the Wii more often and I'll try to keep looking for the positives.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I am going through exactly what you are mentioning, Thelauryndoll! I moved hundreds of miles to be near my SO and I absolutely hate it out here. I already told him that I am leaving here. I am lonely as hell and I don't like talking on the phone. Not to mention-- for some strange reason-- no one will hire me because I'm from New Orleans and have lived in 3 states in the past three years. I'm happy that I am independent and have my own money and my own apartment, so parting is not such sweet sorrow.

So, I'm leaving. I know you don't want to hear the word marriage, so I will use it about myself. Since I am not married and I hate it here, I am leaving. I am not giving him an ultimatium about it, I'm just going. Like you, I feel out of place here-- moving from a metropolitian city, to a hicktown. My SO can transfer anywhere (it takes time) and even if he can't he will do anything to come see me. Almost every week he drove 9 hours just to hold my hand.

I drive a 1995 Geo Prizm. It's retail value is less than $1000. Why don't you get a $1000 car or less and start driving around. I say move. Move. Move.

Did I mention move?

DO (for) YOU!

Me not having a car isn't an issue as much as it may seem. There's crappy (ie NO) transportation but I lived without it in Douglasville GA and in Lithonia...

All I really wish for is a more local network of activities that don't involve cross stitching and baking. erplexed And on my less than $1000 a month salary there is NO way I will be buying a car and paying for gas!

 

[HisBestFriend]

Hey There Girl,

I am both a Soldier and a Soldier's spouse. The only suggestion I have for you it to be a busy body. You work in the library right? If there are people that visit often, chat them up. I have been single in too many hicktowns and that is how I met people and I "don't like people"

Your SO probably has friends with GFs, even if they aren't totally your cup of tea, some interaction is better than nothing at all. Again, just something that kept me from getting hella lonely when I was in Hicktown USA courtesy of the US Gov't.

Oh, and yeah, burn up those phone lines!!

Your know your SO isn't the problem but as the town wears on you, you may begin to resent him "dragging" you there, make him responsible for getting you out sometimes, but ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness. Hope you find something so that it doesn't spill out to other aspects of your life.

HTH