Mentally Transitioning... (Not for the easily offended)

[PeanutButterandHoney]

Cosigning this.
People feed off of the energy you put out. When you appear insecure, people start wondering what might be wrong with you that you feel insecure about. You have to walk up in the piece like "I'm here, and what??!! Be happy I'm here to grace you with my presence!!"

And in education, I'm still not understanding how your hair is affecting anything. Are you saying you wont get respect/promotions/etc without having straight hair?

I feel it is the respect factor.
It's not that I don't get respect without str8 hair.
Its how much I realized how much respect I WASN'T getting with my regular hair.
I believe that my straight hair put a lot more people at ease with me.
It allowed my assertiveness to not be taken as aggressiveness.
I feel like people got past me being a nappy BW and it's funny because in one week, people were trying to get to know me, and I have been here for three years.
Damn shame, IMO.

I'm so glad you had the courage to be honest. Because if I were ever to transition, this is probably how I would feel. If I go natural, I'd want to be a straight natural, because I just feel that it would be better on me personally.

have you thought about BKT?

I haven't thought about BKT.
But, I am still in the "hell no" stage. lol
I don't believe a BKT is "natural", I believe it is a chemical process.

This tread has blessed me tremendously. Thank you OP and all who have and will post.

I feel good I was able to help.

First of all Zee, thank you for having the guts to be upfront about this issue.

I've often thought that growing Afro-textured hair is not just a matter of a regimen and products, but it is a psychological reconditioning. Think Pavlov's dogs. We've grown up in a society where the standard of beauty is long, pin-straight hair on a blue-eyed blonde with a high forehead. We go into any store and see something as simple as a comb, and sometimes can't use it on our hair. Makes one feel different and unaccepted...even unacceptable.

Relaxers have given us a false sense of security for years. One old-style hairdresser even told me that people wear relaxers for so long that they think they have "good hair". Grrrrr. But true.

Zee, it's the way you look at things in life. Straightening makes the hair more manageable. It is not a value judgement. It is not a medical treatment. It is not a secret or a punishment. It is making being a girl a little bit easier in the morning before work.

I grew up in a white neighborhood so I've seen the downside of their hair. My grandmother used to say their hair was so "stringy". Their hair doesn't hold a curl well. Pin-straight hair CANNOT have an afro, puffs, nice juicy braids or twists. I saw an employee of mine turn green with envy once when I walked in with a braid-out. "HOW do you DO that to your hair?"..Me: I just braid it after I wash it.".....Beautiful shade of green her face was.

Anyway. When you want to turn some brother's head with your swangin' hair, flat iron. Love your hair when it's wet and shrinks. You are not your hair. You are not your hair. It's just hair. IT'S JUST HAIR. And it is God's gift to you to enhance your natural beauty.

De-programming our minds in this country from constant racial assault takes time. Obama's election is helping to heal the sickness called American Racism...and for that reason he is the best thing that has happened to this country. But it will take time....just like loving our hair.

YOUR HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL. YOUR HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL. Straight, shrunken, relaxed or natural. Know that.

Thank you so much for your post.

It is sad, but this is just how society is on the whole.
I'm sort of going through the same thing (I'm a year into my transition).
It's not only about straight hair though... its also about 'long' hair.
Honestly, if it wasn't for certain peoples view, including my BF's and dads, I would BC. I know it shouldn't be that way .
When I say I want to cut my hair, people just don't understand at all (especially since I've grown it out).

So, I want to at least transition for another year and take it from there.

A mental transition is truly a big part of this, but I think it will just take time.

My man's opinion is the main reason why I won't BC.
He is very supportive, reminds me to BC and even looks at natural styles with me and is very excited for my to BC.
But, when he said that comment, it made me think he was supporting ME and not the HAIR (IMO, it has to be a support of both)

 

[-PYT]

I love this thread...I'm 6 months into this transition and my newgrowth has really started fighting me. Every wash is starting to become a struggle, but last night, I took my time and was gentle. I know I have the same road to go down as you ladies, and I know that no one has helped me more than you guys and my mom, who's natural

 

[Honey01]

I find your post very honest and refreshing. Not the least bit offensive. Though I am not natural I can totally relate.

Some months ago I tried to transition. My hubby was not crazy about the idea. But then when I started talking about bc'ing, he had a fit. I worried that my hubby would not be attracted to me. I eventually gave in partly due to his disapproval and the difficulty I was having maintenance wise.

I am considering trying again.

 

[YankeeCandle]

I just want to say that your post really moved me. Your honesty with yourself (and us) was very touching, and I feel you are a much braver soul than many I've talked with about hair issues. Many people insist that they are not swayed by what society tells them is beautiful, but on some level, even subconsciously, how can we all not help but be?

Personally, I believe you will be "cured" of your melancholia when you get back into the rhythm of naturalness and start to notice all the good things about it. Just today, a sraight-haired Euro-American woman said to me : "Wow, your hair is really curly. It looks short, did you cut it?" I said, "Yes," and then added proudly, "But my hair looks different based on how recently I washed it , whether I stretched it out, whether I wore it up in a ponytail or bun the night before, how humid it is, whether I twirled it, etc. It is not like straight hair; it does whatever I tell it to and changes forms."

Add to that the not worrying about stray drops of water of humidity, the ability to look like you have more hair than you really do, and other benefits of natural hair, and I think you will be happy with your choice.

Most of us here know that permed hair and natural-but-straightened hair each have their own benefits , too, but since you are returning to natural now, I thought I would point out its own "plus-es."

 

[jasminea]

Thanks for your post! I am relaxed but have many issues when I think of going natural, like my lack of desire to spend a lot of time on my hair. Your post has allowed for a great discussion! I wish you all the best in your hair journey.

 

[Mz.MoMo5235]

i've been natural for a while and i think i just barely became natural mentally. i mean i was still flat ironing for special occasions like birthdays and going out cause i still had stuck in my head "that" is what was an acceptable appearance.

 

[LatterGlory]

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[ThickHair]

I find those who are at ease with their natural hair are those who just do what they do and not seek approval from others. When you involved other people in your decision it just becomes a mess and you start second guessing yourself. If you want to BC do it, don't ask what other's think. At the end of the day it is you and everyone else can get on the bus or wait for the next one. I really don't understand the difficulty.

Also I don't understand who folks' family member's, SO's and friends can actually be so rude as to say what they like or dislike on another person's head. I am at a complete loss on that one. I have never encountered negative comments or anything. I guess it is my walk, I hold my head up high and keep struttin so I don't get any negativity.

 

[jazzyto]

Thanks for keeping it real OP! enjoyed the thread

 

[chiprecious]

I never understood what people meant when they said transitioning was a journey. Yes working with two textures is rough, but honestly it's a journey moreso from a mental standpoint. It's natural. Just think if you've been doing something your whole adult life and you do a 360, of course you're going to have an adjustment period.

It's made me stronger and more confident. Like you, I'm a 4b chick. However I've gotten nothing but strong resistance from my husband. If it's not straightened, he's fussing and having a hissy fit. He even went so far as to say the natural look does nothing for me. I honestly think he does it to wear me down to relax again. It bothered me at first, but a light bulb went on. I was born a 4b. God made me this way. I was beautiful with a relaxer and my hair does not dictate my beauty. Whomever doesn't like it can find a natural style they like for me or SHUT YOUR FACE!

 

[Miss*Tress]

Thats the thing, I haven't. Maybe it's been my environment or the people I interact with, but I've never ever had a guy make a nasty or rude comment about my natural hair or say he wishes it was straight. And it breaks my heart to read when sisters go through this. Its a mess! The nerve of some of these men!! I'm sorry for you ladies that have dealt with this. I'm even more sorry for any man who DOES come at me like that LOL

I'm right there with you on this topic. My (then) husband preferred my hair when I didn't roller set it and was always playing in my curls & coils.

Ladies, hold your heads up when you wear your beautiful crown of natural hair. That hair makes us unique and stand above the crowd.

 

[tenjoy]

Zeel Olady is going natural for you? If you prefer your relaxed hair, dont feel bad about it. Me personally I cant deal with it right now, i plan to continue relaxing.

 

[vainღ♥♡jane]

i agree with tenjoy. what are you trying to prove and who are you trying to please by going natural? maybe its just not for you at this time. there is nothing wrong with being relaxed if you prefer straight hair. i know its the pc thing for everyone to be ecstatic about their natural hair, but thats not always the case. don't feel bad about it. maybe you'll get to the point where you fully except it later in life.​

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

^ Tenjoy and Vain Jane,

I decided to go natural because my relaxed hair was thinning.
Nothing really too deep.
I wanted long Thick hair, and IMO
my relaxed hair wasnt going to do that.
I am tired of the 12 week touch ups
I am also tired of not having any options with my hair.
I workout a lot and I feel that being natural can compliment my lifestyle.

Thank you ladies for all your support

I have decided this weekend I am going to BC.
Forget what everyone has to say about it.
I am going to do it Friday night that way I have all Saturday to get it braided if I am just too ashamed.

Tired of living my life by everyone else's standards

 

[tenjoy]

i agree with tenjoy. what are you trying to prove and who are you trying to please by going natural? maybe its just not for you at this time. there is nothing wrong with being relaxed if you prefer straight hair. i know its the pc thing for everyone to be ecstatic about their natural hair, but thats not always the case. don't feel bad about it. maybe you'll get to the point where you fully except it later in life.​

Right. If your going to spend hours straightening/stretching/processing your natural hair erplexed. Your crying, you dont like it, change it.

If relaxing your hair is conforming, then so is growing/retaining your hair.

 

[tenjoy]

^ Tenjoy and Vain Jane,

I decided to go natural because my relaxed hair was thinning.
Nothing really too deep.
I wanted long Thick hair, and IMO
my relaxed hair wasnt going to do that.
I am tired of the 12 week touch ups
I am also tired of not having any options with my hair.
I workout a lot and I feel that being natural can compliment my lifestyle.

Thank you ladies for all your support

I have decided this weekend I am going to BC.
Forget what everyone has to say about it.
I am going to do it Friday night that way I have all Saturday to get it braided if I am just too ashamed.

Tired of living my life by everyone else's standards

aww dont do anything drastic. Have you tried texlaxing? that way you still have some pattern and that can give some fluff to it?

You know you should probably try that dry Jherri curl system. I forget the members here thst have them, but its not a juicey kit at all.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

Jerri curl? No thanks, lol
As for textlaxing, that is the same as relaxing it.
I feel caught in two hard places because I am not saying I don't want to relax.
I am not saying I don't want to be natural.
What I am saing is I don't like my texture, To be flatly honest.
My dichonomy is that I don't like my texture, so does this mean I shouldn't go natural?
Is going natural more than liking my texture, or is that the most essential piece in going natural?

I think relaxing it is just as permanent or drastic as cutting it. Either process can't be reversed.

 

[lovenharmony]

ZeeOl'Lady, I know you stated that you didn't want to try BKT because you said it was a chemical. It actually isn't a chemical, it's a Keratin treatment..a natural protein which is the building blocks of hair. If you're worried about the formaldahyde, there are many BKTs that do not include that in their products. I feel it's the best of both worlds since you can get the straight look without having to relax your hair. The best thing about it is that it's NOT permanent, so you can enjoy a different texture without having to give up your natural hair. Jut my

Learning to accept your hair in it's natural state can be challenging for many, so take your time! Don't rush into a decision about BCing or you may come to regret it. Just take comfort that there are many ladies here on the board that will support you in whatever you decide what's right for you and your hair.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

Can you direct me to any brands/ etc that talks about exactly WHAT the BKT (without the formadelhyde) does for your hair?

I admit that I am pretty ignorant to the different forms and exactly what the treatment is?

Can you tell me a lil about it?

 

[tenjoy]

Jerri curl? No thanks, lol
As for textlaxing, that is the same as relaxing it.
I feel caught in two hard places because I am not saying I don't want to relax.
I am not saying I don't want to be natural.
What I am saing is I don't like my texture, To be flatly honest.
My dichonomy is that I don't like my texture, so does this mean I shouldn't go natural?
Is going natural more than liking my texture, or is that the most essential piece in going natural?

I think relaxing it is just as permanent or drastic as cutting it. Either process can't be reversed.[/QUOTE]

This is true!

I dont like my natural texture either. I dont like hotcombs either, but im sure my beloved maxiglide could straighten it whenever. Shoot even though I have a relaxer I still use some form of heat.

You can BC but are you going to do when it grows back?

 

[carameldelight87]

One thing I will say is don't assume the texture of ur hair now (with the relaxed ends) is how it's going to be forever. Those relaxed ends can weigh down ur natural curls. When u cut it off, it may look completely different! But even if it doesn't, know that whatever is growing out of ur scalp is beautiful!

I understand the looks u get with BSL straight hair. People are fascinated with long Black hair simply because they never thought it could exist. They get so caught up in it it can be scary and discouraging at times. Don't let it get u down. There are people like us (ur LHCF sisters) who will always be here to drool over ur kinky coils and ur full afro.

 

[lovenharmony]

Can you direct me to any brands/ etc that talks about exactly WHAT the BKT (without the formadelhyde) does for your hair?

I admit that I am pretty ignorant to the different forms and exactly what the treatment is?

Can you tell me a lil about it?

Theres a major BKT support thread in the forums if you'd like to know more about it. Here's the link;

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=357933&highlight=bkt+support

As the thread states, it's not cheap and it's not for everybody...I thought I should just throw the option out there for you since you would like to be natural but are not quite ready to accept your hair's texture.

Generally BKT is a keratin treatment that helps to strengthen and smooth the hair giving it more managebility and styling options. It gives you the relaxer look without the damage or permanence of having straight hair. I consider it the ultimate press that does not revert with humidity.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

Jerri curl? No thanks, lol
As for textlaxing, that is the same as relaxing it.
I feel caught in two hard places because I am not saying I don't want to relax.
I am not saying I don't want to be natural.
What I am saing is I don't like my texture, To be flatly honest.
My dichonomy is that I don't like my texture, so does this mean I shouldn't go natural?
Is going natural more than liking my texture, or is that the most essential piece in going natural?

I think relaxing it is just as permanent or drastic as cutting it. Either process can't be reversed.[/QUOTE]

This is true!

I dont like my natural texture either. I dont like hotcombs either, but im sure my beloved maxiglide could straighten it whenever. Shoot even though I have a relaxer I still use some form of heat.

You can BC but are you going to do when it grows back?

I will just let it grow to my ankles if that's what it will .
My plan is to have long and thick hair.
If I thought I could attain that relaxed, transitioning wouldn't be an option.
But for MY hair, I dont think it is.

Theres a major BKT support thread in the forums if you'd like to know more about it. Here's the link;

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=357933&highlight=bkt+support

As the thread states, it's not cheap and it's not for everybody...I thought I should just throw the option out there for you since you would like to be natural but are not quite ready to accept your hair's texture.

Generally BKT is a keratin treatment that helps to strengthen and smooth the hair giving it more managebility and styling options. It gives you the relaxer look without the damage or permanence of having straight hair. I consider it the ultimate press that does not revert with humidity.

Thank you.
I would love an anti-humectant for my hair.
I live in FL which makes straightening a nightmare.

I will read the thread now.

 

[kryolnapps]

Jerri curl? No thanks, lol
As for textlaxing, that is the same as relaxing it.
I feel caught in two hard places because I am not saying I don't want to relax.
I am not saying I don't want to be natural.
What I am saing is I don't like my texture, To be flatly honest.
My dichonomy is that I don't like my texture, so does this mean I shouldn't go natural?
Is going natural more than liking my texture, or is that the most essential piece in going natural?

I think relaxing it is just as permanent or drastic as cutting it. Either process can't be reversed.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I can feel how tortured you are because I've been there. I transitioned for 10 months. My hair was screaming at me: Cut me off already! But I wasn't ready mentally. I remembered what my texture was like without relaxers and I did not like it at all! Yes, I’m 4b.

Just like you, becoming natural wasn’t because I had a deep epiphany, it was by force: I had a bald spot due to a bad relaxer and my hair was severely breaking and thinning. I looked all over the internet for a ‘natural relaxer’ or an alternative. If BKT was available to me back then, I would’ve jump on it with a quickness, lol.

I took my time. I did not listen to negative comments or put pressure on myself. I used extension braids and roller sets. I tried different products to see how my natural hair would react to them. I started to enjoy my journey and understand how deep this ‘good hair’ stigma went. I went through all the stages: shock, disbelief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance of my natural texture. I love my hair. (I never thought I would say that!) My hair texture did not change, I did.

What I’m saying is take your time. Try things out. Do your research. Experiment. Be patient with yourself. If going natural is meant for you, you’ll know it. If you try it and it’s giving you more pain than joy, try something else. Life can be difficult enough without us complicating it because of our hair.

 

[Kayluv]

Thank you ladies, so much for your advice.
I was so resentful of my hair for a few days.
Even today, I woke up and saw my dull-looking NG and I was thinking "here we go again".
I feel like my thick hair is a blessing and a curse.

I am just going to get some braids on Friday, hopefully that will buy me 6 weeks.
I don't know.
I was thinking if i DID relax, there is no way I am ABLE to relax this NG.
It's too long and thick.
That would mean i would have to go to a professional and I DO NOT trust anyone with my hair besides my sister. She lives across the US so that's out.

I almost want to shave my head.

Oh, I DO have a man, but it is nice to feel attractive, even from outside sources.
He has been very supportive in my transition, but when I straightened my hair, he got tipsy and accidently gave me too much truth.
His EXACT words:
"Luv, you are gorgeous, but when you're hair is straightened, it makes me go crazy. I mean, it's so long and stuff.

*points to his bff* Y'all see my baby got that good hair. **** Chris Rock ol' skinny a**, he ain't talkin 'bout my baby" (I'm thinking no, but he talking bout YOU saying good hair and all..lemme not digress)

I then said "You know how I feel about 'good hair'.
He then goes on to tell me that he loves my hair and is anticipating my going natural but sometimes he kinda doesn't want me to go natural.
I ask him why and he said
"because Im scared you won't do nothing with it, like you don't do nothing with your hair now".
I get silent...
..I mean... I do stuff with my hair. A lot of stuff. My guess is his "nothing"=straightening it.
I told him it hurt my feelings he said "you know you sexy, and I ain't hurt yo feelings" and he brushed it off.
This and other stuff kinda validated my feelings.

Anyway, someone asked me about corporate. Let's just say I work in education and I am one of four blacks (and only one in a leadership role) of 200 employees.
My hair DOES matter in my professional appearance.

Thank you all for the tips and advice.

Your honesty is very refreshing and I too agree that in some corporate places of employment, that hair does matter in one's professional appearance.

 

[shamarie]

Thank you for your honesty, although I cant offer you any advice may i say this without offending anyone .....Im not natural nor transing. but I want to be natural so bad butttttt, the reason I cant do it, is because of the EXACT thing your going thru. Im not ready to embrace mentally, so I will wait and admire from afar. This is a good thread....Maybe someone can start a thread on the mental transing. that you mention......wishing you well.

 

[sharifeh]

awww, best of luck with everything!!!

 

[nakialovesshoes]

Jerri curl? No thanks, lol

I am one of the members on here that has a dry curl. I was a natural that had wavy, curly & kinky hair all on one head & it was the dry, kinky hair that made me go & get a curl. It is in the center of my head & it seemed no matter what, it was always dry & I hated it.

My stylist told me that in order to get a uniform curl pattern, a curl was my only option. And she rodded it on the flexi rods & voila, I became a "faux natural." Unless I divulge, no one even knows that it is a curl. My own husband didn't know I had a curl until months later. He was complaining that I went to the salon & came back looking exactly the same.

However, I feel your pain. From time to time, I get my hair flat ironed & even I sometimes hate when it's time to wash it & go back "faux" natural. I came to this thread because I've been trying to figure out what to do. I haven't touched up my curl since June & was even thinking about transitioning but the truth is I don't care for the texture of my natural hair. But I think I get more compliments overall on my curl than I do on my straightened hair.

Would hubby prefer it straight all of the time? Yes. But at the end of the day he always says it's my hair & I'm beautiful regardless. Like I have 6 Celie plaits in my hair right now as I do most nights & it doesn't change anything as far as our love life is concerned.

I did see the "Good Hair" movie & the only reason why I won't get a relaxer again is simply because of the chemicals. It's like I'm torn. I really want to be chemical free but I really don't want to deal with my natural hair. And the look I get with the curl is the look I wish I could've achieved without hours of work (& some KCCC) on my natural hair. So for now I've decided to just keep transitioning.

I don't know if I'll be able to keep it up but my plan is to try & grow my natural hair to my goal length of BSL. At that point I'm going to give my natural hair one last shot. I'm secretly hoping that the weight of the hair will somehow make my kinky hair more manageable & I'll fall in love. And if not...I'll just go get another curl.

Yeah, I'm longwinded & I'm sorry. Basically I wish I had the answer but I don't. Though I'm not interested in relaxers anymore I would never tell anyone not to get one. YOU have to be pleased with your hair & if you feel better with straight hair then go ahead & relax. Or if you desire to be chemical free, then just become a straight haired natural. You could transition indefinitely with that option.

Whatever you decide, keep us posted...

 

[*Muffin*]

In a lot of things, the hardest thing to over come is our own personal bias. I'm going through the same thing. I know I want to be natural one day, but I fear that I won't be able to care for my hair and I will have gone natural for nothing. So I'm gradually trying to learn how to care for and style my hair, and I want to start stretching my relaxers for 6 months so that I can get used to dealing with more of my natural texture. For some people it's easy. It's just hair and it grows back, but for others there is a lot of emotional attachment to their hair and how it looks like. It's a sense of self. You are feeling the way you are feeling because you have wrapped your identity in with your hair. But know that those people were looking at YOU--not just your hair. They were gazing and the confidence you exuded because you knew you looked good and nobody could tell you that you didn't. Just remember that feeling and carry it with you when you finally decide to go natural. Gradually, I believe you will start to love your natural texture. You are still you, straight hair or kinky hair .

 

[KrystalClear]

Aww it's gunna be okay. I knowww the feeling (as many of us probably do). My significant others family saw my hair straight for the first time EVER and they were complimenting me heavily. Plus they were saying things that hurt my feelings (more so the father). He said I looked human now (lol) It's funny now, but needless to say. I RARELY wear my hair straight because I don't want to have it straight for 1 (I love big hair and curly hair, I always think it's pretty) & 2, I hate for people to act like I'm "Better" with straight hair. Just find happiness in yourself, and you will be okay. =)