Marrying a man with kids

[Renewed1]

Scenario: You're marrying a good man that has two kids from a previous relationship. He takes good care of his kids and see them everyday. Him and the children's mother have a good relationship and believes in doing whatever is right for THEIR kids.

You (the wife) do not have any children of your own. Your husband wants to have a joint checking/savings account; because he believes what yours is his and vice versa. He is willing to share everything with you. BUT he does not want you to have a say in the raising of HIS kids. He feels that the mother and him should make the decision regarding their children.

What would your rebuttal be?

What is your suggestion to the wife be?

 

[kismettt]

i'm not sure why he'd want to marry someone who is obviously will have a significant role in his kids lives but have them have no say?

i don't think as his new wife i'm all of sudden their momma & can tell them if they can or cant go to gymnastic practice (or whatever). BUT there needs to be an understanding that they respect what i have to say because i have their best interest at heart.

i don't think someone can marry another woman if they don't grasp that she WILL have an impact on a child's life.

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

What would your rebuttal be?

What is your suggestion to the wife be?

I think its important for the children to respect the new wife, but I agree with the husband. The new wife should not have a say in raising the kids (aside from if they are in immediate danger). So, I also think that the accounts should stay separate. Not because of the children, but because it is the fiscally responsible thing to do. You stated that the mother and father are doing a good job communicating/raising the child. A third party is just that -- a third wheel. The new wife and child should just be present respectful in each others lives, because the child already has parents.

 

[exoticmommie]

If he wants me to have no say with the kids. Then he will have no say with my money. God forbid, it gets nasty, and now that my money is our money. She will try and get some of that money. And he will probably expect for me to still not have any say in regards to our money and his kids. And I would be totally fine with keeping it seperate. You can't have your cake and ICE CREAM too, if you ain't willing to share the damn cake.

I look to the future, and all the possible outcomes.

 

[missann]

I'd ask her what is the trade-off. What is she getting out of the deal? Does he have so much money that a joint account would be to her advantage vs. a separate one? If not, keep a separate one.

The kids thing is just drama. Besides, why would she even want to raise them if she doesn't have kids? Too much going on.

 

[antisocial]

If the mother and him will be making all the decisions, then the mother and him should be doing ALL the financing. No joint accounts necessary.

This whole thing sounds potentially messy.

 

[Renewed1]

i'm not sure why he'd want to marry someone who is obviously will have a significant role in his kids lives but have them have no say?

i don't think as his new wife i'm all of sudden their momma & can tell them if they can or cant go to gymnastic practice (or whatever). BUT there needs to be an understanding that they respect what i have to say because i have their best interest at heart.

i don't think someone can marry another woman if they don't grasp that she WILL have an impact on a child's life.

I agree with your statements, especially the bolded. I believe the wife should understand that the kids parents will have a FINAL say in the upbringing.

But to total dismiss the spouses AND expect them to help pay for the kids is wrong.

 

[Renewed1]

The new wife should not have a say in raising the kids (aside from if they are in immediate danger). So, I also think that the accounts should stay separate. Not because of the children, but because it is the fiscally responsible thing to do. You stated that the mother and father are doing a good job communicating/raising the child. A third party is just that -- a third wheel. The new wife and child should just be present respectful in each others lives, because the child already has parents.

I THINK I read somewhere that if the husband (or wife) that is paying child support; that in some states the courts will consider the husband salary AND the wife's salary.

So even with separate accounts, if the courts want to increase his child support payments. YOU will be paying for that child as well.

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

RED FLAG ALERT

 

[Renewed1]

If he wants me to have no say with the kids. Then he will have no say with my money. God forbid, it gets nasty, and now that my money is our money. She will try and get some of that money. And he will probably expect for me to still not have any say in regards to our money and his kids. And I would be totally fine with keeping it seperate. You can't have your cake and ICE CREAM too, if you ain't willing to share the damn cake.

I look to the future, and all the possible outcomes.

Exactly!!! Because the mother will see it as more income for HER children.

 

[Renewed1]

I'd ask her what is the trade-off. What is she getting out of the deal? Does he have so much money that a joint account would be to her advantage vs. a separate one? If not, keep a separate one.

The kids thing is just drama. Besides, why would she even want to raise them if she doesn't have kids? Too much going on.

No, let's say the wife makes a little more money than the husband. The advantage will be for the husband, because there will be TWO incomes in the household.

 

[Country gal]

My son has two parents involved in his life. We make the major decision concerning our son. I don't have a problem with her verbally disciplining my son. I don't allow my SO or his wife to beat or spank my son. She or He can make suggestions but at the end of the day it is really up to the parents to make the final life decisions. I don't need to be involved with the day to day things that go on in their house.

 

[Renewed1]

My son has two parents involved in his life. We make the major decision concerning our son. I don't have a problem with her verbally disciplining my son. I don't allow my SO or his wife to beat or spank my son. She or He can make suggestions but at the end of the day it is really up to the parents to make the final life decisions. I don't need to be involved with the day to day things that go on in their house.

I can agree with your statement as well. But do you think its fair that the NEW wife or NEW husband help pay for the kids?

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

I THINK I read somewhere that if the husband (or wife) that is paying child support; that in some states the courts will consider the husband salary AND the wife's salary.

So even with separate accounts, if the courts want to increase his child support payments. YOU will be paying for that child as well.

OMG. I had NO idea. That is crazy! I was considering broadening my horizons (lol) and dating guys with 0-1 kids. Now I know that, if I ever date anyone they have to have zero children -- I will be checking, too!!! LOL!...man, I am paranoid, now..lol!

 

[Bunny77]

OMG. I had NO idea. That is crazy! I was considering broadening my horizons (lol) and dating guys with 0-1 kids. Now I know that, if I ever date anyone they have to have zero children -- I will be checking, too!!! LOL!...man, I am paranoid, now..lol!

Seriously!!!

All these people talking about giving men with kids a chance are NOT looking at the cold, hard dollars-and-cents issues involved here!

Again, this is not saying that all men with kids are bad and that all situations will be bad, but if your standard is men without kids and you're in an age range where this is not restrictive, then hold on to your standards!

 

[caltron]

Scenario: You're marrying a good man that has two kids from a previous relationship. He takes good care of his kids and see them everyday. Him and the children's mother have a good relationship and believes in doing whatever is right for THEIR kids.

You (the wife) do not have any children of your own. Your husband wants to have a joint checking/savings account; because he believes what yours is his and vice versa. He is willing to share everything with you. BUT he does not want you to have a say in the raising of HIS kids. He feels that the mother and him should make the decision regarding their children.

What would your rebuttal be?

What is your suggestion to the wife be?

This doesn't sound like a family that's blending very well.

I think the husband and wife are being very unrealistic about how they are going to raise their kids post divorce and it's going to end up hurting the kids in the long run. If you marry this man and the kids live with you for part of the year, you are going to be a part of those kids life whether they like it or not. It's more than likely going to be the stepmom doing the girls' hair, cleaning up the booboos on the boy's legs, taking the children to practice, etc.

You as the wife have to respect the children's mother regarding her fundamental issues about how she wants the children raised. Both parents have to respect you as a stepparent and realize you have to have a certain amount of authority over the children in order for you to do your job. The father needs to respect you as the wife and the person who is going to be helping him raise his existing children and the children you two will have together.

I'd really want to know more about what types of issues the wife and husband are having. Is it mainly financial? Is it a moral issue about the kids upbringing? Is it about discipline??

Really, the wife needs to sit down and ask herself some tough questions about the state of her marriage. I don't see the kids as THE problem because it seems the wife and husband don't see eye to eye on some fundamental issues that need to solid for a happy marriage. Even if the kids were not in the picture, it seems like this couple is going to fuss about financial stuff, and fuss when they have children of their own. The husband doesn't seem willing to communicate and cooperate with the wife (which may be part of the reason he got divorced in the first place.)

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

Seriously!!!

All these people talking about giving men with kids a chance are NOT looking at the cold, hard dollars-and-cents issues involved here!

Again, this is not saying that all men with kids are bad and that all situations will be bad, but if your standard is men without kids and you're in an age range where this is not restrictive, then hold on to your standards!

I was pin pals with this guy on a message board that is for a field that I hope to enter into in the next few months. Well, in talking to him he gave me his personal email. I zipped his email through facebook. He has three kids between the ages of 3-8. I asked him about it in just general conversation and he never would answer. Online talking/dating always makes me suspicious. I guess I know why. He is a winner . He's also attempting to be a deadbeat. His children live in one state and he wants to move across the country to another to take a job 1.5k miles away when there are plenty of jobs in his home state, where his CHILDREN are. Its actually a state that is difficult to staff. Needless to say I blocked his email and left that website all together. lol.

 

[ThickHair]

I have never heard of that. I married my ex and he had 3 kids. We kept our finances seperate not because of the kids or their mother, just cause we did. No since making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I did not discipline his kids and I don't think I should have. Thank goodness they were well behaved kids.

 

[donna894]

Scenario: You're marrying a good man that has two kids from a previous relationship. He takes good care of his kids and see them everyday. Him and the children's mother have a good relationship and believes in doing whatever is right for THEIR kids.

You (the wife) do not have any children of your own. Your husband wants to have a joint checking/savings account; because he believes what yours is his and vice versa. He is willing to share everything with you. BUT he does not want you to have a say in the raising of HIS kids. He feels that the mother and him should make the decision regarding their children.

What would your rebuttal be?

This really is a not matter to be rebutted, but discussed as he is the father. He knows his kids and their situation better than his future wife. Maybe he feels everything is fine as it is and doesn't want to rock the boat. He might be concerned about being caught between two women (the kids' mother and the new wife) and just doesn't want to deal with that drama, wants to keep it simple. But what I would want to know is what role he sees his future wife playing in his children's lives. Is he making any effort to help his children bond with his future wife and to establish her role as their stepmother? If the children are going to be living under the father/new wife's roof for an extended length of time, then she has to have some authority and he and the children's mother need to have the new wife's back.

What is your suggestion to the wife be?

Listen to what he says and believe him. Sounds like he wants to keep everything separate but the finances. Personally, I have a problem with that and its a huge red flag to me. While he and the children's mother are the primary parents, the new wife should still have some role to play. I get the feeling he doesn't want her involved period. What effort is he making to help his kids bond with her - is he making any?

And another thing: he sees his kids every day??? So he goes over there every day??? (without the future wife I'm guessing) So is the future wife cool with that? With that level of involvement with his first family, has he really moved on emotionally so that he can be fully committed to a new marriage?

My suggestion to the future wife would be to get pre-marital counseling ASAP because they are not on the same page.

 

[Gracie]

This doesn't sound like a family that's blending very well.

I think the husband and wife are being very unrealistic about how they are going to raise their kids post divorce and it's going to end up hurting the kids in the long run. If you marry this man and the kids live with you for part of the year, you are going to be a part of those kids life whether they like it or not. It's more than likely going to be the stepmom doing the girls' hair, cleaning up the booboos on the boy's legs, taking the children to practice, etc.

You as the wife have to respect the children's mother regarding her fundamental issues about how she wants the children raised. Both parents have to respect you as a stepparent and realize you have to have a certain amount of authority over the children in order for you to do your job. The father needs to respect you as the wife and the person who is going to be helping him raise his existing children and the children you two will have together.

I'd really want to know more about what types of issues the wife and husband are having. Is it mainly financial? Is it a moral issue about the kids upbringing? Is it about discipline??

Really, the wife needs to sit down and ask herself some tough questions about the state of her marriage. I don't see the kids as THE problem because it seems the wife and husband don't see eye to eye on some fundamental issues that need to solid for a happy marriage. Even if the kids were not in the picture, it seems like this couple is going to fuss about financial stuff, and fuss when they have children of their own. The husband doesn't seem willing to communicate and cooperate with the wife (which may be part of the reason he got divorced in the first place.)

Could not agree with you more.

 

[Renewed1]

Good opinions ladies. This was a hypothetical situation. I don't know any one that would partake in such a mess.

 

[MissYocairis]

I think its important for the children to respect the new wife, but I agree with the husband. The new wife should not have a say in raising the kids (aside from if they are in immediate danger). So, I also think that the accounts should stay separate. Not because of the children, but because it is the fiscally responsible thing to do. You stated that the mother and father are doing a good job communicating/raising the child. A third party is just that -- a third wheel. The new wife and child should just be present respectful in each others lives, because the child already has parents.

I agree. The children already have a mother and a father who are actively raising them and have a system in place. It isn't necessary for the new wife to bring in new or different rules. Respect what they have in place. The new wife should try though to get a strong feel for what those rules are because if they will cause her to feel some kinda way, she may want to rethink whether she is truly ready for this.

The new wife will have a strong role with the children but it will not be how she thinks. They have an active mother already. Tell her to think of it more as a mentoring role. She should let the father/husband handle disciplining the children and be sure to follow his wishes with the children (i.e. following the system already set in place...rules, bedtime, diet, activities, etc.).

With that being said...sometimes, the things we love most about our man are the things that can inspire the most conflicted feelings at times. He will be just as committed to his children after they get married and IF they have children together. This includes whatever he and the ex do for their holidays, birthdays, school and extracurr events, etc. We fell in love with him because he's a good man...a good father....a standup guy....but we have to be aware that a good man does what is right by his children even when it can mean that he will have to give them time and resources when we want him home. That's something for her to think about.

Also, she should pay attention to HOW he handles his childrens' affairs. If he goes all out for things with them every weekend or every other weekend, that won't change when they are married. If he pays whatever needs to be paid ON TOP of child support and the wife barely lifts a finger....that won't change after the wedding. Is she ready for all of that?

I think it's best to consider the children in situations like this. Yes, it can be a strain when you want your man all to yourself but those children have been through something (divorce) and deserve a wonderful father who is present even though he isn't in their home and has moved on and remarried. Just food for thought.

 

[msa]

Couldn't be me. I know it's hypothetical but I couldn't marry a man like this...marriage is about becoming a family, we can't do that if I have no say in anything about our child.

Frankly, if I have no say over the child then I don't want to see them or talk to them. Don't ask me to take them anywhere or help with homework or cook for them either. I'll pretend they don't exist, since I have no say I won't be saying anything.

Oh and there would be no money sharing either.

 

[krikit96]

My stepmother got a pre-nup when she married my dad... that way, she didn't have to worry about the courts taking HER money when my mom went back for child support for my two younger sisters...

But, yeah... I would not be helping with those kids if I have no say. And there would be no sharing of the funds since there is no sharing of the parenting.
Those little bastards would be at my house (MY HOUSE WHERE I PAY BILLS) and I wouldn't be able to say ANYTHNG? No thanks!

 

[mscocoface]

RED RED RED FLAG......

More discussion is needed and an amicable decision that you BOTH can agree with.

You said marrying they are NOT married yet? Is a date set? Get to counselling quick or this one issue will blow up quicker than they can say I DO!!

 

[MizAvalon]

Exactly why I dismiss men with kids on sight. Relationships are hard enough, I don't need all this extra mess.

 

[Desarae]

Lemme think about this for a minute.............un un.