Married Men Coming on Too Strong?

[StarScream35]

I have 3 married men coming on really strong. I mean really, single men ought to be doing this but these married men are crrrrray cray! As a single woman I'm getting real concerned about the level these men are trying to push it. All three work in my building and one works in my same department. I have checked all three and why they don't take me serious is beyond me. My girlfriend told me married men think single women are weak so checking them means nothing. If this is true, then the world really is in trouble! My dilemna is I really hate to go to HR on all three of these brothas. They got wives and kids to support and I really don't wanna cause nobody financial problems in such a crappy economy. Especially my own kind. Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do?

 

[Hairsnob]

Don't entertain them at all. Once you see they are talking more than business just keep it moving. You can't be "friends" with these types of guys. So being nice to them is like an opportunity to them and they think you like them. You may not realize something that you're doing that's giving them a signal that you're interested so they think that you can be swayed so they don't take you serious.

I wouldn't take it as far as HR because you can settle it right there if you're being direct. If you're direct and they don't listen then you have no choice.

 

[lana]

I am sorry this is happening to you. I would encourage you to be direct and do not smile when you speak to them. Let them know that you are not interested in them at all. You are not interested even in light flirting - at all. You do not want their attention.

You might have to say things like.
"You are in my space and that makes me uncomfortable."
"You are making me uncomfortable and I would appreciate it if you would back off."
"You need to respect my personal space."

or simply try not to speak to them at all, ever.

Try not to giggle or laugh when you speak to them. It's not a laughing matter and they might not realize that their conduct is unacceptable.

I personally dress professionally and very seriously and this has helped me tremendously in deflecting unwanted attention (and I'm married). Also, keep your personal business to yourself. People at certain jobs don't need to know if you are single, dating, etc. It's obvious if you are engaged/married because you have on a ring, but they don't need to know your personal business.

Sometimes being young, single and attractive can make you a target for predators.

 

[StarScream35]

Thanks ladies. This has really gotten under my skin and makes me angry. I'm always saying to myself single men should be coming on strong like this not these married bast**ds. Sad part about this is one of the guy's wife had a baby last year. I do not conduct myself in an unprofessional manner around these guys. I always wear pantsuits to work.........nothing tight or revealing. I'm in my 30's, carry myself well. It makes me mad that despite doing this, men have so little respect. Perhaps there is some truth to what my girlfriend said. Perhaps, married men do think single women are weak and just need to be pushed a little harder before they give in since they don't have a man. Just sick!

 

[NijaG]

You don't necessarily have to report them (although if they get out of hand you should). Them being black shouldn't excuse them from the consequences of their negative behavior. Some of these predatory BM count on undeserved sense of loyalty from BW.

You said, you've already checked them on their behavior and they are not listening. So next time they're acting inappropriate towards you, give them ONE LAST WARNING. Let them know you'll report their a** to HR if they don't stop and will even take it a step further and let their wives know.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Your friend might have a point. All career women or BW must be lonely and just waiting for that good (salary and benefits) man to sweep them off their feet.

If you do have to report, it's their actions who jacked up their jobs and families. NOT YOU. Good luck.

 

[melissa-bee]

I am going through something similar but only with one man at work. I told him one day in front of another coworker what he said was inappropriate and since then he hasn't even said hello to me. That was about 2 weeks ago.

 

[Funmiloves]

I am going through something similar but only with one man at work. I told him one day in front of another coworker what he said was inappropriate and since then he hasn't even said hello to me. That was about 2 weeks ago.

good one!

 

[deltadreamland]

The story of my life over the past two years. Most, if not all of my exes have married in the last year or two. They stay sending me "just checking on you" texts. Some are sexual in nature. These texts didn't start until after they got married. They know I'm getting their messages, but I do not respond. They're just waiting for me to open that door with a response. No thanks, i'll pass. I'm glad my relationship didn't work out with any of them. They would have done me the same way had I been the wife. They all suck and I hate it for their wives.

Sent from my iPad using LHCF

 

[StarScream35]

The story of my life over the past two years. Most, if not all of my exes have married in the last year or two. They stay sending me "just checking on you" texts. Some are sexual in nature. These texts didn't start until after they got married. They know I'm getting their messages, but I do not respond. They're just waiting for me to open that door with a response. No thanks, i'll pass. I'm glad my relationship didn't work out with any of them. They would have done me the same way had I been the wife. They all suck and I hate it for their wives.

Sent from my iPad using LHCF

Lord....if getting married means my man gone be trying to creep, then I don't want it. The hell is wrong with these men? It's as if marriage is a ticket to cheat. It's an epidemic that definitely warrants concern.

 

[deltadreamland]

Lord....if getting married means my man gone be trying to creep, then I don't want it. The hell is wrong with these men? It's as if marriage is a ticket to cheat. It's an epidemic that definitely warrants concern.

It is an issue that warrants concern, but don't let it dissuade you from happiness and marriage. All married men are not like the snakes I mentioned. They are ridiculous.

 

[janiebaby]

Thanks ladies. This has really gotten under my skin and makes me angry. I'm always saying to myself single men should be coming on strong like this not these married bast**ds. Sad part about this is one of the guy's wife had a baby last year. I do not conduct myself in an unprofessional manner around these guys. I always wear pantsuits to work.........nothing tight or revealing. I'm in my 30's, carry myself well. It makes me mad that despite doing this, men have so little respect. Perhaps there is some truth to what my girlfriend said. Perhaps, married men do think single women are weak and just need to be pushed a little harder before they give in since they don't have a man. Just sick!

I think, for the most part, single men get women coming after them all the time....tips on getting a man by approaching the man first really has made things even better for them, as a married man who wants something on the side you probably have to step out and do more approaching and/or the women that do come for them even though they know they're married may not be the type of woman they want

 

[Blessed&higlyflavoured]

Hey StarScream35
I just wanted to add that going to HR doesn't necessarily mean reporting them. It could just mean documenting any unpleasant exchanges, so that if a decision has to be made, there is a clear well recorded history of where and when the incident happened and why it was inappropriate. It's important to keep context so if someone makes a comment where there is sexual stuff is implied, but isn't actually explicit, then you have context. You know what i mean those sneaky innocent enough comments that make you feel uncomfortable but technically they didn't say anything rude. If you don't feel like going to hr, make sure you keep a record of your own. So when you do feel like reporting one of them your the one with the evidence. Hope that helps.

 

[FrazzledFraggle]

This is one of those taking your kindness for weakness situations. Answer: Don't be kind.

 

[FrazzledFraggle]

I work with a bunch of men (attorneys) and they are pushy as well. You'd think with all of their knowledge of the law they'd back off but they don't care if you are married or not. The only way to curb it is to be assertive and possibly let them know if they don't leave you alone, you're going to take this to HR.

 

[CurlyMoo]

Gurrrrl these men need to be watching their wives!!! I'm tired of competing for single men with married women. Go home to your man!!! Opps, he's out trying to date single women. Crazy!!

 

[StarScream35]

Gurrrrl these men need to be watching their wives!!! I'm tired of competing for single men with married women. Go home to your man!!! Opps, he's out trying to date single women. Crazy!!

Isn't this the truth! What is going on with married folks? Must not be all that..........my God!

 

[Ganjababy]

I experienced this once and I reported the person. Because I did not want him to lose his job I did not tell the whole truth. I told HR that he was bullying me, not the truth, that he was sexually harassing me and propositioned me in the most insulting and verbally violent ways.

I never told them this because I was young and dumb and felt sorry for his wife and baby. After he was reprimanded he would cuss me out regularly. Called me a black ******. Asked me why did I think he wanted me when he had his nice Indian wife.

Now if that happened I would not hesitate to report the person fully. He is responsible for his family and home, not me. I refuse to carry ANY Black mans burden on my back. I'm over that crap........

 

[Mitre]

Called me a black ******. Asked me why did I think he wanted me when he had his nice Indian wife.

Wow, I am sorry to hear about that… he really wanted to stick it to you with the indian wife comment huh. My uncle married an Indian woman and treated her like ****e. Outside of the home he would go on and on about the kids not having nappy hair etc. Trust me an *** is an *** in fact Azzholeness is about character and learnt behavior.

I learnt early in my career that Sexual aggression by men is never about love, trust, respect or attraction rather it is about dominance and control. I lost my first job because this the guy( the lead) was the bossman good friend…
Do not ever think about entertaining him or being NICE because in the end women have the most to lose. I agree that you must stop smiling, making small talk, going out to lunch and being with him alone with him anywhere. Ask him with a blank face if he is purposely trying to make you uncomfortable, and let him know that he is making you uncomfortable after he reply. If he does it again sent him an email and copy your supervisor if he does not stop escalate it or get a new job. I have found that you must nip bad behavior in the bud immediately if not it becomes harder to stop.

 

[bklynLadee]

StarScream35 hey girl I tried to PM you back but it wouldn't go through you can email me [email protected]

 

[CurlyMoo]

These men do this with women they know will let them get away with it. The though of sacrificing my self respect and right to work in a peaceful environment is shocking. Why would I put his needs before my own?! Tell HR exactly what's going on. Stop trying to save a brutha that's doesn't care about you nor his family. Unless you secretly enjoy the attention......