Married ladies...do we need permission?

[dreamgurl82]

My best friend isn't answering her phone.....so please chime in.

I am slightly frustrated and wanted to know whether its just me.

Background

My DH is out of the country at the moment and we are having to live apart temporarily It is really hard but I can't complain. We have got the hang of it (as much as one can).

Thing is, when he was around I used to ask him if I could go out with my friends without him. By ask him, I would do it out of courtesy if it meant that I would leave him at home alone i.e. Baby would you mind if I went to hang out with xyz tonight?

I work super long hours at the Plantation, so evenings (i.e. if I got home before 10pm and I was in the mood to talk) and weekends are really our only quality time so I felt it was only fair to get his input - just the same way he would ask me.

Now that he is out of the country I tell him I am going out and I go where I want to.

Today he suggested that I am being brand new by doing this, and since when do I feel comfortable to just get up and leave without asking him if it's okay. I explained to him that it was not me being different, and that he must have misconstrued my previous approach. I said to him, "I was not asking for your permission all those times, I was just being courteous, but if you are not in the country how does my going out affect you? I tell you where I am going, that should be enough".

By going out I mean going for drinks with co-workers on a Friday night or dinner with friends, not getting my hot pants and heels on and hitting the club till 6am.

After some back and forth (don't argue with a lawyer). He said its okay, but I know his ego is bruised, and he said something about being someone's wife etc. but I zoned out coz its too hot today

Do you agree with my view? Or do you think I am being being brand new?
Married ladies, how do you deal with this?

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

Warning a not married person

I would say that it you need permission so much as you said just a heads up that you are leaving is good.I have a coworker/mentor who wanted to go to a big NBA parade with a male coworker..she asked her hubby and he told her no not bc of the coworker is male but bc of her safety..since the hubby is head of household I would respect his headship as protection..I would also chat with him to see how things should be handled in the future for both of you as a marriage is a equal thing.

 

[dreamgurl82]

Congratulations on your marriage GoddessMaker -from one newlywed to another..I totally agree with everything you said and I get your mentor's husband's point (it is quite sweet). Yes there are times when it should be more of a permission thing (e.g. if it is with a male co-worker).

At the end of the day, it boils down to, what would you expect from your other half if the roles were reversed in an equal sense. I guess I need to grapple with someone being the head of the household - and it not being me!! lol That's the thing with marriage, its so much about learning to adjust.

 

[cheryl26]

Umm no I tell my husband where I'm going, I don't ask permission. If I wanted to be parented, I would've stayed single. Going out to a club or something though, my DH would have a fit but if you're going with girls or a girl/boy mix from work I see nothing wrong with it and don't believe you should have to ask or really even inform since he isn't even here.

 

[dreamgurl82]

Lol - Cheryl...you sound like me this afternoon - same arguments - especially the parenting thing. It kind of verges on being in my parents' house again if I constantly have to ask for permission. However, I do believe that for some things e.g hitting the club I would tread more carefully because, heaven knows, in his words "I am somebody's wife" and just out of respect for him in those circumstances.

 

[Whimsy]

IMO you started a bad trend with wording your "notification" as a question.

I tell DH where I will be, with who, and when I'll likely be home, and I'll call if I'll be late. IMO that's just courtesy and he deserves that as my husband. And he returns that.

But I would never ASK him if I could go somewhere.


Now, however you want to define it, you have been asking him, because of your wording, if you could go out. So now that you've started this precedent and are now changing your wording, of course he's going to think something's up.


I'd suggest you go back to asking him like you used to so he feels like Mr. Man again and keep feathers unruffled while he's away and you are going through this stressful time of physical separation.

 

[OhTall1]

I won't agree with your DH, but I can understand his perspective. But to me, this is less about asking permission, and more about the precedent that's been set. You've set the expectation that you're going to ask him before you do these things, and based on what's in the original post, it sounds like he does the same for you since you have limited quality time. You've changed that behavior, and that raised a red flag for him, especially now that you're apart.

Umm no I tell my husband where I'm going, I don't ask permission.

This is what I thought when I read the post. My DH and I tell each other when we have plans.

 

[RocStar]

Umm no I tell my husband where I'm going, I don't ask permission. If I wanted to be parented, I would've stayed single.

What she said.

 

[Deluxe]

My husband and I do the same thing OP. We ask each if it's okay because we don't know if the other person may have made plans to do something as a couple. When ask each other it is phrased as a question unless we intend to go then its a statement. My husband and I do reserve the right to veto the others outing completely, I have used this right and so has he. It works for us, we have shared rights to each others body and whereabouts.

 

[gabulldawg]

I never ask my DH for permission. I may PHRASE the question that way, but what I'm really saying is "I'm just being nice and letting you know what I'm going to do. If you really have a problem with it you can let me know, but I'm more than likely going to do it anyway." He does the same for me. I would never say no to him asking me something (unless it was just really out of line) and I never have. Same goes for him. He has never flat-out told me I'm not allowed to do something. We are adults and know right from wrong.

 

[MD_Lady]

...Today he suggested that I am being brand new by doing this, and since when do I feel comfortable to just get up and leave without asking him if it's okay. I explained to him that it was not me being different, and that he must have misconstrued my previous approach. I said to him, "I was not asking for your permission all those times, I was just being courteous, but if you are not in the country how does my going out affect you? I tell you where I am going, that should be enough"...

erplexed at the red and at the blue.

...After some back and forth (don't argue with a lawyer). He said its okay, but I know his ego is bruised, and he said something about being someone's wife etc. but I zoned out coz its too hot today...

He'll be alright. DH and I give each other a heads up as a courteousy (making sure we don't have anything "going on" and so no one panics when the other person walks in the door several hours later than expected), but the whole point of doing that goes out the door when we're not together. If one of us is out of town for the week (separate vaction or business travel), I promise you he's not calling me to "ask" if he can go to Buffalo Wild Wings to hang out with the guys any more than I'd "ask" him if I could go to Cheesecake Factory to hang out with the girls; what'd be the point?

 

[TracyNicole]

I agree with the previous posters in that the upset is likely because he feels you have changed things up now that he is away and is probably wondering what's up with that. My hubby and I don't ask each other for permission. We ask if we have a previous engagement. If not, we inform where we are going, with whom and expected time home. I think that is enough.

I'm grown and so is he so as long as it isn't breaking the expectation that your spouse has for spending time together you should be able to pretty much come and go as you please. That being said if it is something one of us doesn't feel comfortable with then that's the end of it. We have both vetoed plans before. Example: Invited to a last minute bus trip and DH said nope. I didn't argue but wondered why. When he got home later he explained an hour notice was not long enough to properly check out the bus company's safety record AND get ready.

He is the head of household and good husbands feel responsible for their wife's health and happiness. By "asking" previously he probably felt that you valued his thoughts and inputs. By switching to informing he probably feels you are now disregarding his rights as a husband.