ambergirl
Well-Known Member
Ode Magazine is one of my favs and they recently published an interesting blog post on respecting your boundaries in relationships. Curious to hear what you all think....
Here it tis
http://www.odemagazine.com/blogs/re...fear_ways_to_protect_your_personal_boundaries
Love without fear: Ways to protect your personal boundaries
We all value ourselves. Sometimes we don’t. Relationships are an integral part of our well being, but there are times when unknowingly we allow close relationships to impinge upon who we truly are. Love is a thing of splendor, true, but sometimes even the closest relationships could go askew and stifle us, and that is when we need to examine closely. Are we really letting ourselves go, in a literal way? Is this love or relationship adding to my value, or taking away something from my valued self?
Often there are times when we find ourselves in a Hamlet like situation “to be or not to be” read, ‘to give in or not to give in’ to some of the demands our partner makes on our inner resources.
There are times when we stop to take a look at the dilemma, fail to deny some unjust demands that are inevitably a part of close relationships and are made quite often on our inner resources.
There is: Fear: ‘I hope he/she hasn’t realized how much I care for them.’
Or ‘I am afraid of losing her/him now she/he has come to mean so much to me.’
Hope: ‘I hope this relationship will come to something…I hope the other person loves me back or it will be pretty bleak.’
Anxiety: ‘Does he/she love me?’
Pride: ‘ I must be careful not to show how much I love this person or I will be humiliated if I am refused.’
All these above-mentioned apprehensions are intrusive to who we really are. In order to save ourselves from such emotional self-abuse we must realize how valuable we are to our own self before stepping forward to be valued by another.
When we love we often take a whole lot of trash from our loved ones, something that we shouldn’t ever. Our relationship has to be an extension of our true self. If it isn’t, then what we are doing is insulting ourselves and one day or the other it would leaves us feeling bitter and empty.
Life coach Dan O’ Neil observes, “A relationship is something we undertake as an expression of ourselves, the sum of the expression is greater than we can make ourselves. When the relationship no longer serves this purpose, then it is time to bid it farewell with love and move on…Love has no needs, wants or desires, it simply is.”
The phrase “love simply is” is brief and self-explanatory.
I believe that submission and sacrifice, which most of us are guilty of doing in the name of love is okay as long as it is mutual, respected and returned. When it turns abusive that is when we find ourselves sweeping our self-esteem from the floor everyday, it is time to stop. Put up a resistance. Draw a line.
In brief, don’t let love oppress you. Bully you. Abuse you. Use you.
It helps to beware of some these unhealthy signs that may obstruct your personal boundaries and leave you feeling embittered:
Begin to live in partnership with your self, and your mate, as two complete individual who share intimacy with an interconnectedness that belongs to each one of you separately, because “It takes two halves to make a whole but two wholes to make one relationship that has half a chance”.
Here it tis
http://www.odemagazine.com/blogs/re...fear_ways_to_protect_your_personal_boundaries
Love without fear: Ways to protect your personal boundaries
We all value ourselves. Sometimes we don’t. Relationships are an integral part of our well being, but there are times when unknowingly we allow close relationships to impinge upon who we truly are. Love is a thing of splendor, true, but sometimes even the closest relationships could go askew and stifle us, and that is when we need to examine closely. Are we really letting ourselves go, in a literal way? Is this love or relationship adding to my value, or taking away something from my valued self?
Often there are times when we find ourselves in a Hamlet like situation “to be or not to be” read, ‘to give in or not to give in’ to some of the demands our partner makes on our inner resources.
There are times when we stop to take a look at the dilemma, fail to deny some unjust demands that are inevitably a part of close relationships and are made quite often on our inner resources.
There is: Fear: ‘I hope he/she hasn’t realized how much I care for them.’
Or ‘I am afraid of losing her/him now she/he has come to mean so much to me.’
Hope: ‘I hope this relationship will come to something…I hope the other person loves me back or it will be pretty bleak.’
Anxiety: ‘Does he/she love me?’
Pride: ‘ I must be careful not to show how much I love this person or I will be humiliated if I am refused.’
All these above-mentioned apprehensions are intrusive to who we really are. In order to save ourselves from such emotional self-abuse we must realize how valuable we are to our own self before stepping forward to be valued by another.
When we love we often take a whole lot of trash from our loved ones, something that we shouldn’t ever. Our relationship has to be an extension of our true self. If it isn’t, then what we are doing is insulting ourselves and one day or the other it would leaves us feeling bitter and empty.
Life coach Dan O’ Neil observes, “A relationship is something we undertake as an expression of ourselves, the sum of the expression is greater than we can make ourselves. When the relationship no longer serves this purpose, then it is time to bid it farewell with love and move on…Love has no needs, wants or desires, it simply is.”
The phrase “love simply is” is brief and self-explanatory.
I believe that submission and sacrifice, which most of us are guilty of doing in the name of love is okay as long as it is mutual, respected and returned. When it turns abusive that is when we find ourselves sweeping our self-esteem from the floor everyday, it is time to stop. Put up a resistance. Draw a line.
In brief, don’t let love oppress you. Bully you. Abuse you. Use you.
It helps to beware of some these unhealthy signs that may obstruct your personal boundaries and leave you feeling embittered:
- Going against personal values or rights just to please your partner.
- Letting your partner define you. For example, ‘you are nothing but…’ kind of definitions.
- Giving as much as you can for the sake of giving.
- Taking as much as you can for the sake of taking.
- Letting your partner direct your life and your emotions. Becoming an emotional slave.
- Letting your partner describe your reality. For example, ‘You know what you are?’ kind of accusations.
- Falling in love with anyone who reaches out. Watch out. You might be vulnerable to falling in love too soon.
- Falling in love with new acquaintances. Love takes time. Period. Everything else is fairy tale.
- Believing your partner can anticipate your needs. Sulking if they don’t.
- Not noticing when your partner invades your boundary. For example, demanding to know everything. Asking too many personal questions. Suspecting your integrity.
- Being sexual for your partner, not yourself. This might create a vicious cycle of undermining your true needs.
- Telling all. This doesn’t entail hiding something substantial from your partner or being dishonest. It is about keeping some part of yourself only with you. Only you.
- Not noticing when your partner displays inappropriate boundaries: Checking your private mails, handbags, and personal belongings.
- Expecting your partner to fulfill your needs automatically. You have to ask. Speak out. Express your desires truthfully.
- When you and your partner is playing mind games. Ego clashes. Defensiveness. Hurting back.
- Withholding love and slipping into cold silences. This comes under dishonesty in a relationship.
- Falling apart so that your partner will take care of you. Don’t turn them into a Shrink. Your partner is not the human equivalent of a trampoline, guaranteed to offer a safe landing and bounce you back up whenever you are down.
Begin to live in partnership with your self, and your mate, as two complete individual who share intimacy with an interconnectedness that belongs to each one of you separately, because “It takes two halves to make a whole but two wholes to make one relationship that has half a chance”.
- and too many women are denying themselves that in order to 'have a man'. 
So true. 
