Love/Hate relationship: Black ppl and their hair

[sunshyne_krissy]

I'm tired of apologizing for our hair . All races have bad hair days, bad cuts, fine hair or hard to manage, bed head, oil hair, too dry, over processed, use weaves or extensions . If we start touching, loving,caring for our hair in positive ways, we will change the way society thinks and speaks about our hair . We can be our own worst enemy by the negative words we use to describe our hairerplexed . Stop saying "bad hair " " good hair " , stop wising for other peoples hair. Stop endorsing mostly straight hair, use natural looking extensions as well as straight "if any at all", if your natural wear your hair proudly not defensively. All in all we send a message about feeling less than, or like God forgot to give us "good" hair. I once had the Holy Spirit say to me " the answers are in the problems". I think He meant, in me (us) seeking God to manage a problem of any kind "hair included" the answers would would be found while seeking God's will for what ever it was. For me the answer to my hair issues was to go natural, use some of the natural things God gave us, for someone else it may not. My hair has never been healthier, stronger, longer, thicker, more beautiful than since I started to seek God's wisdom for my hair.
I also realize until our minds are renewed in how we see ourselves, then how can we renew the minds of others.

I agree with you 100% on this...I also want to add that I think one of the main reasons why people look at 'our' hair and make rude judgements and remarks is not just the hair itself but how we carry ourselves along with it. The same person who wears a natural fro or twists or whatever the natural style is and walks with her head down all the time I promise you will put out a totally different vibe and energy if she were to walk shoulders back, chin up and workin it! That's one reason why I decided to transition to natural a year ago. I want to share through experience that you dont have to have relaxed hair to make you look any better than your sister with natural locs..

 

[seraphinelle]

Everyone has their days of loving/hating their hair. Sometimes at the same time.

But it shouldn't be about natural vs relaxed. I use to think that way. But it's really not.

To assume that all relaxed heads have scraggly ends, is an over generalization. Many on this board are proof that you can have healthy ends as a relaxee.

I've seen natural heads with unhealthy hair too. One isn't preferred over the other, unless on an individual basis.

Anyway. There are certainly times when I've hated my hair and then loved it.. and both have occurred when I was natural and when I was relaxed.

But I hear my Indian class mates complaining how thick their hair is. How straight it is, maybe how curly it is. Different things.

Everyone hates their hair at some point. The deal is, to learn how you can love it, so you can be happy.

 

[thiccknlong]

I just gotta tell it like it is for me...for ME

I hate nappy hair...on me on anybody else..now I don't mistreat anyone based on their hair, thats just crazy, but I don't think it's as pretty as manageable hair, where it's relaxed, wavy, curly, nappy hair just isn't pretty to me...some of it's very dull, hard to style, difficult to manage, just aint cute

 

[thiccknlong]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Naphy
I loved my hair when it was natural and I love my hair now. I only decided to relax because to get a manageable hair. Sometimes when I was natural (when I was 14), I enjoyed touching my hair, just to feel the texture. The reason I'm on this board his to learn how to take care of that hair that I love. I don't want it to be damaged by me.
But I don't think everyone is like me : when I go outside, I see so many people with unhealthy hair or weaves/braids to hide it. People should be more courageous and treat their hair with more respect. Also, some people think that relaxed hair bring them a neater look... But How to get that neat look with thin, over-processed, uneven hair ? People might think about what is the look that make them proud of their hair, natural or not.


I agree with the red, bolded text.

I never gave much thought to it until i went about 3 mos w/o a perm. I didn't straighten it at all, no heat, no flat iron , no roller set, just air dryed the 3 mos of newgrowth and bunned. It was a nappy hot springy mess. I looked " uncombed " due to the extra nappy new growth, I noticed when I used to get regular , stronger relaxers, my hair looked slick, smooth, well mannered and I had a much more put together look.

Thats when i realized what you said in red bolded text above, what true for me.

 

[sweetwhispers]

I just gotta tell it like it is for me...for ME

I hate nappy hair...on me on anybody else..now I don't mistreat anyone based on their hair, thats just crazy, but I don't think it's as pretty as manageable hair, where it's relaxed, wavy, curly, nappy hair just isn't pretty to me...some of it's very dull, hard to style, difficult to manage, just aint cute

what a strong word

 

[Dijah]

I just gotta tell it like it is for me...for ME

I hate nappy hair...on me on anybody else..now I don't mistreat anyone based on their hair, thats just crazy, but I don't think it's as pretty as manageable hair, where it's relaxed, wavy, curly, nappy hair just isn't pretty to me...some of it's very dull, hard to style, difficult to manage, just aint cute

What about men?

 

[seraphinelle]

Lady's please lets not take these attacks personal. I was a little startled with the comments, but they are her personal opinions and she stated first before she replied.

But I see it as being no different when nappturals throw relaxees into the thiny, scraggly ends haired women category.

Texlaxed, relaxed, natural, shaved. As long as you're happy with your OWN hair, it shouldn't matter what other people think.

I love seeing people with healthy natural hair. I loved it on me.

I love seeing healthy relaxed hair. I love it on me.

I'm happy...

Y'all cool?

 

[thiccknlong]

Unfortunately, this is true:
Nothing makes me more annoyed than to hear black people speak disparingly of afro hair. While nobody has ever made negative remarks about my hair, I have found myself telling other black people that there is no such thing as "bad" hair.

no disrespect, but i think the term bad hair came from , when our hair is nappy and natural (notice i said nappy, this is what most of us hasve and this only applies to nappy hair) , it doesnt do as we wish, it wont shine naturally , you cant french roll it, do a flip , have a bange and long flowing curls, or thick deep waves, or a smooth pony tail, you must " treat " it or " heat " it to get it to do these things or else it stays lifeless, hard to manage and difficult.

nonnappy, natural hair OR " good " hair has many of these attributes or MORE of them naturally...I don't think the term is REALLY meant to demean anyone, just describes how the different textures of hair behave and it just stuck...

 

[sweetwhispers]

I'm not taking it personal i just think its sad to actively hate what naturally grows from your head. I just cannot fathom it. Really. I've natural hair all my life ( i don't even press) and that will never change no matter what people think.

I just think hate is such a strong word.

Now those are her views but i've not seen anyone on this thread or board say that they positively hate relaxed hair and that its horribleerplexed

People have said that in real life they see straggly relaxed hair- since the majority of black women around the world process they're hair obviously you will see the best and the worst.

Like Dijah i would like to ask another question- what about children?

ETA: I really don't care if people think i'm part of a PC brigade/wanting censorship but to say such a statement ( i hate nappy hair)on a board which is like 60/40 relaxed-natural is offensive. I'm sure if i said relaxed hair isn't cute at all, that i hate it, that it looks thin and ridiculous etcetera, etcetara people would come down on me like a ton of bricks, but because i'm natural i have to suck it up? I'm sorry i don't think so. The same statement could have been worded differently but essentially said the same thing.

 

[Dijah]

I realized I did not post how I feel about my hair. I am indifferent.

Since becoming a part of this forum I have become more on the side of liking my hair. But growing up my mother did absolutely nothing to my hair.

I think it is because she lost her hair in a fire when she was young.

I had terribly damaged hair when I was young, thus shaving twice and going natural. After I relaxed, for convince, I keep it at a short length.

Now being relaxed and having this forum, the advice and such, My hair is like any experiment. I am going to try to grow it and maybe develop a relationship that is closer to loving.

 

[seraphinelle]

Maybe not on this board. But there are message boards that are exclusively for natural women where they express their disdain for relaxed hair.

But I do see where you're coming from. Hate is such a strong word.

And I agree you see the best and the worse. But, regardless, we shouldn't over generalize.

The thing I hate, in the relaxed vs natural debate, is when it's implied that a relaxed head doesn't like her own natural hair. Or is self-hating.

Ridiculous.

@thicknlong
You'd be suprised how well a roller set comes out on natural 4b hair.

Also, just general thought.

My cousin has natural, 4a/4b hair. It's ver fine, so it looks like she has 'good hair' according to her mom.

Her mom refuses to relax it (good for her) and straighten it at all (good for her)

But that girl's hair is a mess.

There is this sort of misunderstanding that natural hair equals less work, or relaxed hair equals more work.

 

[seraphinelle]

I realized I did not post how I feel about my hair. I am indifferent.

Since becoming a part of this forum I have become more on the side of liking my hair. But growing up my mother did absolutely nothing to my hair.

I think it is because she lost her hair in a fire when she was young.

I had terribly damaged hair when I was young, thus shaving twice and going natural. After I relaxed, for convince, I keep it at a short length.

Now being relaxed and having this forum, the advice and such, My hair is like any experiment. I am going to try to grow it and maybe develop a relationship that is closer to loving.

That is how I feel about my hair now, also. I went natural thinking that it was the best thing for MY hair. It was the best thing for me at the time, because my hair was breaking like no tomorrow. I overprocessed my hair evertime.

Blowdried it, flat ironed. Tied it back until there was nothing to tie back. It was a mess.

I went natural because I thought that's the only way to grow my hair.

I started off with nearly nothing. Not because I BC'd, but because I was left with nothing.

Since recently relaxing and having this board, my hair has never thrived so much.

 

[thiccknlong]

I'm not taking it personal i just think its sad to actively hate what naturally grows from your head. I just cannot fathom it. Really. I've natural hair all my life ( i don't even press) and that will never change no matter what people think.

I just think hate is such a strong word.

Now those are her views but i've not seen anyone on this thread or board say that they positively hate relaxed hair and that its horribleerplexed

People have said that in real life they see straggly relaxed hair- since the majority of black women around the world process they're hair obviously you will see the best and the worst.

Like Dijah i would like to ask another question- what about children?

Again, where's talkin hair, not the person. Look at the hair objectively, b/c that's the way I view hair, has not bearing on the person.

As for me, if it's very nappy, I think it looks best shaped or cut low, unless you are lenny, maxwell or micheal ealy, they all seem to wear nappy hear great !

On kids, it's not attractive to me either. There's a difference between nappy, dull and crickly, shining hair. If the kid has nappy, dull hair, I would lightly press it with oil to make it look better.

 

[thiccknlong]

ETA: I really don't care if people think i'm part of a PC brigade/wanting censorship but to say such a statement ( i hate nappy hair)on a board which is like 60/40 relaxed-natural is offensive. I'm sure if i said relaxed hair isn't cute at all, that i hate it, that it looks thin and ridiculous etcetera, etcetara people would come down on me like a ton of bricks, but because i'm natural i have to suck it up? I'm sorry i don't think so. The same statement could have been worded differently but essentially said the same thing.

Girl, I'm not talking about people, I'm expressing my opinion of a hair type. If I don't like BMW's, another person shouldnt get mad about that. I'm not criticizing another person, just expressing how I feel about the car. There are some who will live love hate dislike that car, another other car SUV van trailor etc

it's just my dislike, thats all...

 

[InJesusName]

I realized that I have more of a Hate/hate relationship with my hair, but that is due to how damaged it currently is. In a quest to get longer hair before I found these forums, I literally FRIED my hair, so now I am dealing with bald edges and slow growing hair. I am not sure if I have had any issues with the texture (it's been so long since I was natural, I honestly don't remember what my natural texture was like). My issue has always been length. My mom used to get mad at me because I thought any woman with long hair was beautiful. I have friends that have natural 4a waist length hair, and I have always thought it was beautiful no matter what the texture. I applaud any woman who flaunts her natural texture with her head held high. Unfortunatley, between my conservative job and strong willed DH, I may not be able to go this route. I can say that I have found myself a little envious of the 3 hair type ladies, but realize I just gotta deal with what I was given and quit complaining. I still want long hair no matter what the texture and I'm determined to get it.

On another note... it seems that WE make more negative comments about our natural hair. Especially men. I have had more white men tell me that I shouldn't relax than the typical black "GET A PERM" men. I've never understood that. My DH says long straight hair is more "exotic looking.." huh? Just a thought.

 

[Dijah]

I'm not taking it personal i just think its sad to actively hate what naturally grows from your head. I just cannot fathom it. Really. I've natural hair all my life ( i don't even press) and that will never change no matter what people think.

I just think hate is such a strong word.

Now those are her views but i've not seen anyone on this thread or board say that they positively hate relaxed hair and that its horribleerplexed

People have said that in real life they see straggly relaxed hair- since the majority of black women around the world process they're hair obviously you will see the best and the worst.

Like Dijah i would like to ask another question- what about children?

ETA: I really don't care if people think i'm part of a PC brigade/wanting censorship but to say such a statement ( i hate nappy hair)on a board which is like 60/40 relaxed-natural is offensive. I'm sure if i said relaxed hair isn't cute at all, that i hate it, that it looks thin and ridiculous etcetera, etcetara people would come down on me like a ton of bricks, but because i'm natural i have to suck it up? I'm sorry i don't think so. The same statement could have been worded differently but essentially said the same thing.

It's funny you said this. The other day I was reading the boards and was feeling a bit uncomfortable. I was reading about someone who was considering relaxing there hair for whatever reason and the pleas of no no don't do it! (I read this a lot) I kind of felt bad for having relaxed hair. Seeing the pleas as if relaxing your hair is sooo terrible. I think a lot of the women on this board are indeed natural. And I think sometimes I feel as a relaxed person a bit like I am being judged or something.
But then I get over it and realize that people have there opinions and it is not personal.

 

[seraphinelle]

It's funny you said this. The other day I was reading the boards and was feeling a bit uncomfortable. I was reading about someone who was considering relaxing there hair for whatever reason and the pleas of no no don't do it! (I read this a lot) I kind of felt bad for having relaxed hair. Seeing the pleas as if relaxing your hair is sooo terrible. I think a lot of the women on this board are indeed natural. And I think sometimes I feel as a relaxed person a bit like I am being judged or something.
But then I get over it and realize that people have there opinions and it is not personal.

Thank you. I see that sometimes too.
It goes both ways.

 

[RainbowCurls]

I wonder why some black men find black women in the natural hair state so offensive?

It implies non-compliance to social norms
More hassle for the weaker man.

 

[Dijah]

It implies non-compliance to social norms
More hassle for the weaker man.

I love that answer! And we don't want no weak mens!

 

[lsubabiedee]

I just gotta tell it like it is for me...for ME

I hate nappy hair...on me on anybody else..now I don't mistreat anyone based on their hair, thats just crazy, but I don't think it's as pretty as manageable hair, where it's relaxed, wavy, curly, nappy hair just isn't pretty to me...some of it's very dull, hard to style, difficult to manage, just aint cute

ehhh...what nappy hair have you seen or tried to style? and nappy hair isn't manageable?

i think i must have walked into some alternate universe.

 

[kally]

I have to admit that, I truely HATE MY hair, I hate the fact that it is slow growing no matter what I do, fine textured and to tightly coiled. I think it is genetics for me. Learning how to care for it has nothing to do with it, nor the views of others.

I am sorry but I would give nearly anything to have hair that is 3a or 3b. It has always been that way for me and nothing or no one can change that. Thats just the way it is.

 

[sweetwhispers]

It's funny you said this. The other day I was reading the boards and was feeling a bit uncomfortable. I was reading about someone who was considering relaxing there hair for whatever reason and the pleas of no no don't do it! (I read this a lot) I kind of felt bad for having relaxed hair. Seeing the pleas as if relaxing your hair is sooo terrible. I think a lot of the women on this board are indeed natural. And I think sometimes I feel as a relaxed person a bit like I am being judged or something.
But then I get over it and realize that people have there opinions and it is not personal.

I think the reason why people are saying "don't do it"- is because relaxing is a permanent state of change. What if you just got annoyed one day and decided to relax. You would have to either transition for years or months, or BC- Both are choices which are not easy for many women.

 

[Dijah]

I think the reason why people are saying "don't do it"- is because relaxing is a permanent state of change. What if you just got annoyed one day and decided to relax. You would have to either transition for years or months, or BC- Both are choices which are not easy for many women.

I understand what you are saying.

Fortunately for both natural and relaxed there are wonderful examples of how to care for your hair properly and keep it strong on this forum. Natural and relaxed should not fight each other. Women have enough problems as it is. You have beautiful natural hair, even if someone else does not agree.

Grow long, stay strong, and always love yourself.

 

[sweetwhispers]

I understand what you are saying.

Fortunately for both natural and relaxed there are wonderful examples of how to care for your hair properly and keep it strong on this forum. Natural and relaxed should not fight each other. Women have enough problems as it is. You have beautiful natural hair, even if someone else does not agree.

Grow long, stay strong, and always love yourself.

Thank you, i do nd will continue to do so

However i don't know whether threads like this and the "black hair curse" really change anything?

 

[Qetesh]

ehhh...what nappy hair have you seen or tried to style? and nappy hair isn't manageable?

i think i must have walked into some alternate universe.

i agree....

it may not look attractive to someones prefrence but natural hair can be styled.

and to some people (natural heads) thier natural texture is one of the things that make them unique so it is quite attractive to them. also there are all different types of natural nappy hair even within the 4a-4b range.

i think the reason naturals may get caught up in the whole "if you want straight hair you must have self hate" is possibly when they relaxed they thought thier natural texture was ugly or felt that straight was the only right texture... then after they came to accept thier natural texture they viewed how they felt previously as a form of self hate?

i am not really sure but learning to love your natural texture goes against the "norm" of what is considered beautiful and i feel like this image is largely based on european views i know for me it took some adjustment not on how others felt but how I felt about my hair..... i am rambaling so ill stop.

 

[Dijah]

Thank you, i do nd will continue to do so

However i don't know whether threads like this and the "black hair curse" really change anything?

The issues with hair is just one of the issues black women face. If we get past that, then we have to deal with the light skin dark skin thing.

But anyway, speaking from the heart and listening with open ears make people think. Maybe changes a mind, or helps someone get through there own issues. I think the questions come from inner thoughts that need to be expressed and expelled or confirmed.

But what do I know?

 

[missann]

Wow -- I guess the relaxed vs. natural clash will keep getting rehashed here as more people join the site. However, the whole "nappy hair is messy/ugly/unmanagable" notion conjures up a state of self-hatred. I'm not saying that the poster hates herself or wishes to be non-black. It just sounds like all the western media-blitzing and brainwashing is successful; and we already know it is. I guess it's just shocking to hear someone say it. Like a black lady with naturally nappy black hair wearing a long platinum blond weave often wouldn't verbalize disdain for black hair and proclaim it inferior, even though she believes straight hair to be nicer.

I think that's the beauty in the "other" site. The atmosphere rejects the notion that wavy/straight/curly/anything other than type 4 is preferable to nappy hair. It may seem militant and haughty because we've been taught the opposite even by our own black ( & nappy) families; but that's actually what it takes because black folks truly believe we have naturally "bad" hair that is unacceptable and shameful.

 

[miss Congeniality]

Well, I can honestly say that I LOOOOOOOOOOVE my hair. There is no one else on the planet with hair like mine. It is a mixture of different textures and lengths. There are some days were I dislike my hair, BUT I never hate my hair. We all have bad hair days. I always remember that ugly is only a state of mind. It people have a problem with my nappy hair... that is their problem.

 

[dlewis]

I haven't read through all of this thread. But women in general have a love/hate relationship with their hair. Check out TLHC site, it's mostly white.

Women black or white want their straight hair curly or their curly hair straight. Their black hair blonde or their blonde hair red. The list goes on.

I hated my hair as a child because my cousins/aunts teased me because I had curly hair they said was nappy. They all mostly had straighter hair. It was only when I was in my early 20's that I realize after getting away from them that I had beautiful curly hair. Now my son has very straight hair and my daughter has very curly hair. There's no such thing as good/bad hair in this house.

 

[RainbowCurls]

I haven't read through all of this thread. But women in general have a love/hate relationship with their hair. Check out TLHC site, it's mostly white.

Women black or white want their straight hair curly or their curly hair straight. Their black hair blonde or their blonde hair red. The list goes on.

I agree that women in general have a love/hate relationship with their hair.

But..

1) I think it goes deeper with black hair... (general bad-mouthing of tighter hair types over the years)

2) TLHC is not a good example of this! Most people there wants their hair natural and super long. A better example is the majority of white people you see around in everyday society. (regular salon visits for colouring, daily straightening etc)