Love: God's Way vs Counterfeit

[PinkPebbles]

I came across this article and felt led to start a thread and post over the next few days. May it be a blessing!

The Need For Love
Robert Tucker

Sometimes people are ashamed to admit a “love need”, but it is as natural and God-given of a need as the air you breathe. Don’t be ashamed of it. Embrace it as a part of your make-up as a human being. However, understand that many times we ask another person to fill the needs only God can fill. While people are intended to provide love, they are not intended to re­place God by any means. God is the SOURCE for love.


The type and amount of love we received as children will deeply impact our ability to give and receive love in adult relationships. If we were not loved properly and did not have a personal relationship with Jesus, we will go through life with a love need, or an empty void. If we don’t have love in us, we don’t have the ability to give it out. You could think of codependency in terms of a “love cup”. If you were raised without much love, your “love cup” is probably empty. If your love cup is empty, you will spend most of your life trying to ask other people to fill it. This type of “love need” will manifest into addictive, compulsive behaviors, similar to a sub­stance addiction. If you do not have your own love need met, you will not be able to offer it to others UNTIL you learn to ask God to fill your cup first.


What is True Love Anyway?

With such a skewed understanding and representation of genuine love in our lives, it is important that we establish some principles and truths regarding God's love. REMEMBER, TRUE LOVE MUST OPERATE BY TRUTH. Oftentimes, we are clinging to lies about love, causing us unnec­essary pain and suffering. Below you will find the type of love with which God loves us and de­sires us to have in our family relationships. We will also point out the "counterfeit" that creeps up into our relationships and tries to substitute for the "real" thing. The contrast is quite dramatic!

Day 1
Attribute:
True Love is Sacrificial and Giving


God’s Way: The perfect example of God's love for us is demonstrated in the person of Jesus Christ. “God so love the world that He gave His only Son, that whosoever believes on Him should not perish but have everlasting life” (John 3:16). God gave His Son, who willingly made Himself the sacrifice for our sin PURELY out of love, with absolutely no self gain other than to redeem and rescue His children that went astray. His love had no strings attached to it, it was purely from the heart of a loving Father. This type of love is inconceivable to us, because many of us have become bitter and cynical. We assume that there is always a “catch” or a “string at­tached”. Not God’s love! This is authentic sacrifice and gift giving.


Counterfeit Version – Many times, we are prone to engage in activities that appear sacrificial, but are actually driven by that self-need to be loved and accepted (the empty void within). This counterfeit version of love deceives us into believing that with the right effort, we can get the de­sired result. Sadly, this isn’t love at all, it is a subtle, but very strong form of CONTROL. When the root of any behavior is to benefit self, it is not love. But usually, we aren’t purposely engag­ing in this behavior. We can function in “auto pilot” because it is the way we learned how to get love. We may automatically become prone to doing things for others to earn something in return. For example, we may want their love, acceptance, thanks, praise, etc.

How do we distinguish true sacrifice from the counterfeit version? We need to always be on guard about the motivation behind our actions. Are we “giving to give” or “giving to get?” If we have placed GOD FIRST, doing things for others will be an expression of HIS LOVE. Therefore, we won’t need anything in return. It is one of the many ways God’s love changes us from the inside and gives us the ability to have healthy relationships.

 

[PinkPebbles]

Day 2
Attribute:
Love is Unconditional

God's Way: This type of love, which the bible calls “agape” love, is not based on anything a person does or how a person may physically appear on the outside. Unconditional loves accepts a person to the core of their being no matter what. It says “I love you for the very sake of loving you, not because of anything you have done, but because you are the object of my love.” As we will learn, this does not necessarily mean we accept and love certain behaviors. Unconditional love can only be found in the Spirit through a relationship with Jesus Christ. He is the picture of unconditional love. No human being can perfectly love, and there should never be that expecta­tion. But when we allow God to pour His love into our hearts, this type of love will show itself. How do you know if you have unconditional love for others? There is a simple test. You learn to love people even when they are not lovable.

Counterfeit Version - In a dysfunctional family system, an unspoken “love” rule says when you do the right things, you are worthy to receive love. Usually the “love rule” is inconsistent, and no matter the efforts, a person cannot succeed. If you grew up in a home where love was based on condition, the belief system may be imprinted on you that says “if I’m good, I can earn love.” You must review your belief system of about how love is “earned” and then line it with TRUTH about how GOD REALLY LOVES YOU. God’s love is pure, free and NEVER based on what we do or how we perform! Do you try to earn love? If you do, you’ll be prone to asking others to do the same. This is a guaranteed relationship problem. But God’s love is a guaranteed relation­ship fix.

Because God Loves Me
“Can a woman forget her nursing child, and not have compassion on the son of her womb? Surely they may forget, yet I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands.” Isaiah 49:15-16


Day 3
Attribute:
Love is a choice

God’s Way: We must embrace this concept in order to ever understand who God is. God gives us a free will, which means He allows us to choose right from wrong, good from evil. He doesn't make us robots, He doesn’t pre-program us.

If someone forced us to love them without our permission or choice, it is equivalent to rape. God’s love is the opposite: He asks us to willingly CHOOSE to love Him. He wants us to desire a relationship with Him. And He does the same in return. He CHOSE to love you, He does not need to do so in order to satisfy His own need! He CHOSE to die for you to restore your life, He did not need to do that, for His own purpose, but wants to out of pure love.

In our own relationships, God intended that we allow others the right to freely choose to be with us in a relationship. It is in relationships based on choice where real love has the opportunity to blossom and thrive. The difference between WANTING to be with someone and being FORCED to be with someone is tremendous.

Counterfeit Version: The opposite of the free choice is control. If our relationships are filled with manipulation and control, they don’t even have the opportunity to become healthy and fulfilling. Controlling others or being controlled by others will never lead to love. In fact, it produces something altogether different. Control leads to anger, fear and shame. A home driven by control becomes a prison rather than a safe haven. This type of relationship is addictive and becomes BONDAGE, based on a need, not a choice. Why does control end up dictating a re­lationship? Usually, when we are controlling, it is because we fear losing people. Sometimes, people are controlling just for the means of being able to enforce power over others. In either case, if you are in a relationship where you are forced to act, think, do or “love” a certain way (or you are the one exerting that control onto someone), you need to evaluate that relationship. This relationship is functioning under the principles of hell, not heaven. Where control exists, love does not exist.

Because God Loves Me
“Create in me a clean heart, O’ God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Psalm 51

 

[PinkPebbles]

Day 4
Attribute:
Love is Intimate and Personal

God's Way: The intimacy with which God desires to love us can only be understood through ex­perience. Over and over again Jesus explains that while on earth He was “One with the Father.” He tells us He wants to be ONE with us as well. Being One with another is the ultimate form of intimacy. This type of love is not demanding or feeding off that person out of NEED, but is sub­mitted and filled with love and the ability to accept and embrace another human being. Intimacy can be thought of as “I see into you”. When we are in intimate relationships, we are vulnerable to allowing people to see all of us, and there is never a reason to hide. When we can be intimate, we are not afraid of rejection or being hurt. This is where true fulfillment and joy takes place in a relationship.

We are not meant to have intimacy with everyone in our lives! Rather, intimacy is designed specifically for the family, and the ultimate intimacy comes in the marital relationship, where “two will become one”. A parent also experiences intimacy with a child, but must learn to allow that child to mature into independence with age.

Counterfeit Version: God wants us to be in a deeply intimate and personal relationship with each other in the family unit. If we are not intimate, there is probably some sort of emotional problem with one or all of the family members. Furthermore, when family members don’t’ feel safe to expose their true self, they begin to hide real feelings. Emotional dishonesty is at the heart of the dysfunctional family system. Families that aren’t intimate have deeper rooted prob­lems that must be addressed – a lack of intimacy leads to inability to grow and bond as a family.

True intimacy must first be sought through Jesus Christ. We could never find that level of fulfill­ment in another human being. If we don't understand intimacy and our need for God first, we will most like try to satisfy that need in the wrong ways, such as substituting sexual fulfillment, people pleasing or emotions. A lack of intimacy with a spouse can sadly lead to outside adulter­ous affairs.

When intimacy needs are misappropriated, a parent might look for intimacy through a child rather than a husband or wife, or through work rather than home. Understanding your intimacy needs and desires is key to finding fulfillment. And although it may sound repetitive, we can only do that through Jesus first.

Because God Loves Me
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” Jeremiah 31:3

 

[Shimmie]

Dear PinkPebbles,

Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your gift of True Love.

Truly.... Thank you. :Rose:

Keep it coming as the anointing of God is upon you and it is much needed among us. "Iron sharpens Iron".

 

[PinkPebbles]

Shimmie much love to you . I'm truly grateful for God's holy word!

 

[PinkPebbles]

Day 5
Attribute:
Love is Faithful and Responsible

God's Way: God is faithful in His responsibility; He tells us in Hebrews 13:5 “I will never leave you nor forsake you”. When we learn that God is the only One who is entirely faithful to us, we can learn to establish and place our trust in Him first. Anything or anyone else in this world will at some point fail us. It’s amazing how much pressure we can put on another human being who is born to fail! On the same token, to promote and encourage a loving environment, we need to learn and be accountable to our own responsibilities, and allow people the opportunity to be accountable to theirs. Being overly responsible of others is just as wrong as not being responsible at all. This means we should not be doing for others what they should be doing for themselves, especially when addictive, unhealthy behaviors are present.

Counterfeit Version: When people don't fulfill their responsibility, we must first understand that people are imperfect. At the very same time, we don't help an irresponsible person by doing things for them they should be doing for themselves. In fact, we only hurt and encourage that irresponsibility. A part of what we learn in Christianity is to “wash each others’ feet” and serve each other. There is a major difference between servant-hood and codependent behavior. Being of service comes through loving and trusting in God first. Through that love, we pour into others. But this cannot be mistaken for “covering for others” or allowing them to stay in their unhealthy behavior because we want their love and acceptance. God loves us entirely, but he doesn’t co-sign or condone our unfaithfulness or irresponsibility. In fact, He will allow us to suffer greatly to show us the error of our ways.

Because God Loves Me
“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.” Revelation 3:19

Day 6
Attribute:
Love Sets Healthy and Safe Boundaries

Gods Way: God has set boundaries and consequences for breaking boundaries since the begin­ning of time with Adam and Eve. The purpose of boundaries is to establish what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. All of God's laws you could think of as a boundary. True love learns boundaries through God's Word. Even when God's ways seem difficult or impossible, they are loving direction that will always lead into His best.

Adhering to a boundary takes work and effort, and at times, might be called “tough love”. While loving a person, a codependent must learn to stand against and refuse to accept negative and sinful behavior as being “okay.” Bad behaviors are never okay, period. Abuse is NEVER EVER acceptable no matter the terms and conditions.


Counterfeit version: Many parents and family members don't understand the importance of boundaries and the need to set specific guidelines with consequences. A parent might not want to “hurt” their child. Yet by not setting a boundary, they are doing far more damage. Children who don't face consequences will usually become self-centered and learn to manipulate anything and anyone to get their own way. On the flip side, parents who set impossible and unfair boundar­ies with abusive consequences will drive their children to fear and anger. This is not love, this is control. Understand that if we do not set limits, we are bound to allow things into our life that we don’t really want. We are bound to compromise and suffer serious consequences.

In the addict relationship, learning boundaries is key. You can love a person, but say NO to behaviors. How do you begin to do this? You may begin by putting together a list of those things you will not allow in your life. You must also include a consequence to that behavior if it hap­pens. The tricky part is we need to rely on God’s wisdom through this process. We must abide by God’s Word or we may be prone to making unwise judgment calls. Finding a person in your life with HEALTHY boundaries to help you through this process is essential. Sometimes, we need to side with grace and forgiveness. Other times, we need to follow-through on that consequence, which may have tremendous repercussions for that other person involved. But when that person feels the pain of that consequence, it may be the very thing that will motivate them to change.

Because God Loves Me
“For the Lord corrects those He loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.” – Proverbs 3:12

 

[Maracujá]

Really appreciating these PinkPebbles, thank you for them. I'm taking screenshots and saving them on my singles file to digest them better later on. I'm majoring on love this entire year and abstaining from dating for a clear view on things, so this is very timely.

 

[PinkPebbles]

Really appreciating these @PinkPebbles, thank you for them. I'm taking screenshots and saving them on my singles file to digest them better later on. I'm majoring on love this entire year and abstaining from dating for a clear view on things, so this is very timely.

Maracujá I can relate and understand.

I recently walked away from a counterfeit that wanted to marry me. So, these love attributes are timely.

It’s natural to desire a godly marriage and a loving family, but it’s so important that we surrender our desires unto God. As we surrender, God is able to give us His wisdom, insight, and discernment to recognize the counterfeits and subtle attacks that creep into our lives.

I’m thankful that God did not leave me in a state of confusion or distress. I consistently received confirmation that I made the right judgment call.

“God’s word is living and active. It is sharper than any two-edge sword and cuts as deep as the place where soul and spirit meet, the place where joints and marrow meet. God’s word judges a person’s thoughts and intentions. No creature can hide from God. Everything is uncovered and exposed for Him to see.” Heb. 4:12-13
Many blessings to you sis.

 

[PinkPebbles]

Day 7
Attribute:
Love is Forgiving of People but Hates Wrong Behaviors

God's Way - When mankind first sinned against God, the consequences were extreme. Did that mean He didn't love them? Not at all. But in order to remain true to His word and His character of holiness, He simply could not allow those behaviors to go unpunished. In reality, God never stopped loving Adam and Eve, but He did need to deal with their behaviors, which came straight from the pits of hell under the enticement of Satan himself. What was God's remedy? He pre­scribed to His people a plan of salvation - a method of forgiving the sin and loving the person. The behaviors were still wrong, but the love behind the forgiveness was even more powerful. True love forgives people and refuses to keep a checklist of wrongs to play off in the future. At the same time, true love does not accept ugly behaviors or tolerate abuse. As we discussed in the previous section, this may require planning ahead what you will not allow into your life, and as­signing a consequence if the pre-set boundary is breached.

Counterfeit Version – Ironically, the codependent ends up encouraging (enabling) wrongful behaviors and becoming bitter towards the person doing them. A codependent person often goes to extremes to compensate for someone else's negative behavior. While holding the position of a “martyr”, the codependent becomes bitter and resentful that all the efforts go unappreciated and do not cause the other person to change. In a codependent's belief system, they are producing “loving acts”. In reality, however, they are encouraging the negative behavior. Furthermore, a codependent becomes bound by bitterness and resentments.

Only in learning to let go and give situations over to God can we find victory. Standing against bad behaviors but forgiving a person is truly the beginning to regaining sanity and peace.

Because God Loves Me
“Heal me, O’ Lord, and I shall be healed; Save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise.” Jeremiah 17:14

Day 8
Attribute:
Love is Free

God's Way - God demonstrates that His love is free in the gift of salvation. Eph 2:8-9 says “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by works, so that no one can boast.” We cannot earn God's love, and if we believe we can, we will lead religious, self-righteous lives. We will also be prone to think we can earn love in our relationships. True love is free with no strings attached. When two people love each other, there needs to be no manipulation or control - they can allow each other’s imperfections and fail­ures along with the blessings. A love-based relationship will be driven to do things for the very reason of wanting to express love, not needing to get something in return. God loves you and has already expressed that to you. Have you received it?

Counterfeit Version - Similar to some of the other attributes we’ve discussed, when love is seen as something that must be earned, it can drive a codependent to do things that are imbalanced and unhealthy. Controlling behaviors compensate and force two people to function together when love is absent. Wherever there is control, followed by fear, that is not love.

Because God Loves Me
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

 

[Laela]

bumping..this is good stuff!