(LONG) Advice needed

SS, I think you're answering your own question with these words:

"If I met him today, I wouldn’t give him the time of day"....

I'll step aside so others with much more life experience in this area can respond....

Oh...one quick thing: I can speak to having a master's degree and dealing with (certain) men: some men are intimidated. I'll stop there....

Best to you....
 
i dont think your being selfish at all. you want whats bets for him nothing wrong with that. how is it a temp job if he's been there for 3 years?
 
leave and leave now.

he doesn't see the need to change his situation. what would be his motivation to change? he is comfortable. bills are paid. girl is at home with him. at 26 most men don't want to become fathers (unless it just happens), so i don't see what else would motivate him to step up to the plate.

you sound like a good woman and you are giving this relationship all you have. if you have nothing more to give, then...........
 
RelaxerRehab said:
SS, I think you're answering your own question with these words:

"If I met him today, I wouldn’t give him the time of day"....

I'll step aside so others with much more life experience in this area can respond....

Oh...one quick thing: I can speak to having a master's degree and dealing with (certain) men: some men are intimidated. I'll stop there....

Best to you....
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i would agree that an advanced degree would intimiate most men, but she met him when she was in HS. they both started out on the same track in life. it's not like he just met her yesterday to be intimidated.
 
locabouthair said:
i dont think your being selfish at all. you want whats bets for him nothing wrong with that. how is it a temp job if he's been there for 3 years?
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He isn't the only long-term temp. many have been there longer than him. He works for the school board so they employ temps because it's cheaper for them (no benefits, no 401k, etc)
 
I don't think you're being selfish at all - marriage is challenging and although there is no such thing as the "perfect" mate, you should seek out someone who has the qualities that are most important to you. Does your SO have those qualities? If you meet him today, why wouldn't you give him the time of day? Those are the key questions that you need to ask yourself.

~Honey
 
I don't think he is intimidated. I'm an expert in my field, he is an expert in his.
I understand why he is the way he is (because he's had his hand held his whole life by his parents) but even when I talk to him about it, he'll be in the grind for a few months and then he'll slump back into his "comfortable" space.

I know I can "do better" in terms of finding a man on my level in terms of education, finances and career , but I honestly don't think I'll find a guy that is as respectful and loving as he is. With all the women on this board and IRL that describe the troubles they have with men I consider myself lucky to have him, but it's just this area that I haven't seen any improvement in. I'm just not sure what should be considered more heavily.
 
Well, theres obviously alot that you like about him, because you've been together so long and seem happy, but I understand your concerns.

Have you talked to him about how he plans to make his "entrepreneurial goals" happen? I think alot of people want to work on their own, but lack the hustle needed to make it come to fruition. First you need to figure out what you want from your potential spouse. Are you OK being the main bread winner or do you expect your future DH to be the main or joint provider? I was listening to Christian radio and they were talking about choosing a mate. THe pastor said that you want someone who can at least take care of themselves (pay rent, car note, insurance, utilities, etc.) without a problem. You said that if you were not together, he would probably be living at home or needing the help of his parents...that's a problem.
 
seeminglysweet said:
I don't think he is intimidated. I'm an expert in my field, he is an expert in his.
I understand why he is the way he is (because he's had his hand held his whole life by his parents) but even when I talk to him about it, he'll be in the grind for a few months and then he'll slump back into his "comfortable" space.

I know I can "do better" in terms of finding a man on my level in terms of education, finances and career , but I honestly don't think I'll find a guy that is as respectful and loving as he is. With all the women on this board and IRL that describe the troubles they have with men I consider myself lucky to have him, but it's just this area that I haven't seen any improvement in. I'm just not sure what should be considered more heavily.
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aer you looking to marry him? would you marry him as he is today? or would you say no, no marriage until he changes?
 
Honey said:
I don't think you're being selfish at all - marriage is challenging and although there is no such thing as the "perfect" mate, you should seek out someone who has the qualities that are most important to you. Does your SO have those qualities? If you meet him today, why wouldn't you give him the time of day? Those are the key questions that you need to ask yourself.

~Honey
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Once I found out that he worked as a temp for over 3 years that would turn me off. I don't really buy the "i'm going to own my own business" line from people that seem to just be waiting for an opportunity to fall out of the sky :nono: it's no different than people saying they are going to be a rapper IMO.
 
Have you talked to him about this? Maybe he can shed some light on his concerns and begin to understand your concerns.
 
coconow2007 said:
Have you talked to him about this? Maybe he can shed some light on his concerns and begin to understand your concerns.
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We've talked and he'll show me he's trying for a few months, but it's just so hard to gauge whether he isn't getting job offers because he isn't trying or because of the tough market.
 
coconow2007 said:
Have you talked to him about this? Maybe he can shed some light on his concerns and begin to understand your concerns.
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I wanna know too. Have you had a serious convo about your concerns? I think he sounds like a really good guy. I understand your not wanting to just leave him on a whim. So my advice would to be to have an honest talk and tell him that you really love him and appreciate him, but you need or want to see more consistent efforts to advance his career because it will be an indicator to you that he takes your joint futures very seriously.
 
poetist said:
I wanna know too. Have you had a serious convo about your concerns? I think he sounds like a really good guy. I understand your not wanting to just leave him on a whim. So my advice would to be to have an honest talk and tell him that you really love him and appreciate him, but you need or want to see more consistent efforts to advance his career because it will be an indicator to you that he takes your joint futures very seriously.
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We do talk about it a lot. We openly discuss everything and like I said, he does try for a while but then the energy fades. I just hate to bring it up AGAIN because it dampens the mood for a few weeks because he feels like I'm trying to distance myself from him when I have these concerns.
 
seeminglysweet said:
We do talk about it a lot. We openly discuss everything and like I said, he does try for a while but then the energy fades. I just hate to bring it up AGAIN because it dampens the mood for a few weeks because he feels like I'm trying to distance myself from him when I have these concerns.
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Well, Im not sure what advice to give because you guys are already living together and you dont want to cause any tension by bringing the issue up again. All I know is that you have to pay attention to your concerns. If you have a problem with something now, it will only be magnified during marriage. I think it's be hard for him to see or face his financial situation since you guys are living together and splitting expenses.

If you were living separately and he were at his moms house, while you have completed college, gotten your MA, and live successfully on your own, I think the differences would be more apparent and possibly cause him to make more of a consistent/permanent effort.
 
seeminglysweet said:
I don't think he is intimidated. I'm an expert in my field, he is an expert in his.
I understand why he is the way he is (because he's had his hand held his whole life by his parents) but even when I talk to him about it, he'll be in the grind for a few months and then he'll slump back into his "comfortable" space.

I know I can "do better" in terms of finding a man on my level in terms of education, finances and career , but I honestly don't think I'll find a guy that is as respectful and loving as he is. With all the women on this board and IRL that describe the troubles they have with men I consider myself lucky to have him, but it's just this area that I haven't seen any improvement in. I'm just not sure what should be considered more heavily.
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I understand your point here. This is just a suggestion. I am not sure how to get to this point but I think couples or pre-martial counseling will really bring these issues out and help you decide if he really is the one.

I would continue bringing up the issue but next time he starts to slump back suggest counseling and be upfront about your reasons about his temp job, no benefits, and no 401K. This will make him serious about getting a job or really show you his outlook on life. Once your in counseling be upfront about your relationship.
 
Sounds like you've had conversations where you've encouraged him to do better. However, he needs to understand that this "might be" a deal breaker for you.

~Honey
 
seeminglysweet said:
He isn't the only long-term temp. many have been there longer than him. He works for the school board so they employ temps because it's cheaper for them (no benefits, no 401k, etc)
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ok that's not good. is he really ok with that? i think for someone being at a job for 3 years anot getting any type of benefits, that's rediculous. maybe it's a self esteem issue with him?
 
give him a year to get it together.

or be out...He has to want to do better he can't do it for you.

he has to want better for himself.

So give it maybe a year and if it doesn't improve be out and explain before you bounce why you are bouncing..
 
IMO I think if he was already in this working situation when you got/moved in with him you have to give him time to change on his own.
 
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