LHCF Big Sister Program

[Silkycoils]

Hi Ladies,

I've been on lhcf for some years and today was the last straw for me. I am SICK AND TIRED of Black Women being abused and devalued by others and by themselves. I have read one too many threads about low-down men dogging sisters out!!!! It's not just men though, there are some who are dealing with toxic "friendships" as well. I want to be a part of the solution.

I propose an lhcf "Big Sister Program" wherein those of us who have our ish together (for the most part) mentor a sister who needs some help/action steps. It's basically a self-esteem ongoing bootcamp for those who WANT help, but don't know where to start. Believe me, I know what it's like to not know your own worth, but I'm a LIVING WITNESS that life is soooo much better on the other side!!!! It can be done! If we do not love on ourselves, how can we expect others to come and fill that void in our lives.

Here's what I can offer:

1. Tough, honest love--I do NOT believe in sugarcoating stuff. Truth is often a bitter pill to swallow, but I can PROMISE you that whatever I say, I say in love and I will not just criticize, but I will offer action steps as to how you can move past this.

Here's what I'd ask from my "little sister":

1. Do the work. I know it's not easy and many of us are dealing with scripts that we've been replaying over and over (and over) for 20, 30-odd years. I PROMISE you though that if you will commit to facing the "truth" and commiting to moving past it, it gets sooo much better.

Here's what I can't deal with:

1. People who just want to make me a sounding board and dump all of their toxic ish on me continually. I'm no therapist and I'm not here for that. Besides, it just perpetuates the negativity by keeping it circulating.

I've seen a number of threads on lhcf that deal with self-esteem, positivity, etc., but I just wanted to throw this out here b/c my heart aches when I read of someone going through a rough patch. I wish I would've had someone to really school me in my late teens/20s (some older women need help too).

If anyone is interested, hit me up in pm or we can have an open dialogue.

While I'm here, here are a few things that have been instrumental in my growth as a person. I hope this info helps someone.

1. Seven Habits of Highly Effective People--Steven J. Covey--simple, yet profound message. This book changed my life and the way I think of things/people. I just read it a few years ago

2. Journaling--I started this in 2007. I write my thoughts, good and bad. I can then re-read them and see what "space" I was in at that time and what I've learned since that entry. I also try and write gratitude entries when I make a journal entry. I list as many things as I can think of for which I am grateful. It helps.

3. The Positivity Blog--great site

4. EFT--got this from lhcf, it really works, though I don't do it consistently

5. Abraham-Hicks videos on youtube

6. Exercise

About me: I am NOT perfect! I will not sit on my throne and condemn you for your sins. I've been there, done that. I am a mother (a single one ), an educated professional and a homeowner who hasn't had an idyllic life in the least. I don't have all of the answers, but I have a tremendous amount of love/respect for myself. We are all precious gifts created by the Most High and we deserve love and respect.

Sorry if this was too long.



Each one, teach one. :blowkiss:

 

[**SaSSy**]

The simplistic advice I would give so few follow is, to not spend so much energy and time with a man who is JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. If you have to put even 51% into someone showing interest towards you, it's not wroth it. It took me years, but now it's like second nature for me.

 

[StarScream35]

I think this would be an excellent idea. I think many sistas really do need a big sista. I didn't realize there was so much brokeness out there until I joined LHCF. I'm not saying I'm perfect cause lord knows I'm not, I'm just saying things are more severe out there than I really thought.

I know many of you aren't Christian or believe in a God but I wanna say may the lord be with you. In the name of Jesus, I hope all of you find the Lord and allow him to be your savior so that there may be peace within!

 

[Silkycoils]

One of the key things I took from 7 Habits is to pay attention to a person's CHARACTER. People show you who they are if you are paying attention. People who try to get over on others, will likely try to get over on you one day. That girlfriend who doesn't have a problem sleeping with married men . . . Umm yeah. I used to think that b/c I was nice to people, a person wouldn't/shouldn't want to hurt me. It doesn't work that way in this world as the enemy is busy. Develop your character so that you become a better judge of other people's character. It really is that simple.

Again, I am not perfect, but I DO NOT associate with/deal with people who exhibit the following characteristics:

1. lack of integrity
2. addictive behavior
3. dishonesty (goes hand-in-hand w/integrity)
4. makes too many excuses (lack of personal responsibility)
5. criminality (goes without saying)

 

[MissJ]

One of the key things I took from 7 Habits is to pay attention to a person's CHARACTER. People show you who they are if you are paying attention. People who try to get over on others, will likely try to get over on you one day. That girlfriend who doesn't have a problem sleeping with married men . . . Umm yeah. I used to think that b/c I was nice to people, a person wouldn't/shouldn't want to hurt me. It doesn't work that way in this world as the enemy is busy. Develop your character so that you become a better judge of other people's character. It really is that simple.

Again, I am not perfect, but I DO NOT associate with/deal with people who exhibit the following characteristics:

1. lack of integrity
2. addictive behavior
3. dishonesty (goes hand-in-hand w/integrity)
4. makes too many excuses (lack of personal responsibility)
5. criminality (goes without saying)

I think I have the book in my house somewhere. I've never read it, but if it explains this phenomenon then I need to find it and read it. People try to get over on me all the time. It gets really old. I want to be the person that nobody tries to get over on.

This thread also reminds me of a radio show I was listening to yesterday. It was about what men want in a wife. The host made a point that men say that want a certain type of woman (nice, sweet, virginal, etc) but when they get that type of woman they "dog her out." She then argued that men really do not want that type of woman. She said they really wanted the "ho" and not the "housewife" and that they only say they want a housewife, because that's what society tells them they should want. I only listened to an hour of the show, so I don't know what conclusion she came to, however.

 

[bosswitch]

This is a great idea I look forward to learning from everyone!

 

[Silkycoils]

Lesson 1: Find something you like about yourself

When you have a healthy self-esteem, you like/accept yourself and you exude this in all that you do. For those interested, the first lesson is to find one (or more) things you like/appreciate about yourself. This lesson has two parts: physical and intrinsic qualities.

Physical--it is important to find SOMETHING you like about yourself. It can be your eyes, your teeth, your feet, your dainty ankles , SOMETHING. It slowly destroys your confidence to keep picking yourself a part and thinking of what you'd like to change. Also, I find a so-called "imperfection" and I say something positive about it, even if I've made it up. If you are overweight, tell yourself (ideally while naked in a mirror) that you love your womanly curves. Even if you want to lose weight, you are telling yourself that you love and accept yourself as you are. I'm natural and my hair is type 4a/4b. I don't have any hair complexes, but I do get annoyed when my ish gets tangled . So, instead of saying "I hate my hair!" or something like that that can roll easily off our tongues, I say, "I love my hair. It is a scientific wonder that coils around itself like a double helix. I love my hair and like a parent gently corrects a child, I will gently detangle and be good to it". Ya'll gon' think I'm crazy!!!! It works though!!!!

Intrinsic--It is even more important to find things you like/appreciate about yourself that have absolutely NOTHING to do with your looks. Looks aren't everything and there are tons of beautiful women w/low self-esteem. You don't want to have to depend on external validation and beauty fades/changes. When you appreciate your core qualities, you are accepting yourself fully. Define yourself and don't allow others to define you!!!! Are you funny? compassionate? stylish? loyal? intelligent? funny? List your positive attributes that you KNOW to be true, despite what anyone else says. Do this daily for about five days and review your list after you've written it daily. Hope this helps.

:blowkiss:

 

[ArrrBeee]

If a man tells you that he doesn't usually date someone like you, ( ie. " I usually date taller,skinnier, lighter, white etc.) run. It isn't a compliment that he's considering you. If you don't give him the deuces, he will know that your self esteem isn't where it should be and he will make a mockery of your feelings.

"Mean doesn't go away. Some people get better looking with age; some don't. Some people soften; some toughen up. Mean streaks tend not to disappear. A person who demeans and belittles you and speaks of you with contempt to others is probably going to be that way for years. The first time it happens, take note. The second time, take your coat and go."

Amy Bloom

 

[BertasHija]

I don't have any advice l0l but since I've discovered LHCF I've grown soooo much as a woman and it's really thanks to most of you wonderful ladies. I've come into so much knowledge about hair care and relationships that my entire perspective has changed on the way I value myself and everyone else.

I don't post much but I wanted to say that I think that this is an amazing idea because I learn something new from here EVERY SINGLE DAY and all I really do is click on "Today's Posts" l0l I feel like LHCF is a sorority and an amazing network and I'd love to continue getting advice from you all and now that I'll be finishing school in December (yay!!) I'd like to network with some of you as well!

I'm getting a little long-winded l0l one of these day's i'll post about my hair .. maybe l0l but Thanks again

 

[LoveBeautyKisses]

This is a great idea OP.

 

[BrandNew]

What is EFT?

 

[bosswitch]

What is EFT?

I was just about to ask. I've been thinking it was electronic funds transfer

 

[Silkycoils]

EFT is "Emotional Frequency Tapping". I learned about it here on lhcf. Basically, the premise is that you hold onto negative thoughts/emotions in your body and by tapping certain points and saying affirmations, you can release said thoughts. It works! Search the forum for the EFT threads. Also, Brad Yatess and Margaret Lynch have great videos on Youtube.

 

[ElizaBlue]

I think it's a great idea. I've been for years offering real estate, love and financial advice here. All the feedback I've gotten is that it was very helpful.

I just hate to be drawn into relationships where it's not advice one wants but attention. Don't have a lot of time for that...especially now.

Successful mentoring requires the mentee to do something and eventually graduate. Perpeptual re-learning is tiresome.

 

[Silkycoils]

Hi Ladies!

Lesson 2: Establish Your Boundaries Early On

It's important to define what you will and will NOT tolerate early on in a relationship (platonic or otherwise). The saying "you teach people how to treat you" is all too true. Carry yourself in a way that is consistent with what you want to project/how you want to feel. Also, just because you establish boundaries doesn't mean you have to go all "Angry Black Woman" on folks if they do something to "try" you. I am all about handling things with grace and ease . . . it's still effective. Case in point: I met a guy who seemed nice enough. He was polite and would reach out via text to check up on me from time to time, and vice versa. Now, I HATE excessive texters and had already relegated him to "friend zone", but I wasn't going to catch an attitude. Anywho, he sends me a text the other day to say "Hey". I respond and he says he's been in Aruba. He then asks me (again, via text) "When am I going to see you?", to which I reply "Ooh . . . Aruba! You can see me when you call me. " He never responded. You see, I'd already established the way I want to be treated and was/am therefore indifferent to anyone who does not meet that criteria. By being indifferent, I was able to communicate my standards to him in a light-hearted way w/o "reading" him. There's no need to even get annoyed w/folks who aren't an integral part of your life. Plus, by communicating my standards, he removed himself from the equation w/his response. Never be afraid to have standards ladies!!!! Do NOT even entertain men who are lukewarm about you. We all deserve someone who ADORES us and respects our time.