letting him be the man

[Amour]

Alot of people say that alot of black women especially independet women, effeminate their men by being too independent and taking control in the relationship.

Do you agree?

I have controlling issues, and my perception of men is a little messed up. I think it is because I was brought up by a single mother, because my DEADBEAT father left and didn't look back. I have seen my Mom have alot of bad relationships which has made me feel quite resentful to men, black men in particular. Growing up, my Mother was the man and woman of the house, she took control of EVERYTHING and didn't have help from anyone not even family, as a result I have institutionalised her way of being.

I have been secretly trying to work out my controlling ways and my SO as just called me out on it. Also how do you work out the balance?

So I wanted to know how do you let your man be the man? When and how do you take the step back?

 

[IntoMyhair]

I really can't explian it. It's almost like I let him think he is the Man
Like I pull back when I need to but have no problem stepping in.

ETA
It does not happen over night.

 

[Country gal]

I tend to attract men who are attracted to my independence and strength. I don't want a weak man. I know how to let a man be a man. The problem is I get men who are weak. The strongest man I dealt with was my son's father. The rest were always trying to find themselves.

 

[JFemme]

My thoughts...

When you meet a man that is secure in himself, aint nothing for YOU to do but be a woman....(yourself)

You aint got to LET him do/be anything....

If you are attracting those types that are bothered by your independence, aim higher....and KIM...

{{all the best,OP}} I see, that you are IN a relationship presently...In my intial response, I thought you were in the dating/looking phase....

 

[IntoMyhair]

Maybe my thoughts on control are not the same as everyone else's.
I am thinking more towards say for example. If your a mother with a newborn and you want to be the one doing Everything. Your S/O or D/H only wants to do is change the diaper. But you just have to do Everything and you treat him like he can't do anything right.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I really can't explian it. It's almost like I let him think he is the Man
Like I pull back when I need to but have no problem stepping in.

ETA
It does not happen over night.

I think there is some truth to this like the saying "you can catch more flies with honey." I see nothing wrong with letting a man take the traditional role and all that. But women are always pulling the strings behind the scenes.

 

[carcajada]

The first step is to choose a man who is really a man.

If you choose someone who is lacking, then your personality/tendencies are going to kick in and you're going to want to compensate for what he isn't doing. That's where the problem comes in and where men say such women are controlling. (note to those males: maybe you are greatly lacking and are in denial. )

 

[Amour]

The first step is to choose a man who is really a man.

If you choose someone who is lacking, then your personality/tendencies are going to kick in and you're going to want to compensate for what he isn't doing. That's where the problem comes in and where men say such women are controlling. (note to those males: maybe you are greatly lacking and are in denial. )

I agree with this generally, however, I know that I have a problem because I am controlling person, which is something I am working on especially with the relationship I have with my SO. He is quite a laid back person, whereas I can be abit over-power some (read:most ) of the time.

 

[treybaby2005]

My thoughts...

When you meet a man that is secure in himself, aint nothing for YOU to do but be a woman....(yourself)

You aint got to LET him do/be anything....

If you are attracting those types that are bothered by your independence, aim higher....and KIM...

{{all the best,OP}} I see, that you are IN a relationship presently...In my intial response, I thought you were in the dating/looking phase....

I agree wholeheartedlyThat's the problem.Men don't have their ish together nowadays.Not saying the op man doesn't but in my case,I am feeling that statement.

 

[drasgrl]

What if your man lets you be the man and he doesn't mind? That's the problem I have. I want him to step up but he doesn't so I do it. For example we were out looking for a used car about two years ago. He was the one paying for it but I was the one doing all the talking. I'm like you the man you need to do this.

There's other occasions this happened. Any where we go I always have to do the talking. This is frustrating. My man's first language isn't English but he speaks perfect English better than a native speaker and with no accent but for some reason he thinks he doesn't speak good English.

 

[carcajada]

I agree with this generally, however, I know that I have a problem because I am controlling person, which is something I am working on especially with the relationship I have with my SO. He is quite a laid back person, whereas I can be abit over-power some (read:most ) of the time.

So was I. I found that my problem was because I didn't trust anyone to do the job. I thought that if I performed the task, it would be done "right." I had to learn that just because I didn't do it, doesn't make it any less. For me to take that step and dig deeper into my issues, I had to have a man who knew wtf he was doing. I had to trust that he could do what he needed to do so that I wouldn't revert to being controlling. Just my experience.

Find out what makes you controlling. There's always something deeper behind our actions.

 

[MizzBrown]

What if your man lets you be the man and he doesn't mind? That's the problem I have. I want him to step up but he doesn't so I do it. For example we were out looking for a used car about two years ago. He was the one paying for it but I was the one doing all the talking. I'm like you the man you need to do this.

There's other occasions this happened. Any where we go I always have to do the talking. This is frustrating. My man's first language isn't English but he speaks perfect English better than a native speaker and with no accent but for some reason he thinks he doesn't speak good English.

Ugh, i had this issue with my ex. He had an accent. It wasn't that damn strong that he couldn't man up.

Buying him a car, i talked the ENTIRE time. They kept thinking that I was buying the car and tellin' me where to sign.

Going out to eat. He would look at the waiter all dumb and i'd get so frustrated and would just say "he wants this please!".....and then later, he'd proceed to tell me what he was getting off the menu..so that I could tell the waiter.

Got sick of that. I hate men like that. One of the reasons why we broke up. I like a man who takes control, walks ahead of me, opens doors, checks under my car hood, speaks on my behalf, etc.

Yes i can do this by myself but when i do, I always mumble under my breath to the guy and call him a "b!tch". I hate it THAT much.

 

[Country gal]

The first step is to choose a man who is really a man.

If you choose someone who is lacking, then your personality/tendencies are going to kick in and you're going to want to compensate for what he isn't doing. That's where the problem comes in and where men say such women are controlling. (note to those males: maybe you are greatly lacking and are in denial. )

This has been my situation.erplexed

 

[asummertyme]

I really can't explian it. It's almost like I let him think he is the Man
Like I pull back when I need to but have no problem stepping in.

ETA
It does not happen over night.

so true! took me yrs..but i did it...and i enjoy being able to let my guard down..

 

[Amour]

so true! took me yrs..but i did it...and i enjoy being able to let my guard down..

How did you do it? What type of things did you have problems with?

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Read "Mars and Venus On a Date" by John Gray. This book is SOOO classic! It is from the same author as "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", but in the "Date book", it teaches women who may also be from "Mars" how to tone down their "Martian side", and let a man take the lead. Really good stuff IMO.

The book talks about how women may have to exude more masculine qualities at work, but that when women try to take these same "masculine" qualities and apply them to relationships with men (pursuing him, being TOO independent, acting like you're OVERLY competent, etc) they end up turning men off, and the men don't even realize why sometimes!

The chapters:
-"Men Love a Woman With a Smile"
and
-"Why Some Women Remain Single"

were profound for me! I too grew up with a single parent mother who raised my sister and me. She is very independent, has her own business, works in a primarily male-dominated high profile position, and doesn't like anyone doing anything for her. Before getting older, wiser, and reading the "mars/venus" book however, I was probably just like her. I used to think (silly me) that showing a guy how "smart" or "competent" I was would make him like me more. NOT! These days I've learned so much more that men actually LIKE to do things for women. ESPECIALLY women that they are interested in! They like to feel needed. I've had to learn how to take the back seat, and just allow men (heck, even strangers) do something for me. Whether it's opening doors, allowing me to walk off of an elevator first, helping me carry something heavy, asking for their advice/opinion on something, etc...I find that men LOVE IT! They just melt like butter! It must make them feel manly and purposeful. And I in turn end up feeling good also. I don't think women were meant to take on certain responsibilities (just look at how the women were in the 20's, 30', 40's and 50's). Yet, due to the economy, or how things have taken place in our society, many women (especially women of color) these days don't really know how to relax and let the man be a man, because we're so used to having to do things by ourselves.

But the best way to get someone to do something IMO, is to STOP enabling their behavior. In other words, if you want your guy to take up the lead in something (even something you're COMPETENT in), just play dumb and let HIM take up the slack. If he doesn't, then it doesn't get done. If you don't order food for him, then guess what?? He doesn't eat! I think he would learn how to order food in English really quickly!

I don't know about anyone else, but it actually makes me feel womanly and more in touch with my feminine side when I just relax and let the man be the man.

 

[Radianthealth]

Great Post Crystalice!

Dr. Robin was talking about this on XM radio. She said that sometimes wifes fall into the masculine role because their husbands allow them to...but in the long run it can ruin the relationship because the husband becomes resentful of the controlling wife.

I saw this happen with my own parents

Marianne Williamson also mentioned something about praying to restore your feminine spirit. I am not sure if I have this right but she was basically saying that we should embrace our feminine role and be very careful to leave the aggression and masculinity in the boardroom.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Great Post Crystalice!

Thanks Radianthealth!

Marianne Williamson also mentioned something about praying to restore your feminine spirit. I am not sure if I have this right but she was basically saying that we should embrace our feminine role and be very careful to leave the aggression and masculinity in the boardroom.

Yep. John Gray advocates this as well. It's good to see that more women are starting to embrace this idea. I think for so long after the women's sufferage movement a lot of women went to the extreme, and felt that they shouldn't get ANY help from a man. Not even letting a man open a door for them! But I think some people threw out the baby with the bath water. There has to be a balance IMO.

 

[Radianthealth]

Not even letting a man open a door for them!

I have to admit I had an old coworker that always opened doors for me, and it felt kinda weird because I wasn't used to it

It felt awkward because I was not allowed to touch a door while we were in the same vicinity

 

[Nola Darling]

Great Post Crystalice!

Dr. Robin was talking about this on XM radio. She said that sometimes wifes fall into the masculine role because their husbands allow them to...but in the long run it can ruin the relationship because the husband becomes resentful of the controlling wife.

I saw this happen with my own parents

Marianne Williamson also mentioned something about praying to restore your feminine spirit. I am not sure if I have this right but she was basically saying that we should embrace our feminine role and be very careful to leave the aggression and masculinity in the boardroom.

LOL, I thought you said bedroom

 

[cmesweet]

I'm glad you asked this because I was "called out" also. It's good to hear the opinions on here.

 

[tyrablu]

Alot of people say that alot of black women especially independet women, effeminate their men by being too independent and taking control in the relationship.

Do you agree?

I have controlling issues, and my perception of men is a little messed up. I think it is because I was brought up by a single mother, because my DEADBEAT father left and didn't look back. I have seen my Mom have alot of bad relationships which has made me feel quite resentful to men, black men in particular. Growing up, my Mother was the man and woman of the house, she took control of EVERYTHING and didn't have help from anyone not even family, as a result I have institutionalised her way of being.

I have been secretly trying to work out my controlling ways and my SO as just called me out on it. Also how do you work out the balance?

So I wanted to know how do you let your man be the man? When and how do you take the step back?

I had control issues that now (after the end of my relationship) I relize had a negative effect on my relationship. Part of the reason was that my ex-SO wasn't a really take charge person and also in part I like to have my own way. I can understand where this comes from as growing up I took note of my parents relationship and made mental notes of things that I did not want to happen to me. There is more I want to add to this but somehow I can't get the words formulated correctly.

I am doing some real soul searching and have been real honest with myself and have come to the conclusion that I cannot allow my controlling way to get the better of me or any relationship that I will enter into from here on out. I will have to find that perfect balance that allows him to take control and be in control (whether he likes to do so or not) and where I am in control also of me. I hope this makes sense.

 

[Energist]

So I wanted to know how do you let your man be the man? When and how do you take the step back?

I just let him be himself. He cherishes his duty of taking care of me, so I allow him to do that. I am my own boss when I am out on a job or have decisions to make about things I want to do in the house. When it comes to comfortability, bills, necessities, etc... he wants to fulfill those roles, so I let him. There are times that I will just ask him if I can pay a certain bill to show him that I appreciate all that he does for me. He doesn't let me, but he is appreciative that I offer.

If we are outside driving somewhere and he gets lost, I may comment once and then leave it alone. I let him find his way out of the situation and he does. I just try not to challenge his ideas unless I believe that they are fundamentally flawed or wrong.

These are just a few things, I just let him take the lead role in our relationship and just enjoy being the woman, the wife. He knows that I have a strong independent streak, so I have had to work hard at a lot of what I'm like right now, but we are both very happy and stress free this way!

Some feminists may not like what I've written, but I do have all of the freedom in the world, he doesn't stifle me or not allow me to do whatever I want, I just don't want to. I have my business and go and come as I please and he respects all of that. It's just traditionally in his culture, it's important for the man to take care of the wife and make sure that she is well provided for. They can't take it the other way around.

 

[Nefertiti0906]

I definitely have a problem with this. For years, I wanted to prove that I could do my own thing.

So I wanted prove that I was strong, "one of the boys" so that no one would take advantage of me (now that I look back, it's really a control issue). But instead I came across as a *****.

Lately, I've been working on being more lady-like (but I'm still working on cussing ). At first it felt weird to let guys do things for me, but now I'm learning to appreciate it more and I actually like it

 

[tinkat]

So was I. I found that my problem was because I didn't trust anyone to do the job. I thought that if I performed the task, it would be done "right." I had to learn that just because I didn't do it, doesn't make it any less. For me to take that step and dig deeper into my issues, I had to have a man who knew wtf he was doing. I had to trust that he could do what he needed to do so that I wouldn't revert to being controlling. Just my experience.

Find out what makes you controlling. There's always something deeper behind our actions.

That is my problem. I am trying to work on that.

 

[lux10023]

i agree that sistahs due to being the head of the household for so long sometimes dont know how to play their position when a man is their partner and equal

i myself had to learn how to play my position and it makes a HUGE dif in the way a rlp will go--i let a man do the things he feels nec while still repspectign me and allowing me to have a voice-- i make sure he feels wanted and needed--and i also fall back on making every decision -i let him take the lead and lead us into a positive/right direction with my input of course but i dont need to have input on every damn thang lol---

it has changed the whole scope of rlp's in my world and i call it getting in the passenger's seat and lettin the man be the driver--some days i just say babe--im gonna be the passenger today and let you lead the way--instant smile on his face and head nod of appreciation

Do you agree?

Also how do you work out the balance?

So I wanted to know how do you let your man be the man? When and how do you take the step back?

 

[Lady Esquire]

Alot of people say that alot of black women especially independet women, effeminate their men by being too independent and taking control in the relationship.

Do you agree?

I have controlling issues, and my perception of men is a little messed up. I think it is because I was brought up by a single mother, because my DEADBEAT father left and didn't look back. I have seen my Mom have alot of bad relationships which has made me feel quite resentful to men, black men in particular. Growing up, my Mother was the man and woman of the house, she took control of EVERYTHING and didn't have help from anyone not even family, as a result I have institutionalised her way of being.

I have been secretly trying to work out my controlling ways and my SO as just called me out on it. Also how do you work out the balance?

So I wanted to know how do you let your man be the man? When and how do you take the step back?

I have seen my mom emasculate her men, and is now on marriage #3, which is slowly tanking.

A lot of women go wrong because they do not understand that you can be strong and still be a woman. Letting him be the man will not make you weak, it simply makes you a wiser and a happier woman. You can still be independent, and be THE woman.

Its tough enough being a woman, so I am certainly not interested in his job in being the man, and vice versa.

To answer your question, treat him the way you would want to be treated with trust, respect, and dignity....and the rest of your childhood baggage will slowly work it self out.

 

[andrea]

Alot of people say that alot of black women especially independet women, effeminate their men by being too independent and taking control in the relationship.

Do you agree?

I have controlling issues, and my perception of men is a little messed up. I think it is because I was brought up by a single mother, because my DEADBEAT father left and didn't look back. I have seen my Mom have alot of bad relationships which has made me feel quite resentful to men, black men in particular. Growing up, my Mother was the man and woman of the house, she took control of EVERYTHING and didn't have help from anyone not even family, as a result I have institutionalised her way of being.

I have been secretly trying to work out my controlling ways and my SO as just called me out on it. Also how do you work out the balance?

So I wanted to know how do you let your man be the man? When and how do you take the step back?

I haven't read this whole thread but let me just saying I am soo happy I found this.. I really think that I may have went to far with my so and now it seems like he really just doesnt even like me...I mean I know he loves me but sometimes the way he looks at me is like "Damn, can't you just back off, shut up, relax, let go., any of those things.. I realize that it's me being controlling and whats really bad is I do not even realize I am doing it most of the times..

I certainly would love for our relationship to work but if it doesnt.. I certainly dont want to make the same mistake again.. I have had counseling for other family issues and I realize what makes me tick and such.. Then when I meet a guy.. I go into a relationship and something happens then its all over for me..

So, I guess its like How do you come back from this? or How do I not make the same mistake again? I wonder if its a I dont know how to let a Black Man be a Black man or a Man be a man in general... Now I am going back to read the whole thread. I was just so happy to see a post already about this..

 

[andrea]

The first step is to choose a man who is really a man.

If you choose someone who is lacking, then your personality/tendencies are going to kick in and you're going to want to compensate for what he isn't doing. That's where the problem comes in and where men say such women are controlling. (note to those males: maybe you are greatly lacking and are in denial. )

Wow...You are not far off.. I think that is exactly what I do or have done in the past.

I have seen my mom emasculate her men, and is now on marriage #3, which is slowly tanking.

A lot of women go wrong because they do not understand that you can be strong and still be a woman. Letting him be the man will not make you weak, it simply makes you a wiser and a happier woman. You can still be independent, and be THE woman.

Its tough enough being a woman, so I am certainly not interested in his job in being the man, and vice versa.

To answer your question, treat him the way you would want to be treated with trust, respect, and dignity....and the rest of your childhood baggage will slowly work it self out.

I dont know how to bold the part of the quote I wanted to highlight but..this comment right here.

."A lot of women go wrong because they do not understand that you can be strong and still be a woman. Letting him be the man will not make you weak, it simply makes you a wiser and a happier woman. You can still be independent, and be THE woman"

How do I do this? How do I be who I am strong and independent but still a woman, I guess I am afraid that If I let my guard down, or I stop being controlling that I will get taken advantage of or my feeling hurt or whatever.. While being controlling causes me to lose the relationship I want and push him away....

So, Help a sistah out.. I have to get this right at some point.. the sooner the better