:::Nadi gets sentimental:::
It's my ex of almost 6 years. I know I need to let him go, and lord knows I try, but he's also my ace - the one person who won't judge, who's always willing to try something just because it's what I want, who tells me that I'm beautiful even when I don't feel it. We broke up officially about 8 months ago, but you know how that goes. Sometimes I feel like I need to just cut him lose, but when I get lonely, he's the first person I think of to call. AND THEN I get frustrated for feeling as though I'm running back to him. Sometimes I worry that maybe deep down I'm afraid of being alone and don't even know it.
But he's sooooo incredibly irresponsible to the point where at times his lack of responsibility starts to encroach on the things that I want. I'll keep it real - sometimes I wrestle with myself over whether or not I'm being "realistic" and "practical" or whether I'm hung up on money and other issues, that in the long run aren't really that big of a thing - or something that will work itself out. I work hard and I play hard, but I'm also preparing for my future and my future family. I'm not looking for someone who's willing to come along for the ride - I want a co-pilot (or better yet, you hop in the left seat and I'll be the co-pilot). We've both got our foot in two worlds, and I love the fact that he can relate to me on that level, but at times I feel like I'm the only one putting in the effort. That I try hard to fit into his world so he can feel comfortable but that at times (a lot of times), he's lazy when it comes to trying to fit into mine.
It's just that my biggest fear is divorce - yea, I know - something I have only partial control over. I hate divorce. I hate everything about it. I think it's a cop out.
BUT I also understand why people do it. My folks were married for 24 year and split up when I was 21 - and even though I was older, it is still something that I struggle with at times (especially during the holidays) even still 6 years later. And I'll be damned if I go into marriage or any long term relationship knowing that divorce or splitting up is even a remote possibility.
So I think I've got to cut him lose.
...but Nadi's just not so sure how.
On a more humorous note - I'm like Carrie Bradshaw in the wedding dress store when her and Miranda we're trying on ugly wedding dress. I'm just not ready yet. Folks always think it's the dude who's running from marriage - I AM the one who gets irritable when folks bring it up (i.e. "ya'll have been together for ____, why not just make it official"). I'm the one with the sweaty palms, the racing heart and the hyperventilation.