Livingmylifetothefullest
Well-Known Member
I need "how to be approachable" tips. I'm known as the "Ice Queen" and I'm sick of hearing it at this point. I've tried based on what others have said about me but it clearly isn't working.
Ladies Who Understand ...
- Thread starter Livingmylifetothefullest
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phynestone
Well-Known Member
I've been told the same thing. I guess smiling a little more, being a little more social could help. I'm talking to myself as I write this too.
Livingmylifetothefullest
Well-Known Member
Let's see:
"You look like your going to knock someone's head off"
"You don't ever smile unless it's someone you know"
"You avoid eye contact unless it's someone you know"
"Your rigid and walk like a solider"
, I still don't see this but....."You don't like being in groups", which I don't unless I absolutely have to
and many more
GreenD
New Member
Well, I'll play therapist if you will. Do you feel there's some truth to what other people say about you? Why do you think so?
I think you probably just need to take a step back and see what it is that people are saying and why? Start asking yourself why you walk a certain way, and why you don't like groups, and why you don't smile unless it's someone you kow?
Make sure the people that are telling you this are people that love you and have your best interest at heart, as all others are just haters and you can take it as a grain of salt.
I think you'll find the answers to your questions and you can work from there, but at least you're starting with why and the root of the problem. I used to be the same way and it was because I was dealing with things that hadn't been resolved and they just consumed me. I wasn't living and enjoying life. It took a couple of times for me to catch my self laughing/smiling in the mirror and I was actually surprised at what I saw. I really asked myself why didn't I smile more often if I looked like that!! LOL!!! Now I do it all the time.
I think you probably just need to take a step back and see what it is that people are saying and why? Start asking yourself why you walk a certain way, and why you don't like groups, and why you don't smile unless it's someone you kow?
Make sure the people that are telling you this are people that love you and have your best interest at heart, as all others are just haters and you can take it as a grain of salt.
I think you'll find the answers to your questions and you can work from there, but at least you're starting with why and the root of the problem. I used to be the same way and it was because I was dealing with things that hadn't been resolved and they just consumed me. I wasn't living and enjoying life. It took a couple of times for me to catch my self laughing/smiling in the mirror and I was actually surprised at what I saw. I really asked myself why didn't I smile more often if I looked like that!! LOL!!! Now I do it all the time.
ixoyegodisgood
New Member
I think smiling more is the most obvious resolution, and I use that all the time.
I also think it goes so much deeper than that. I, too, was called the ice queen. Told I was mean looking. I think the long and short is positive affirmation. I know it sounds new-age and bunch of gibberish, but it is what has helped me on the past three years and accept me for who I am. I released the the monkey off my back that was there for literally decades. Knowing that not everyone is going to like me, and that is okay. I am not going to like everyone I meet, and thats okay. For me its all about saying that I gave everyone and every opportunity a shot. Avoiding failure and rejection is just putting off the inevitable, IMO. However its how you deal with it and learn from it is what matters. Showing a genuine interest in other people always helps when in a jam. That way you dont have the pressure of being 'on' and you can just listen and be responsive. Its hard to trust people. At least in my case. However, I had to start somewhere. 
LifeafterLHCF
New Member
Well I have been called ice crotch so I feel your pain.I would not be true to myself if I fully agreed with the ladies on here.However if its in your nature not to be be a extrovert ie smiling then it will come off fake as heck.I have tried to be the sweet pretty girl who smiled and waves and bubbly.That lasted maybe a few hours bc I wasn't be true to myself.
I feel some people esp men have this thought that women are suppose to smile and be all approachable.That far from the truth.As a woman I feel I have every right to not allow people in my personal space.Personal space isn't just about ppl being too close but eye contact,smiling all that jazzy.I am me who is very straight forward hate working in groups unless its with ppl that are mature and Im not going to be anybody ditzy acting girl who is all super friendly.I know there are some ladies who are just friendly but then there those who are extra to me...to each their own..
I feel some people esp men have this thought that women are suppose to smile and be all approachable.That far from the truth.As a woman I feel I have every right to not allow people in my personal space.Personal space isn't just about ppl being too close but eye contact,smiling all that jazzy.I am me who is very straight forward hate working in groups unless its with ppl that are mature and Im not going to be anybody ditzy acting girl who is all super friendly.I know there are some ladies who are just friendly but then there those who are extra to me...to each their own..
ixoyegodisgood
New Member
Livingmylifetothefullest
Well-Known Member
Okay with unapproachable: if the man is just weird to me other than that, I don't mind men approaching
Sick of others: yes, it's almost a daily thing that they tell me and I'm tired of hearing it
More approachable: yes, I want to be but I think I've gotten so used to my "personality" that I've just accepted that I'm not approachable
Duchesse
Well-Known Member
I'm an Ice Queen too. What has helped, this is not only directed towards men, is being focused and aware of my facial muscles. I have a tendency to have stone eyes and kinda furrowed eyebrows, mainly because I've always been shy and didn't like to be looked at. But when you become aware of your grill, then you can try softening your face to become more approachable.
Now when out and about, unless I truly don't want to be bothered, I try softening my eyes and mouth, have a semi smirk and inviting expression. With men, practice making eye contact and slightly smiling..not a full out cheese smile though.
Also, I'm assuming you are quiet as well, practice being more outgoing. Friendly, talkative people who look like they are enjoying life, will become more approachable automatically.
Now when out and about, unless I truly don't want to be bothered, I try softening my eyes and mouth, have a semi smirk and inviting expression. With men, practice making eye contact and slightly smiling..not a full out cheese smile though.
Also, I'm assuming you are quiet as well, practice being more outgoing. Friendly, talkative people who look like they are enjoying life, will become more approachable automatically.
Crystalicequeen123
Well-Known Member
Well....heehee...despite my USERname... lol... I don't consider myself an Ice Queen.
However, years back when I was a teenager and I was shy, I think I unknowingly gave off the IMPRESSION that I was an Ice Queen, or that I was snobby. People used to actually tell me: "Wow...I didn't know you were so cool Crystal! I thought you were mean/snobby/stuck-up (insert whatever adjective)."
Also, when I was going through a hard time and feeling down about life about a couple of years back, I literally used to walk around with a dark CLOUD over me. Even co-workers and friends who knew me would come up to me and ask me what was wrong. It was like my thoughts were consumed by my pain, sadness, anger, anxiety, depression, etc. Even though I still smiled during this time, there were times when I looked so forlorn and melancholoy.
So, I'm not saying that those are the reasons why you perhaps seem unapproachable to others, but it is worth digging deeper to figure out the reason why you may not be as approachable as you might like. Sometimes it's just plain old mistrust of other people. And there's nothing wrong with that per se. There really are some CRAZY people out here.
BUT! I can tell you one thing, smiling and being friendly and personable with everyone really did make a WORLD of difference for me! I took off my "shy" coat, and really started engaging with other people, smiling more, and being friendly and conversational.
Why not try just smiling a little bit more in public? It may feel silly at first, but later on you'll feel good about it. Natural endorphins are emitted when you smile. Plus, everyone looks better when they smile. Even if your teeth are jacked up. Ther'es just something about a SMILE that really captures the beauty in someone. It's like you can just see the happiness radiating from within.
So try:
-smiling more
-striking up a conversation with strangers (even if you just remark about: "wow...it sure is cold today!" or "is it Friday yet??") You'd be surprised how the simplest little comments can make people more at ease around you and begin to chat w/you.
-showing personal genuine interest in others
It will really do wonders...I promise!
In fact, one day I was doing an "experiment" by smiling more, and I'm telling you I had to stop after one day because I was getting hit on by so many men! It was getting a little scary actually...
lol
However, years back when I was a teenager and I was shy, I think I unknowingly gave off the IMPRESSION that I was an Ice Queen, or that I was snobby. People used to actually tell me: "Wow...I didn't know you were so cool Crystal! I thought you were mean/snobby/stuck-up (insert whatever adjective)."
Also, when I was going through a hard time and feeling down about life about a couple of years back, I literally used to walk around with a dark CLOUD over me. Even co-workers and friends who knew me would come up to me and ask me what was wrong. It was like my thoughts were consumed by my pain, sadness, anger, anxiety, depression, etc. Even though I still smiled during this time, there were times when I looked so forlorn and melancholoy.
So, I'm not saying that those are the reasons why you perhaps seem unapproachable to others, but it is worth digging deeper to figure out the reason why you may not be as approachable as you might like. Sometimes it's just plain old mistrust of other people. And there's nothing wrong with that per se. There really are some CRAZY people out here.
BUT! I can tell you one thing, smiling and being friendly and personable with everyone really did make a WORLD of difference for me! I took off my "shy" coat, and really started engaging with other people, smiling more, and being friendly and conversational.
Why not try just smiling a little bit more in public? It may feel silly at first, but later on you'll feel good about it. Natural endorphins are emitted when you smile. Plus, everyone looks better when they smile. Even if your teeth are jacked up. Ther'es just something about a SMILE that really captures the beauty in someone. It's like you can just see the happiness radiating from within.
So try:
-smiling more
-striking up a conversation with strangers (even if you just remark about: "wow...it sure is cold today!" or "is it Friday yet??") You'd be surprised how the simplest little comments can make people more at ease around you and begin to chat w/you.
-showing personal genuine interest in others
It will really do wonders...I promise!
In fact, one day I was doing an "experiment" by smiling more, and I'm telling you I had to stop after one day because I was getting hit on by so many men! It was getting a little scary actually...
lol
pisceschica
Well-Known Member
Non-verbal cues are HUGE part of it in my opinion. You have to look happy, healthy, and smile a lot.
Nayeli
Well-Known Member
I've never been known as unapproachable but I've noticed things that I do unconsciously that may give that appearance. I think that's why we are often surprised when we are told this - we aren't even aware of what we're doing. These are some of the things I've noticed can give that "icy" impression and how I try to do otherwise.
Folding arms - for some it's just a comfortable position but when you're arms are crossed it's seen as a gesture of closing yourself off to others.
Furrowing brows - I do this a lot without even knowing. It's mostly because I'm always concentrating earnestly on something, but this too sends that "unapproachable" message. I try to relax my brows as much as possible.
Smiling tight-lipped - I've always made an effort to have an "open" smile. It's more engaging. A tight smile can sometimes say "ok, I got the joke, now stop talking." lol
Positioning of the body - when we position our bodies away from someone with whom we're talking, it may appear like we're not receptive to the person. Now you don't have to go leaning in lol but open poses help.
Asking closed questions - this is something I picked up as a peer counselor and it's great when it comes to making good conversation. Instead of asking closed questions that will give a "yes" or "no" answer, it's good to ask open questions that will provoke thought and encourage longer answers, thus generating more interaction.
Giving short answers - a bit of an extension of the first. One thing I try to do when I'm answering someone, is use pauses. Even if someone is asking me how my day is going I pause and really look as if I'm thinking about all the things that have happened during the day. Then I'll say "well, now that I think about it, my day is ...." I've found that people are very receptive to this because they're so accustomed to blunt, abrupt answers like "not bad" or "cool."
Folding arms - for some it's just a comfortable position but when you're arms are crossed it's seen as a gesture of closing yourself off to others.
Furrowing brows - I do this a lot without even knowing. It's mostly because I'm always concentrating earnestly on something, but this too sends that "unapproachable" message. I try to relax my brows as much as possible.
Smiling tight-lipped - I've always made an effort to have an "open" smile. It's more engaging. A tight smile can sometimes say "ok, I got the joke, now stop talking." lol
Positioning of the body - when we position our bodies away from someone with whom we're talking, it may appear like we're not receptive to the person. Now you don't have to go leaning in lol but open poses help.
Asking closed questions - this is something I picked up as a peer counselor and it's great when it comes to making good conversation. Instead of asking closed questions that will give a "yes" or "no" answer, it's good to ask open questions that will provoke thought and encourage longer answers, thus generating more interaction.
Giving short answers - a bit of an extension of the first. One thing I try to do when I'm answering someone, is use pauses. Even if someone is asking me how my day is going I pause and really look as if I'm thinking about all the things that have happened during the day. Then I'll say "well, now that I think about it, my day is ...." I've found that people are very receptive to this because they're so accustomed to blunt, abrupt answers like "not bad" or "cool."
Livingmylifetothefullest
Well-Known Member
Now I can admit that I don't do the "open" positioning because I've noticed it causes most people to d*** near be in my face which I'm not fond of. Then when I step back, they take a step toward me so we're close again
Nayeli
Well-Known Member
^^^ And that's fine - each person has that imaginary circle around them that they'd rather not have people step into. If giving people a full frontal causes them to invade your space then you can do other things ie. slight movements of the mouth to let them know that the conversation is (or seems lol) interesting to you, tilting the head, holding eye contact - the idea is to be reactive.
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