Is This A Reasonable Request Or Is He Doing Too Much?

[okange76]

IMO the request is reasonable but the tone and timing is wrong. He should have worded it differently or made it about them. He should have signed up for the classes himself as well. What do you think?

Hello NW!

We recently got married two years ago but we been together for over 12 years . We met during high school and started dating in university. She has been my rock,we hustled together, she took care of me when I was jobless and penniless, paid the rent,cooked- she never left my side when others did!!

Last year , a friend introduced me to a business, I didn't have the initial deposit needed, and my wife worked so hard, hustled like crazy and dropped some money. Long story short, the deal was successful and we are way better off in hundred folds.

Last week, I asked her to brush and clean herself up by going for etiquette lesson( which I was going to pay for) so she can act and match our new status and she took GREAT offence in it, calling me selfish,ungrateful etc. Even went as far to threaten to divorce me and take everything if I dare leave her!!!

Please am I wrong to suggest that?? Wouldn't you have done the same?

 

[lavaflow99]

His word choice sucks. If he wanted her to get all dolled up, he could have hooked her up with mani/pedi gift cards, hair/makeup appointments, etc. as a present.

 

[LiftedUp]

She didn't need etiquette lessons when she was supporting him, or when he was spending her money, or when she was investing in his business... smh.

 

[curlicarib]

His word choice sucks. If he wanted her to get all dolled up, he could have hooked her up with mani/pedi gift cards, hair/makeup appointments, etc. as a present.

This is very different than etiquette. If he's asking for etiquette classes then she is unpolished and needs to up her game. I'm not mad at him for wanting to improve their status, but I'm mad at how he presented it. He may need a few etiquette classes himself. Perhaps he should have presented it as they BOTH need to brush up and attend the classes.

 

[londontresses]

This is very different that etiquette. If he's asking for etiquette classes then she is unpolished and needs to up her game. I'm not mad at him for wanting to improve their status, but I'm mad at how he presented it. He may need a few etiquette classes him. Perhaps he should have presented it as they BOTH need to brush up and attend the classes.

I agree with your whole post but particularly the bolded. Make it a we thing, something they could do together since they've BOTH come up. It really wouldnt have hurt.

 

[RocStar]

Last week, I asked her to brush and clean herself up by going for etiquette lesson( which I was going to pay for) so she can act and match our new status and she took GREAT offence in it, calling me selfish,ungrateful etc. Even went as far to threaten to divorce me and take everything if I dare leave her!!!

Please am I wrong to suggest that?? Wouldn't you have done the same?

Does the new status include spelling correctly? It is just hard for me to read someone talking about status/wealth/whatever and they can't spell.

 

[hopeful]

Very rude and unkind. He sounds like a jerk IMO. I think she is the one who did too much though -- continuously taking care of his behind and holding him down made him feel entitled and extra special. If he had been working his behind off all those years he probably would need a little polishing up himself. But he's been sitting back being taken care of and pampered by her. Itch made if you ask me.

 

[Miss617]

Does the new status include spelling correctly? It is just hard for me to read someone talking about status/wealth/whatever and they can't spell.

Offence is British English.

 

[IronButterfly]

He might not have "asked" the right way...who wants to be told to "brush and clean herself up" (if these were the actual words he used with her). Judging by his demeanor he could stand to go to etiquette class himself! lol However, if their new status life could be furthered enhanced by few classes with Miss Manners, then they both should take advantage of them.

But, yes, I do think she overreacted. It's not like he asked her to lick toilet bowl. Despite her threats, he can still upgrade to a newer model and leave her mired in her self-righteous indignation.

 

[RocStar]

Offence is British English.

Thanks, I didn't even think about that.

 

[Miss617]

Thanks, I didn't even think about that.

No problem! I used to work with a bunch of British writers, so stuff like that always sticks out to me, lol.

 

[summertimewine]

He presented it in a wrong way. He should've just bought tickets to the class for both of them and made a joke out of it. Like "you know how sloppy I can be at the dinner table haha. I thought it would be fun to go and learn something new." And she would've been fine. But saying it the way he did made it seem like she was uncouth, and classless.

 

[Farida]

It depends, does he need her to become polished for business reasons or simply for status? It sounds like the latter in the OP. if he is just afraid of being embarrassed he needs to GTHOOHWTBS. After all she has done he needs to get over himself.

However, if she is involved in networking and the face of the business he should take it up as something for BOTH of them. Sometimes in a relationship though you realize one spouse is better as the face of the relationship and the other one will work behind the scenes. You pick your battles and cannot win them all...there's a reason many people think Prince Philip died and why Biden is not always allowed to speak

 

[LiftedUp]

Even went as far to threaten to divorce me and take everything if I dare leave her!!!

He's looking to leave her. After sending her to manners and etiquette classes, he'll find something else she has to "fix" and it'll go on like that until he finally (to him) trades up. She created a monster. These situations, from what I've seen, rarely work in the woman's favour.

Anyway, good news is that depending on his success, she'll leave with a good return on her investment.

 

[lavaflow99]

This is very different than etiquette. If he's asking for etiquette classes then she is unpolished and needs to up her game. I'm not mad at him for wanting to improve their status, but I'm mad at how he presented it. He may need a few etiquette classes himself. Perhaps he should have presented it as they BOTH need to brush up and attend the classes.

My eyes managed to skip over the "etiquette classes" for some reason. Maybe I was so disgusted when I read he wanted her to clean up her appearance, I stopped reading. But you are right....getting mani/pedi is way different from etiquette classes (my bad) and still could have presented to her with some tact.

 

[okange76]

For the ladies in relationships, how have you dealt with the major dumb crap your man has said or done over the years? Did you ignore it? Let him have it, or give him your own brand of etiquette lessons? Details of exactly what he did are not necessary.

 

[MD_Lady]

It does sound ungrateful. Sometimes, you have to focus on your spouse's strengths and overlook their shortcomings (like she did when she was helping him achieve his goals, instead of criticizing him for not being able to accomplish them on his own).

 

[ElizaBlue]

So...he's worried about her using the wrong fork at dinner? But in the 12 years they've been together it was okay....cause they were eating with their hands...now tho...SHE needs to do better?

 

[Tressed]

^^^I wished a muthf*cka would!

 

[Mortons]

Call me judge Scalia, because I'm going to dissent here: I would find this reasonable for her to do. I dont like the way he put it.He should have said that BOTH of them were going to invest in their appearance and should take some etiquette classes so that they do better together as a team.

I do sometimes see men and women attempting to navigate new social circles and make everyone around them cringe due to poor mannerisms. When women do this the men immediately hone in on it just like they hone in on and gravitate to the who have gracious manners and auras. Nothing good comes from being the ill manner wife in the new circle. Think about how differently the men in Kandi's life receive her (even with all that money) and how much better Marlo seems to be treated and able to finesse. Even if Kandi becomes a billionaire due to her tackiness and her less than thrilling etiquette she is probably as high as she can get socially.

The wife should (ignoring his demeanor) consider this an opportunity for her to hustle in a way that will help her. There is always room for a woman who knows how to hustle behind the scenes and still look impeccable when the curtain is drawn.

 

[ladysaraii]

Call me judge Scalia, because I'm going to dissent here: I would find this reasonable for her to do. I dont like the way he put it.He should have said that BOTH of them were going to invest in their appearance and should take some etiquette classes so that they do better together as a team.

I do sometimes see men and women attempting to navigate new social circles and make everyone around them cringe due to poor mannerisms. When women do this the men immediately hone in on it just like they hone in on and gravitate to the who have gracious manners and auras. Nothing good comes from being the ill manner wife in the new circle. Think about how differently the men in Kandi's life receive her (even with all that money) and how much better Marlo seems to be treated and able to finesse. Even if Kandi becomes a billionaire due to her tackiness and her less than thrilling etiquette she is probably as high as she can get socially.

The wife should (ignoring his demeanor) consider this an opportunity for her to hustle in a way that will help her. There is always room for a woman who knows how to hustle behind the scenes and still look impeccable when the curtain is drawn.

I agree with you completely. I know that I likely would have been offended by the implication that it's just me that needs to change. A bit of finesse on his part likely would have prevented the problem.

However, with her reaction, I wonder what else is going on to make her lash out that way?

 

[curlicarib]

I agree. You need all the tools you can get when you're moving up in the world. There is nothing wrong with self improvement in ALL areas. But husband needs some etiquette lessons himself.

Call me judge Scalia, because I'm going to dissent here: I would find this reasonable for her to do. I dont like the way he put it.He should have said that BOTH of them were going to invest in their appearance and should take some etiquette classes so that they do better together as a team.

I do sometimes see men and women attempting to navigate new social circles and make everyone around them cringe due to poor mannerisms. When women do this the men immediately hone in on it just like they hone in on and gravitate to the who have gracious manners and auras. Nothing good comes from being the ill manner wife in the new circle. Think about how differently the men in Kandi's life receive her (even with all that money) and how much better Marlo seems to be treated and able to finesse. Even if Kandi becomes a billionaire due to her tackiness and her less than thrilling etiquette she is probably as high as she can get socially.

The wife should (ignoring his demeanor) consider this an opportunity for her to hustle in a way that will help her. There is always room for a woman who knows how to hustle behind the scenes and still look impeccable when the curtain is drawn.

 

[ElizaBlue]

I agree with you completely. I know that I likely would have been offended by the implication that it's just me that needs to change. A bit of finesse on his part likely would have prevented the problem.

However, with her reaction, I wonder what else is going on to make her lash out that way?

Call me judge Scalia, because I'm going to dissent here: I would find this reasonable for her to do. I dont like the way he put it.He should have said that BOTH of them were going to invest in their appearance and should take some etiquette classes so that they do better together as a team.

I do sometimes see men and women attempting to navigate new social circles and make everyone around them cringe due to poor mannerisms. When women do this the men immediately hone in on it just like they hone in on and gravitate to the who have gracious manners and auras. Nothing good comes from being the ill manner wife in the new circle. Think about how differently the men in Kandi's life receive her (even with all that money) and how much better Marlo seems to be treated and able to finesse. Even if Kandi becomes a billionaire due to her tackiness and her less than thrilling etiquette she is probably as high as she can get socially.

The wife should (ignoring his demeanor) consider this an opportunity for her to hustle in a way that will help her. There is always room for a woman who knows how to hustle behind the scenes and still look impeccable when the curtain is drawn.

I agree. You need all the tools you can get when you're moving up in the world. There is nothing wrong with self improvement in ALL areas. But husband needs some etiquette lessons himself.

I am in agreement with all of this but BUT my point is if they've been together this long...and her hustle was good enough to get them invited to the dance...this is not something he just now had a problem with and if it is then I am suspect of his motive. If her manners have always been an issue where was he and what was he doing for 12 years?

When my ex-husband joined my real estate company I opened my mouth and said I think WE should join toastmasters so that WE can present ourselves in the best light. Granted I have zero issues with articulating, enunciating or knowing which fork to use. He on the other hand....didn't think those things were important. When he told me eating with his mouth open/slurping his food at home was okay because 1) we were at home and 2) does that matter when you make 6 figures...honestly....I knew then we wouldn't make it.

I've eaten with homeless people with better manners...

I just want to add something here before someone jumps up with the UE speak. My parents weren't moneyed. But they found money to send us to dance, finishing school, etc. We also had to join various clubs at school to gain speaking ability and poise. I hated it...pretty much all of it...except the Chess and Debate Teams. Granted not everyone did this for their kids and they turned out perfectly fine. But they do tend to stand out in certain settings...if they didn't learn social etiquette later on their own.

 

[Mortons]

I am in agreement with all of this but BUT my point is if they've been together this long...and her hustle was good enough to get them invited to the dance...this is not something he just now had a problem with and if it is then I am suspect of his motive. If her manners have always been an issue where was he and what was he doing for 12 years?

Her hustle did get them where they are which is why she should take full advantage of it by helping her own self with these classes. She is throwing out the baby with the bathwater, when that baby could be her golden goose. He probably is in a different social circle and you know the old saying "when you know better, you do better". Plenty of first wives have been used to make it, then left to the wayside when the husband finally knew his money and status could get him better. She should not sit by and let this happen to her, cause honestly, that's probably the second act of this story.

Home girl in the OP can either be pissy, or she can take the opportunity to do something that will increase her capital, regardless of him. She can take some of the money she helped make a schmooze with monied men with her better abilities. That way if anything does happen in the future, she is better off for the wear not worse. A woman who can turn water into wine is desirable in any social of her social circles. the problem is breaking into one.

 

[ElizaBlue]

Her hustle did get them where they are which is why she should take full advantage of it by helping her own self with these classes. She is throwing out the baby with the bathwater, when that baby could be her golden goose. He probably is in a different social circle and you know the old saying "when you know better, you do better". Plenty of first wives have been used to make it, then left to the wayside when the husband finally knew his money and status could get him better. She should not sit by and let this happen to her, cause honestly, that's probably the second act of this story.

Home girl in the OP can either be pissy, or she can take the opportunity to do something that will increase her capital, regardless of him. She can take some of the money she helped make a schmooze with monied men with her better abilities. That way if anything does happen in the future, she is better off for the wear not worse. A woman who can turn water into wine is desirable in any social of her social circles. the problem is breaking into one.

I agree that he's probably going to dump her anyway...what he's showing right now is just discontent and that is going to manifest itself again in some form or fashion no matter what she does. Lol...she does need to make her own changes to improve herself or be ready to be a real Cookie Lyon and take her assets/skills and make her own way.

Forgive me if I'm misconstruing your comments...but as far as breaking into social circles...meh.....I don't really cotton to social circles. I don't like the Bourgeoisie...which can turn out some of the most ghetto of the ghetto-ish actions out of a primped mouth. I prefer down to earth just good people. I know plenty of self made common folk with good manners who either just have a great product or service that others seek out, and they didn't make their wealth from who they know.

In my opinion and this is just my opinion when one depends on circles and networks...that can be sort of spoon feeding. I'm a member of a very swanky group and there's a lot of cannibalism that goes on when it comes to doing business.

 

[ElizaBlue]

For the ladies in relationships, how have you dealt with the major dumb crap your man has said or done over the years? Did you ignore it? Let him have it, or give him your own brand of etiquette lessons? Details of exactly what he did are not necessary.

I once had someone tell me he wanted to marry me but I wasn't ready to be a wife. I won't list ALL his deficiencies as a potential mate but be sure that comment made me turn my head to look at him. After that...it was a wrap. I wasn't judging him on his lack of potential to be a husband as we were just dating...but that comment made me tally him up.