Is sex in the end about....

[virgo_chinwe]

compromise? I was reading a recent post by another LHCF member who is 25 and has not been a real serious relationship as of yet. Several of the questions that were posed to her were in regards to "how soon do you give up the cookie"? and questions of that nature. Another comment was stated that you don't want to give it up too soon but you don't want to make them wait too long either???

So I guess my question is do you find yourself compromising with sex? When is it too soon to have sex? Do you have sex even though you are not ready to see where things will go? Is a good sex a determinant if you even want to entertain a relationship? It's almost virtually impossible to find a man who is not going to want sex after so long. heck, a part of me wants it too, but I can honestly be completely satisfied with making out and fondling until I am ready for that. But it honestly, ends up being a recipe for disaster for me b/c it can never stay within that realm of just first base...because he either gets frustrated with that stage and wants more and I am not ready for that.

I am kinda struggling with the power of sex in my life. I too will be approaching my mid 20's and I still don't think I have found the proper balance between sex as tool of power, satisfaction and love. Honestly, the stress of it all not to mention the many stds out there make sex even more frightening to me.

I have dated here and there and I had my official bf when I was 21...(huge mistake was a platonic friend that was a rebound from a relationship that was just exclusive). And the common thread between all of the men I dated or maintained some relationship is that I didn't want to give it up too fast or at all.

I am definitely not the most spiritual person in the world, but there is still a fear in me that makes me feel guilty for wanting to indulge in that sexual part of me. Sometimes, I envy some of my gfs that can have meaningless sex with men and dump them like a bad habit. (I know I can't do this....i get too emotionally attached...I consider sex to be a meaningful experience...but I definitely have my moments where I want to have sex with abandon). On the other hand, I have friends that are older than me and still virgins. I feel like I am in a cross roads between the two fixtures.

I have talked to some of my male friends about it....and one (my ex) stated ---(we dated for like 3 months...nothing sexual happened..) Unfortunately, most guys are not willing to wait. If there is someone else who is willing to give it up and still provide the potentiality of a relationship---why wait? And just b/c a woman wants to give it up doesn't make her easy...it's just what she wants out of a relationship..and I understand this. Another one of my male friends (much older than me) stated that..I may be giving the impression that by withholding my goods for such long periods of time that is all I have to offer? I didn't really understand that...but ok. I take all this with a grain of salt.

To be honest, I think I am scared to accept myself as a sexual being..more than likely b/c I am scared of getting hurt, or sex ruining the dimension of our relationship...or maybe I find out that is all he was after all along.

 

[Renewed1]

The questions you asked can only be answered by yourself. There isn't really a "recipe" for everyone. I decided to not to have sex anymore (until I'm married) after a few failed attempts in a "loving" relationship.

I'm not bitter by my experiences, but like you, I associate sex and emotion as one. I cannot have one without the other, this was proven in my relationships. Once I stopped feeling anything for my bf's the sex ended or it didn't feel quite right having sex with them anymore.

True, most men aren't willing to wait. You just need the RIGHT guy who is willing to wait if that is your decision. They are out there two of my friends are dating men that are waiting. Men who are willing to wait are usually the ones, who are ready to marry. IMO, some women give their bodies away to men who aren't worth their weight in urine.

Like I said before, no one can tell YOU when is it right for you to have sex or not. But at least make sure the guy is worth giving your body too, at the very least. Make him work (treating you right, respectful, etc) before you lay with him. He will VALUE you in the end.

 

[virgo_chinwe]

Thanks MarriageMaterial! I feel like such a late bloomer when it comes to relationships......

 

[BeautifulFlower]

One of my ex-boyfriends told me about his ex-girlfriend who made him wait 6 months before they did the do. He waited until he got the cookie then he rolled out. He took it KNOWING he was going to leave. She was triflin but still he waited because he wanted his time not to be wasted.

This had me really thinking about the motives of a man. If he gonna leave, he gonna leave. If he gonna stay, he gonna stay. I know a ton of women whose husbands waited until marriage. ALOT!!!

Moral of the story: If you don't want to give it up (until committed relationship or marriage) DONT because if he wants YOU he not going anywhere.

 

[AstroQueen77]

I think it really just boils down to:

Have sex when you want to have sex and don't when you don't want to have sex. Make your choices as best as you can, because the only person that you can control is you. If you want a relationship, seek relationship minded guys. Just be clear about your intentions and do you best to gauge the intentions of the guy.

I don't buy that a guy will always leave you if you "give it up" too early. I've known people that married people they slept with on the first date. Just do you...

 

[LoveisYou]

I do believe we should place value on our bodies, every man you date shouldn't gain access to your body, every man just isn't worthy. I believe sex is an intimate act, I don't just see it as physical as much as people like to boil it down to what two animals do.

 

[virgo_chinwe]

One of my ex-boyfriends told me about his ex-girlfriend who made him wait 6 months before they did the do. He waited until he got the cookie then he rolled out. He took it KNOWING he was going to leave. She was triflin but still he waited because he wanted his time not to be wasted.

This had me really thinkin[B]g about the motives of a man. If he gonna leave, he gonna leave. If he gonna stay, he gonna stay.[/B] I know a ton of women whose husbands waited until marriage. ALOT!!!

Moral of the story: If you don't want to give it up (until committed relationship or marriage) DONT because if he wants YOU he not going anywhere.

Wow...that's crazy and super trifling and makes absolutely no sense. If he knew that from jump street..he wasted his own time. He could have spent that 6 months with other females who don't have that criteria. I agree with the bolded.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Wow...that's crazy and super trifling and makes absolutely no sense. If he knew that from jump street..he wasted his own time. He could have spent that 6 months with other females who don't have that criteria. I agree with the bolded.

It is triflin...for sure. But for a man, its not wasting time. If he don't want to be with you but he get the cookie, time is a worthy sacrifice if they get some.

 

[Renewed1]

I do believe we should place value on our bodies, every man you date shouldn't gain access to your body, every man just isn't worthy. I believe sex is an intimate act, I don't just see it as physical as much as people like to boil it down to what two animals do.

I always wondered about that. I may be old-fashion but I thought sex was a joining of not only the bodies, but on a deeper level (spiritual?) mental, etc you are in a way exposing yourself to another person.

I understand the woman may form an "emotional" (Or other attachment) to the guy. But what attachment do men have when they have sex with a woman?

It may not be "emotional" but I would say more "territorial." Like if they see the woman again they feel a certain type of way if she is flirting with other guys.

I don't know just thoughts......good night!

 

[libertysince05]

I am kinda struggling with the power of sex in my life. I too will be approaching my mid 20's and I still don't think I have found the proper balance between sex as tool of power, satisfaction and love. Honestly, the stress of it all not to mention the many stds out there make sex even more frightening to me.
....
To be honest, I think I am scared to accept myself as a sexual being..more than likely b/c I am scared of getting hurt, or sex ruining the dimension of our relationship...or maybe I find out that is all he was after all along.

Sex will always make you unhappy and unsure if you're using it as a tool for anything.
We as a society really need to desist of the idea that women are the gatekeepers to sex.
All your questions can only be answered by yourself, but a friend likes to say that the men whom you sleep with are only a detail maybe not even a footnote on your life.
Sex (consensual) will only hurt you if you allow it to, it is only as important as you make it out to be. The better informed as to your likes/ dislikes, what you're willing to put up with the less stressful and daunting it will be.
As for stds, keep yourself informed, use protection and get tested regularly.
Sex itself is simple, its only when you try and overthink it or try and add more meaning to it that it becomes a problem.

 

[libertysince05]

Wow...that's crazy and super trifling and makes absolutely no sense. If he knew that from jump street..he wasted his own time. He could have spent that 6 months with other females who don't have that criteria. I agree with the bolded.

nope, he didnt waste his time, he made an investment!
(and waited until maturity )

 

[mischka]

So I guess my question is do you find yourself compromising with sex? When is it too soon to have sex? Do you have sex even though you are not ready to see where things will go? Is a good sex a determinant if you even want to entertain a relationship? It's almost virtually impossible to find a man who is not going to want sex after so long. heck, a part of me wants it too, but I can honestly be completely satisfied with making out and fondling until I am ready for that. But it honestly, ends up being a recipe for disaster for me b/c it can never stay within that realm of just first base...because he either gets frustrated with that stage and wants more and I am not ready for that.

Although I have a more relaxed attitude about sex, I do still recognize that for women, sex is a tool, a source of power, and a source of compromise. I personally do not agree with the idea of wielding sex as a bargaining tool in exchange for a relationship. Like most gray areas in life, my judgment calls in regards to sex are made in the hopes of being ethically consistent. So, since I believe that sex should not be a bargaining chip for a relationship, I do not choose to have or not to have sex in relation to getting something in return for it.

I'm sure there have been instances where I used sex to compromise. There have been times where I got too caught up in some whirlwind adventure to stop and just went ahead and did it. "Caught in the moment" if you will. That is a habit I want to break, not because I am ashamed of having sex or I am afraid of getting attached or anything like that, but because I do not do well with impulsive decisions and I prefer to think things through. Maybe I'd have decided not to, but I didn't really give myself a chance to think about it.

When it comes to sex and relationships, I don't view sex as a determinant or hindrance of a relationship. I have had sex with guys fairly quickly and I have never had a guy run off never to be heard from again. I find that things progress probably more or less as they would had we not had sex, and if at the end of the day we aren't very compatible, we are going to split same as we would have either way. The only difference is the notch on the bedpost. I completely understand why this is collateral damage some women don't want, and agonize over, but it is collateral damage that doesn't particularly bother me, and I am ok with.

As I am getting older, I am not as quick to jump in the sack, just because it isn't as fun as it used to be. This is in contradiction to my relaxed views about sex - I'll have it when I want to - and sometimes can confuse the issue. If you're okay with sex, how come you won't have it with me? So I'm trying to reconcile my views that sex is good and ok to do when you want to do it with the fact that just because we're okay doing it doesn't mean it's a good idea right now.

So, I think we all have CERTAIN issues when it comes to sex. You just have to find a way to make it work for you that you are getting what you need WITHOUT compromising yourself. Seriously, you shouldn't be compromising your wants and desires when it comes to sex. If there is something you need, demand, or require when it comes to a sexual relationship, don't compromise that. And don't let the idea of there being something that you should and shouldn't do influence you because in the end you will only be disappointed.

 

[Syrah]

Sex should never be a bargaining chip. Ever. Other than that, I say do you (or him, rather). I do it when I want to and don't when I don't want to. And I really think its that simple. Time limits and "situational context" on sex makes things confusing.

Granted - I think in married relationships, that dynamic changes a bit (I so often here men complain that the sex changes once you marry her - some for the better, some not).

I also think women on LHCF express far more conservative views about sex and dating than folks exhibit IRL. On LHCF folks have these rigid time limits - IRL things are a lot more fluid. And so much of the opinions are based on what we women think men will think.

Had a conversation with two of my guy friends this weekend and they both individually said the same thing: if he likes you that much, he likes you that much - and that its going to take a lot for you to change that (whether its the first night or 6 months later). If he doesn't like you, no amount of good cookie is going to change that. Sure he'll keep you around for the cookie, but you're just not it. Just, the longer you wait, the more you need to be prepared to have a conversation about it because with some men, they will start to wonder (and will eventually ask).

And if he likes you THAT MUCH, sexing him 3 dates into the situation isn't going to change his opinion of you either...

 

[UrbainChic]

I think it really just boils down to:

Have sex when you want to have sex and don't when you don't want to have sex. Make your choices as best as you can, because the only person that you can control is you. If you want a relationship, seek relationship minded guys. Just be clear about your intentions and do you best to gauge the intentions of the guy.

I don't buy that a guy will always leave you if you "give it up" too early. I've known people that married people they slept with on the first date. Just do you...

I know people who have fallen in love and even gotten married after first date sex too. They really make me rethink my "no such thing as love at first sight" stance.

Sex will always make you unhappy and unsure if you're using it as a tool for anything.

Sex should never be a bargaining chip. Ever. Other than that, I say do you (or him, rather). I do it when I want and don't when I don't to. And I really think its that simple. Time limits and "situational context" on sex makes things confusing.

Usually my rule of thumb is if i even *think* I am going to regret it, I dont do it. You have to find what works FOR YOU.

The liberal priest in my church (now transfered) gave a wonderful homily once about sex, and how its a gift and how we should use it. He basically went on about how to interpret rules about marriage, and how delayed marriage into our 30s is not the same kind of marriage of biblical times at 14-17, and though the church would prefer we wait till marriage, treating sex as something special is better than treating it like nothing at all.

The first time i had sex it all fell into place ( since i was almost 22 at the time i think that helped with the perspective) I realized at once how at the same time that its a big deal and the most wonderful thing in the world it can ALSO be not a big deal at all and you could do it with anyone and why people dont want teens to do it andvwhy its also not the end of the world if teens do it. its like i coulc suddenly see every angle, and when i finally heard my priest talk on it, i realized it is *us* that can make it special. It is an animalistic (very important IMO) bodily function, but something about our capacity to love can elevate it to a truly great experience.

There is no right answer virgo_chinwe you have to do some soul searching and find what is right for you, (including looking at your guilt for feeling pleasure) Everyone gets their feelings hurt, with or without sex, so unfortunately I have no recommendation on how to never get hurt.


Sex is something you experience with someone, and hopefully that experience is a positive one for you. Sex does not MAKE anyone love you, respect you etc. All those things come from within, from your personality and the way you carry yourself. When you use it as a bargaining chip for love respect and commitment, you are pretty much setting yourself up for disappointment. Thats the one thing I know for sure.

btw if I can find any article on my priests blog similar to that homily i will send it to you.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I'm not having sex until I'm married and I'm engaged. I've never had a problem finding men who will wait. I still have to filter jerks like anyone else, though. I think it's also in how you approach it. I don't apologize for my choices. If a guy thinks you're a pushover then he will push. At least that's my thoughts on that. So anyways I've never been pressured because I don't let guys pressure me. A look and a "you knew the deal before we got together." Seems to do it and put them in their place. I also will offer that we should go our separate ways (and mean it) if they aren't willing to respect my decision.

Again I think it varies per person and what you want out of life, and how you view sex... but I think it's important that anyone not compromise and do what they feel is right.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I know people who have fallen in love and even gotten married after first date sex too. They really make me rethink my "no such thing as love at first sight" stance.





Usually my rule of thumb is if i even *think* I am going to regret it, I dont do it. You have to find what works FOR YOU.

The liberal priest in my church (now transfered) gave a wonderful homily once about sex, and how its a gift and how we should use it. He basically went on about how to interpret rules about marriage, and how delayed marriage into our 30s is not the same kind of marriage of biblical times at 14-17, and though the church would prefer we wait till marriage, treating sex as something special is better than treating it like nothing at all.

The first time i had sex it all fell into place ( since i was almost 22 at the time i think that helped with the perspective) I realized at once how at the same time that its a big deal and the most wonderful thing in the world it can ALSO be not a big deal at all and you could do it with anyone and why people dont want teens to do it andvwhy its also not the end of the world if teens do it. its like i coulc suddenly see every angle, and when i finally heard my priest talk on it, i realized it is *us* that can make it special. It is an animalistic (very important IMO) bodily function, but something about our capacity to love can elevate it to a truly great experience.

There is no right answer @virgo_chinwe you have to do some soul searching and find what is right for you, (including looking at your guilt for feeling pleasure) Everyone gets their feelings hurt, with or without sex, so unfortunately I have no recommendation on how to never get hurt.


Sex is something you experience with someone, and hopefully that experience is a positive one for you. Sex does not MAKE anyone love you, respect you etc. All those things come from within, from your personality and the way you carry yourself. When you use it as a bargaining chip for love respect and commitment, you are pretty much setting yourself up for disappointment. Thats the one thing I know for sure.

btw if I can find any article on my priests blog similar to that homily i will send it to you.

I like your priest's mindset. I also like yours. We're basically of the same beliefs that sex can be special if you make it special but of course it doesn't make anyone love or respect you.

 

[Syrah]

I know people who have fallen in love and even gotten married after first date sex too. They really make me rethink my "no such thing as love at first sight" stance.

Usually my rule of thumb is if i even *think* I am going to regret it, I dont do it. You have to find what works FOR YOU.

Generally speaking, I think women decide if they want to sleep with a man in the first five minutes of being in his presence - and rarely does it have a whole lot to do with what he does during the course of those 5 minutes. They love to think it is them - meanwhile, we're half listening all throughout dinner having a mental debate about what comes next...

Maybe I should be thankful for this - but 80% of the men I'm sexually attracted to manage to say and do things that slowly kill any and all desire. Men need to know when to STFU cuz half the time they ruin it...

 

[BeautifulFlower]

The problem is (or maybe I should be thankful for the fact that) 80% of the men I'm sexually attracted to manage to say and do things that slowly kill any and all desire. Men need to know when to STFU cuz half the time they ruin it...

Yes....it be like...

...ok ok he fine....

...yes i can dig it for sure....

...did he just say....

...eh, is he still...my lord?....

...he cant be serious....

erplexed...complete buzz kill....

...O K, I'm done.

 

[Syrah]

Yes....it be like...

...ok ok he fine....

...yes i can dig it for sure....

...did he just say....

...eh, is he still...my lord?....

...he cant be serious....

erplexed...complete buzz kill....

...O K, I'm done.

EXACTLY! Just. Stop. Talking.

And here they think we're playing hard to get...

 

[UrbainChic]

Yes....it be like...

...ok ok he fine....

...yes i can dig it for sure....

...did he just say....

...eh, is he still...my lord?....

...he cant be serious....

erplexed...complete buzz kill....

...O K, I'm done.

That is the truth!