Is Love Enough?

[Ms Red]

This may have been discussed before but I'd like to see what you all think.
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I am not married although I would like to be one day. And lately it has crossed my mind that "love" (the butterflies, the sweet, excited feeling you get) may not be enough to sustain a marriage. I believe as you mature, your needs and wants in a relationship mature as well... and it becomes your responsibility to communicate that to your partner.

My question is... is 'love' enough to sustain a marriage? We have heard the old adage 'love conquers all'... and some may subscribe to that. But a good credit score, a plan in life, being sexually compatible, able to communicate well, emotionally/spiritually in tune, financially responsible.. .all of those characteristics come into play. A man could want to offer you the world but if he doesn't have his LIFE in order... then how could that possibly help in the parameters of marriage?

This also leads into the issue of timing (i.e. when a man is ready to be married and has all of his 'ducks' per se, in a row, he will marry the first woman who may come along who can meet his needs)....

Please weigh in with your own opinion...

 

[*Happily Me*]

In my own opinion...

Love like "the butterflies, the sweet, excited feeling you get" is most definitely not enough. It hasn't been, from my experience. Oh, it's quite pleasant, and feels fresh and new and exciting . But it doesn't last..To me, this is being "in love" with someone

Love lasts when you simply love and respect your partner unconditionally.

Like this, or something close to it.

LOVE WITHOUT CONDITION by Sandy Stevenson

I love you as you are, as you seek to find your own special way to relate to the world. I honor your choices to learn in the way you feel is right for you.

I know it is important that you are the person you want to be and not someone that I or others think you 'should' be. I realize that I cannot know what is best for you, although perhaps sometimes I think I do. I have not been where you have been, viewing life from the angle you have. I do not know what you have chosen to learn, how you have chosen to learn it, with whom or in what time period. I have not walked life looking through your eyes, so how can I know what you need.

I allow you to be in the world without a thought or word of judgment from me about the deeds you undertake. I see no error in the things you say and do. In this place where I am, I see that there are many ways to perceive and experience the different facets of our world. I allow without reservation the choices you make in each moment. I make no judgment of this, for if I would deny your right to your evolution, then I would deny that right for myself and all others.

To those who would choose a way I cannot walk, whilst I may not choose to add my power and my energy to this way, I will never deny you the gift of love that God has bestowed within me, for all creation. As I Love you, so I shall be Loved. As I sow, so shall I reap.

I allow you the universal right of free will to walk your own path, creating steps or to sit awhile if that is what is right for you. I will make no judgment that these steps are large or small, nor light or heavy or that they lead up or down, for this is just my viewpoint. I may see you do nothing and judge it to be unworthy and yet it may be that you bring great healing as you stand blessed by the Light of God. I cannot always see the higher picture of Divine Order.

For it is the inalienable right of all life to choose their own evolution and with great Love I acknowledge your right to determine your future. In humility I bow to the Realization that the way I see as best for me does not have to mean it is also right for you. I know that you are led as I am, following the inner excitement to know your own path.

I know that the many races, religions, customs, nationalities and beliefs within our world, bring us great richness and allow us the benefit and teachings of such diverseness. I know we each learn in our own unique way in order to bring that Love and Wisdom back to the whole. I know that if there were only one way to do something, there would need only be one person.

I will not only Love you if you behave in a way I think you should or believe in those things I believe in. I understand you are truly my brother and my sister, though you may have been born in a different place and believe in another God than I.

The Love I feel is for all of God's world. I know that every living thing is a part of God and I feel a Love deep within for every person, animal, tree and flower, every bird, river and ocean and for all the creatures in all the world.

I live my life in loving service, being the best I can, becoming wiser in the perfection of divine truth, becoming happier in the joy of Unconditional Love.

 

[Ms Red]

Thank you DSylla

I am just... at a loss for words right now because I need to do some soul searching

In my own opinion...

Love like "the butterflies, the sweet, excited feeling you get" is most definitely not enough. It hasn't been, from my experience. Oh, it's quite pleasant, and feels fresh and new and exciting . But it doesn't last..To me, this is being "in love" with someone

Love lasts when you simply love and respect your partner unconditionally.

Like this, or something close to it.

 

[Taliah]

It's all about respect. If you two have mutual respect for one another along with similar backgrounds and common interest I think you can make it.
No. Love ain't enough.

 

[*Happily Me*]

Thank you DSylla

I am just... at a loss for words right now because I need to do some soul searching

pray on it and meditate. and most importantly, be honest with yourself.

you'll find the solution ((hugs))

 

[donna894]

Thank you DSylla

I am just... at a loss for words right now because I need to do some soul searching

Hey D, that was one beautiful essay, food for thought. Here's to real relationships for '08!

 

[FlowerHair]

Love is not enough.
Being compatible and have a similar plan for the future is a must.

However, I wouldn't stay in a relationship without love either even if everything else was perfect...

 

[Keen]

I guess I look at love different than some of you. It is important to differentiate between love and lust. From a Christian perspective, love is the greatest commandment. So if you love someone, you will do all things necessary to make it work. You will respect them, take care of them and be mindful to what is best for them. Yes money matters but if a man loves you, he will set his pride aside and do what he has to do (even working for minimum wages) to take care of his family. You, the woman, will do what it takes to live within your means so your family can survive.

So to me, love is all it takes.

 

[caribeandiva]

Love is not enough.
Being compatible and have a similar plan for the future is a must.

However, I wouldn't stay in a relationship without love either even if everything else was perfect...

EXACTLY! I need ALL aspects to be in order for me to stay.

 

[dlewis]

Love is not enough. I saw this with my parents marraige.

I believe for a happy/content marriage you need Gd, commitment, mutual respect, trust, support, good communication, and love.

 

[kweenameena]

I guess I look at love different than some of you. It is important to differentiate between love and lust. From a Christian perspective, love is the greatest commandment. So if you love someone, you will do all things necessary to make it work. You will respect them, take care of them and be mindful to what is best for them. Yes money matters but if a man loves you, he will set his pride aside and do what he has to do (even working for minimum wages) to take care of his family. You, the woman, will do what it takes to live within your means so your family can survive.

So to me, love is all it takes.

ITA completely!!! I couldn't have worded it better! Love is work! The butterflies and everything else that you mentioned at first is not love (in my opinion)

 

[honeybadgirl]

love is definitely not enough. there are just so many factors that come with being committed to marriage. finances, communication, respect, having similar views on goals and accomplishments. marriage is alot of work and dedication. its like a 2nd or 3rd job in itself!

 

[Farida]

You need love (not infatuation or plain romantic love) - like the bible love and similar values, goals and compatibility.

 

[Ms Red]

Thank you ladies who have responded so far... your opinions on love and what it takes for marriage to work are so varied, but I agree as well.

Two people having the same goals (spiritual, financial, family) is of the utmost importance I think-- even if you have true love, if yall are going in opposite directions regarding finances, spirituality, family, careers... it poses a big problem. Love cannot put food on your table or catapult you to a higher tax bracket but being in a loveless marriage/union does not work either!

As we age, our needs and wants mature. . .

 

[Sui Topi]

ITA completely!!! I couldn't have worded it better! Love is work! The butterflies and everything else that you mentioned at first is not love (in my opinion)

Yes the two of you are right...I mean all that butterflies stuff is just infatuation...if you really love someone, its more real.. you want to do any and everything to make it work. And they have to love you too. When I met my husband, I was all butterfly-ish and told him that I loved him..he asked me why and I really didn't know. He then told me about like a deep, woman of the bible type of love that he wanted from me. I didn't understand then because I was like I'd do anything for you and I dont want anyone else so how can you tell me I dont love you? Now that we've been through so much like, character building and taking care of our son I understand exactly what he meant. I respect him and his feelings, Im conciderate of him and I strive to make him happy

 

[londontresses]

Someone (SO in fact) sent this to me...I think I've posted it here before but....Personally I feel love is important, but I must be happy and share common goals and a future plan with my partner.

FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER
Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A


When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, noone wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it
appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr. /Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love". I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.

Though this may sound "not politically correct", there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result
of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on
love alone". You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION 1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan
to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage:

(1) You can grow together, or
(2) You can grow apart.

50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION 2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of
having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished"; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one.
Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION 3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test?
Here are some suggestions.
Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
Are they serious about improving themselves?
A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right ".So ask your significant other what do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world:
(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth, and
(2) People who are dedicated to seeking comfort.

Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking
down the aisle.

QUESTION 4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following:

How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.

How do they treat their parents and siblings?

Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION 5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse". If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart.
It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; so be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a
great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.


WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:

1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES(meal,shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS ANDINTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10.GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

 

[amara11]

I think something else that is really crucial that hasn't (I dont think) been mentioned is character. Not that it's all you need, or the end all be all, but how we experience love changes, how much money we have changes, we either gain, or lose respect for people as we get to know each other- so that changes too. People's goals in life change, they grow at different rates- so even compatibility changes. But character- good character does not change. To answer your question, no love is just not enough. It's important (obviously)- it get's the foot in the door, but it's not enough. Besides- good character is always there to remind you of why your mate is the right one for you, even when fleeting emotions cast doubt.

 

[Ms Red]

Wonderful post!! I totally agree, especially with the bolded. Wow!

I think something else that is really crucial that hasn't (I dont think) been mentioned is character. Not that it's all you need, or the end all be all, but how we experience love changes, how much money we have changes, we either gain, or lose respect for people as we get to know each other- so that changes too. People's goals in life change, they grow at different rates- so even compatibility changes. But character- good character does not change. To answer your question, no love is just not enough. It's important (obviously)- it get's the foot in the door, but it's not enough. Besides- good character is always there to remind you of why your mate is the right one for you, even when fleeting emotions cast doubt.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

Someone (SO in fact) sent this to me...I think I've posted it here before but....Personally I feel love is important, but I must be happy and share common goals and a future plan with my partner.

FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER
Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A

...
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:

1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES(meal,shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS ANDINTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10.GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

Great post! I totally agree with everything said

 

[sonce]

My question is... is 'love' enough to sustain a marriage? We have heard the old adage 'love conquers all'... and some may subscribe to that.

I think that 'love conquers all' business is nonsense. Go ask my ex who loved me with all his heart and still got dumped. His love didn't conquer all. Ok, that was mean, but seriously. I think of it this way: Most couples who get married here are deeply in love, yet fully half of them do not last. So much for love being enough. To me, if I had to pick one ingredient that is close to being enough, then it is loyalty. Loyalty will prevent you from stepping out, will keep you evolving if only so you can be a more perfect partner to the person you love, and will keep you both fighting even when significant difficulties pop up. A lot of people love, but few are truly loyal. Complete loyalty is the highest virtue to me.

 

[Ms Red]

Very Interesting and well-said

I think that 'love conquers all' business is nonsense. Go ask my ex who loved me with all his heart and still got dumped. His love didn't conquer all. Ok, that was mean, but seriously. I think of it this way: Most couples who get married here are deeply in love, yet fully half of them do not last. So much for love being enough. To me, if I had to pick one ingredient that is close to being enough, then it is loyalty. Loyalty will prevent you from stepping out, will keep you evolving if only so you can be a more perfect partner to the person you love, and will keep you both fighting even when significant difficulties pop up. A lot of people love, but few are truly loyal. Complete loyalty is the highest virtue to me.

 

[Quty_Bug]

I so needed this post right now. I'm going through a situation and Love isn't "all" you need in a relationship. I just pushed back my wedding date because I don't feel like we both view our futures the same. I have a lot of soul searching, praying and thinking to do. I don't want to get married to someone who doesn't feel that the things that are important to me, are important at all.

I understand that you never have to agree with everything someone else feels or thinks, but to be able to work through issues and find a common ground are important. When the other person doesn't feel the same way and has no intention of working with you and refuse to look at things from a different perspective (even if they disagree with it) then that's where you have your problems, and that's where i'm at.

Love should be able to motivate you to work together, but it takes so much more then love to have a happy and fulfilling relationship.

 

[Ms Red]

I agree with your entire post.

And I'm sorry you are going through this but I pray you (and me ) will find the answer we're looking for.

I so needed this post right now. I'm going through a situation and Love isn't "all" you need in a relationship. I just pushed back my wedding date because I don't feel like we both view our futures the same. I have a lot of soul searching, praying and thinking to do. I don't want to get married to someone who doesn't feel that the things that are important to me, are important at all.

I understand that you never have to agree with everything someone else feels or thinks, but to be able to work through issues and find a common ground are important. When the other person doesn't feel the same way and has no intention of working with you and refuse to look at things from a different perspective (even if they disagree with it) then that's where you have your problems, and that's where i'm at.

Love should be able to motivate you to work together, but it takes so much more then love to have a happy and fulfilling relationship.

 

[MrsBurns82]

I guess I look at love different than some of you. It is important to differentiate between love and lust. From a Christian perspective, love is the greatest commandment. So if you love someone, you will do all things necessary to make it work. You will respect them, take care of them and be mindful to what is best for them. Yes money matters but if a man loves you, he will set his pride aside and do what he has to do (even working for minimum wages) to take care of his family. You, the woman, will do what it takes to live within your means so your family can survive.

So to me, love is all it takes.

I agree with Keen, just as they say love can make you do stupid things I think that love can make you do smart things as well. If your man really loves you and one of the conditions to keep your love is to have his life in order then by all means he should jump to it as should we as women. I know a lot of woman who think just because they are a woman they are deservant of a good man and that's not the case.

I hate to cook but my SO loves chicken, mashed potatoes and corn. And I am a chicken, mash and corn cooking fool. And I don't even know where to begin when it comes to my nagging self and how he bends for me.

 

[misskris816]

I think that 'love conquers all' business is nonsense. Go ask my ex who loved me with all his heart and still got dumped. His love didn't conquer all. Ok, that was mean, but seriously. I think of it this way: Most couples who get married here are deeply in love, yet fully half of them do not last. So much for love being enough. To me, if I had to pick one ingredient that is close to being enough, then it is loyalty. Loyalty will prevent you from stepping out, will keep you evolving if only so you can be a more perfect partner to the person you love, and will keep you both fighting even when significant difficulties pop up. A lot of people love, but few are truly loyal. Complete loyalty is the highest virtue to me.

LOL, that was terrible (but funny)

I somewhat agree with your stance on loyalty, but sometimes loyalty is what makes people stay in unhealthy relationships.

 

[sonce]

LOL, that was terrible (but funny)

Yea, I was dead wrong for that one.

I somewhat agree with your stance on loyalty, but sometimes loyalty is what makes people stay in unhealthy relationships.

Staying with another out of low self-esteem, fear of being alone, financial dependence, lack of a discerning spirit and the host of other reasons people stay with useless mates doesn't mean one is loyal. In fact, staying in a bad relationship cannot be due to loyalty, except in the most twisted and distorted sense of the word. Loyalty to oneself (and maybe God, if you are religious) is the first loyalty one develops in life because before there was anyone else, there was you and yourself. Those who prioritize unhealthy relationships over themselves lack loyalty to themselves, and thus I question their ability to be really loyal to another. Notice that when such people get their self-esteem up, get on their feet financially, get a beating that finally makes them wake up and realize death is next, meet someone better, or whatever, they skidaddle with the quickness. It isn't loyalty when being weakminded is what's necessary to maintain it.