Inconsiderate family members?

UGQueen

UGQueen

Active Member
Hi ladies I'm here to vent and maybe get some help from you ladies.
I have had a long standing issue with my mother and I'm just about to loose my mind (actually I lost it a long time ago).
My mom has always been financially irresponsible, growing up I remember us always being in debt, me not getting to experience all the things that my friends had due to our debt etc. Mind u I did have a nice childhood but looking back I know things could've been better.

My father and mom separated when I was three and he died when I was 12.

When I was 13 we moved from Europe to North America to start a better life. And some ten years later we (she) is back at square one. But only this time she has managed to ruin it for me too.

She has asked me to take out cell phones that she hasn't paid and now in turn has put me in collections. She struggles to pay the rent in time and lacks real motivation to get out there and find work. Claiming that there is too much competition etc.

I'm trying my best to save and build my future by licensing myself as a real estate agent but she just keeps bringing me down with her irresponsibility. I tell her to communicate to me if she has issues paying bills but she never does and instead let's it get to collections.

I just don't know what to do anymore I feel like I have lost my mother and I fear that when I leave home her life will have a major downturn.

I am looking to move out but I'm scared to leave home. If I move my whole family will have to move including my 15 yo sister and older brother.

What can I do ? What should I say to her. I feel like no matter what she doesn't listen or even care that much. She says she cares but her actions speak volumes.

As a result of all this ongoing I'm not myself. I'm angry all the time. I cry at everything and I don't feel good about myself anymore. My relationship with my boyfriend suffers because of this as well. I feel like now we get into financial arguments more than ever. (I also have a subconscious fear that if he cant provide for us i will in turn be taking care of him the way I've been taking care of my mother). There is always tension at home and I spend most of my time at work distracting myself or in my room watching tv which is sad IMO.

Anyway jus woke up mid sleep to write this cuz there is no one else to talk to that can give me a decent opinion besides 'why does she treat u like that'. *sigh*

Nite..
 
You are not responsible for your mother, see a credit counselor to see if they can fix your credit. I think someone can help you fix it since your mother basically exploited you. Move out and move on. Help your sublings the best you can but tell your mom you are not her mother and you deserve to live your life and she has to be responsible for herself. I know it's hard because she's basically made you her financial caretaker which is mean and unfair. You deserve to be happy and free.
 
I feel you. My mother took credit cards out in my name and defaulted. I didn't know until these collection agencies started harassing me. That was 15 years ago.

You are not her parent. You are not responsible for her wellbeing in fact it should be the opposite, which is why you are so confused and feeling guilt. She is also very manipulative which is subconsciously why you feel so terrible. Guilt will destroy your life and keep you from moving forward. It's already begin from what I see in your original post.

You know? People like this are always fine anyway. She will seek someone else to attach to and leech from starting the moment you announce you're moving. These toxic people are ALWAYS ok. Somehow they always manage to keep on trucking while we languish in healing from the suffering they caused.

You are too young for this burden. Move out. Start your life. She will be fine. Trust.

You might also want to seek counseling because mothers like this really do a number on their children in ways that are difficult to understand on your own.

Be blessed.
 
There is no answer that is going to feel good to you. You will have to be tough in this situation. As much as you want to help, you are not helping your mom, you are enabling her bad behavior. And no amount of giving is going to fix that.

Since you live there, you need to do whatever you need to do to keep a roof over your head until you move out. Do not help out with anything else. Since your brother is older, he needs to start making plans to take care of himself.

I don't know your family dynamics so this is just a suggestion but do what is right for you . I would call a family meeting with everyone present. I would openly discuss the problem, what needs to happen and what you will and will not do. I would also put everyone on notice that at some point you will be moving and when that comes you will be taking care of your own finances. You need to openly tell them your boundaries and then stick to those.

First you have to get clear on what your boundaries are. No matter how mean you think you are being, trust me you are not. Do it now. It just gets harder as the years go by.
 
Also adding that I feel for you and your grief. It is a natural process to grieve for several things:

The loss of the mother you had
The loss of the illusion of the mother you'd hoped for
The loss of trust you know you might never have with her again.

Major issues and definitely reasons to seek help. I've been there. :bighug:
 
Wow, I don't know what to say OP....but could you afford to take care of your younger brother and sister by yourself and leave you mother alone? I wish you all the luck cause I know that is a hard situation to be in.
 
DarkJoy said:
...
You know? People like this are always fine anyway. She will seek someone else to attach to and leech from starting the moment you announce you're moving. These toxic people are ALWAYS ok. Somehow they always manage to keep on trucking while we languish in healing from the suffering they caused.

You might also want to seek counseling because mothers like this really do a number on their children in ways that are difficult to understand on your own..
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I completely agree I have been suffering and been emotional about the whole situation for months and it seams as though she doesn't care.

It's just weird because I watched her change and I never thought I would see the day.

& counselling is something I'm looking into as we'll.
 
faithVA said:
I don't know your family dynamics so this is just a suggestion but do what is right for you . I would call a family meeting with everyone present. I would openly discuss the problem, what needs to happen and what you will and will not do. I would also put everyone on notice that at some point you will be moving and when that comes you will be taking care of your own finances. You need to openly tell them your boundaries and then stick to those.
Click to expand...

I think this is good because initially I was going to go stay at my bfs for awhile but I just have to voice my concerns to my entire family all at once and just get it over with. I'm talking to my landlord tmrw about moving arrangements and such.
 
tarheelgurl said:
Wow, I don't know what to say OP....but could you afford to take care of your younger brother and sister by yourself and leave you mother alone? I wish you all the luck cause I know that is a hard situation to be in.
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No I can't nor do I want to, to be honest. I just work so hard for everything I have, I'm always working studying or out doing something. I don't want to be responsible for my sister plus she has a bit of an attitude so that wouldn't be good.

I'm going to speak to them tore so ill keep I ladies updated.

Thanks for everyone's input.
 
You deserve a happy married life. You may want to commit to someone one day and it needs to be you and him and what you create or bring to the relationship. I have a friend whose mother has to have $700.00 coats and my girlfriend says $30.00 is too much to pay for a dress for herself. She can not have anything, go anywhere or have a life of her own because of her family. Her sister sent a baby to raise. She has been supporting her family since our first little jobs in high school uhhh 37 years ago:nono:
 
UGQueen said:
thank you! :)
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Goodluck OP, be strong, someone has to break the cycle, otherwise you will get into the same cycle as your mum and so,will you little sister. It seems that your brother seeing as he is still at home has gotten into that cycle already, let him stay and look after her. As long as you are there, like another poster said, you are enabling her and she probably doesn't appreciate all you do and how it is affecting you or your future happiness. Not to be harsh also I imagine you are now probably appearing to any potential husband as someone who has a lot of baggage in terms of having to potentially take care of you and your family, My SO always said this to me and it was painful for me especially as his parents give him money and will leave him a lot in terms of an inheritance so he could not and still doesn't understand why I was financially supporting my family so much, especially when they are all older than me and should have known better.
 
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