Inappropriate gift for pastor?

[Precious_1]

Ladies, there is a woman that goes to my church, she gave the pastor a bottle of cologne for Christmas.. ok ok she is a relative of mine, not me! but anyway she did this and i told her it was wayyyyyyyy to personal and she should not have done this. Also, the pastors wife came up to her after service and hugged her and said thank you for our gift I could have died on the spot. I think she was clearly offended what do you all think about this?
I told her you should have gotten both of them something or gotten him something like a tie, a money clip, cuff link, etc if you were just going to buy him something. Am I overreacting?

 

[crlsweetie912]

Yeah, I think that was inappropriate. I wouldn't give my pastor a gift, cause that's a personal thing and I wouldn't want to overstep my boundaries. I give cards though, of thanks and encouragement.

 

[length4me]

No, you are not overreacting. Cologne is a very personal gift. I think she should have bought something for the both of them. Maybe a gift card. You know, my next door neighbor did something over the top nice for me a few months ago- he removed 5 bushes from my frontyard and disposed of them. He didn't charge me a dime. Well, I wanted to repay him for the kindness he had shown me. So, I bought an edible arrangement for his entire family tp enjoy. This was a good way to say thank you without his wife getting any wrong ideas. And the bible does tell us to abstain from the appearance of evil.

 

[Shimmie]

I agree with all of you. The cologne is way too personal. In the first place a Pastor and his wife are one, therefore any gift given should be just that...one gift that they both can share.

Perhaps a gift certificate to a nice restuarant; a gift certificate to a ministry's book store, such as TD Jakes; Juanita Bynum and her husband, Bishop Thomas Weeks; and many others.

We can never have too many Bible study materials. Even a family Bible with their names imprinted on it would be very nice. AND even a financial blessing addressed to BOTH of them. Just allow the Lord to show you the need or the desire.

 

[PaperClip]

Come on, y'all! Let's call out the real issue here. It really isn't about the cologne. It's really about the pastor's wife not being acknowledged, yes? Hear me out....

I've been around my bishop's family a LONG time. I've seen how the pastor's wife gets ignored. The Bishop's wife (our pastor) is my mentor for life. I've given gifts to both of them that they could use individually. I usually give more stuff to the pastor (Bishop's wife) than the bishop. So in a way, I wouldn't feel weird giving my Bishop some cologne because 1) I would have made sure that I got something for my Bishop's wife as well and 2) if it's something that I knew he could use and 3) if it was part of a group gift with other similar stuff. (For the record, I NEVER have bought cologne for my bishop and I probably won't, esp. as an unmarried female!)

And since we don't know the context in which the gift was given, it's clear that the pastor's wife in this case was making it VERY CLEAR that she was well aware of the gift and at the same time using wisdom as to not totally go off on the parishoner (the OP's relative) in the name of the Lord. (Snicker)....

That's my humble take on it....

 

[victorious]

This reminds me of a video clip from Pastor Zachary Tims's conference a while back on tv:

A pastor's wife complained that a sister from their churched walked up to her and asked "What kind of pie does Pastor like?"

The pastor's wife was annoyed because she didn't ask "What kind of pie do you and pastor like?" The pastor's wife demonstrated how she flourished her hands in front of her body and said "Pie, Pie, Pie. All of this here pie!"​

I fell out laughing everytime I saw that video clip of the conference. (Man, I should have bought that tape. )

---

But anyway, I agree that cologne is too personal. I think Shimmie's suggestions are better.

 

[sprungonhairboards]

Wow I had no idea cologne was so serious.

Mental note: NEVER buy cologne for anyone but my intended, might catch a beat down.

 

[PaperClip]

Wow I had no idea cologne was so serious.

Let's keep it real. It is serious in this context. And let's take out of the pastoral context. What business does ANY FEMALE (other than a DAUGHTER) have giving my (forthcoming) husband some cologne? How close does one get to him to know how he smells and what kind of cologne does he like? Cologne goes on the NAKED BODY of the man/husband lol, something that SHOULD NOT be on the mind of any other FEMALE BUT ME re. my husband!

 

[Lusa]

I agree, that gift was totally inappropriate pastor or not. She would have been better served buying a gift that the whole family could use i.e. a platter, dishes or something. If someone other than family member or really close friend had to give my hubbie cologne, I would send it back with a not so nice note.

 

[sprungonhairboards]

Let's keep it real. It is serious in this context. And let's take out of the pastoral context. What business does ANY FEMALE (other than a DAUGHTER) have giving my (forthcoming) husband some cologne? How close does one get to him to know how he smells and what kind of cologne does he like? Cologne goes on the NAKED BODY of the man/husband lol, something that SHOULD NOT be on the mind of any other FEMALE BUT ME re. my husband!

Like I said, I had no idea it was that serious. Naked bodies and knowing what he smells like and all that never occur to me when I see a bottle of cologne erplexed. My bad. I've given it to my brother, grandfather and guys I've dated. Would I give my pastor cologne? No. Or a tie, or his 99,000th bible. But I dont really give gifts of any kind to general men, married or otherwise. I'll make sure I keep it that way.

 

[pebbles]

LOL @ this thread!

The cologne really is very personal, (think about it: another woman is giving your husband cologne, and she's not a family member... ). It also does not acknowledge the wife, and since the church sees a married couple as one unit, any gift given to a married pastor should really consider the wife as well. And no, we can't say that she would benefit by smelling the cologne on him.

 

[PaperClip]

LOL @ this thread!

The cologne really is very personal, (think about it: another woman is giving your husband cologne, and she's not a family member... ). It also does not acknowledge the wife, and since the church sees a married couple as one unit, any gift given to a married pastor should really consider the wife as well. And no, we can't say that she would benefit by smelling the cologne on him.

Now that would be quite triflin' to say!

 

[Ms.Allyse]

I really didnt think it was that serious. My dad was a pastor and he LOVES colonge. So If one of the ladies in the congregation bought him some for christmas i wouldn't think anything of it and I doubt my mother would either!! I could see if it was a pair of BOXERS or something like that?? BUT cologne??

 

[Radianthealth]

Wow I had no idea cologne was so serious.

Mental note: NEVER buy cologne for anyone but my intended, might catch a beat down.

Ditto

 

[Shimmie]

The thing is this, the gift says 'for you only.' If I were to give a man cologne, that would be my message to him.

Just look at the fragrance commercials and magazine ads...they all say "Come Hither'... your smell drives me wild..... '

So no, I wouldn't give a man (outside of close family or my husband or intended), cologne. It's just too personal of a gift.

Even if man were to give me a bottle of perfume, I'd wonder....Hmmmm, what's up, Homey?

Giving woman fragrance gifts is not a big deal. My girls and I (even my bosses) exchange fragrances and give out gift certificates for Bath and Body Works, big time. But it's no big deal, girls do that.

 

[Ms.Allyse]

OK!! SO if you were giving a man outside of your husband thats in your family colonge it wouldn't also mean "COME HITHER"??? IF that's what cologne/perfume means I need to re-evaluate my girl cousin/aunt buying me this Curve for women!

 

[Xavier]

Wow I had no idea cologne was so serious.

Mental note: NEVER buy cologne for anyone but my intended, might catch a beat down.

My thoughts exactly. I read the thread and thought that everyone would jump on here and say "yeah girl you are overreacting." Guess my initial thought was wrong. But now that I have read the reasoning, it makes a lot of sense.

 

[Shimmie]

OK!! SO if you were giving a man outside of your husband thats in your family colonge it wouldn't also mean "COME HITHER"???

Ms. Allyse..... Behave yourself. You know, that you know, what I meant....

IF that's what cologne/perfume means I need to re-evaluate my girl cousin/aunt buying me this Curve for women!

Re-read what I said about 'The girls'.... Between girls, nothing is thought about it. Girls share fragrances. It's nothing to it.

Enjoy your 'Curve for Women'. Someone gave you a nice gift.

 

[Ms.Allyse]

LOL. I'm just saying. My dad LOVED cologne, so someone getting him some wouldn't EVEN cross our minds as being too personal. UNLESS there have been other passes and other inappropiate acts made.......Plus, my dads church LOVED thier pastor TO DEATH so they always showered him with gifts, it was nothing like that!!

 

[Shimmie]

LOL. I'm just saying. My dad LOVED cologne, so someone getting him some wouldn't EVEN cross our minds as being too personal. UNLESS there have been other passes and other inappropiate acts made.......Plus, my dads church LOVED thier pastor TO DEATH so they always showered him with gifts, it was nothing like that!!

I hear you. I really do.

I guess I've seen too many 'women' who have the Spirit of Potipher's wife....remember all she could say to Joseph was "Lie with me...". Joseph ran and left his coat of many colors that his Papa Jacob made for him (and dropped the bottle of the cologne that she tried to give him...)

Just kidding... but I hear you on your Dad.

 

[StrawberryQueen]

Wow I had no idea cologne was so serious.

Mental note: NEVER buy cologne for anyone but my intended, might catch a beat down.

I didn't either. Oh man, I gotta watch myself. I woulda given it to him w/ no 2nd thought. :crazy:

 

[Precious_1]

Wow, thanks for all the responses ladies, I appreciate both points of view, but i see the majority agreed with the way I felt on the matter. I for some reason feel the need to apoligize for my family member, and tell the pastor's wife she really meant no harm and offer a gift that the both of them could use and enjoy. I mean this was really troubling me. you see our pastor is REALLY handsome and generous. He helped me purchase my 1st home. He sells houses also. So he is close to me, but I know his wife gets a bit insecure with all those women looking at him. and the lady I am speaking of she really meant no harm, but I KNOW she overstepped some boundaries.

 

[Shimmie]

Wow, thanks for all the responses ladies, I appreciate both points of view, but i see the majority agreed with the way I felt on the matter. I for some reason feel the need to apoligize for my family member, and tell the pastor's wife she really meant no harm and offer a gift that the both of them could use and enjoy. I mean this was really troubling me.

you see our pastor is REALLY handsome and generous. He helped me purchase my 1st home. He sells houses also. So is close to me, but I know his wife gets a bit insecure with all those women looking at him. and the lady I am speaking of she really meant no harm, but I KNOW she overstepped some boundaries.

Being a Pastor's wife is not an easy postition to be in. So much is being expected and asked of her...all in 'perfection'. She's not allowed to be a 'woman.'

And yet, she is still a 'woman', his woman and unfortunately it's not always given the respect that it deserves. She's always 'on guard' for even the most innocent of issues and she is not expected to have human 'feelings' when reacting to issues that may occur to be in question.

But yet, she is still a woman and this should always be considered when we respond to any man of God...consider his wife first, then him.

 

[Precious_1]

Being a Pastor's wife is not an easy postition to be in. So much is being expected and asked of her...all in 'perfection'. She's not allowed to be a 'woman.'

And yet, she is still a 'woman', his woman and unfortunately it's not always given the respect that it deserves. She's always 'on guard' for even the most innocent of issues and she is not expected to have human 'feelings' when reacting to issues that may occur to be in question.

But yet, she is still a woman and this should always be considered when we respond to any man of God...consider his wife first, then him.

Shimmie, believe me, she is insecure, you have to know her, she is not friendly to any women in the church that are not married, but she will be your best friend if you are. I did feel bad, about the situation at hand though, and didnt want her to be offended. She is not even that nice to me, and i am no threat.

 

[BabeinChrist]

Shimmie, believe me, she is insecure, you have to know her, she is not friendly to any women in the church that are not married, but she will be your best friend if you are. I did feel bad, about the situation at hand though, and didnt want her to be offended. She is not even that nice to me, and i am no threat.

Whoa, that is a wee bit disturbing to me. I know that we all probably have some insecurities and that no one is perfect, but not friendly? I doubt I would want to attend that church.

 

[Precious_1]

Whoa, that is a wee bit disturbing to me. I know that we all probably have some insecurities and that no one is perfect, but not friendly? I doubt I would want to attend that church.

Yea, alot of people have a problem with her, I dont. They think she comes off as a bit snooty, a bit of a snob, but pastor is a very good man, and i get good word when i go, so she doesnt keep me from going. No way. But not to get off topic, her personality is not what brought me to raise the question about the gift, it was i just felt weird about, and in no way did I want her to feel like my family member disrespected her, no matter how i feel about her, ya know.

 

[locfreeme]

I didn't either. Oh man, I gotta watch myself. I woulda given it to him w/ no 2nd thought. :crazy:

Same here. I never thought of cologne as something so personal. In fact, it seems like a very easy gift purchase. I'm glad I saw these responses so I'll have something to think about in the future.

 

[BabeinChrist]

Yea, alot of people have a problem with her, I dont. They think she comes off as a bit snooty, a bit of a snob, but pastor is a very good man, and i get good word when i go, so she doesnt keep me from going. No way. But not to get off topic, her personality is not what brought me to raise the question about the gift, it was i just felt weird about, and in no way did I want her to feel like my family member disrespected her, no matter how i feel about her, ya know.

Yes, I definitely understand about you not wanting the Pastor's wife to feel disrespected. I think that's the most important matter here and the Lord expects us to act with a spirit of grace in all circumstances. I didn't mean to get OT, I just couldn't help but to comment on her personality since you included that information in your post. As for the gift, I think cologne is a personal gift. I probably wouldn't have given it as a gift to my Pastor but I have a feeling that your Pastor's wife might have taken offense to any gift that was given to the Pastor which was intended for his use or enjoyment only, regardless of whether or not it was personal or impersonal.

 

[EbonyHairedPrincess]

Years ago the church I was attending split because the pastor was "friendly" with the ladies. He started off righteous but things got out of control fast and the women encouraged it with inappropriate gifts and behaviors . My husband was a deacon and it got very interesting with the some of the single ladies in the church. I can only imagine the things the the a pastors wife endures. The worst part of all of this is the fact your cousin is not on the "radar screen" with the pastors wife. I would never advise buying cologne for any man outside of a Signifigant Other. You probably shouldn't buy a gift for a married man period.

When you buy a gift for a person you want to see them enjoying the gift. If I was the pastors wife, I would worry that someone who bought the cologne would be all up on my husband trying to smell him and see if he's wearing it. Then the next comment would be "you smell good".erplexed