I'm devastated and I cant let go

M

mellowdome

Member
I'm a super lurker but I'm having major problems now and I don't know where to go :sad: I orginally posted most of this in the Faith Evans thread in the Ent forum:

My bf just dumped me b/c of a lie his "friend" told him. I know for a fact that this guy hates my bf (i guess ex bf) now and he only acts like he likes him cuz he's phony and a coward. I'm so devastated

We had been having problems all summer. I originally found out what this guy said at the beginning of summer. We fought and I told him the guy was lying. He claimed to believe me at the time. I asked him a few weeks ago if he wanted to break up. He always said no and it was up to me.

Today he tells me he never believed me in the first place and thats why he's been treating me so bad. He's known this guy forever (since they were kids) thats why he believes him. My ex has major issues and although i love him, its probably better that we aren't together b/c he is a piece of work!

He has called me some really horrible things as a result of this. I'm so sad I cant even put it into words. Everytime I think about it my heart starts racing and my hands start to shake. I try to push the thoughts out but they just take over my head. I want to hurt them both (the guy who lied and my ex). I just can't deal with my reputation being tarnished like this and I don't understand what I did to deserve this or why this is happening to me.

I've started seeing a therapist. I just want to feel better! I havent eaten or slept in a week. This is killing me. I remember before when we were having problems I prayed and prayed for God to remove him from my life if he wasnt the one, or show me some sign. Last night I realized that this was probably the sign. I'm still so angry though. I'm now praying that God remove these angry, vengeful, hateful feelings from my heart. But it hurts so bad! I feel like a nutcase. I think I could deal with him wanting to break up, but I can't deal with him thinking i'm some piece of trash. I don't understand how he could just turn on me like this. This is the worst break up I've ever been through. I didnt think I could hurt more than I did after my last ex, but this takes the cake.

Ladies, any words of wisdom or encouragement?
 
You'll be thanking God for being loose of this "peice of work" ... Just from what you posted, the situations sounds very dysfunctional and your ex - immature.

You have to find a way to take care of you, put the focus on you, your healing and moving forward to your good. Pray for that, ask God to show you how to move on. God bless you!
 
It seems like he wasn't worth keeping anyway. I don't know what the lie was but if he really wanted to believe you he would have. And the fact that he treated you badly for some time because of the "lie" instead of manning up and just breaking up with you then says that he doesn't have your best interest in his mind anyway.

Instead of being sad, think about how glad you are to be away from him, his friends and their drama. Think about how peaceful it is going to be NOT having him in your life.

Its hard to let go of something that we are familiar with....even if it is a person and that's what makes breaking up so hard. You have spent all this time with this person and are familiar with him and now all of a sudden things changed. But believe me, change is good.

Good luck....I am sure you will be alright.
 
He may have been looking for an excuse to break up and is just using old lie his friend told him to get the job done. He should have some sense of your character and what you would and would not do.

I think it's an excuse.
 
No advice here.

Just a big hug for you. It must hurt so badly when someone you care about doesn't know you well enough to trust you.

Go get counselling if necessary, and feel better soon.
 
Here is a big hug.

All I can say is in time things will get better but you have to work on you,
don't let this situation break you down. Was this your first serious relationship?
 
I remember my first and only biggest hurt. I couldn't eat or sleep...And I'd cry on my grandmother's shoulder daily...she was the only one who'd listen to me cry and moan repetitively while giving me sound advice. One thing I noticed about your post is that while you probably still love and care for him you are far more concerned with how you are viewed based on this lie....I totally understand that. Shoot, If youre gonna leave, at least have respect for me on your way out.

But at the same time....how do we really know that he believes this? He could have just wanted out for a long time, and is using that. He sounds like a punk. Regardless, let your dignity and self respect speak for itself.
 
So sorry this happened pumpkin pie :( He sounds like someone you should be happy to get away from. Any man running up in behind his friends like that as his age is not ready for a diva like you. Keep it moving boo...feel tha pain and let it go. Prioritized and focus on what's important in your life and future right now. Let him go, he probably don't wanna be kept. Head up....
 
I going to tell you like my grandmama would tell me... "just keep waking up in the morning."

we hurt and we heal. sometimes when we ask God to do something for us, what he gives us is an opportunity to do it for ourselves. You asked for a sign, he gave you one to notice. now you want peace, he gave you a situation that requires you to seek and appreciate peace. In this life some rain MUST fall or how else will things grow? bloom?

Just keep waking up.

Appreciate him as human and fallible. Like you will one day need to be appreciated as human and fallible.

Best to you.
 
Thanks everybody....

this wasnt my first serious relationship and its not the first time i've gotten my heartbroken, but somehow this just feels worse. Probably because the times i've been heartbroken before the blame was not placed on me.

Its not so much that I'm concerned with what others think of me....its what he thought of me. I thought he knew that I was better than that. Sometimes I think that he was just lying to get me to go away....other times I think that he really does believe it. I'm just really confused. I'm also struggling because I still love him despite all this and all the drama. It hurts but I do know that sometimes two people are just not right for each other

Anyway, thank you ladies again for all your support. I'm gonna keep praying and pushing through. I've been through worse so I know that one day it won't hurt as bad.
 
Sorry that happened to you. You can't change his perception of the truth. So don't think what you say will convince him otherwise. He's going to believe what he wants to believe. You know the truth and that's all that matters. Maybe he will see the truth maybe he won't. Maybe he'll see his "friend" for what he is, maybe he won't but that's none of your concern any more. It may seem like the end of the world now but in time you will be ok. Just give yourself time. I suggest not ever contacting him, or at least until you're in a place that the situation has no power over you and you no longer care about it.
 
mellowdome said:
I think I could deal with him wanting to break up, but I can't deal with him thinking i'm some piece of trash.
Click to expand...


I've been through a somewhat similar situation. When I moved away to go to college, my ex, started accusing me of cheating. He didnt break up with me, but it hurt to know that he doubted me. Over time, the accusations continued to grow. I always felt like I needed to somehow prove my fidelity to him. After we eventually broke up, I realized that his doubts about me were a result of his own shady actions. In fact, after I broke up with him and started a new life, he admitted that he knew that I was faithful. So dont trip off of your ex thinking negatively about you. I think that the truth always prevails, if not now, then in the future. His accussations are probably more a result of his own actions.

Take care of yourself because, this too, shall pass.
 
You mentioned that you prayed to God to get this drama out of your life so God answered your prayers and you should be thankful. I know it hurts but you have to consider it a blessing that He got that piece of trash out of your life. That includes your ex-boyfriend's friend. Honey, you don't want that drama. It's bad enough to deal with your SO but his friend, too? NO THANK YOU!!! Believe me, you don't want that kind of stress. You are still young so use this time to get to know yourself. Try not to start dating right away. Spend some time maybe a least a year to get to know yourself and get him out of your system so you can have a clear mind. You be surprised. It can do wonders.

You need a change of pace. Take extra courses, something where you can advanced in your career, or a personal interest class like art,sewing or cooking. Anything new hobbies that will occupy your time an keep your mind off of him. I say change schedules so your ex-SO won't try to ease his way back into your life to cause more drama. If you let him back in your life you are also letting his no-good friend back into it, too. Stick to your guns and keep it moving. You deserve better!
 
There is an old cliche that things happen for a reason, but I really feel it's the one that applies here. If this relationship is breaking up through no fault of your own, then truly, this is God/your Higher self making sure you're dodging a bullet. This guy sounds like a piece of work.

Hope you heal real quickly and that this sad time will soon be a laughing memory. :Rose:
 
Is there any truth to what the guy was saying?
What was the motive behind telling this "information" to your ex?

Personally, if you don't have trust you don't have anything. And if your man doesn't trust you, then the relationship was doomed from jump.

My advice (as weird as it may sound) is not to listen to love songs and to keep yourself doing something.
 
drasgrl said:
Sorry that happened to you. You can't change his perception of the truth. So don't think what you say will convince him otherwise. He's going to believe what he wants to believe. You know the truth and that's all that matters. Maybe he will see the truth maybe he won't. Maybe he'll see his "friend" for what he is, maybe he won't but that's none of your concern any more. It may seem like the end of the world now but in time you will be ok. Just give yourself time. I suggest not ever contacting him, or at least until you're in a place that the situation has no power over you and you no longer care about it.
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for this. I have tried and tried to to tell him that this isnt the truth but he is just bent on not believing me. I think that there is more to it than I actually know but at this point it doesnt matter. He is not speaking to me and ignoring me. I tried to contact him so many times to straighten it out that I'm sure he thinks I'm a psycho. There is no turning back from this. Me and him are done. His last response to me was that I was trash.

Caramela said:
Is there any truth to what the guy was saying?
What was the motive behind telling this "information" to your ex?

QUOTE]

Of course there is no truth to it. I wouldnt be so upset if there was. If I had did what the guy said, I would have to accept that and keep it moving. But the guy lied. Here is what I said in my original post:

My bf just dumped me b/c of a lie his "friend" told him. I know for a fact that this guy hates my bf (i guess ex bf) now and he only acts like he likes him cuz he's phony and a coward. I'm so devastated


I don't know any other motive except for jealousy. I don't know this guy at all (i only met him once) and my ex and him were not good friends so thats another thing that bothers me. I think this guy is just tired of my ex punking him all the time so he hit him where it hurt. My ex is really proud and stubborn and it really hurt his ego. In all honesty though, I think my ex was just using this as an "out"
It doesnt matter though b/c it is over and there is no way we can be saved. I'm moving on.
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Sweetie, I am so sorry this is happening to you. My situation was very different but equally painful. What helped me more than anything were my prayers. I asked God to help me understand his will, and I prayed for peace and mental clarity to see and know what to do next.

He answered my prayers.
 
i will say a prayer for you. i know how much it hurts to break up with someone you love.
please start eating/sleeping/exericse. treat yourself extra special with massage/pedicures/hair salon visits
your not taking care of yourself is not hurting him and not going to get him back, it's only hurting you. love yourself and you will find someone who loves you.
 
mellowdome said:
Thank you so much for this. I have tried and tried to to tell him that this isnt the truth but he is just bent on not believing me. I think that there is more to it than I actually know but at this point it doesnt matter. He is not speaking to me and ignoring me. I tried to contact him so many times to straighten it out that I'm sure he thinks I'm a psycho. There is no turning back from this. Me and him are done. His last response to me was that I was trash.
Click to expand...

It's good that you have accepted that it's over. Begging someone to believe you are a worthy person is degrading. He is not worth it and yes, I know you still love him but you will come to a point where you realize he is the unworthy one and you are better off without him. And if the day comes where he is getting an itch because you are no longer chasing him and he decides to contact you, don't give him the satisfaction.
 
So I have an update.....

First, I feel 200% better. I'm not completely back to my old self but I'm getting there

God was really looking out for me. I ran into the alleged lying friend and confronted him. I asked him what he told my ex and he said exactly what happened....nothing. That was the first time he had seen him in 6 months and my ex asked him what happened. I told him what my ex claimed he said and he denied it. He told me that my ex is really messed up and has problems with drugs. I knew he used in the past but he always told me that he stopped years ago. Well apparently he still was/is using. And apparently he wasn't claiming me b/c his "friend" didnt even know we were dating. I do believe this dude is telling the truth based on some things that happened with me an my ex this summer. Thinking back I probably know each time he used. Either way I don't need that drama in my life!

Thanks ladies for everything. I don't even feel bad about us not being together. I just feel bad I wasted my time on him at all. But we live and we learn. I'm glad things didn't go any further (like marriage or babies) b/c then it would have gotten messy.

Thanks again for all the supportive messages. You guys are great!
 
mellowdome said:
So I have an update.....

First, I feel 200% better. I'm not completely back to my old self but I'm getting there

God was really looking out for me. I ran into the alleged lying friend and confronted him. I asked him what he told my ex and he said exactly what happened....nothing. That was the first time he had seen him in 6 months and my ex asked him what happened. I told him what my ex claimed he said and he denied it. He told me that my ex is really messed up and has problems with drugs. I knew he used in the past but he always told me that he stopped years ago. Well apparently he still was/is using. And apparently he wasn't claiming me b/c his "friend" didnt even know we were dating. I do believe this dude is telling the truth based on some things that happened with me an my ex this summer. Thinking back I probably know each time he used. Either way I don't need that drama in my life!

Thanks ladies for everything. I don't even feel bad about us not being together. I just feel bad I wasted my time on him at all. But we live and we learn. I'm glad things didn't go any further (like marriage or babies) b/c then it would have gotten messy.

Thanks again for all the supportive messages. You guys are great!
Click to expand...
So much growth in this post. You are moving on and that's a blessing.
:bighug:
 
Theres is nothing like that feeling of being betrayed or lied on its so overwhelming. I know I been there, But the truth is he has shown you his true colors this cycle would never end with him. You know who you are and what your about and although it hurts it will pass and you will continue on and eventuallly he will see the lie for what it was. I am so sorry that this is happening to you but thank God its now and not after you've purchase a house or car with him or lord forbid children and he does some mess like this. Just take one day at a time and Thank God every day for being so faithful and you will be fine. Just one day at a time.
 
Sorry your going through this. What it seems like u need to do is dispose of the need for his validation of you and you'll be on a better road to getting over him. U can get so caught up in 'the lie' that u can lose sight of the bigger picture. If he's going to even pretend to believe a lie from his boy and call himself punishing u without giving you the benefit of the doubt, no one wants a person like that..He's a repelling person period, and your letting him win in his quest to make you feel miserable..that's what it is you know..calling you names, sticking around just to treat you bad. He's scum of the earth and his loss. Forget about the 'unfairness' or injustice of it all and trying to win a losing battle, just throw it all in the trash and look towards the future. My personal feeling is he's playing an immature game and the best thing you can do is unplug yourself from his controller..abrubtly end all communication with this person, act as if he never existed. If you bump into him smile like you have a secret and be in a rush always. Moving on and not giving him another chance to breath in your vicinity is the best and only way to get the justice your seeking. U deserve better. Good luck.
 
Hugs to you OP and I would suggest prayer and a lot of time with people you know really care about you. This guy sounds like someone you dont need in your life-to break up with you over what some other guy said? to say mean, spiteful things to you, and it sounds like he's been harboring ill will for a while to boot! You dont need someone like that in your life. Let it hurt now before he's hurt you in many more ways, and ignore any future forms of contact from him. I wish you the best!
 
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