i think it's over

S

southerncharm

New Member
after 28yrs of knowing each other, this past february the 26th(no celebrating), was 20yrs of marriage, what's a 48yr old girl to do at this day & age. :sad:

it's been coming on for yrs, i just couldn't be the #1 person in his life, it always has be someone else or something else , now it's the church it's always about the brothers so he claims, but when it gets to the point where i'm being threatened & being cussed out like i'm a sailor, it was time.

for now i'm ok i'm not that upset at all i guess like i said we both kinda knew it would happen sooner or later. but for 2 old heads 48 & 51yr olds it's really pitiful.

but i do know one thing i just gotta find a way to keep goin', so those of you that can & will, say a few prayers for me please.
 
I have no words of advice. I just want to say that I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I will pray for you and your family.
 
I'm sorry to hear this! I hope that you are doing ok and able to manage through this. For how long did you sense this wasn't going to last?

Sending prayers your way...
 
I'm really sorry you are going through this. I am assuming that, after 28 years together, you guys have exhausted all other options of making it work? Since being married, whenever I hear of people breaking up I always feel a bit sad.

However, this could be the beginning of a positive new journey. An exciting new chapter. I remember meeting this old lady who was in her 80's and she told me that her biggest regret in life was the fact that she stayed with her husband. He never put her first and his bad attitude led to her being alienated from her family. She was so sad. Your thread reminded me of her. You have the courage she lacked. I wish you all the best on your new journey and applaud you for not settling for less than you know you deserve.
 
To add to all the support, you. Are. Not. Old!!!!

A few questions: what do you mean he put others first? He didn't give you the attention, affection etc? If so, wasn't there a thread where some women had gone through that? If you could find that thread maybe you can talk to the ladies there. Do you still love each other? Have you tried couple counseling? Any children involved? Did you two talk about separation or divorce OR is this you saying you want out and he has no idea?

Stay strong, gather your support system and keep on steppin'!!!!!
 
Up until you got to the cursing out part, I had hope. But for a grown man to curse out and threaten his wife of 20 years I cannot imagine how upsetting, humiliating, and heartbreaking that would be. You are not much older than me girl, you are not old! Keep your head up, look to a brighter future. This is the beginning of a new, happier life for you.
 
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God Bless you and He know you tried. God has bigger things awaiting for you and ur hubby. Life is too short to be miserable in it.
 
I'm really sorry that this has happened. I said a prayer that you find blessings in this new point in your life so that there is no time for sadness.
 
southerncharm This may sound crazy but thank him...and mean it. He's done you a great favor...you are still a young women and now can find the happiness you deserve.

Oh and what's a 48 year old girl to do...chile ask me...I am living my life and loving every minute of it. I wouldn't trade my 48 years of experience and skills for nothing!

Brightest Blessings!
 
((((((((HUGS))))))))​


Yes I am praying for you. At 48, you still have a lot of years and time to live and be happy where ever you need or want to be. Dont let ANYBODY tell you ANY different.
 
My Aunt has been through two abusive marriages and has 4 grown up children. She is 54 years old and got engaged last week to a very loving man. She gives us all hope.
 
OP, I'm sorry you're going through this rough time, but glad that you realize it was time.

48? You're a spring chicken boo!!! Don't sell yourself short!

It's all about perspective, and he's doing you a favor.

Only good things to you from here on out. ((HUG))
 
thanks ladies for all of your prayers & support, i'm still doing ok we had a short conversation on tuesday & he realized that i'd had enough but he still couldn't see where i was coming from with all of the drama & stress he'd put me through.
i told him i wasn't gonna fell bad, guilty or upset because i knew in my heart i was good to him & that i knew i had did my part as a wife, he'd always have a hot meal on the table when he got home from work, clothes washed, bills paid, clean house, yard mowed(acres not a small yard), he didn't have anything to worry about when he made it home, all he had to do was eat, have his bath & go to bed.

but i kinda blame myself, cause some times you can be too good to a person, my fault was i guess i always put him first( but he never did that), i kinda lost myself & he took advantage if my kindness. also my big mistake was i tried to base my marriage on the way i seen my mama treat my daddy she treated him the same way, she'd even fix his plate & bring it to him(now i didn't go that far), i told him i guess men these days are totally different than they were back in the day, my dad appreciated my mom & what she did but i guess SOME men these days DON'T.

i told him i didn't want anything but my old 17yr old ford explorer & my 2 babies(my dogs, no kids thank god), he could have the house, cars.

then he came in wednesday evening before he went to work stood there & looked at me i thought he had lost his mind & he apologized & asked me to forgive him for the 20 yrs of hell he'd put me through & he admitted that ALL the problems in the marriage was his fault, believe me there's a long list of things that i won't mention, 1- the list would be too long & 2- some are too embrassing(because i feel stupid for putting up with them).

he said he didn't blame me for wanting to divorce & he wasn't gonna stop me, but he had set up an appointment(for himself) on monday to go see a marriage counselor, i don't know why (i'm not going), but i feel that i do need to seek counseling(not marriage) for myself to find out why i let a man treat me the way he did for so long.

so that's the up date for now, but again ladies thanks for the support & prayers.
 
Just wanted to give you a :bighug: and wish you the best.

You sound like a very strong woman and I'm sure you'll come out of this just fine. :yep:
 
"sometimes, in hindsight, it may seem that your prior kindnesses were for naught, and that in the end, they were too high a price to pay for the pains you've endured.

That is, of course, until you get a little further into the future, when the pendulum has been allowed its full swing, and all the seeds you've sown have begun blooming in more gardens than you ever knew existed."

I got this in an email this morning and I thought of you and this thread. I'll be praying for you in your pain. Please don't feel bad or that something is wrong because you gave your best and you were kind. You followed the golden rule and treated him the way you would want to be treated. It also sounds like you are a master of forgiveness. Nothing bad can be in store for you because of that. Also Galatians 6:9 applies here
 
Thanks for the update.

As far as this statement, "i told him i didn't want anything but my old 17yr old ford explorer & my 2 babies(my dogs, no kids thank god), he could have the house, cars." May I respectfully suggest you start putting yourself first now. After 20 years everything should be split down the middle, everything, and if you don't work, or he makes a lot more than you, you should get alimony as well. He was allowed to prosper because you were his wife. Get what's yours, leave nothing on the table.

I wish you all the best. If you do get back together, you must start making yourself a priority. And get therapy for yourself (as you mentioned) so that you can heal and be happier, with or without him.
 
hopeful said:
Thanks for the update.

As far as this statement, "i told him i didn't want anything but my old 17yr old ford explorer & my 2 babies(my dogs, no kids thank god), he could have the house, cars." May I respectfully suggest you start putting yourself first now. After 20 years everything should be split down the middle, everything, and if you don't work, or he makes a lot more than you, you should get alimony as well. He was allowed to prosper because you were his wife. Get what's yours, leave nothing on the table.

I wish you all the best. If you do get back together, you must start making yourself a priority. And get therapy for yourself (as you mentioned) so that you can heal and be happier, with or without him.
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I agree with all of this. Get yours boo! You worked hard for it.

I'm sending positive energy, prayers, hugs, and clarity your way.
 
should i go ?, my soon to be ex went to see a counselor(he went for marriage but she does regular counseling also) monday of last week, so she told him to ask me if would i come in with him for his next (she wants to talk to me alone) appointment this friday on the 30th, i ask him why she wanted to see me, because he knew i have no intrest in saving the marriage, he claims it's to determine what kind of counseling he needs, marriage or individual (BELIEVE ME HE DOES NEED HELP).

the point is i don't trust him as far as i can throw him, so i was kinda curious about what they talked about, i didn't ask but he started telling me, he said he did tell her some things but he didn't tell her everything, so i'm wondering is that why she really wanted me to come in, cause she knew he would lie & she wanted to hear both sides of the story.

should it really matter to me what he did or didn't tell her?, (cause i'm halfway packed, boxes sitting in the hall & garage, i'm having a hard time finding a place that's pet friendly), or will i feel guilty when he moves on & he ends up physically harming a female, is that my concern, he's never laid hands on me but like i've said he has threatened me, what i didn't mention was that's what he's seen growing up his dad beating his mom(but that's no excuse what so ever for him to act like that).

but like i said to him you, "can't help yourself if your gonna go in there telling lies, what's the purpose in you going & wasting your company's money".

so should i go in & talk to her? like i said maybe it'll some how save someone's life in the long run, or should i let the other female worry about him on her own & i just say he's her problem now not mine.
 
I would not go. Not yet. He goes to one appointment and straightaway has to drag you into it. Why can't he go alone weekly for at least a month or two? You deserve to spend time figuring out what you want to do without getting wrapped up in his therapy. Also, you need to make sure you are safe. You have no control over what will happen between him and another woman in the future. I think you should find your own therapist and work on your own issues first, then consider meeting with his counselor.
 
I have you in my prayers. GOD has great things in store for you. This is a new beginning and hopefully a much better one. I went thru something like that I thought it was all said and done at 40 something thinking I was too old. IF YOU ONLY KNEW how many 40 something year olds are in the same boat with you it would blow your mind. Don't let your age be of a great concern for you. I would have to tell you the rest of my story via PM. But I will say this I'm happier now than I've ever been never laughed so much in my life with a man. I wished I would've met him 20 years ago.

Be encouraged here is a song that God used to heal me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lozX16c9iBk
 
thanks ladies for your advice & support, this is so embarassing that i have to go to strangers for advice cause i don't have no one else to go to,

i guess you can say i've been suffering in silence & i feel too embarassed to let others know what's going on in my life, plus i was stupid enough to shut every one out of my life for him therefore i have no one else, i promise ya'll i'll stop bugging you guys.
 
Please don't feel that you are bugging us. You are not. Also, you never know, maybe sharing your experience has helped someone on this board. Helped them to reflect. Please try and release the embarrassment. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. It is not your shame, release it. Set it free.

is
southerncharm said:
thanks ladies for your advice & support, this is so embarassing that i have to go to strangers for advice cause i don't have no one else to go to,

i guess you can say i've been suffering in silence & i feel too embarassed to let others know what's going on in my life, plus i was stupid enough to shut every one out of my life for him therefore i have no one else, i promise ya'll i'll stop bugging you guys.
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((((HUGS)))

I have only been married 5 years, together 12. But I CAN say that as a child of divorce you will be fine. Even you can feel it. I look at my brave mother in AWE! She left my dad not really knowing what to do so her instincts kicked in: US...her 3 kids, and she made it through. She is 56, has a man that's 49, and is living life with this sweet Italian (our step-dad) who we love to pieces. While we have reconciled and made peace with our real dad (he even walked me down the aisle at my wedding), we are just happy my MOM is happy! GO.GET. YOUR HAPPY!
 
southerncharm said:
should i go ?, my soon to be ex went to see a counselor(he went for marriage but she does regular counseling also) monday of last week, so she told him to ask me if would i come in with him for his next (she wants to talk to me alone) appointment this friday on the 30th, i ask him why she wanted to see me, because he knew i have no intrest in saving the marriage, he claims it's to determine what kind of counseling he needs, marriage or individual (BELIEVE ME HE DOES NEED HELP).

the point is i don't trust him as far as i can throw him, so i was kinda curious about what they talked about, i didn't ask but he started telling me, he said he did tell her some things but he didn't tell her everything, so i'm wondering is that why she really wanted me to come in, cause she knew he would lie & she wanted to hear both sides of the story.

should it really matter to me what he did or didn't tell her?, (cause i'm halfway packed, boxes sitting in the hall & garage, i'm having a hard time finding a place that's pet friendly), or will i feel guilty when he moves on & he ends up physically harming a female, is that my concern, he's never laid hands on me but like i've said he has threatened me, what i didn't mention was that's what he's seen growing up his dad beating his mom(but that's no excuse what so ever for him to act like that).

but like i said to him you, "can't help yourself if your gonna go in there telling lies, what's the purpose in you going & wasting your company's money".

so should i go in & talk to her? like i said maybe it'll some how save someone's life in the long run, or should i let the other female worry about him on her own & i just say he's her problem now not mine.
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In the book, "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft, there is a chapter that addresses whether or not the person is serious about making changes.

When I was in a similar situation, God lead me to this book and I realized that my ex-husband's attempts to reconcile were self serving.

Blessings and peace to you, whatever road you choose.
 
i know i might be late to the party, but if you are done, don't go to counseling with him. whatever issues he has, he needs to work them out by himself. you are being very strong. don't worry about your age. you are still young.

my mother divorced my father after 31 years of marriage. she really didn't want anything either. she bought him out of the house, got him a place to live. she gave him whatever he needed/wanted to get him out of her life. she is now with a good man who loves her to pieces. my dad has moved on as well and remarried. they are both in a much better place mentally. you don't have to fight over things if out is what you really want. i would get his pension though. you deserve that. i am divorced as well. so i know what you are going through in that area. HUGS!
 
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