i need help and advice, or maybe just support

[FineChyna]

to make a long story short i am catching alot of flack from people about wearing my hair pulled back in a ponytail or bun. alot of people (men and women) tell me that i should be ashamed of myself because i never have my hair "done"

my whole thing is a) i am very busy. i had to work full time and go to school full time. i never had a day off and when i did i definately wasn't spending it in a hair salon.

b)since i am natural there isn't many options in terms of hair stylist i can go to. not many stylist here know how to do natural hair. the most they wanna do is flat iron it or braid it. to me that isn't that many options. i could always go to NYC but since i am still working and finishing up my last 3 credits for graduation i really don't have time. some days i have to work 13 hours.

furthermore i have to take into account that its summer and it has been VERY VERY humid here. so even if i did get my hair done in something other than "braids" i would end up sweating it out. my job is like factory setting and there is no air conditioner in there (just my luck) so yeah you go in looking decent and come out looking like buckwheat

and lastly i have a strange shape face so if i wear my hair down i have to have it pulled away from my face. hair around my face makes me look like i have a wife, flat face

but to be honest i am just offended that people act like i am less than a woman because i choose to wear my hair in a way that is convient and affective for me. actually i am kinda sad that my friend basically dissed me over my hair. i'm at the point where i just feel like people are judging me for something so trivial

 

[Wolftrap]

Well what do you buns look like? I see you have type 2C/3 hair. Have you ever tried to do a wash and go? Or have you done braidouts or twist outs? These are other options other than a bun and are low maintenance. The time it takes you to do a bun every morning you could do a wash and go. Sometimes people just talk to talk. Do you think your hair looks bad in a bun? You can also spruce buns up by adding hair sticks and other things. Is your bun neat? And are you sure it is not just in your mind that you HAVE to put the bun in a certain place cause your face looks fat and wide? Sometimes we can be our worse critics.

 

[Teshila]

Ultimately you have to do what is good for you. You cant worry about everything that people will have to say, because trust me it will always be something. You just have to do what makes you comfortable and what fits into your schedule. As long as your hair is healthy and is not a problem for you, then just tune people out. Anyone who is close to you and cares for you should know what your schedule is like and should sympathize with the fact that you dont have time to be stressing over your hair. You never know what people's issues are (jealousy, ignorance, etc), and from the sounds of it you really dont have time to play therapist for people's issues. I wish you continued healthy hair and abundance of growth. Also, kudos to you for being so responsible and handling your business well. Being a working student is no joke!

ETA: There are many alternate options for hairstyles only if YOU feel that you need a change. There are braidouts, braids, twistouts, and fashionable buns that could change up your look if that is what you are looking for.

 

[Neroli]

Errr, as woman who cherishes my right to self-expression, I would laugh (LAUGH! I tell you) at anyone who would DARE even challenge me on something as personal as how I wear my hair. Period. My MAN only goes so far, and I indulge him because I choose to and I want to please him. But YOU have to set the boundaries on this one. No friend of my would go there twice. Just keep cool and tell them it's working for you and forget about it. I wouldn't even break a sweat after I said that. Period. If it's a female, maybe she's jealous, definately forget about HER. If it's your man, then you MAY need to compromise. Beyond that, this is YOUR call.

 

[NaturalRox]

Hi FineChyna, here's a virtual hug for you! I'm short on time at the moment but I will PM you with a few suggestions. I just wanted to say don't let other people bring you down about your hair. Let them worry about what's on their head instead of yours. People often give off negative energy because they are insecure themselves - also, your "true" friends wouldn't diss you because of your hair. You are a strong, beautiful woman and you have to do what is best for you. Keep your head up!

I will PM you a little later.

 

[FineChyna]

wolftrap
my bun looks neat to me and no its not in my mind that i need to wear my hair pulled back. thats just the way my face is. hell even my mom and grandma told me when i wear my hair in my face it looks wide and flat

unless they are lying

i never did a braid out because i always run into some type of snag doing the style. there is always some piece of hair sticking up or something. it just doesn't look as neat as some other braid outs that i have seen so i must be doing something wrong. since i couldn't figure it out i stopped doing it.

as for a wash and go i am not sure i know what that is exactly....

 

[FineChyna]

[ QUOTE ]
Neroli said:
Errr, as woman who cherishes my right to self-expression, I would laugh (LAUGH! I tell you) at anyone who would DARE even challenge me on something as personal as how I wear my hair. Period. My MAN only goes so far, and I indulge him because I choose to and I want to please him. But YOU have to set the boundaries on this one. No friend of my would go there twice. Just keep cool and tell them it's working for you and forget about it. I wouldn't even break a sweat after I said that. Period. If it's a female, maybe she's jealous, definately forget about HER. If it's your man, then you MAY need to compromise. Beyond that, this is YOUR call.

[/ QUOTE ]

no this isn't my man. its a guy friend that is doing the most complaining. i got mad one time and told him that you complain about this now but when i am crying to that i can't pay my rent but have a fly weave then you gonna call me names and diss me again. to be honest i am just sick of it in general. he has no idea how hard i work or how busy i am. or can't seem to comprehend it. time is something that i don't have alot of. i can't even remember the last time i had a good nights rest or a vacation

if all i had to do was work 8 hrs and then go home yeah i would have time for the salon but i don't.

this person even went as far to say. "i always get invited to things and know you'd like to go but since you never get your hair done i don't ask you" WTH? if i had plans to go to a function then DUUUHHHHH i would hit the salon. i swear he can be such a jerk sometimes

 

[FineChyna]

[ QUOTE ]
NaturalRox said:
Hi FineChyna, here's a virtual hug for you! I'm short on time at the moment but I will PM you with a few suggestions. I just wanted to say don't let other people bring you down about your hair. Let them worry about what's on their head instead of yours. People often give off negative energy because they are insecure themselves - also, your "true" friends wouldn't diss you because of your hair. You are a strong, beautiful woman and you have to do what is best for you. Keep your head up!

I will PM you a little later.

[/ QUOTE ]

ok thanks

i appreciate it

 

[Wolftrap]

A wash and go is just that you wash your hair and leave it be. It should be wavy or curly if you have type 2 or 3 hair. Its just leaving the hair natural. I have type 4 hair and was still able to acheive this with mousse. Its just leaving your hair curly. You just have to wash your hair and kind of scrunch it and the curls should be there. Also some use Freida dream curls to help with defining the curls.

 

[FineChyna]

[ QUOTE ]
Wolftrap said:
A wash and go is just that you wash your hair and leave it be. It should be wavy or curly if you have type 2 or 3 hair. Its just leaving the hair natural. I have type 4 hair and was still able to acheive this with mousse. Its just leaving your hair curly. You just have to wash your hair and kind of scrunch it and the curls should be there. Also some use Freida dream curls to help with defining the curls.

[/ QUOTE ]

ok now i know what your saying.....hmmm i have done that before and yeah my hair is curly but the shrinkage is awful and i personally don't like the way the style looks.

 

[Neroli]

[ QUOTE ]
FineChyna said:
[ QUOTE ]
Neroli said:
Errr, as woman who cherishes my right to self-expression, I would laugh (LAUGH! I tell you) at anyone who would DARE even challenge me on something as personal as how I wear my hair. Period. My MAN only goes so far, and I indulge him because I choose to and I want to please him. But YOU have to set the boundaries on this one. No friend of my would go there twice. Just keep cool and tell them it's working for you and forget about it. I wouldn't even break a sweat after I said that. Period. If it's a female, maybe she's jealous, definately forget about HER. If it's your man, then you MAY need to compromise. Beyond that, this is YOUR call.

[/ QUOTE ]

no this isn't my man. its a guy friend that is doing the most complaining. i got mad one time and told him that you complain about this now but when i am crying to that i can't pay my rent but have a fly weave then you gonna call me names and diss me again. to be honest i am just sick of it in general. he has no idea how hard i work or how busy i am. or can't seem to comprehend it. time is something that i don't have alot of. i can't even remember the last time i had a good nights rest or a vacation

if all i had to do was work 8 hrs and then go home yeah i would have time for the salon but i don't.

this person even went as far to say. "i always get invited to things and know you'd like to go but since you never get your hair done i don't ask you" WTH? if i had plans to go to a function then DUUUHHHHH i would hit the salon. i swear he can be such a jerk sometimes

[/ QUOTE ]

Listen honey, dump this so-called friend. Period. Sounds like someone who is insensitive and rude, and you don't want to hook up with people like that 'cause THEY don't have a clue on how to be "friends" -- whether they be male or female . . . dump him and DON'T explain yourself 'cause he can't comprehend.

 

[Kha]

I used to get those same little comments regarding my choice of hairstyling. You have to do what if convenient for YOU. I wouldn't even think about something so trivial...something so small. You said you are working full-time and going to school full-time. That in itself can be very exhausting. I've been there, so I know. If you want to wear your hair that way everyday for 10 years straight, it is nobody's business. As long as you're content with it, don't even worry about what others have to say.

 

[ubavka123]

I agree. Maybe I am missing something but it seems like the removal of this negative force in your life--the friend--will solve your problems. He doesn't seem like much of a friend anyway. No real friend would be ashamed to take you somewhere because of how your hair looked. That is just petty and immature, period. We all represent ourselves and if we are embarrassed by our company, we had better re-evaluate what we are feeling about ourselves inside. This guy sounds a little weak and insecure and you don't need the anguish that he is causing you over hair. You have enough on your plate already. I am sure that you look fine. A bun is a perfectly elegant, simple style. Doing nothing would be crawling out of bed and walking out of the house.

 

[renee_n_3000]

Ditto to everything Ubavka123 said. The problem isn't your hair.

 

[sengschick]

[ QUOTE ]
ubavka123 said:
I agree. Maybe I am missing something but it seems like the removal of this negative force in your life--the friend--will solve your problems. He doesn't seem like much of a friend anyway. No real friend would be ashamed to take you somewhere because of how your hair looked. That is just petty and immature, period. We all represent ourselves and if we are embarrassed by our company, we had better re-evaluate what we are feeling about ourselves inside. This guy sounds a little weak and insecure and you don't need the anguish that he is causing you over hair. You have enough on your plate already. I am sure that you look fine. A bun is a perfectly elegant, simple style. Doing nothing would be crawling out of bed and walking out of the house.

[/ QUOTE ]

ITA w/Ubavka and Neroli. I would make no efforts to change a thing. You don't owe anyone an explanation, nor do you have to justify your actions. As long as you are taking care of your hair and keeping it healthy, who cares about the style?! I haven't had a true 'style' in years and yeah, my up-do looks crazy some days, it's oversized and I already have a big head,

! But you know what? I know when I get ready to rollerset or have a blow-out my hair is straight is bangin'! So recognize hate when you see it & know that people speak on their inner demons which have nothing to do w/you.

It's obvious that your priorities are in the right order and that's all that truly matters. And who is this dude to think you want an invitation from someone who thinks you aren't worthy enough to invite out?! He sounds like a real a$$ and his 'friendship' wouldn't be much of a loss. Let him return to his world full of incredibly base and superficial people like him. You are not on his level (thank God for that!).

 

[Wolftrap]

I just want to add. I notice this in a lot of threads that some of you guys are quick to say "get rid of a friend" or "they are just hating". I personally think this may be in a small amount of cases but not the majority of the time. Just cause a friend tells you something about your hair or your appearance this does not mean to get rid of them. I give my friends criticism and I very much want them to critique me too. There is a way to say something in a nice way but I say I would not be your "true" friend if I let you walk out the house with your hair, clothes or otherwise anything else looking a hot mess. I would be still rocking a jheri curl if it wasn't for my friends.

That is what they are there for and if I had a friend that constantly looked a mess I wouldn't want to go anywhere with them either. But I feel like it would never get to that point because I would offer them advice on different ways to do their hair or dress or whatever was not right. This to me is a TRUE friend. So I say don't be so quick to dismiss what people are telling you as hate. If enough people say it then you have to think it may be true. (you know the saying if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...) And everyone can always use a makeover or update our looks or styles. There is nothing wrong with it and your friends and family are the perfect ones to tell you. Her friend may have not taken the right approach in telling her but the fact that he told her does not make him a bad friend it just means he may not know how to express himself or be tactful. But for all you guys to tell her "don't change your look unless you want to" Shoot she may be the one in the club or in the street that you see and we laugh at and say "dag that girl must not have any friends". You know you guys have seen people like this and commented. Come on you can admit it!

 

[Neroli]

[ QUOTE ]
Wolftrap said:
I just want to add. I notice this in a lot of threads that some of you guys are quick to say "get rid of a friend" or "they are just hating". I personally think this may be in a small amount of cases but not the majority of the time. Just cause a friend tells you something about your hair or your appearance this does not mean to get rid of them. I give my friends criticism and I very much want them to critique me too. There is a way to say something in a nice way but I say I would not be your "true" friend if I let you walk out the house with your hair, clothes or otherwise anything else looking a hot mess. I would be still rocking a jheri curl if it wasn't for my friends.

That is what they are there for and if I had a friend that constantly looked a mess I wouldn't want to go anywhere with them either. But I feel like it would never get to that point because I would offer them advice on different ways to do their hair or dress or whatever was not right. This to me is a TRUE friend. So I say don't be so quick to dismiss what people are telling you as hate. If enough people say it then you have to think it may be true. (you know the saying if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...) And everyone can always use a makeover or update our looks or styles. There is nothing wrong with it and your friends and family are the perfect ones to tell you. Her friend may have not taken the right approach in telling her but the fact that he told her does not make him a bad friend it just means he may not know how to express himself or be tactful. But for all you guys to tell her "don't change your look unless you want to" Shoot she may be the one in the club or in the street that you see and we laugh at and say "dag that girl must not have any friends". You know you guys have seen people like this and commented. Come on you can admit it!

[/ QUOTE ]

There's definately a thing called "constructive critisim" that I freely give and receive. No question, it's a necessary part of the lives of us imperfect human beings. I gave my OPINION based on the limited information provided in the thread -- she sounds really harrassed by this fella AND says he's the ONLY one going there. In the end, people are gonna make their own decisions. I certainly, would NOT dump a friend based on the advice on this board, but rather on the actual circumstances as I am living it. It's my SUGGESTION and can be taken or disregarded. No sweat.

 

[KinksnCurlz]

i would tell them to
KISS MY @SS!

if they don't like it, that's their business. If you are happy with ur style, then keep on keeping on

 

[sengschick]

@WT: I too think 'hate' is too often attributed, but when the title friend is used it indicates a certain understanding. My friends and I understand that we operate from a place of mutual respect. We don't tear each other down, speak negatively or pass judgement on each other. Based on the tone on the poster, it didn't sounds as if these criticisms weren't offered in spirit of true friendship. When you offer advice to a friend they shouldn't leave the situation feeling like they need the encouragement of others as she indicated. No, I don't want my friends to allow me to walk around looking crazy, but I also wouldn't respect their views if they were based in this level of superficiality & disregard for my circumstances.

I guess I'm just a different sort of person, b/c I don't change anything b/c it doesn't fit some else's standard. Nor would I advise anyone else to. If the poster had indicated that she may have needed a change, that would have been one thing, but by her own account she isn't looking a mess. She didn't fit his narrow-standard. Like Neroli said, I wouldn't drop a friend based soley on advice given here, but sometimes we need to see things in a different light which I why I think we post and why we accept the feedback of others. And as always, you can take it or leave it.

 

[ubavka123]

[ QUOTE ]
sengschick said:
@WT: I too think 'hate' is too often attributed, but when the title friend is used it indicates a certain understanding. My friends and I understand that we operate from a place of mutual respect. We don't tear each other down, speak negatively or pass judgement on each other. Based on the tone on the poster, it didn't sounds as if these criticisms weren't offered in spirit of true friendship. When you offer advice to a friend they shouldn't leave the situation feeling like they need the encouragement of others as she indicated. No, I don't want my friends to allow me to walk around looking crazy, but I also wouldn't respect their views if they were based in this level of superficiality & disregard for my circumstances.

I guess I'm just a different sort of person, b/c I don't change anything b/c it doesn't fit some else's standard. Nor would I advise anyone else to. If the poster had indicated that she may have needed a change, that would have been one thing, but by her own account she isn't looking a mess. She didn't fit his narrow-standard. Like Neroli said, I wouldn't drop a friend based soley on advice given here, but sometimes we need to see things in a different light which I why I think we post and why we accept the feedback of others. And as always, you can take it or leave it.

[/ QUOTE ]

ITA. I couldn't have (and probably didn't) say it better.

 

[CocoaCure]

Sometimes friends can tell us things about ourselves that we aren't noticing and that's great - even when we don't agree - HOEVER............someone who is just plain mean and says that he would take you places but he knows your hair isn't going to be done, etc.......... is just a complete loser who doesn't give a flying flip about you or your feelings!

I can tell you're a very hard working person and I greatly admire your hard work and self-discipline. It sounds as if you're working and putting yourself through school. Congratulations on being so close to your graduation as well! Please try and cultivate more friends who are like yourself - hard-workers with clear cut goals who are actively working towards them. I think you'd be a lot happier, and you'll find that you don't have hair "problem" at all! After all of your hard work, then enjoy pampering yourself at the salon whenever you please - you're working hard now to be able to afford the lifestyle and luxury of time you don't have now! I know you'll get it, and I pray that some GREAT blessing come your way! I believe they will!!! keep your eyes on the prize!

 

[sengschick]

[ QUOTE ]
ubavka123 said:
ITA. I couldn't have (and probably didn't) say it better.

[/ QUOTE ]
Thanks sweetie

 

[FineChyna]

i don't think my friend is being mean on purpose but according to him real women should get their hair and nails done. to me thats stupid and secondly i am too busy. i also told him if he hated my hair so much then he should come up with $100 every 6-8 weeks so i could get braids done or something. he shut up then but i do feel like this is a personal attack on me and my personality. i tried to be practical with items because i don't have parents to cry to when the rent is due...i work hard for my measly paycheck. but i really feels he don't understand that and thinks that all the practical answers he thinks of work for EVERYONE when in fact i am not everyone. hell i wish i could get pampered at a salon but honestly i CAN'T i just don't make money like that truth be told. times are rough.

BTW how do you do a braid out? is there a thread that gives details and has final pictures of what it should look like?

 

[mahoganee]

Tell them that you wear your hair the way "you" want to. I had the same experience when I was having a hard time financially. I told them when they could put my hair on their head then they can comb it whatever way they want to and until then leave me the hell alone!

You don't owe them any explanation as to why you wear your hair the way you do. Tell 'em to get them some business and to stay out of yours.