Nice & Wavy
Well-Known Member
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."
Luke 22:42 (NIV)
Have you ever been at place in your adventures with the Lord where you wanted to do His will so badly that your heart ached but somewhere in the depths of your soul you struggled to say, "Yes Lord, I will submit to your plan no matter what?"
I love the Lord so much, however, sometimes my response to His call of submission is not one that I am proud of. I question His leadership and argue with His ways. Out of one side of my mouth I confess that He is Lord while the other side lets angry remarks of disapproval of His direction slip out. I want to want to embrace His plan but it is hard when His plan doesn't make sense and causes pain.
My husband has been facing a health issue for over 18 months. It is been a trying time for all us. We have gone from one doctor to the next, with hope that "this doctor" will be the one who will have the answer. My faith and hope have been kept alive as long as we had a new doctor to see. (Allowing my faith and hope to rest in the hands of human physicians; now that is a problem in itself.) I have been led down so many dead ends that I have found myself in a crisis of belief.
As I faced this crisis of belief I knew that I was not alone. God was with me but my ears needed to hear Him. I didn't want to submit to the possibility of a lifetime of suffering for my husband, and I was angry about the prospect. Basically, I needed Him to confirm to me that it was alright that I didn't understand or like this situation that He was allowing to happen.
Recently as I was reading my Bible, I studied the various accounts of Jesus' crucifixion. As I reread the Gethsemane scene in each gospel I came face-to-face with the humanity of our Savior. He knew the Father's plan for his life. Yet in the last hours, He asked His Father to change the plan. I could completely identify with wanting to submit to the will of God but desperately seeking a change of direction.
I could hear Jesus saying, "I want to do your will. I will do Your will. But please, is there another way?" It is as if I had come to my own Gethsemane praying for my husband and asking, "if you could find another way, please do."
I want my "want to" to be fixed. I want my faith to be as real in a crisis as it is when I am celebrating His greatness. I want to, want to. It seems for the first time in a long time maybe even the first time ever, I fear saying "thy will be done" because if this is His will, our lives will be changed forever.
God has been faithful to lead me through my crisis of belief and continues to supply what we need each day. I still don't understand the suffering my husband is going through but my "want to" continues to be nurtured by His loving hands.
Do you need a breakthrough? Do you find yourself at a crossroads in the midst of a crisis of belief? Let me encourage you to seek Jesus. He promises you are not alone. He understands what you are feeling at this very moment and wants to help with your "want to" as well.
Dear Lord, help me overcome my unbelief. I know You are with me. I know your plan is perfect but sometimes -- like right now -- I struggle against it. Please show me how You are working in the midst of this. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
, but in a very good way. 
