How to "train" your man?

[Glib Gurl]

I was talking to a male colleauge about relationship stuff and he said that as a woman I need to "train" my man. (He's married btw and talked about how his wife had to "train" him.)

What do you think about this? I know you can't fundamentally change a person but is it possible to "train" your man to overcome certain habits/tendencies that drive you up the wall? If so, what are some tips for doing so?

 

[chelseatiara]

ummm my bf used to cuss....the last time he did it around us...me and his best friend beat the crap out of him....as in threw him on the cafeteria floor during lunch and beat him with random objects ....he apologized and straightened up lmao not the best way to go about it but certainly an effective tactic

 

[Glib Gurl]

ummm my bf used to cuss....the last time he did it around us...me and his best friend beat the crap out of him....as in threw him on the cafeteria floor during lunch and beat him with random objects ....he apologized and straightened up lmao not the best way to go about it but certainly an effective tactic

Dang! Well, I'm glad it worked (I take it y'all are in school?) Any tips that don't involve bodily harm?

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I think the things that are important are either there or aren't. Or maybe I just got tired of hearing older folks in my family argue all the time because they're just incompatible (cough ...parents). I really think it's better to find someone whose traits are already okay with you in every way. Yes there are tiny annoying things...but they should be just that...things that you are okay with in your partner, even if they're slightly annoying (they should still be something you can laugh off). For instance maybe they are disorganized but you accept that. If you can't (and you're anal add about that stuff to the point that you're going to argue every day) then you shouldn't be together. If you have things that drive you up the wall it's best to jump ship then be another nagging partner. Nagging doesn't change anything. The person will stay the same and you'll just argue from here to there and nothing ever really changes.

I don't try to change a person, either they have what I'm looking for or they don't.

 

[chelseatiara]

Dang! Well, I'm glad it worked (I take it y'all are in school?) Any tips that don't involve bodily harm?

lol we're in college. Ummm i talk to him and tell him what i dont like.....he"ll usually stop if he sees he's wrong and it hurts me...if not lol

 

[Butterfly08]

Yeah, you should have your non-negotiables, and if a potential partner has one or more of them with no plans to change, they shouldn't move any further in your life IMO.

Now smaller things, yes older married ladies who have been married 30+ years have talked about successfully "training" men to help around the house, cook, etc. If you have a partner who wants to please you I think it's possible. But it's better to work on that stuff early in the relationship, they get comfortable quick. Be aware that it works both ways. They may be tryin' to train you too.

 

[goldielocs]

Yeah, I've had to train DH on a few things. Lets see...

#1. "Forgetting" to take a towel with him when he takes a shower- I ignore him calling me from the bathroom, turn the AC up and laugh at him as he scurried to the closet to get the towel he knew he needed when he decided to wash his behind.Sometimes I steal the towel to watch him run naked. It's too cute. We play a lot of jokes on one another. Our daughter thinks we're crazy.

#2. Not replacing the toilet tissue when it's an empty roll- I get a roll and keep it under the sink for my use only. He never looks in there so when the roll is empty he's sitting in there calling me for another roll. I handed him a paper towel and he learned his lesson. Now he ALWAYS looks before he starts

#3. Not picking up dirty clothes- Leave them on the floor. It only took one time to correct this issue. When he didn't have any clean underware when the laundry was done he put 2 and 2 together... I'ma wife- not a MAID.

#4. Prompting him to take the lead- I don't make a move and force him to have to deal with it. This can go for anything. Paying bills, fixing something, opening a door, answering the phone- whatever. I either stand there, ignore it or look at him with expectation. He's gotten to the point where he is pretty good about taking the lead.

#5. Affection- My husband is not the romantic so I had to train him by finding out his love language. His are physical affection and compliments. So I would be romantic in his languages and then make suggestions to him concerning me. I'm huge on gifts and having someone help me. We make a point to do at least 3 things for each other a day to make the other feel special. My favorite are the pedicures. My boo does a wonderful job.

I can't think of anything else, but I'm sure that's enough-lol.

 

[kismettt]

Dont like the word "train". And i already know his reaction if he ever heard it used that way

I think if i have a problem with something he does, i tell him and he makes an effort to change. Maybe its because trying to manipulate him in an indirect manner doesnt work. is this me admitting i tried?

 

[Gigi-07]

#1. "Forgetting" to take a towel with him when he takes a shower- I ignore him calling me from the bathroom, turn the AC up and laugh at him as he scurried to the closet to get the towel he knew he needed when he decided to wash his behind.Sometimes I steal the towel to watch him run naked. It's too cute. We play a lot of jokes on one another. Our daughter thinks we're crazy.

so mean, but so funny!

 

[lacreolegurl]

Dont like the word "train". And i already know his reaction if he ever heard it used that way

I think if i have a problem with something he does, i tell him and he makes an effort to change. Maybe its because trying to manipulate him in an indirect manner doesnt work. is this me admitting i tried?

I wouldn't say train either. I talk(ed) to my dh and let him know when something is(was) bothering me. Some 'small' things I just had to get over or decided if it was worth it. I didn't want my dh to be the male version of me and nobody wants to spend their life getting corrected and walking on eggshells. He has the same rights in our relationship as me and some of those differences are what adds the spice. I also learned that by putting him on the defensive by going off doesn't work on him at all...but approaching him in love and focusing on how a certain thing made me feel works best. Since we love each other, you don't want to intentionally do things to hurt/annoy/frustrate the other. It works the same way on me.

 

[goldielocs]

I wouldn't say train either. I talk(ed) to my dh and let him know when something is(was) bothering me. Some 'small' things I just had to get over or decided if it was worth it. I didn't want my dh to be the male version of me and nobody wants to spend their life getting corrected and walking on eggshells. He has the same rights in our relationship as me and some of those differences are what adds the spice. I also learned that by putting him on the defensive by going off doesn't work on him at all...but approaching him in love and focusing on how a certain thing made me feel works best. Since we love each other, you don't want to intentionally do things to hurt/annoy/frustrate the other. It works the same way on me.

I tried that and talking to my DH didn't work. At first I felt bad because he's an adult and I didn't want to treat him that way, but IT WORKS!!! I don't fuss at him or yell. I don't like that type of atmostphere in the home either, but for some weird reason turning my irritation into a situation where we can laugh about it works. I know to the outside person, it looks mean, but we laugh A LOT.

Shoot, that hopping out the shower bit has led to plenty of coloring sessions. It's a staple- lol.

 

[dlewis]

Dont like the word "train". And i already know his reaction if he ever heard it used that way

I think if i have a problem with something he does, i tell him and he makes an effort to change. Maybe its because trying to manipulate him in an indirect manner doesnt work. is this me admitting i tried?

I don't like the word either. But I've worked with mine over the years and I still am. Talking to him and just telling what my issue is with somethings just doesn't work.

 

[Dee_33]

^^^you should do a "relationship tip" thread dlewis, I'm sure many of us here would love to be able to read all of your tips in 1 thread.

 

[dlewis]

The approach that works with DH may seem manipulative to some.

For a long time he wouldn't help with inside chores. He still doesn't in the spring and summer, he super busy. I started making a list. When he wouldn't complete those items on the lists I would do them and I would be soooo tired that night that he couldn't touch me. He quickly learned that he helping out and doing what I asked gave me more energy at night.

With his cussing, I've giving up on that. It's not nearly as bad as it's been but me and the kids stay on him about that and talk badly about him when he does cuss.

Now Dh leaves closet and kitchen cabinet doors open. Night before last I asked him why he does it. NOW WHAT HE DOES is he almost closes them. I saw him yest morning, get up, get something out the closet and think about what to do next, then he almost closes it.perplexederplexed

I didn't say anything because I knew it would come out badly and that's not my intent, that doesn't work with him.

 

[suburbanbushbabe]

Yeah, I've had to train DH on a few things. Lets see...

#1. "Forgetting" to take a towel with him when he takes a shower- I ignore him calling me from the bathroom, turn the AC up and laugh at him as he scurried to the closet to get the towel he knew he needed when he decided to wash his behind.Sometimes I steal the towel to watch him run naked. It's too cute. We play a lot of jokes on one another. Our daughter thinks we're crazy.

#2. Not replacing the toilet tissue when it's an empty roll- I get a roll and keep it under the sink for my use only. He never looks in there so when the roll is empty he's sitting in there calling me for another roll. I handed him a paper towel and he learned his lesson. Now he ALWAYS looks before he starts

#3. Not picking up dirty clothes- Leave them on the floor. It only took one time to correct this issue. When he didn't have any clean underware when the laundry was done he put 2 and 2 together... I'ma wife- not a MAID.

#4. Prompting him to take the lead- I don't make a move and force him to have to deal with it. This can go for anything. Paying bills, fixing something, opening a door, answering the phone- whatever. I either stand there, ignore it or look at him with expectation. He's gotten to the point where he is pretty good about taking the lead.

#5. Affection- My husband is not the romantic so I had to train him by finding out his love language. His are physical affection and compliments. So I would be romantic in his languages and then make suggestions to him concerning me. I'm huge on gifts and having someone help me. We make a point to do at least 3 things for each other a day to make the other feel special. My favorite are the pedicures. My boo does a wonderful job.

I can't think of anything else, but I'm sure that's enough-lol.

 

[drkc01]

I wouldn't say train but I do talk about what I want. We (my DH and I) usually talk when we are laying down at night...it is when are both relaxed and least likely to get angry. I told him happy wife=happy life. We also are intimate 3-4+ times a week so usually he is in a good mood and agrees with whatever I say..

 

[CofCGrad1997]

I am not married, but have been in a couple of long term relationships. I agree with someone who said earlier that you should have some things that are non-negotiables, but other little things like opening the car door for you (which I insist upon) are certainly 'trainable.' Another way to look at it, character traits are usually NOT trainable, but behavioral traits and actions typically are.

I think you have to treat them like children and offer positive reinforcement. Don't make them feel bad when they don't do it, but just reward them when they do. People usually respond by repeating the act that earned them those rewards. When he opens the car door for you, give him a kiss and say, "Sweetie, I love it when you do that for me. I really like it, and it makes me want to respond by doing something I know you'd like."

 

[WAVES4DAYS]

Yeah, I've had to train DH on a few things. Lets see...

#1. "Forgetting" to take a towel with him when he takes a shower- I ignore him calling me from the bathroom, turn the AC up and laugh at him as he scurried to the closet to get the towel he knew he needed when he decided to wash his behind.Sometimes I steal the towel to watch him run naked. It's too cute. We play a lot of jokes on one another. Our daughter thinks we're crazy.

#2. Not replacing the toilet tissue when it's an empty roll- I get a roll and keep it under the sink for my use only. He never looks in there so when the roll is empty he's sitting in there calling me for another roll. I handed him a paper towel and he learned his lesson. Now he ALWAYS looks before he starts

#3. Not picking up dirty clothes- Leave them on the floor. It only took one time to correct this issue. When he didn't have any clean underware when the laundry was done he put 2 and 2 together... I'ma wife- not a MAID.

#4. Prompting him to take the lead- I don't make a move and force him to have to deal with it. This can go for anything. Paying bills, fixing something, opening a door, answering the phone- whatever. I either stand there, ignore it or look at him with expectation. He's gotten to the point where he is pretty good about taking the lead.

#5. Affection- My husband is not the romantic so I had to train him by finding out his love language. His are physical affection and compliments. So I would be romantic in his languages and then make suggestions to him concerning me. I'm huge on gifts and having someone help me. We make a point to do at least 3 things for each other a day to make the other feel special. My favorite are the pedicures. My boo does a wonderful job.

I can't think of anything else, but I'm sure that's enough-lol.

Go head girl!

 

[ArrrBeee]

Just remember whatever you start, be prepared to keep it up. For example, if you start off doing all of the cooking, don't start giving your man the side eye when he doesn't cook. You have gotten him used to it. Set your expectations early and upfront.