How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down....

[Glib Gurl]

Let me state up front that I am NOT trying to be a Debbie Downer, pitiful-down-in-the-mouth, brooding over my ugly girl problems. On the contrary, I am doing just the opposite.

I think most of us have been there. We spend a good portion of our day getting ready for a night on the town. Hair is on point. Your outfit is flyy. You look good. You smell good. You FEEL good . . . .

. . . until you get to the spot.

There are only 3 dudes in the place and fiddy-leven women. And then slowly, as the night unfolds, you feel that confidence you left the house with slowly slip away. You've made the rounds, but no prospects are in sight . . . or if they are, they're not expressing much interest in you. You leave feeling defeated . . . another perfectly good waste of time, money, and makeup.

Yeah. I'm so over that feeling.

Instead, I want to carry that confidence that I have initially all through my adventures on the town. I'm just wondering how to really DO that . . . to really change my core belief - that I AM worthy, that he IS out there, and that it's only a matter of time before we find each other. But that is hard to do when I've held so tightly to beliefs that contradict all of that for so long. (You all know my self-esteem dramas . . . no need to rehash here.) Then when circumstances (such as not getting any play during a night on the town) reinforce those negative beliefs - well it becomes very difficult to maintain that initial level of confidence.

So I'm asking for real, concrete tips on changing my core belief and having an unshakeable confidence that is not dictated by circumstances. (This isn't just about dating, really, but applicable about anything.)

What do y'all do . . . repeat affirmations? Vision boarding? I wanna know

Thanks in advance, ladies.

 

[Raspberry]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

Honestly? I stopped going to places like what you're describing.I would say keep your expectations low when going to night spots.. make it about having fun, dancing, people watching, whatever. No matter how you look its hard to find quality men when going out at night. I know quite a few women who feel the same as you after going out, the meat market competitive environment of bars/clubs can be kind of depressing if you're taking it seriously.

You can start by surrounding yourself with people and places that affirm you in ways that go beyond looks. Yea we should all have unshakeable confidence in every environment but we're not robots, we all need positive stimuli and life isn't supposed to be a never-ending bootcamp for your emotions.

What environments do you feel most confident in? Why?

Personally I feel much better in situations with men where I can present myself as a 3-D person - looks, personality, and mental capacity. For me, that's usually a business networking event, community event, political forum, etc. Then I know a man is seeing me in a balanced way and it's not just about my look or body parts...

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

Hehe, I don't lol. But on the real OP, what you're describing is why I don't go to clubs. Honestly I'm not interested in men in the club scene, I've rarely gone myself and it was never to meet men. I've never had a problem attracting guys. This may sound cliche but IMO the mind is the most sexual part of the body. So I gravitate towards guys who are on the same wavelength. I look to connect mentally before anything else because then who I am and who he is really shines.

 

[Imani]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

I'm clearly no expert. But I go out just to get out the house, mingle and have fun, no expectations. That way I am not disappointed. And if I do meet someone its icing on the cake/a pleasant surprise.

I honestly feel like I will more likely meet someone out and about in the daytime than at a night scene anyway. Or maybe at an intimate setting. Like, for instance, I know someone who just had a game night at their house (mostly alumni of my univ in our age, playing board games and some food), waaay more likely to have decent convo and meet like minded people in that type of setting.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

I'm clearly no expert. But I go out just to get out the house, mingle and have fun, no expectations. That way I am not disappointed. And if I do meet someone its icing on the cake/a pleasant surprise.

In that case, I will never be going to night spots again because truly I hate them . . . I can listen to music and dance in my living room . . . for free But last time I checked, no brothas were roaming around my apartment, lookin' for love

*shrug*

 

[CurliDiva]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

In that case, I will never be going to night spots again because truly I hate them . . . I can listen to music and dance in my living room . . . for free But last time I checked, no brothas were roaming around my apartment, lookin' for love

*shrug*

No offense, but IMO people roaming around clubs/bars are not looking for LOVE!

How many great/lasting love stories have you heard of that started with:
.......our eyes meet across a crowded, sweaty dance floor
.......he bought my a (insert drink name)
.......he asked for my number at the bar or worst in the parking lot
.......I was backing that thang up on him and knew he was the man of my dreams

 

[Britt]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

I'm clearly no expert. But I go out just to get out the house, mingle and have fun, no expectations. That way I am not disappointed. And if I do meet someone its icing on the cake/a pleasant surprise.

I honestly feel like I will more likely meet someone out and about in the daytime than at a night scene anyway. Or maybe at an intimate setting. Like, for instance, I know someone who just had a game night at their house (mostly alumni of my univ in our age, playing board games and some food), waaay more likely to have decent convo and meet like minded people in that type of setting.

YEP!!!! I feel so much that I will meet someone when I least expect it. Even if I do go out at night, the odds still aren't that high to really meet someone. So me going out, will be moreso about enjoying myself, looking at others, looking at men, but it would be hard to meet someone in a crowded place with drinks spilling everywhere. What's funny is that, even when I run into men I find attractive, it's always when I least expect it erplexed . Like I literally almost bumped into a dude while I was turning the corner to walk home the other day, I ran into my high school crush sweaty and leaving the gym, I saw another dude while coming from the supermarket, I ran into a cutie while I was in a mad rush in a store trying to return panties . It's just always when I least expect to see someone. I almost hate that, b/c there is no level of control.

No offense, but IMO people roaming around clubs/bars are not looking for LOVE!

How many great/lasting love stories have you heard of that started with:
.......our eyes meet across a crowded, sweaty dance floor
.......he bought my a (insert drink name)
.......he asked for my number at the bar or worst in the parking lot
.......I was backing that thang on him and knew he was the man of my dreams

yes, yes, and yes !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Glib Gurl]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

No offense, but IMO people roaming around clubs/bars are not looking for LOVE!

How many great/lasting love stories have you heard of that started with:
.......our eyes meet across a crowded, sweaty dance floor
.......he bought my a (insert drink name)
.......he asked for my number at the bar or worst in the parking lot
.......I was backing that thang on him and knew he was the man of my dreams

True, true But, do you know my brother actually met his fiance at da club??? They were both there for the birthday party of a mutual friend.

We were clowning her about it at the bridal fitting. We were like, "[Glib's brother] saw dat @ss and had to have her . . . ." ROFL!

 

[Renewed1]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

Personally I feel much better in situations with men where I can present myself as a 3-D person - looks, personality, and mental capacity. For me, that's usually a business networking event, community event, political forum, etc. Then I know a man is seeing me in a balanced way and it's not just about my look or body parts...

I agree with your statement, especially the bold. I'm going out, but I'm doing things that are aligned with my personality/hobbies.

Quite a few women (Bunny77, Syrah, etc) on here said it best. If you want to find the type of guy you are interested in; you should go to where they are.

Clubs, speed dating, etc are just places for me to practice my "skillz" nothing to take seriously. If something happens from these places, great, if not great.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

I agree with your statement, especially the bold. I'm going out, but I'm doing things that are aligned with my personality/hobbies.

Quite a few women (Bunny77, Syrah, etc) on here said it best. If you want to find the type of guy you are interested in; you should go to where they are.

But WHERE Is that? I like guys who are into culture and the arts . . . when I go there, pretty much most of the guys there (if there are any at all) are ghey

 

[SuchMagnificent]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

Glib, you have been in my head for the past couple of threads about relationships..I have to echo your previous post.. Where are these ladies meeting these "eligible men".. I hardly ever see "these men" when Im out and about during the day, running errands, at the grocery store, etc..Where am I supposed to be going, Home Depot, Foot Action, GNC?? I dont work out so the gym is not an option..The only place I see men in abundance are at nightclubs, sports bars, and lounges...

The competition is definitely fierce out there Glib, so I totally feel where you are coming from..I have started going out on the lesser crowded nights, (so I can have more leverage and be seen) and concentrating more on sports bars and places where men gravitate to. For every person that doesnt think they can find someone special while out in the nightlife, there is always one that does..I dont know when or where I will meet my next "whatever" but I will put myself in the position to be seen..The pizza man, cable man, post man, maintenance man, and whoever else shows up at my door arent always gonna be options..lol

 

[FlyyBohemian]

Let me state up front that I am NOT trying to be a Debbie Downer, pitiful-down-in-the-mouth, brooding over my ugly girl problems. On the contrary, I am doing just the opposite.

I think most of us have been there. We spend a good portion of our day getting ready for a night on the town. Hair is on point. Your outfit is flyy. You look good. You smell good. You FEEL good . . . .

. . . until you get to the spot.

There are only 3 dudes in the place and fiddy-leven women. And then slowly, as the night unfolds, you feel that confidence you left the house with slowly slip away. You've made the rounds, but no prospects are in sight . . . or if they are, they're not expressing much interest in you. You leave feeling defeated . . . another perfectly good waste of time, money, and makeup.

Yeah. I'm so over that feeling.

Instead, I want to carry that confidence that I have initially all through my adventures on the town. I'm just wondering how to really DO that . . . to really change my core belief - that I AM worthy, that he IS out there, and that it's only a matter of time before we find each other. But that is hard to do when I've held so tightly to beliefs that contradict all of that for so long. (You all know my self-esteem dramas . . . no need to rehash here.) Then when circumstances (such as not getting any play during a night on the town) reinforce those negative beliefs - well it becomes very difficult to maintain that initial level of confidence.

So I'm asking for real, concrete tips on changing my core belief and having an unshakeable confidence that is not dictated by circumstances. (This isn't just about dating, really, but applicable about anything.)

What do y'all do . . . repeat affirmations? Vision boarding? I wanna know

Thanks in advance, ladies.

Don't take things personal. Live for yourself and not for the weekend. Get busy in things you like. That's what worked for me. I don't go to clubs for guys. Getting tipsy and dancing is enough fun for me and some aggressive sweaty Bama *** dude can spoil all the fun when ur not in the mood. Your a diva. Price yourself high. You don't want a dude at the club. Find other places to meet guys.

 

[FlyyBohemian]

Glib, you have been in my head for the past couple of threads about relationships..I have to echo your previous post.. Where are these ladies meeting these "eligible men".. I hardly ever see "these men" when Im out and about during the day, running errands, at the grocery store, etc..Where am I supposed to be going, Home Depot, Foot Action, GNC?? I dont work out so the gym is not an option..The only place I see men in abundance are at nightclubs, sports bars, and lounges...

The competition is definitely fierce out there Glib, so I totally feel where you are coming from..I have started going out on the lesser crowded nights, (so I can have more leverage and be seen) and concentrating more on sports bars and places where men gravitate to. For every person that doesnt think they can find someone special while out in the nightlife, there is always one that does..I dont know when or where I will meet my next "whatever" but I will put myself in the position to be seen..The pizza man, cable man, post man, maintenance man, and whoever else shows up at my door arent always gonna be options..lol

Im not gay, and I'm not saying be a *****, but my ex boyfriends and flings contacted me when I did not care. Guys go for women that don't care too much.

 

[Carrie A]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

But WHERE Is that? I like guys who are into culture and the arts . . . when I go there, pretty much most of the guys there (if there are any at all) are ghey

I guess it's time to expand your hobbies a bit.

or put a twist on them. Did you go to any artini happy hours this year?

 

[Renewed1]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

But WHERE Is that? I like guys who are into culture and the arts . . . when I go there, pretty much most of the guys there (if there are any at all) are ghey

Girl, do a google search....art exhibits, theater, volunteer for things you like. See if you can join the single ministries at other churches (or be attend the activities, many churches are open to that). Cooking classes for single, writing....

I went on a meetup.com and found a group that does theater. There are some men in the bunch.

But WHAT do YOU like to do? Then find those activities and attend them, remember even if it's mostly women. They may KNOW some available bachelors.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

Did you go to any artini happy hours this year?

Where dey do dat at??? (Sorry - being silly from last thread.)

But really - what is an artini?

 

[Carrie A]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

Where dey do dat at??? (Sorry - being silly from last thread.)

But really - what is an artini?

http://www.washingtonian.com/sections/artsfun/artini

 

[MsWowFactor]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

Mine came along once I decided to stop looking. I had faith that I would be in a relationship and that the right man would come along. I needed to make sure that I was the right woman so that I could keep him or be happy with or without him if things didn’t work out.

Once I started focusing on me and being happy by myself…he showed up and we have been together ever since.

 

[*5+5]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

Glib,

I would suggest staying away from the relationship forum for about 6 months. Do not talk to any female friends about relationships and men for awhile. I know that may be tough but cut back a bit and def. don't initiate any of these conversations. Too much dialogue about this stuff can become counterproductive. You don’t want to be so mental about this to the point you are following steps, checking this off, not forgetting to add that etc.

Do things in your natural order, thought and reflex b/c keep in mind most people meet and click in the most un-traditional fashions. I believe men can sense the pursuit even if you’re not verbalizing or acting on it and you’ll always produce the best results when you are operating as the “true to form self” even if that person doesn’t include doing all the things you mentioned. If you truly want it and BELIEVE it’ll happen it will find its way to you in due time.

 

[hopeful]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

True, true But, do you know my brother actually met his fiance at da club??? They were both there for the birthday party of a mutual friend.

We were clowning her about it at the bridal fitting. We were like, "[Glib's brother] saw dat @ss and had to have her . . . ." ROFL!

Then they didn't really meet at the club, but at a birthday party of a mutual friend, that is different.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

Glib,

I would suggest staying away from the relationship forum for about 6 months. Do not talk to any female friends about relationships and men for awhile. I know that may be tough but cut back a bit and def. don't initiate any of these conversations. Too much dialogue about this stuff can become counterproductive. You don’t want to be so mental about this to the point you are following steps, checking this off, not forgetting to add that etc.

Do things in your natural order, thought and reflex b/c keep in mind most people meet and click in the most un-traditional fashions. I believe men can sense the pursuit even if you’re not verbalizing or acting on it and you’ll always produce the best results when you are operating as the “true to form self” even if that person doesn’t include doing all the things you mentioned. If you truly want it and BELIEVE it’ll happen it will find its way to you in due time.

I agree.

I know it will be hard, but I think this advice is so true. Sometimes I can even find myself going on a tangent and thinking TOO hard about relationships. I think some part of that is true...that guys can just "tell" when you're too fixated on being in a relationship or if you mentally pursue them. Plus, most guys like to feel "special"...like it was something within THEM that caused you to fall for them. But if a woman is giving out the vibes (consciously OR subconsciously ) that she's just desperate to be in ANY relationship regardless of who the guy is, then this can be a turn off. It's like those guys you meet who you can just *tell* are looking at ANY woman as just a piece of meat. They're so desperate to be in a relationship or "get some" that they just eye up any old type of woman. If you won't take the bait, then they'll quickly be off chatting up the next woman in the room. Talk about a TURN OFF!

So, Glib...you dont' want to be the female equivalent of that. I agree with the other posters. Take a little break for a while and just live life, relax, and ENJOY! I really think that relationships will come when you least expect it. It won't be some type of pre-meditated calculated thing.

Just have FUN and enjoy life! Trust me, when you look back on your life 5, 10, 15 years from now, you'll wonder why you ever spent so much time worrying in the first place about relationships/dating/men, etc. I know it's hard (boy...do I know it's hard!) but I think it will be better for you in the long run.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Re: How to maintain confidence in the dating game when stuff keeps dragging you down.

I also wanted to add that one of the ways in which I keep myself from being discouraged at the "singles scene" these days and keep my confidence levels up, is by giving MYSELF love, acceptance, and attention as opposed to looking to OTHERS (ie. men, etc.) for validation and "confirmation" of my own worthiness.


I'm telling you, the day I started working on trying NOT to seek validation in others, was the day that I went to social functions without any "goal" in mind. I'm telling you, going to parties with a different "goal" in mind will help you tremendously. When I was going to parties or functions with the hopes of "finding" someone, I was aaaalllllways disapointed. But when I went to gatherings with the hopes of just having fun, people watching, or playing a game (in my mind----how many names can I remember? find 3 people in this room who have 3 things in common with me, etc), I noticed that the pressure came off soooo easily , and I was more myself and actually had a good time. Sometimes I actually met some really nice guys too!