How to Love PeopleYou Don't Like

[Laela]

How to Love the People You Don't Like
Monday, February 14th, 2011

As written and presented by Mary Whelchel

It is Valentine's week, so our minds go toward the people in our lives that we really love. But my question to you is, Do you have people in your life that you really don't like-much less love? If you're human, there are bound to be some of those people around. And it seems to me that we run into these people on our jobs quite often.

Yes, even Christians are allowed to have people in their lives they do not like. I know of no scriptural directive that commands us to like everyone. But I know many verses that tell us to love other people. Here are just two of many:

'And this commandment we have from God, that the one who loves God should love his brother also' (1 John 4:21).

Jesus said: 'For if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. Love your enemies.' (Luke 6:32 & 35).

It's clear that as Christians we are to love people-all people, yes, even the people we work with. But what about those unlikable people? Since we cannot like them, we usually conclude that we cannot love them either. Don't we have to like people before we can love them? How can we love someone we don't like?

Well, part of the problem is that we misunderstand the word love. The kind of love that we need in order to love people we don't like is agape love, God's kind of love. Now, agape love is not a feeling. Though we may experience nice feelings, agape love does not depend on how we feel or how others feel about us. We can express agape love whether the feelings are present or absent, whether they are good or bad. This kind of love is not a feeling.

Agape love is an action. The Bible tells us that we know that God loves us because he sent his Son into the world to redeem us. We know that Jesus loves us because he gave his life. The Bible says, 'Greater love hath no man than this, that a man give his life for a friend.' And God says that he will know that we love him if we keep his commandments. God's kind of love is an action, not a feeling.

Now, that really is good news, because it tells me that I can love people toward whom I do not necessarily have good feelings. I can love people toward whom I have no feelings at all. Think: Who are the people you will be dealing with today or tomorrow that you really don't like? Will you ask God to help you understand how to love them, even though you don't like them?

 

[Laela]

How to Love the People You Don't Like -
Tuesday, February 15th, 2011
As written and presented by Mary Whelchel

Aren't you glad that God's love to us is not based on how he feels about us? He may be, and I'm sure often is, very displeased with us as individuals, yet his love and goodness toward us are constant. This encourages me, because it means that God does not require me to have good feelings toward everyone, and like you, I've discovered there are people I just don't like.

You don't have to like someone to love them. Webster defines like as to 'feel an attraction, tenderness or affection for' someone. We say 'I like you because...' - and we list the things we like about the person.

But agape love says, 'I love you in spite of...' - in spite of the things about you that I may not like. We don't have to feel guilty about not liking everyone. It's okay! But we are commanded to love others.

Write it on a piece of paper and tape it to your mirror, your desk, over your sink, on your screen saver-wherever you will see it often: 'LOVE IS NOT A FEELING, LOVE IS AN ACTION!'

I'm sure there were people Jesus did not like. Ever read what he said to the religious hypocrites of his day? I don't think he liked them very much at all.

But I know he loved them, because he died for them. Love is not a feeling, love is an action. So, this is our responsibility-to love others, whether we like them or not.

Paul said in his letter to the Romans that the Holy Spirit, who was given to us, has poured out the love of God within our hearts (Rom. 5:5). Think about God's love for you. John wrote: 'To us, the greatest demonstration of God's love for us has been his sending his only Son into the world to give us life through him. We see real love, not in the fact that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to make personal atonement for our sins.'

And remember, God loves those people you don't like just as much as he loves you. Let God's love pour all over you and fill you. Remember how he loves you, even when you're not very lovable. That's the beginning of learning how to love other people, even the ones you don't like so much.

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[Prudent1]

"And remember, God loves those people you don't like just as much as he loves you."
Ahh yes... I remember the first time God's spirit convicted me of this very point. I didn't want to hear that at all. Learning that I could not be Sister Super Christian with my pious attitude when I knew there were some folks I would rather see going than coming. Yep, I had to learn that they were created fearfully and wonderfully by Him just like me... These lessons never end Thanks for sharing Laela.

 

[4everbeautifull1]

I am struggling with this as we speak. It's because these few people have done me wrong and it is really hard but I am still really nice to them but inside I am struggling. I am working on it though. It is really sad when they are your own family members. They are jealous for absolutely no reason at all. I pray about this all the time.

 

[JinaRicci]

Thanks for this Laela. I struggle too with this and it's so weird that I needed to hear this on Valentine's Day because of my feelings towards a coworker.

But I want to ask how can we show love then? What specific things should we decide to do to show them love even though we don't like them? Any examples/experience would be great.

 

[JinaRicci]

sorry for the triple post... server issues.

 

[JinaRicci]

sorry for the triple post... server issues.

 

[Prudent1]

Laela,
May I?

I am struggling with this as we speak. It's because these few people have done me wrong and it is really hard but I am still really nice to them but inside I am struggling. I am working on it though. It is really sad when they are your own family members. They are jealous for absolutely no reason at all. I pray about this all the time.

It takes time. Sometimes years as you ask God to help you and are open to receive from him in this area. There are passages in the bible about family members inflicting the most hurt. If they were strangers or acquaintances we would easily dismiss them. It is not as easy to dismiss family. God often uses those experiences to mold us into the person he designed us to be. Your prayers are the key.

Thanks for this Laela. I struggle too with this and it's so weird that I needed to hear this on Valentine's Day because of my feelings towards a coworker.

But I want to ask how can we show love then? What specific things should we decide to do to show them love even though we don't like them? Any examples/experience would be great.

For me it was speaking daily. Being cordial at all times. Genuinely learning to smile while speaking to those ppl. Choosing not to say anything negative about them out loud whether alone or not. Paying attention to things that person cared about (golf, chocolate, opera, whatever) and using those things as conversation starters or as fodder when selecting small but meaningful gifts for them (when the occasion warranted). TIME. I didn't like it one bit either. My flesh fought me. In this particular case that person and I ended up with mutual respect for each other and I would even say as work friends in the end. This took place over a period of about 18 months. He ended up buying me little things just to be nice- the whole nine yards. It wasn't easy though.

 

[JinaRicci]

Thank you Prudent. That's very helpful. 'Choosing not to say anything negative about them out loud whether alone or not' would be especially hard. I feel that doing so gets things out of my system as well as confronting them head-on about their behavior so we can move past it.

So in your dealing with this person, you chose not to vent. That's awesome! Do you think that your initial dislike towards him was returned? When did he start responding? I'm just trying to understand what motivated you to keep going. Thanks!

 

[Prudent1]

Thank you Prudent. That's very helpful. 'Choosing not to say anything negative about them out loud whether alone or not' would be especially hard. I feel that doing so gets things out of my system as well as confronting them head-on about their behavior so we can move past it.

So in your dealing with this person, you chose not to vent. That's awesome! Do you think that your initial dislike towards him was returned? When did he start responding? I'm just trying to understand what motivated you to keep going. Thanks!

Yea, the dislike was mutual. We just didn't hit it off for some reasonerplexed. I felt convicted so I started praying b/c while I liked my job, I didn't like my partner. We were paired together on every shift so it wasn't like he was someone I saw on occasion. He would make sarcastic comments when I would enter the office, when speaking to others (loud enough for me to hear him- you know about me but not directly to me), and when on the phone with others (again loud enough for me to hear him). My motivation was obedience to God. I was trying with everything in me to live peaceably, pray for an enemy, all that stuff. Woo hoo I wanted to go off on him so badly. I guess too I can say I was motivated by knowing that God was seeing me try to be obedient and believing that one way or another he was going to intervene and change my circumstances (which he did). God puts what I call 'sandpaper ppl' in our lives to rub us the wrong way. He is refining us through them. It is most unpleasant to go through but, when we endure we are better for it. I had to listen to sermons and quote many scriptures under my breath to stay calm. I vented some intially but b/c I understood the power of words, that's why I chose to be quiet vocally. Now mentally, that's another story. Though eventually I decided to not waste precious thoughts on "getting with" him either.
All of this took place over a period of about 18 months or so. There were a lot of shifts for me in between. The changes took place little by little. We can do it b/c we have the greater one on the inside of us.

You keep on praying. God will instruct you on how you need to handle your situation. I learned this guy had a barrier up around him and had some self esteem issues that made him come off as a jerk. Inside he was not.

 

[Laela]

How to Love the People You Don't Like - Wednesday, February 16th, 2011
As written and presented by Mary Whelchel

Since love is an action, what actions then are love actions? First Corinthians 13 is a good place to look for a list of love actions. They include:

Patience: When you act with patience toward someone, you are loving him or her. Keep in mind that love is not a feeling, so we don't have to feel patient. Can you remember acting with patience even when you did not feel patient? That is agape love.

Kindness: When you feel like saying something sarcastic or cutting or angry, but instead you say something kind, that is a love action.

Not Jealous: When you refuse to behave jealously or possessively, you are showing love.

Has Good Manners: Just plain courtesy is a love action. How often we forget good manners, like not interrupting others when they're talking, letting others go ahead of us, etc. Those are love actions.

Unselfish: Agape love acts in an unselfish manner, without pursuing selfish advantage or trampling over others in trying to get where you want to get. Remember, don't wait to feel unselfish; show your love by acting unselfishly.

Endurance: When other people have given up and left, agape love will still be there, hanging in with someone. It will endure all things. It will keep listening to someone, even when you think you cannot listen to another word from that person.

These are just a few of the many love actions available to us. And we can demonstrate these attitudes and actions toward people, whether we like them or not, by God's grace. Ask God to help you today to show love through your actions, even to that person you don't really like very much. Don't feel guilty about not liking them, just act toward them in loving ways, and watch what happens.

 

[Laela]

Yep, that is it in a nutshell.. and puts it all in perspective for me, too. The conviction will come, if I ever think I'm better than another. I remember seeing a bumper sticker that said, "You may be a child of God, but I'm His Favorite" That's another roll of tape to unfurl... but...I'll go at it anyway.. lol

David was a man after God's own heart ..literally..day and night, he sought after God's heart, so God loved him so. I believe everyone can have that level of relationship with God, but unfortunately not everyone does... still doesn't mean God doesn't love them. So Favor ...

"And remember, God loves those people you don't like just as much as he loves you."
Ahh yes... I remember the first time God's spirit convicted me of this very point. I didn't want to hear that at all. Learning that I could not be Sister Super Christian with my pious attitude when I knew there were some folks I would rather see going than coming. Yep, I had to learn that they were created fearfully and wonderfully by Him just like me... These lessons never end Thanks for sharing @Laela.

YW, Jinna... today's entry that I just posted, provides some practical answers. I just find Mary's articles to be thought-provoking. The endurance one is the one I have a challenge with at times, that I"ve asked God to enable me on, because we should never be weary in well-doing. I had to get to the point where I understand that there is SOMETHING good about EVERYONE that I run into in life. I'm not talking about not liking what they do/say...but that 'something' I can't put my finger on. That process may take some prayer, judging myself concerning them, and some moment to reflect. Bottom line, if I find myself not liking or having affection toward someone, Agape Love keeps any carnality in check for me to be able love them in spite of ...it's a refinement process. HTH!

Thanks for this Laela. I struggle too with this and it's so weird that I needed to hear this on Valentine's Day because of my feelings towards a coworker.

But I want to ask how can we show love then? What specific things should we decide to do to show them love even though we don't like them? Any examples/experience would be great.

 

[Shimmie]

Yep, that is it in a nutshell.. and puts it all in perspective for me, too. The conviction will come, if I ever think I'm better than another.

I remember seeing a bumper sticker that said, "You may be a child of God, but I'm His Favorite"

That's another roll of tape to unfurl... but...I'll go at it anyway.. lol

Heyyyyyyyyyyy, that's my bumper sticker. You found me, girl!



BTW: This is a wonderful thread topic and I can't think of anyone who has such a forgiving heart such as yours. You stuck by me... 'anyway'. :Rose:

 

[Laela]

That was you?! LL !

 

[Laela]

How to Love the People You Don't Like - Thursday, February 17th, 2011
As written and presented by Mary Whelchel

A prerequisite to developing love actions toward unlikable people is to pray for them. Sincerely, regularly pray for their welfare. Ask God to show you what love actions to take toward them. And pray for them. . . a lot! Jesus taught us to pray for our enemies, and those who despitefully use us.

Then, as you think about each of these people you don't like, decide which love actions would be appropriate for each one. Does one require a lot of patience? Does one require compassion or endurance? Then set your will to act with those love actions toward those people.

A good friend shared how God put her in a job with people she just didn't like very much. So, she applied for a promotion, looking forward to moving away from those people. The selection process narrowed down to her and one other person, but she didn't get the job. And at first, she was angry at not being selected, until she realized that God had left her in that job in order to teach her to love those people she didn't like.

So she began what she called 'Project Love,' and she looked for ways to develop relationships with those unlikable people. Her method was to invite them to have lunch with her, one per week. And she began to build bridges to these people and develop relationships with them. Of course, in doing that, she discovered they had burdens and problems, and they discovered that she was a caring person. A few months later she got that promotion she wanted, but she still keeps in touch with those unlikable people that she has now learned to love. Several of them have turned to her for help in troubled times.

What a good idea-Project Love. Maybe you could use her method, and start to find ways to reach out to those unlikable people with the love of Jesus Christ that is within you. What miracles we could see in our relationships if we'd do this more and more.

Abundant life is found when we die to ourselves. That's what we do when we determine to love people we don't really like. I encourage you to start today.

 

[lacreolegurl]

Thank for all of this! I'm struggling with this now.
I try to be a good friend, someone that can be counted on for anything. There is someone I sincerely want to care about...but they've said or done hurtful things...but try to cover it up with a "girl, I was just playing" kind of attitude that keeps me off guard. Lots of backhanded compliments...I even have others who've come back to me and told me intimate things that I shared with her. We get along, but I always feel like there is some underlying negativity or animosity towards me, and its 'transferring' to me, if that makes sense.
Several times, I've just thrown up the towel, but I really feel like God has put this person in my life to teach me...but my carnal nature keeps blocking me.
So, all that to say...thank you for this thread!

 

[SimplyBlessed]

I really needed this today OP esp as I'm sitting right here where I am now

Sent from my HTC Glacier using Long Hair Care Forum App

 

[Laela]

YW, ladies...be blessed!

Lacreolegurl, I hope that you pray and seek God's face about this, because He will surely direct your path. Who is to say what the purpose of that relationship is for you? Only God the Father can lead you ... I had to go through this concerning a friend, and I received His answer in a dream

Thank for all of this! I'm struggling with this now.
I try to be a good friend, someone that can be counted on for anything. There is someone I sincerely want to care about...but they've said or done hurtful things...but try to cover it up with a "girl, I was just playing" kind of attitude that keeps me off guard. Lots of backhanded compliments...I even have others who've come back to me and told me intimate things that I shared with her. We get along, but I always feel like there is some underlying negativity or animosity towards me, and its 'transferring' to me, if that makes sense.
Several times, I've just thrown up the towel, but I really feel like God has put this person in my life to teach me...but my carnal nature keeps blocking me.
So, all that to say...thank you for this thread!

I really needed this today OP esp as I'm sitting right here where I am now

Sent from my HTC Glacier using Long Hair Care Forum App

 

[Shimmie]

That was you?! LL !

Yep... I was doing this.

I'm one of them folks...

Love you, precious sister. You've gotten through some tough times and I was such a 'pill' that could not be swallowed.

This thread is truly your gift of love. This is your 'icon'. :Rose:

 

[Laela]

I love you as well, precious Shimmie.. :heart2:
My mind had been renewed by the Word of God concerning that 'pill', believe that....

Iron sharpens iron.... you do have the service gift of Teaching. Praises to the Most High for that!

:Rose:

Yep... I was doing this.

I'm one of them folks...

Love you, precious sister. You've gotten through some tough times and I was such a 'pill' that could not be swallowed.

This thread is truly your gift of love. This is your 'icon'. :Rose:

 

[Laela]

How to Love the People You Don't Like - Friday, February 18th, 2011
As written and presented by Mary Whelchel
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Instead of feeling guilty because you don't like certain people, acknowledge that they are not likable to you, but agree with God that you are willing to love them. Love them with his kind of love-agape love-which is an action, not a feeling.

It always helps to remember that we're often unlikable to God, yet he never stops loving us. And it is that kind of love that should overflow from our lives to others. When that happens-when others can see that we can love people who are not likable-we will have one of the strongest witnesses of God's grace we can ever have. You know if you can learn to love people you don't like, it has to be a miracle right from God. And that miracle in your life can cause others to be thirsty for the eternal water that Jesus offers, which they see demonstrated in your life.

Here's my suggestion: Make a plan to love those people you don't like. In fact, I'll provide you with a form to use that will help you translate this biblical principle into reality in your life. First, list the people you find it difficult to like. Include what it is about them that makes them unlikable to you. Then, choose one unlikable person per week to focus on. Pray for that specific person each day of that week. Pray for the things you see in their lives that make them so unlikable. Pray that God will help you to see and understand them the way he does. Pray for God's love to overflow from you to that person in some specific way sometime during the week.

If you will focus on one person per week and keep going through that list, what you'll discover is that God can even change your feelings toward them. But regardless, you will be showing love to those unlikable people, and the changes you will see in yourself will astound you.

You see, when you start learning to love them, they no longer have the ability to get to you like they used to. Oh, they may still have irritating habits and personalities, but they just will not bug you like before. It's amazing how that happens. You realize, 'Wow, I'm free from that awful dread of seeing them coming or having to deal with them, because even though I don't really like them, I really do love them the way Jesus does.'

Folks, this Bible stuff really works! I challenge you to try it and learn to love the people you don't like! What a miracle and what a testimony that will be for Jesus.

===============
Stay blessed Ladies... :Rose:

 

[LiciaB]

I really needed this, THANKS OP!

 

[Guitarhero]

From Fr. Joseph Pellegrino:

" I have to tell you once more that story I heard Fr. John Fullenbach, SVD relate regarding his time working with Blessed Mother Theresa in Calcutta. Long before Mother Theresa became an international celebrity, her work among the poorest

of the poor in Calcutta was known throughout the Church. Fr. John Fullenbach is a professor of ecclesiology in Rome. One year he had a lot of time between the semesters he was teaching, so he decided to go to India and work alongside Mother Theresa and her sisters. He relates that he felt very good about himself on the plane on the way to India. That feeling did not last one full day. The first day he went to volunteer, one of the sisters asked him to join her walking through a very difficult section of Calcutta. It was the place where the poorest were dropped off to die. When they got there, a frail woman begged the sister and Fr. Fullenbach to follow her. She led them to an elderly man, probably her husband, spending his last few days laying in filth. Fr. Fullenbach bent over the man to reassure him and tell him they would take him indoors to a comfortable place to rest. As he bent down, the man spit in Father’s face. True story. Fr. Fullenbach was furious. He came all the way from Rome for this? He was a famous theologian and author. But he swallowed hard, picked up the man and brought him to the empty warehouse the sisters had made into a hospice. It was nothing more than a huge room with cots. There Fr. Fullenbach cleaned the man and fed him. But the entire time he was angry that this man should behave so badly towards him. Fr. Fullenbach was being taught humility. It was more important for him to help the man than for the man to be grateful.

That was Fr. Fullenbach’s first lesson in encountering the Lord. His second would be more powerful. After the man went to sleep, Fr. Fullenbach went to a table where there were rags that had been cleaned and cut into strips to be used as bandages. He was asked to use his free time to roll them up. He was doing this for about a half hour when he heard a child start screaming. There in the opposite corner of the large room a young sister was trying to wash a ten year old girl. The poor little girl was covered with sores. She was standing in a tub and both hurting and angry. She kept hitting the sister, splashing the water at her and screaming and screaming. It all seemed rather useless to try to clean the child. Just then, Mother Theresa entered. She had heard the commotion. “Now we’ll see how holy the boss really is,” Fr. Fullenbach says he thought.

Mother Theresa walked over to where the child was and dismissed the young sister. The child looked at her and screamed and then soaked Mother Theresa with the bath water. Mother Theresa just stopped and looked at the child. She waited a little bit and then slowly walked closer and closer to the child. Then she reached out her arms and hugged the little girl. The child cried and cried. Mother Theresa kept holding her. After a long time, the child stopped crying. Mother Theresa then began to wash the little girl, cleaning her sores the whole time singing to her.

Mother Theresa had authority, and humility, and the power of Jesus Christ. She continually encountered Christ within others and within herself. The Life of Christ within us is a power that can transform the world. It is a power that can transform each of us. Mother Theresa and you and I experience this power when we act for the sole purpose of serving the Lord’s people.

We do what we do as Christians because that is who we are. We are given the power to make Christ present to others. We are given the gift of experiencing Christ in ourselves."

 

[Laela]

I'm glad this was a blessing to you.. God bless you, sis!

I really needed this, THANKS OP!

 

[Laela]

Thanks for posting that, Volver... This part is very powerful.

But the entire time he was angry that this man should behave so badly towards him. Fr. Fullenbach was being taught humility. It was more important for him to help the man than for the man to be grateful.

That was Fr. Fullenbach’s first lesson in encountering the Lord.

Now I"m inspired to post some Mother Theresa quotes...


The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.

There must be a reason why some people can afford to live well. They must have worked for it. I only feel angry when I see waste. When I see people throwing away things that we could use.

Each one of them is Jesus in disguise.

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.

If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.

If you want a love message to be heard, it has got to be sent out. To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it.

Intense love does not measure, it just gives.

Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.

Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.

Read more: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/mother_teresa.html#ixzz1EY3FZPwY
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[Shimmie]

Thanks for posting that, Volver... This part is very powerful.





Now I"m inspired to post some Mother Theresa quotes...


The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.

There must be a reason why some people can afford to live well. They must have worked for it. I only feel angry when I see waste. When I see people throwing away things that we could use.

Each one of them is Jesus in disguise.

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.

If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.

If you want a love message to be heard, it has got to be sent out. To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it.

Intense love does not measure, it just gives.

Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.

Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.

Read more: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/mother_teresa.html#ixzz1EY3FZPwY
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Awesome Words of Love.... especially the Smile is the beginning of Love... :Rose:

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

This is one of the hardest things to do not so much because people dont love back but its hard to give love to self.When you dont feel that your worthy of love its hard to issue it out without feeling bad when your effort isnt returned.Good topic op a very heavy topic

 

[anartist4u2001]

This is one of the hardest things to do not so much because people dont love back but its hard to give love to self.When you dont feel that your worthy of love its hard to issue it out without feeling bad when your effort isnt returned.Good topic op a very heavy topic

wow, so true!

 

[Laela]

Good point, GoddessMaker.... and I'm glad the post has been a blessing to you.

This is one of the hardest things to do not so much because people dont love back but its hard to give love to self.When you dont feel that your worthy of love its hard to issue it out without feeling bad when your effort isnt returned.Good topic op a very heavy topic

 

[Laela]

Know what? It's really sad in today's world, that people have to second-guess, scrutinize or not trust a smiling face.

If you frown or keep a poker face, you're 'normal'
If you smile, something's wrong with you... We know what that's all about, just the same, we'll keep smiling

:Rose:

Awesome Words of Love.... especially the Smile is the beginning of Love... :Rose: