How to let your guard down?

[jade998]

Hi Ladies

I have been working on myself and trying to be a better person. I haven't been in a realtionship in over a year and that time out has been the best thing I could have ever done for myself.

I have been hurt in the past and put up with things that most females would not put put up with. I have read the goddess thread and I am going to be applying that to me. To be fair, I am always scared that men will never fall for me and I have had issues with trying to hang on to men that talk to me, especially if he is cute because I am afraid that I will left on the self. It doesn't help that I am 28 and people are making me feel like I am pushing 60!

I really want to let my guard down and allow love to find me because I have placed this massive wall up and when a guys get close, I am literally too scared to move because I am sure he will be with me for 3 months and then leave, that usually happenes and after reading the LOA thread I understand what I was doing, but what can I practically do let my guard down and not hold people at arms lenght all the time. I sometimes feel I can be giving off a "leave me alone" vibe, when really I don't feel that way.

Does anyone understand and what did you do to let your guard down?

 

[ladylibra_30]

i think that first step is to trust yourself to make the best decisions for you.

guard your heart but remember that noone can do anything to you except that which you allow....you teach people how to treat you.

 

[MsKipani]

I agree. Trust yourself. Focus on the things you want rather than the things you don't want. So when you meet a guy, think about his positives and what he has that you like, rather than focusing on the bad. Trust your gut and listen to it carefully - know when to figure out whether or not you're suffering from paranoia or from good instincts. And don't focus on the 'what if's' - don't focus on things that haven't happened yet - take it day by day

 

[bluediamond0829]

ITA ^^^^^ i dont think you should let your guard down..

will i let my guard down---nope not at all--i put men to the test. I dont believe one dang thing that comes out of there mouths...i dont trust easily and maybe thats from being hurt in the past..but everyone doesnt have ur best interest in mind.

do things for yourself not for others...if you are scarred to move then you are not being a leader your waiting on him to give you the okay thats a big no..because in the end you end up getting hurt...because you are not going with what is best for you.

still have your restrictions and respect for yourself about dating still have respect for yourself make others treat you with respect.

Let that man know that you are not standing for any bs that he comes with. Beat him at his own game make him change the way he is talking and say hey i cant talk this way with her because she isnt trying to hear it or she isnt impressed with it...

let me give you a example: i met a guy thru a girlfriend of mine at a club(i dont usually exchange and talk to guys after the club)...but since he was cool with my girl i was like cool maybe we all could hang out(play cards go bowling etc) So already he starts at 2 am thinking that i want him to come over. Uh no bruh it aint even that type of party. Then yesterday we talk thru txt messaging he asks a question about whats the most wildest thing that ive ever done? now for one what is the 1st thing that comes to mind when a man asks a woman this..of course its something sexually. So i tell him i dont have anything that comes to mind(and basically i wouldnt share anythign like that with him because i just met him, and 2nd i dont think its none of his business)--so then he answers the question and of course it has all to do with some sexual experiences. Then he says he cant believe how i havent had any wild experiences. I told him the same #1. he is someone i dont know and barely know and #2. my experiences are just my experiences and what i want to keep to myself and not something i rather not share(no kissing and telling--what goes on behind closed doors stays behind closed doors)---so he's already turned me off and not really interested in anything else he has to say....so i wouldnt even think about hanging out with him at all..

So basically just follow your mind when it comes to what love is and where the love is coming from. And always question yourself about things i always do that if something doesnt seem right i ask myself the questions about it.
Girl i have so many examples of situations ive been in that it something just like what you are mentioning..

 

[jade998]

Thanks ladies (I was scared of no response)


I am learning to trust myself.. My problem is that I am a people pleaser and I am capable of taking what I know I shouldn't, just so people like me and so men like me. Basically, I have played the doormat for so long, that I feel really *****y if I start being assertive and will have that issue on my mind for a long time, till I convince myself, that maybe it is my fault.

I am getting better decisions wise, but I am aware that I have haboured a lot of pain from past relationship, but maybe for now I should use those experience as a guide, rather than worry about if people see me as tough or closed off.

 

[DarkAngell]

I was in the same boat. Put up with ALOT of things most wouldnt have with BF after BF. I havent been with anyone for about 2 years. In that time I was dating but didn't want to let anyone to close.

I came to the realization that there are things i want in life. I want family. I want a good husband and kids. This was always my ultimate goal in life.... what i realized was....how was i EVER gonna get this if i dont just keep on getting back on the horse? Fine i can say i was with alota bastards for a time....but when im 40 and look back.....i'd realize maybe it was also my fault for not giving the rest a chance.

Although i was so tired of being hurt and didn't want to deal with that anymore....I'm confident that since i've been through the ringer so much with men...when i REALLLLLY thought about it, there aren't many things that a man could do to hurt me that much anymore because of how much stronger i've become. Not to mention....the type of men that have hurt me also made me alittle wiser. I'll recognize that behavior from another man waaaay before he's close enough to hurt me.

But just tell yourself.. "self.....if you want a meaningful relationship..then you're just gonna have to put yourself out there. And you might get hurt...but you were strong enough in the past to survive it....and you're even stronger now and in the end you'll be alright"

I had to keep this in my mind. I didnt let my gaurd down completely b/c of course you have to protect yourself but I was able to at least LET myself grow feelings for someone.

But also consider this... the right guy is gonna naturally (eventually) get past those barriers of yours.And this is exactly what happened for me.

 

[locabouthair]

I agree. Trust yourself. Focus on the things you want rather than the things you don't want. So when you meet a guy, think about his positives and what he has that you like, rather than focusing on the bad. Trust your gut and listen to it carefully - know when to figure out whether or not you're suffering from paranoia or from good instincts. And don't focus on the 'what if's' - don't focus on things that haven't happened yet - take it day by day

Couldn't agree more!!

Jade I love your hair!

 

[jade998]

Couldn't agree more!!

Jade I love your hair!

Thank you - Learning to take care of it everyday.

Again thanks ladies - LilMorenita - I hope you last statement is true with me.

 

[Nefertiti0906]

I was in the same boat. Put up with ALOT of things most wouldnt have with BF after BF. I havent been with anyone for about 2 years. In that time I was dating but didn't want to let anyone to close.

I came to the realization that there are things i want in life. I want family. I want a good husband and kids. This was always my ultimate goal in life.... what i realized was....how was i EVER gonna get this if i dont just keep on getting back on the horse? Fine i can say i was with alota bastards for a time....but when im 40 and look back.....i'd realize maybe it was also my fault for not giving the rest a chance.

Although i was so tired of being hurt and didn't want to deal with that anymore....I'm confident that since i've been through the ringer so much with men...when i REALLLLLY thought about it, there aren't many things that a man could do to hurt me that much anymore because of how much stronger i've become. Not to mention....the type of men that have hurt me also made me alittle wiser. I'll recognize that behavior from another man waaaay before he's close enough to hurt me.

But just tell yourself.. "self.....if you want a meaningful relationship..then you're just gonna have to put yourself out there. And you might get hurt...but you were strong enough in the past to survive it....and you're even stronger now and in the end you'll be alright"

I had to keep this in my mind. I didnt let my gaurd down completely b/c of course you have to protect yourself but I was able to at least LET myself grow feelings for someone.

But also consider this... the right guy is gonna naturally (eventually) get past those barriers of yours.And this is exactly what happened for me.

I also think this is important to remember