How to forgive? (Especially when one commits the same offense repeatedly)

[mango387]

I know what the Bible teaches about forgiving. I also know that unforgiveness is affecting my life negatively. At the same time, I am having a difficult time letting "it" go. Have any of you been successful at forgiving people from mind-altering, life-changing events?

Sometimes, I am ready to let it go, but that person does the same thing again OR there is something there to remind me of the event.

How have you been able to move on and truly forgive?

 

[Poohbear]

"Fret not thyself because of evildoers, neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity. For they shall soon be cut down like the grass, and wither as the green herb." Psalms 37:1-2

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalms 46:10

"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

"But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:15

"For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them. Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." Matthew 18:20-22

"Let not your heart be troubled..." John 14:1

"Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." Romans 12:19

"...for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." Galatians 6:7

 

[lacreolegurl]

Forgiveness is extremely hard.
This year, I have been working to forgive people who have hurt me. One thing that really helped me is praying to God to help me see these individuals through His eyes. Once I sincerely began to do that and relinquished my pain and my hurt to Him, I was able to have empathy for the people who hurt me. He was able to reveal things to me to help me to do that. I began to pray for them. At first...woosah...I could barely get through it. But as I faithfully prayed for those individuals, something happened in me. I didn't want to hold on to the anger and bitterness anymore. It was blocking me and who I am meant to be.
I also had to remind myself that God forgives me daily for things I do and I know how desperately I want Him to do that. I had to have that mercy on others.
I have come a long way in that area...but I still have a long way to go.

Eta: Another thing I did was....I made a list of hurts someone inflicted. I mean I wrote it all down along with how it made me feel and I dealt with those emotions. It took a few weeks...I was serious. Then, I burnt that list. It was symbolic for me because I wanted to see it turn to ashes. At that point, it was released for me. It took a while and lots of prayer to get to that point. But it also helped me reflect on why I was holding on to some things.

 

[sidney]

I know what the Bible teaches about forgiving. I also know that unforgiveness is affecting my life negatively. At the same time, I am having a difficult time letting "it" go. Have any of you been successful at forgiving people from mind-altering, life-changing events?

Sometimes, I am ready to let it go, but that person does the same thing again OR there is something there to remind me of the event.

How have you been able to move on and truly forgive?

There is a difference between forgiving and submitting yourself to continual "abuse" in a relationship. Are you able to share more information?

 

[mango387]

Post deleted

 

[CoilyFields]

mango387
I've been in a situation where someone was repeatedly doing something on purpose (in part) to hurt me and I had no way of avoiding them or the situation. I know it was on purpose becuase they told me they knew they were wrong...but was doing it anyways because they wanted to...and they were a Christian!

It was very hurtful. And its hard to forgive someone who hurts you repeatedly on purpose. I kept thinking I had forgiven her...but really hadn't. I was holding on to the hurt and nurturing unforgivenss in the far recesses of my heart.

Ways I knew that I hadn't truly forgiven her in my heart:

1. I resented it when she was blessed. (This stuff went on for a year and in that time she got a new car, cash settlement etc.)

2. I wanted to tell other people what she had done so they wouldn't think that she was such a great person (though I didn't actually tell anything)

3. I wanted her to apologize to me.

4. I anticipated the vengence of God reigning down on her for the horrible things she was doing.

5. I could barely even look at her wthout getting upset!

I had to really pray to God to work on MY HEART. During that time I read a book (can't remember the name of it) about offense and studied forgiveness. Cuz I thought I had forgiven her but the above feelings lingered, different ones at different times.

Like @lacreolegurl described, when I started to MOURN my OWN sins in supplication to GOd...and recognized just how much mercy and forgiveness I needed because of the wicked DESIRES of my heart on a regular basis...then I was more inclined to have mercy on her.

I had to give up wanting her punished for her sins. Thats mercy. I had to give up my self-righteous stance (not to be confused with me knowing that I was blameless...because this situation was completely of her making) where because I am "right" I get to look down on her or expect her to fulfill my expectations of her repentence. I wanted her tried, sentenced, and punished for her sins (all because it was against ME)...but looked for mercy for myself in other areas. Hypocrite! It was hard but I had to realize that we are BOTH guilty of the whole law and BOTH needed salvation and were BOTH only saved by God's grace.

I had to realize that her sins where primarily an affront against God and that I should not pray that she apologize to me but that her relationship with God is restored to where HE wants her to be. I had to BEAR THAT BURDEN because she was overtaken in a fault. THIS IS NOT EASY...but its NECESSARY...and its WORTH IT. THis is how Jesus loves us. To be loving (not fake) when love is not offered. To cultivate kindness when kindness is witheld. To understand that she is weak in this area...which means she has a need that only God can fulfil...Im just a byproduct in her struggle against the will of God and the rule of her flesh. I had to stop taking it so personal...and that didnt make sense to me at first...but eventually I was able to see her attacks as an physical show of an spiritual need.

How I know that I had forgiven her completely:

1. I can say hi without her sins replaying in my head (though we are not friends we do come into contact regularly). Note: there is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from abuse or certain people...but distance should never be mistaken for forgiveness.

2. I MOURNED (prayed for her and cried and asked her if she needed anything) when she actually reaped the consequences of her sins (And they were life-changing!)

3. When she eventually apologized...well after I forgave her...two years after the issue...I told her there was no need, I had already forgiven her. And I didnt gloat.

If you REALLY want to forgive someone and you are finding it hard...seek God. He has taught us a lot in his word about forgiveness and he will deal with our hearts in prayer. After all...he did say that not only is he faithful to forgive us but that he will cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness...which includes holding unforgiveness in our hearts.

 

[mango387]

mango387
I've been in a situation where someone was repeatedly doing something on purpose (in part) to hurt me and I had no way of avoiding them or the situation. I know it was on purpose becuase they told me they knew they were wrong...but was doing it anyways because they wanted to...and they were a Christian!

It was very hurtful. And its hard to forgive someone who hurts you repeatedly on purpose. I kept thinking I had forgiven her...but really hadn't. I was holding on to the hurt and nurturing unforgivenss in the far recesses of my heart.

Ways I knew that I hadn't truly forgiven her in my heart:

1. I resented it when she was blessed. (This stuff went on for a year and in that time she got a new car, cash settlement etc.)

2. I wanted to tell other people what she had done so they wouldn't think that she was such a great person (though I didn't actually tell anything)

3. I wanted her to apologize to me.

4. I anticipated the vengence of God reigning down on her for the horrible things she was doing.

5. I could barely even look at her wthout getting upset!

I had to really pray to God to work on MY HEART. During that time I read a book (can't remember the name of it) about offense and studied forgiveness. Cuz I thought I had forgiven her but the above feelings lingered, different ones at different times.

Like @lacreolegurl described, when I started to MOURN my OWN sins in supplication to GOd...and recognized just how much mercy and forgiveness I needed because of the wicked DESIRES of my heart on a regular basis...then I was more inclined to have mercy on her.

I had to give up wanting her punished for her sins. Thats mercy. I had to give up my self-righteous stance (not to be confused with me knowing that I was blameless...because this situation was completely of her making) where because I am "right" I get to look down on her or expect her to fulfill my expectations of her repentence. I wanted her tried, sentenced, and punished for her sins (all because it was against ME)...but looked for mercy for myself in other areas. Hypocrite! It was hard but I had to realize that we are BOTH guilty of the whole law and BOTH needed salvation and were BOTH only saved by God's grace.

I had to realize that her sins where primarily an affront against God and that I should not pray that she apologize to me but that her relationship with God is restored to where HE wants her to be. I had to BEAR THAT BURDEN because she was overtaken in a fault. THIS IS NOT EASY...but its NECESSARY...and its WORTH IT. THis is how Jesus loves us. To be loving (not fake) when love is not offered. To cultivate kindness when kindness is witheld. To understand that she is weak in this area...which means she has a need that only God can fulfil...Im just a byproduct in her struggle against the will of God and the rule of her flesh. I had to stop taking it so personal...and that didnt make sense to me at first...but eventually I was able to see her attacks as an physical show of an spiritual need.

How I know that I had forgiven her completely:

1. I can say hi without her sins replaying in my head (though we are not friends we do come into contact regularly). Note: there is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from abuse or certain people...but distance should never be mistaken for forgiveness.

2. I MOURNED (prayed for her and cried and asked her if she needed anything) when she actually reaped the consequences of her sins (And they were life-changing!)

3. When she eventually apologized...well after I forgave her...two years after the issue...I told her there was no need, I had already forgiven her. And I didnt gloat.

If you REALLY want to forgive someone and you are finding it hard...seek God. He has taught us a lot in his word about forgiveness and he will deal with our hearts in prayer. After all...he did say that not only is he faithful to forgive us but that he will cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness...which includes holding unforgiveness in our hearts.

CoilyFields, This was sooooo helpful. sidney, thank you for the pm. I AM guilty of unforgiveness towards certain people/situations. Is it just me or do some of you find it easier to forgive certain major things or certain people and not others? Anyway, I rarely go to Sunday School, but I am going this Sunday. The lesson includes this issue, so I will study this more.

 

[CoilyFields]

@CoilyFields, This was sooooo helpful. @sidney, thank you for the pm. I AM guilty of unforgiveness towards certain people/situations. Is it just me or do some of you find it easier to forgive certain major things or certain people and not others? Anyway, I rarely go to Sunday School, but I am going this Sunday. The lesson includes this issue, so I will study this more.

I'm glad I could assist sis!

And you are right!! It is easier to forgive certain things/people but others are a serious struggle. Usually its based on how close they are to us and/or the degree of hurt associated with the "crime" they committed.

 

[Lissa0821]

I was just talking to one of my co-workers about this same subject. I have a hard, hard time with my sister's husband. In my eyes he has a vile and disgusting spirit due to the fact that he is an alcoholic and comes from a household of abuse between his mother and father. At first, out of respect to my sister I would tolerate him and his vocal opinion of me (which isn't very nice to say the least) for the peace of the family. But I think that was a mistake because over the years he has become more brazen. It is to the point, I refuse to be in the same room or area with him if I can help, which means I visit my sister maybe once a month.

Well, we have a trip planned to visit my mother's hometown once my niece (my brother's daughter) is in town. My sister let me know that her husband wants to come along. I instantly got sick to my stomach because I know how rude, nasty and vulgar he can be around our family members at time. My sister excuses his behavior and says he is just drunk, don't pay him any mind but I can see the calculating looks he gets on his face before he shows his behind.

I was telling my co-worker that I have to figure out how to pray and forgive him now because I am wasting time being upset about him coming along. He is still drinking and fussing and fighting with my sister even to this day, the last concern on his mind is what I think so why waste the energy.

I know if I let it go, I would be able to see him through God's eyes instead of my hurt feelings.

I don't have an answer to the question other than to pray for the person, forgive and make every effort to cast down negative thoughts that come up in your mind about the person. It is not easy to do in the beginning but you (and I) will be pleasing to God in the end.

I think I just ministered to myself with this response.

 

[CoilyFields]

I was just talking to one of my co-workers about this same subject. I have a hard, hard time with my sister's husband. In my eyes he has a vile and disgusting spirit due to the fact that he is an alcoholic and comes from a household of abuse between his mother and father. At first, out of respect to my sister I would tolerate him and his vocal opinion of me (which isn't very nice to say the least) for the peace of the family. But I think that was a mistake because over the years he has become more brazen. It is to the point, I refuse to be in the same room or area with him if I can help, which means I visit my sister maybe once a month.

Well, we have a trip planned to visit my mother's hometown once my niece (my brother's daughter) is in town. My sister let me know that her husband wants to come along. I instantly got sick to my stomach because I know how rude, nasty and vulgar he can be around our family members at time. My sister excuses his behavior and says he is just drunk, don't pay him any mind but I can see the calculating looks he gets on his face before he shows his behind.

I was telling my co-worker that I have to figure out how to pray and forgive him now because I am wasting time being upset about him coming along. He is still drinking and fussing and fighting with my sister even to this day, the last concern on his mind is what I think so why waste the energy.

I know if I let it go, I would be able to see him through God's eyes instead of my hurt feelings.

I don't have an answer to the question other than to pray for the person, forgive and make every effort to cast down negative thoughts that come up in your mind about the person. It is not easy to do in the beginning but you (and I) will be pleasing to God in the end.

I think I just ministered to myself with this response.

^^^Thats the best! When you help yourself while trying to help others.

One thing to keep in mind is that the enemy loves confusion and its HIS purpose (using your brother-in-law) to keep you out of character...that is, exhibiting the character of Christ. So just see his attempts, recognize them for what they are, and react how Christ would.

The fiery darts of the enemy are like moquito bites...the more you entertain them the larger and more irritating they get. But if you ignore them and go about your business (which is extrememly hard at first) they will eventually go away. Once satan sees that he can't ruffle your feathers through your brother-in-law he will stop using him. And hopefully you will have won a soul for Christ through your love.

 

[Lissa0821]

^^^Thats the best! When you help yourself while trying to help others.

One thing to keep in mind is that the enemy loves confusion and its HIS purpose (using your brother-in-law) to keep you out of character...that is, exhibiting the character of Christ. So just see his attempts, recognize them for what they are, and react how Christ would.

The fiery darts of the enemy are like moquito bites...the more you entertain them the larger and more irritating they get. But if you ignore them and go about your business (which is extrememly hard at first) they will eventually go away. Once satan sees that he can't ruffle your feathers through your brother-in-law he will stop using him. And hopefully you will have won a soul for Christ through your love.

I agree with you 100% and am willing to do what needs to be done. I don't want this to be stumbling block in my walk with God.