How to Deal: Being released from a godparent relationshipn (Kinda long)

[PaperClip]

Briefly, about five years ago, a sister at church that I had a marginal relationship with asked me to be a godmother to her new daughter. I say the relationship started as marginal because as I came into the church, she left out of the church and went into the world for almost 20 years. When she came back to the church, we became reacquainted. We're a year apart. She has three children total. I'm single, sexy, and free (got that phrase from a singles brunch I went to over the weekend)....

I didn't take any time to seek God about whether or not I should be a godparent but I was excited to be asked and I wanted to be a positive influence and all that.... As time progressed, I found out that the sister had asked two other women to be godmothers as well (these other two were married w/children). Anyhoo, I got very close to this sister, her new daughter and family and because I was single w/no responsibilities, I really went overboard in buying things for the baby...I really enjoyed dressing the baby up like a little doll. I also became very involved in being very vocal about the baby's education and what kinds of things should be happening in the home to prepare the baby for school. (The baby is now five years old). Over the five years, I would go through cycles where I would get SO UPSET with the mother because of the lack of attention to the baby with regard to education and just regular things. I should add that the mother had has some major health challenges. It got to the point that I was so critical and judgemental and at the same time passionate about the health, education, safety and welfare of the child (that I did not give birth to...). I realized that I was imposing my values on this child/mother/family and that I had become so overbearing. I asked the mother on more than one occasion to be released from this arrangement and the mother would always say "no" because she said God told her to ask me/that I was to be the child's godmother. I said that it could very well be that the Lord told her that but that God has to speak to me about it but I didn't even ask the Lord about whether or not I should do it and now, in retrospect, I see that we do not agree on major things, including the role of a godmother. At times I felt like I was asked to be a godmother because I had more so-called dispensible income and that since it was just me, there would be no competition with other children, like in the case of the other godmothers. Here's an example of this: the child's birthday was in mid-June so the mother calls me (we're not as close/spending as much time together between me in school and some other circumstances on their part) and asks if I had any ideas about a child's birthday party. She added that she wasn't asking for monetary reasons. I said that I had not thought about any ideas because of school and to myself I'm like my children aren't here yet for me to be thinking about such things). And I asked her to keep me posted on b-day plans so I could know where to show up with my gift for the child. Then when I asked the Sunday before the child's birthday, I was told that they would have a cake at the daycare and then the day of the birthday, I was told that nothing was going to be done for the child's birthday. I did meet up at the daycare to give my present.

So this past June, I had become so frustrated with the situation and I did ask the Lord about how to get out of this arrangement or at least pull back so I could have some peace instead of being angry and upset whenever I thought about the situation. So I told the mother that I had to talk to her and I asked her to forgive me for being constantly judgemental and critical and I asked to be released from being the godparent because it's become so upsetting for me and we don't agree on the basic things and that I don't know how I can help, esp. since I'm not a parent. She said that she couldn't release me and that's when I said that she could because she was the one that the agreement was with, not God. I explained that this shouldn't be so hard for me to do this and that I would still be there for birthdays and stuff and of course she didn't have to tell the child to stop calling me "godmommy".... So the mom finally said "I release you" and I felt like a burden lifted and that I don't feel obligated....

Every so often I think about how I could have handled this better.... I wonder if I'm feeling guilt or shame or selfishness.... I haven't spoken to the mom or child since this incident and I haven't seen them at church since that day, either. I do pray for the family that all is well....

What else can I do? Is there anything else I should do?

 

[StrawberryQueen]

I don't even know what to tell you. I didn't know this was something you could be "released" from.

A lesson learned, nonetheless. All I can say is provide the most non-judgemental outside help to the child that you possibly can.

 

[cutiebe2]

I think you did the right thing. It takes a brave person to say "I made a mistake" "I rushed into things"..plus if you had continued things might have ended with arguments and bad feelings. If you continue to be interested in the child then I think that show something to the parents

 

[cabellera]

Hi there!

My first question to you is..."What's your definition of a god parent?"

You'd be surprised as to how the definition differs among people. My definition would put a god parent right under an actual relative, like an Uncle or Aunt. In an event of the parents DEATH, the god parent would come in to raise the child. Of course one would expect the god parent to be in the child's life, but never to "parent" the child while the parents are alive. There are boundaries between parent and child, that even god parents shouldn't cross. Take it from an Aunt that crossed the boundaries and you can't get released from blood.

What the Lord showed me is that I WAS NOT THE PARENT, the child had parents. Once I came to this realization, I was set free. I didn't have to go to my Sister and say "RELEASE ME," she didn't have that power. I'd put myself into that boundage.....that it was all up to me to see to the well being of her child and of course for the parents to hold up to MY STANDARDS of child rearing. I don't have any children either! LOL! Things got heated at times. Many a night my stomach was in knots from my frustration. However, I've set myself free. No, not by getting out from the child's life, but by setting the renewed perimeters for myself in my relationship with that child and how I support that child.

My Guidance doesn't come unless its asked for
My great gifts at birthdays, graduations and events.
Of course, my money! LOL! When the child truly needs it and when I can give from my abundance.

The child is now 18 and college bound. He picks up the phone when he needs money or advice on how he and his parents fill out college paperwork or something like that.

As for the rest of my sister's children, these perimeters work well too. I wish their parents good health and long life, because they can be some rowdy kids sometimes and I definitely wouldn't want to raise them. Sorry, I like being "sexy, single and FREE!"

So, my advise to you is to simply relax, back off in imposing too much of your "co-parenting" on the child's very live parent and enjoy continuing developing a relationship with the child. Enjoy your singles club, work, life in general because the Mother obviously saw someone and still sees someone that she respects and trust in an event of her death to raise her child. Now THAT is an HONORABLE position to hold.

 

[PaperClip]

Hi there!

My first question to you is..."What's your definition of a god parent?"

You'd be surprised as to how the definition differs among people. My definition would put a god parent right under an actual relative, like an Uncle or Aunt. In an event of the parents DEATH, the god parent would come in to raise the child. Of course one would expect the god parent to be in the child's life, but never to "parent" the child while the parents are alive. There are boundaries between parent and child, that even god parents shouldn't cross. Take it from an Aunt that crossed the boundaries and you can't get released from blood.

What the Lord showed me is that I WAS NOT THE PARENT, the child had parents. Once I came to this realization, I was set free. I didn't have to go to my Sister and say "RELEASE ME," she didn't have that power. I'd put myself into that boundage.....that it was all up to me to see to the well being of her child and of course for the parents to hold up to MY STANDARDS of child rearing. I don't have any children either! LOL! Things got heated at times. Many a night my stomach was in knots from my frustration. However, I've set myself free. No, not by getting out from the child's life, but by setting the renewed perimeters for myself in my relationship with that child and how I support that child.

My Guidance doesn't come unless its asked for
My great gifts at birthdays, graduations and events.
Of course, my money! LOL! When the child truly needs it and when I can give from my abundance.

The child is now 18 and college bound. He picks up the phone when he needs money or advice on how he and his parents fill out college paperwork or something like that.

As for the rest of my sister's children, these perimeters work well too. I wish their parents good health and long life, because they can be some rowdy kids sometimes and I definitely wouldn't want to raise them. Sorry, I like being "sexy, single and FREE!"

So, my advise to you is to simply relax, back off in imposing too much of your "co-parenting" on the child's very live parent and enjoy continuing developing a relationship with the child. Enjoy your singles club, work, life in general because the Mother obviously saw someone and still sees someone that she respects and trust in an event of her death to raise her child. Now THAT is an HONORABLE position to hold.

Um... where have YOU BEEN?!!??!?! This is EXACTLY what I wish I knew and could articulate for the past four and a half years! My goodness! I thank the Lord for your post (I appreciate all the posts!)

My definition of a godparent was that I was to help in the spiritual aspects of child-rearing which could be manifested as taking them to healthy events, movies, cultivating an atmosphere of healthy behaviors... and doing the fun stuff like movies, buying frilly clothes and gifts, etc. I ended up paying for some necessities (which I thank God I had the money to do). The mother's definition of a godmother (or what she thought I was to do) was to be a second mother. I was even asked to be named officially in case something happened to the mother--she had been in a major health challenge when this came up. I declined because as a full-time student, unmarried, in an apt., I felt that I clearly was not ready or prepared for such a big responsibility, esp. as the other godmothers were married, were already mothers, had homes, and were more stable than I was.

In terms of being "released" and all that, it probably wasn't necessary in the big scheme of things but I just felt like that was something needed to be done...kinda like getting it settled in the universe (shrug)

cabellera, everything you said spoke to what I had been experiencing. I appreciate your three points re. guidance, great gifts, and money when needed. I also need to say that the mother was understanding. After we had that conversation, she hugged me and said she still loved me.