How to avoid scaring them away?

[Glib Gurl]

This might sound strange, but hear me out - do you ever get the sense that many "good black men" are going out of their way NOT to be seen? Like diverting their eyes or turning their heads so as to avoid eye contact? Like they're afraid that you, as a black woman, will pounce on them once you get within arm's length? (On the one hand, I think it's incredibly rude. On the other hand, I can sorta empathize . . . I do something similar when a homeless dude or somebody looks like he's going to approach me. And, I'm sure because there is so much competition out here most men feel like they're constantly being approached by women and have to make it clear when they're not interested.)

 

[Bunny77]

You know, I can see that to some extent... especially since too, many women are now being encouraged to pursue men... "some" "good black men" who are just trying to pick up their drycleaning or get some milk might be wondering why that single black chick is staring him down so hard.

(I'm speaking from experience... I was TRYING to be polite by smiling at a brotha in Au Bon Pain and saying hi... he averted his gaze most times. Then a white chick walked in and walked up to him and he was all smiles... maybe that was his girlfriend and he was trying not to "encourage" me. Who knows.)

I don't think this is super common though.

 

[Glib Gurl]

You know, I can see that to some extent... especially since too, many women are now being encouraged to pursue men... "some" "good black men" who are just trying to pick up their drycleaning or get some milk might be wondering why that single black chick is staring him down so hard.

(I'm speaking from experience... I was TRYING to be polite by smiling at a brotha in Au Bon Pain and saying hi... he averted his gaze most times. Then a white chick walked in and walked up to him and he was all smiles... maybe that was his girlfriend and he was trying not to "encourage" me. Who knows.)

I don't think this is super common though.

First thank you for understanding what I am trying to say - I was afraid someone was going to come in here and be like, "What are you talking about? Why are you so negative?"

As for the bold, uh, it happens to me more often than not In fact, I'm surprised when it DOESN'T happen . . . I've just stopped making eye contact altogether

As for the ABP situation, something very similar happened to my BFF. She went to a happy hour and tried approaching these brothas who gave her the cold shoulder, but lit up when Becky walked by

 

[JustKiya]

:scratchch

Interesting. If I make eyecontact with anyone, and they avoid my glance, I make an effort to not make eye contact with them again. It's not about 'scaring' them off, it's that they have clearly indicated (by avoiding eye contact) that they aren't, for whatever reason, interested.

The reason might have something to do with you - and it just as easily could be all about him. *shrug*

Ain't worth wasting no time trying to figure out which it is, because while one is fretting over the man who refused to look you in the eye, you might be missing the man who is trying to catch your attention.

 

[JadeFox]

First thank you for understanding what I am trying to say - I was afraid someone was going to come in here and be like, "What are you talking about? Why are you so negative?"

As for the bold, uh, it happens to me more often than not In fact, I'm surprised when it DOESN'T happen . . . I've just stopped making eye contact altogether

As for the ABP situation, something very similar happened to my BFF. She went to a happy hour and tried approaching these brothas who gave her the cold shoulder, but lit up when Becky walked by

Glib, this is quite common in the DC area.

 

[JustKiya]

Glib, this is quite common in the DC area.

The epicenter of black gay America? Yah, that's no surprise, there.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Interesting. If I make eyecontact with anyone, and they avoid my glance, I make an effort to not make eye contact with them again. It's not about 'scaring' them off, it's that they have clearly indicated (by avoiding eye contact) that they aren't, for whatever reason, interested.

The reason might have something to do with you - and it just as easily could be all about him. *shrug*

Ain't worth wasting no time trying to figure out which it is, because while one is fretting over the man who refused to look you in the eye, you might be missing the man who is trying to catch your attention.

So true!

Great post!

 

[kandake]

This hasn't been my experience. Actually, I'm the one who's desperately trying to avoid eye-contact for fear that the guy will pounce.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Glib, this is quite common in the DC area.

Well, then, I'm, glad it's not (just ) me

 

[Bunny77]

As for the bold, uh, it happens to me more often than not In fact, I'm surprised when it DOESN'T happen . . . I've just stopped making eye contact altogether

Hmm... that's interesting! Maybe it's a regional thing... one thing I do have to say about Detroit, crazy as it is, black men don't really try to avoid black women!

As for the ABP situation, something very similar happened to my BFF. She went to a happy hour and tried approaching these brothas who gave her the cold shoulder, but lit up when Becky walked by

That happened to me in NYC, which is making me think too that there's definitely some regional aspect to it! The thing is, I wasn't even all into that dude... he was cute and I was just trying to be warm and open to potential conversation since we were both sitting by ourselves eating some soup. Whatever... I'm just mad that he thought I might have been sprung over him or something. Ugh.

 

[kandake]

Glib do you live in California? From what I've read on this board I can see that happening to the Cali. ladies.

 

[Glib Gurl]

Glib do you live in California? From what I've read on this board I can see that happening to the Cali. ladies.

Nope - DC area . . . .

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

IMO, a male who is actually "scared away" by a woman merely looking or talking to him is not really a "man" at all in MY eyes...

 

[kandake]

Maybe they are married or otherwise attached.

 

[Carrie A]

Glib, this is quite common in the DC area.

I use to notice this too and I didn't think I stared down men or anything. But I noticed the glancing away at times - like when passing through the same isle or something. There could be a million reasons for that or it could be random. I've given up on trying to analyze and it does not reflect on me. When I stopped trying to analyze it as somehow related to me, I stopped noticing it. Does that make sense?

 

[Glib Gurl]

When I stopped trying to analyze it as somehow related to me, I stopped noticing it. Does that make sense?

girl, yes and I am about to employ that method

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

I've have yet to have this happen to me or even see it happening. Normally, the men I see are damn near trying to either stare me down or another girl. Shoot, I wish a man would look away then I would feel a little bit better. Maybe they are shy, are used to having women approaching everywhere they go, already have a girlfriend, just so many reasons.

 

[JadeFox]

let me elaborate, i was feeling too lazy earlier..

it has more to the political nature of dc and how ppl carry themselves here. first of all, ppl are not that friendly here to begin with, so even simple eye contact, intentional or not, can be misconstrued as flirting.

there are a lot of highly educated well-to-do people, a LOT of single ppl and even more single women and even more thirsty women. so any man worth checking in the dc area have more than their fair share of women to pick from. women here aren't afraid to flirt and step to a man, so anytime they see a ringless black woman they always think the woman is interested even if they're not.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

This might sound strange, but hear me out - do you ever get the sense that many "good black men" are going out of their way NOT to be seen? Like diverting their eyes or turning their heads so as to avoid eye contact? Like they're afraid that you, as a black woman, will pounce on them once you get within arm's length? (On the one hand, I think it's incredibly rude. On the other hand, I can sorta empathize . . . I do something similar when a homeless dude or somebody looks like he's going to approach me. And, I'm sure because there is so much competition out here most men feel like they're constantly being approached by women and have to make it clear when they're not interested.)

and to keep you away from their phone...

Seriously though maybe its a regional thing. Cause down here in Texas babay...its totally reverse. They will stare you down...

 

[LisaLisa1908]

I'm trying to think if I've ever encountered this. Not here, but in DC? Yeah. It's weird. It's like that to an extent in Atlanta too; I chalk it up to a "defensive" mechanism. MOST of the time I want to be like dude, ain't nobody checking for you THAT hard, but whatever.

Bunny's right. Detroit is crazy, but dudes are pretty pro-Black Woman here for the most part.

 

[gabulldawg]

I see it happen every now and then, but like others have said I don't concern myself with it and don't take it personal (anymore ). I've also seen where a guy will constantly try to catch my eye and then look away multiple times! A lot of guys (particularly in Atlanta) are used to women pursuing them, and think they are too fine/sexy/hot/good/successful to approach a woman. So sometimes I think it has to do with a guy trying to make you approach him. Maybe an ego-booster thing? Other times I guess they just aren't interested. Who knows? I don't concern myself with that anymore...

Like others have already said, focus more on guys that are catching your eye. Don't worry about people that probably aren't too worried about you. Don't miss out on Mr. Right because you are so focused on Mr. Wrong!

 

[JadeFox]

and to keep you away from their phone...

Seriously though maybe its a regional thing. Cause down here in Texas babay...its totally reverse. They will stare you down...

i was in houston briefly this summer and noticed the stare downs, i was like dag, i need to move, lol

 

[Kneechay]

and to keep you away from their phone...

Seriously though maybe its a regional thing. Cause down here in Texas babay...its totally reverse. They will stare you down...

I'll have to agree with MrsArianna, it's totally the opposite here in Texas. You look a dude in the eye and a few minutes later when you turn around, he's already sidled behind you trying to push up on you. I dont think there's a shortage of Black women in Houston or in Texas, but it seems men, (even attractive ones) are thirsty. I've been to DC before and I didn't notice what OP mentioned, but I'm leaning towards it being a regional thing.

I have a few friends in DC in school and just working and they make mention of the shortage and one even said something about her feeling rejected when she went to some spot. This is weird, and I'm interested in seeing if this happens in any other areas, I wonder if there's a common denominator with this phenomenon

 

[myronnie]

I've experienced both actually.
Most of the time I will accidently make eye contact with a guy and all of a sudden they stop and try to talk to me..
Some of the time guys just look away
I think it depends if they have a girlfriend or not..or if they're looking for something..

 

[Duchesse]

That's interesting. I've only noticed that quick look away look when I notice that the mans woman/wife is nearby. It may indeed be regional. I know in NYC I avoid making eye contact with most men. It seems like once you do, they get that excited puppy look, or may try to start a conversation (assuming they are interested in you).

 

[Ms Red]

I've had it happen in DC too... but not so much in TX...

 

[vevster]

This might sound strange, but hear me out - do you ever get the sense that many "good black men" are going out of their way NOT to be seen? Like diverting their eyes or turning their heads so as to avoid eye contact? Like they're afraid that you, as a black woman, will pounce on them once you get within arm's length? (On the one hand, I think it's incredibly rude. On the other hand, I can sorta empathize . . . I do something similar when a homeless dude or somebody looks like he's going to approach me. And, I'm sure because there is so much competition out here most men feel like they're constantly being approached by women and have to make it clear when they're not interested.)

I HAVE noticed this....

 

[simone103]

I live in the DC area as well, but I've never encountered nor have I noticed BM looking away.

 

[inthepink]

I've noticed this with men of all races but it doesn't bother me too much anymore. If he's not interested, that's fine. I'd rather be with someone who IS interested. Still, back when I did notice it more, I would feel a slight "sting."