How to avoid scaring them away - part deux

[Glib Gurl]

In the 2010 Relationship Goals thread, Duchesse said something that really resonated with me:

My goals are to have no goals. Last year, I was convinced that I would meet "The One". What did I do? Approach every man that I dated with the mindset of "is it him, is it him?" Killed all the fun out of dating. I'm embracing getting my money and career together and approaching dating with a light heart and no expectations (this is what I hope to do).

I think many of us agree that while it's nice to "not look" you have to be deliberate when you decide that you want to meet someone and get married. (Thank you, Bunny77 ) But, I find that I have NO kind of poker face and I tend to come onto men the same way that Duchesse describes above. It's like when I meet a man who so much as looks at me funny and at least somewhat seems to meet my criteria, my thought process immediately goes into overdrive and I find myself asking him telepathically, "Will YOU be the one who makes my dreams come true?"

Who else does this? Better yet, who else USED TO do this and has learned not to pin her hopes on every dude that opens a door or smiles at her?

 

[tiara76]

when you realize that YOU are the one you are looking for and YOU make your dreams come true, you will stop looking for somebody else to do that for you and then you can focus on relaxing and enjoying life and be open to someone to come in and share in your dreams with you and they share their life with you

and the only men who will be "scared" away are those who aren't in good places themselves and won't be able to share with and in happiness with you...so you just let them go..you won't have to do anything but be yourself

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

In the 2010 Relationship Goals thread, Duchesse said something that really resonated with me:



I think many of us agree that while it's nice to "not look" you have to be deliberate when you decide that you want to meet someone and get married. (Thank you, Bunny77 ) But, I find that I have NO kind of poker face and I tend to come onto men the same way that Duchesse describes above. It's like when I meet a man who so much as looks at me funny and at least somewhat seems to meet my criteria, my thought process immediately goes into overdrive and I find myself asking him telepathically, "Will YOU be the one who makes my dreams come true?"

Who else does this? Better yet, who else USED TO do this and has learned not to pin her hopes on every dude that opens a door or smiles at her?

and I believe they actually receive the signals....I have a friend who does this and she hates to hear the truth about it...hmmm....*takes note to remind her again *...I will say she is working on it and she has been advising that she is trying to learn the following...So far she had a 3rd date and we'll see....

A. SLOW DOWN...Men in general are shy of commitment so if he's feeling damn...after taking her out she's acting like were married you can put money on it he won't call or be heard from again. Chill, don't be in a rush if he likes you he ain't going nowhere...That's why its called courting/dating so you get to know each other well enough to see if ya'll are compatible...Take your time...

B. HAVE A LIFE...Yeah, I said it...You don't have to be available every single minute that he contacts you...be doing something so that he feels that you have a life and won't try to just revolve around him. Ninjas can sense a needy/desperate female and either they are going to play your card or just leave you alone. You can bet ya dollar that he had a life before you...he played ball after work with his guys before and he will do this after...Find things to do yourself...pickup/learn new hobbies, try to network (meet friends/co-workers after work), go out and have fun...and I mean its just so much other things to do besides waiting all day on a man.

C. WORK ON YOURSELF- Self-esteem, confidence, trust issues, personal finances, body-image and etc...work em out...

 

[Bunny77]

Hi Glib!

You know what worked for me? Dating A LOT of men. I don't mean getting involved with them, but going on a lot of dates. I think if you have, say, one date every blue moon, it's easy to get your hopes up and pin them on that one dude. If you date regularly, you start to get the attitude that men are a dime a dozen, and "the one" will separate himself from the masses. You just have to sit back and watch it happen, but while you're waiting to see if it will happen, you're getting ready for your next date!

 

[Glib Gurl]

Hi Glib!

You know what worked for me? Dating A LOT of men. I don't mean getting involved with them, but going on a lot of dates. I think if you have, say, one date every blue moon, it's easy to get your hopes up and pin them on that one dude. If you date regularly, you start to get the attitude that men are a dime a dozen, and "the one" will separate himself from the masses. You just have to sit back and watch it happen, but while you're waiting to see if it will happen, you're getting ready for your next date!

I think you are right!

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

I think you are right!

Uh, ma'am...we suggested that 3 threads ago... But Bunny's right...get that experience girl, loosen up and have fun...you don't have to commit the first date...

 

[Glib Gurl]

you don't have to commit the first date...

Chile, and that's my problem . . . I'm picking out our china patterns before the first course is through. *lol*

 

[Ozma]

This is why I love LHCF! Just when I am having concerns about something or posing some question to myself, one of y'all goes and posts my very same thoughts and the wise ladies come in and give advice.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Lol...great thread Glib.

I too found myself asking: "Could he be the one?" back in 2008 and some of 2009. But now I've changed my whole mindset.

YOU are the prize! I think as long as you have this "prize" mindset, date different guys regularly, focus on the present "moment", and pay more attention to how YOU feel around him, then I think you will lose the "could he be the one??" mentality.

It happens to all of us, so don't worry! It can be hard to break this habit. I sometimes have to stop myself as well...especially if the guy seems AWESOME!

ETA: I also co-sign on the "men can sense it" comment. I believe they can. I really do. It's just like how you can *sense* when a guy is REALLY into you. You don't have to guess, you just know. And if he's borderline creepy, you can sense that too! It's almost like it eminates from his veins.

There was a guy who liked me a LOT last year, and while I had no interest, I tried to get to know him better just to see if an interest could develop for him. Well, there were times when he didn't even have to SAY anything, but I just KNEW that he cared a little "too much"!! I can't really explain it! You want a guy to be into you (for sure), but you don't want him to be so smitten that he doesn't seem confident in himself. This is how this guy came across. Unfortunately, it was a bit of a turn-off....in addition to some of his other personality traits.

You don't want to come across this way to men, because it seems like men in general can sense desperation/neediness a mile away, even if you don't really SAY or do anything! It's like, they can even tell by the way you say "hello" to them or look them in the eye if you feel confident/comfortable in your own skin OR if you feel desperate or "less than" w/out a man.

 

[panama_princess6]

Lol...great thread Glib.



ETA: I also co-sign on the "men can sense it" comment. I believe they can. I really do. It's just like how you can *sense* when a guy is REALLY into you. You don't have to guess, you just know. And if he's borderline creepy, you can sense that too! It's almost like it eminates from his veins.

There was a guy who liked me a LOT last year, and while I had no interest, I tried to get to know him better just to see if an interest could develop for him. Well, there were times when he didn't even have to SAY anything, but I just KNEW that he cared a little "too much"!! I can't really explain it! You want a guy to be into you (for sure), but you don't want him to be so smitten that he doesn't seem confident in himself. This is how this guy came across. Unfortunately, it was a bit of a turn-off....in addition to some of his other personality traits. .

I have had the same thing happen to me a while back... he asked me if he could get me pregnant so he knew I would always be around... i'm so glad I didnt give that ninja no booty...

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Hi Glib!

You know what worked for me? Dating A LOT of men. I don't mean getting involved with them, but going on a lot of dates. I think if you have, say, one date every blue moon, it's easy to get your hopes up and pin them on that one dude. If you date regularly, you start to get the attitude that men are a dime a dozen, and "the one" will separate himself from the masses. You just have to sit back and watch it happen, but while you're waiting to see if it will happen, you're getting ready for your next date!

I totally agree with everything Bunny said, especially the bolded. This is how I landed in my current relationship. I went out on a date with a guy who I thought could really be it because, on paper, we seemed like such a good match. He turned out to be a total dud (and honestly, a bit of a creep). In the meantime, I made sure to keep it moving, and was talking to other guys, one of whom was my current boyfriend. After getting burned by the other dude, I had no expectations of him on our first date, except to enjoy a nice evening with a nice guy.