How much "individualism" is acceptable?

Fine 4s said:
Pursuing one's dreams should not stop even in a relationship. For example, say you want to travel the world, join the Peace Corps, explore new hobbies, cultures, etc. These activities will most likely take you away from your SO or DH for some time (say they have no interest in those activities.) Or they might be too risky now that you have someone else to consider should anything bad happen. But do you still pursue those dreams? What is your limit?

If not, what would be your reasons?
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Traveling etc is a lifestyle choice. If you and your SO choose different lifestyles for yourself you two are not a match. You dont see the world the same or have the same idea of a life well lived.

Traveling and peace corps are not similar to " I like to knit and he loves football we are so different" :nono:

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UrbainChic said:
Traveling etc is a lifestyle choice. If you and your SO choose different lifestyles for yourself you two are not a match. You dont see the world the same or have the same idea of a life well lived.

Traveling and peace corps are not similar to " I like to knit and he loves football we are so different" :nono:

Sent from my iPhone
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I don't think I expressed my thought well...

What if a life well lived doesn't necessarily involve YOU?

Let's say you both love to do the same things. One person gets the opportunity to do something that the other person cannot do (could be anything- traveling or whatever.) Do you go and leave your SO behind? Is it acceptable if they leave you? Imagine that this is your life dream...

How much do you give up when in a relationship? It seems like there are times when you have to chose...
 
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Fine 4s said:
I don't think I expressed my thought well...

What if a life well lived doesn't necessarily involve YOU?

Let's say you both love to do the same things. One person gets the opportunity to do something that the other person cannot do (could be anything- traveling or whatever.) Do you go and leave your SO behind? Is it acceptable if they leave you? Imagine that this is your life dream...

How much do you give up when in a relationship? It seems like there are times when you have to chose...
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I think this depends on your devotion to the person and where you see the relationship going. Sometimes these life goals are indications of a lack of compatibility, or the unwillingness to change could indicate that the relationship might be working well now, but isn' t something one or both are prepared to reorder their personal priorities for.

I think it's such a case by case thing. People are sometimes too selfish, but it seems that when people recognize that this is who they want to be with permanently, that itself does a lot the work of sorting out decisions like that. And if going abroad or to a certain school ends up being more important to a person than the relationship, or the other person doesn't want to compromise things might end.
 
I think if both pwople are commited to each other and these life goals are things that are more career related as in the examples above, it really depends on your level of commitment to each other and willingness to make sacrifices to accomodate and stay with each other.

In the second iteration of your question OP i see no reason to break up or leave put your SO in any of those kinds of dreams.

Only reasons would be a) Not that into SO anyway b) SO thinks these goals are insane and is extremely discouraging.

ETA: the other women above have articulated it much more nicely than I have


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It is possible but both couples must be on board. It can be very difficult if one person is not on board.

In all fairness you can't expect an individual to just follow you where ever you go. Like the Peace Corps thing. I was considering it, but it wasn't a passion of mine per se. But given the chance I would have gone. By that time, we were just engaged. In all honesty, my DH was just not the traveling type. Poor thing just wasn't exposed to this as a child so its not a big deal to him until recently...But back then, it would not have been fair to him if I would have left. For one, he would have been soooo lonely. As would I. Had he come to the Samoa or some exotic locale, he would have honestly been miserable. So it is what it is.
You must explore situation from all angles. Truthfully, my desire to do Peace Corps was stemmed from a desire to travel and help others in need. My hubby met me halfway by embracing my desire to travel by getting himself a passport, and coming out of his shell and traveling to exotic locals with me. I work in public health and help people on a day to day so its a win win. Had he not met me halfway....nor I him...we probably would not have lasted.....Which goes back to my first few sentences. Relationships are about compromise from both parties....However its not unrealistic for 2 individuals to often bump heads about things.
 
Well I am going to speak on the behalf on if the couple was married, because I have seen sooo many people alter their lives for a SO, with no commitment and it ends up not working. My sister for example, moved to another city, changed jobs for a man, put her life on hold and to find out 6 years later it didn't work. She had to start all over again. So if you going to alter, hold back, anything for your life let it be someone who you are committed to and not just "in love" with...

I do believe that it takes compromise in a relationship. But I also believe that when your DH loves you, he will respect your ambitions and dreams(if it healthy for the relationship). But when you are in a committed relationship, your decisions should no longer be "What's good for me, how can I benefit from it"?, but it should be "How can WE benefit from this"? Some moves and decisions may seem like a good thing but can be detrimental to the relationship. My cousin for example, he and his wife been married for 2 years, but they been living apart for most of the time. He is a teacher and she is just finishing up with law school. His job is in houston, her school is in Austin. Neither one of them wanted to compromise to move closer because they are both ambitious. He loved his job, she love her school. Now their marriage is suffering horribly...So I think certain dreams and goals, needs to be accomplished before a committment is made.
 
Alicialynn86 said:
Well I am going to speak on the behalf on if the couple was married, because I have seen sooo many people alter their lives for a SO, with no commitment and it ends up not working. My sister for example, moved to another city, changed jobs for a man, put her life on hold and to find out 6 years later it didn't work. She had to start all over again. So if you going to alter, hold back, anything for your life let it be someone who you are committed to and not just "in love" with...

I do believe that it takes compromise in a relationship. But I also believe that when your DH loves you, he will respect your ambitions and dreams(if it healthy for the relationship). But when you are in a committed relationship, your decisions should no longer be "What's good for me, how can I benefit from it"?, but it should be "How can WE benefit from this"? Some moves and decisions may seem like a good thing but can be detrimental to the relationship. My cousin for example, he and his wife been married for 2 years, but they been living apart for most of the time. He is a teacher and she is just finishing up with law school. His job is in houston, her school is in Austin. Neither one of them wanted to compromise to move closer because they are both ambitious. He loved his job, she love her school. Now their marriage is suffering horribly...So I think certain dreams and goals, needs to be accomplished before a committment is made.
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ITA. Any accomplishments you can get done before you get married is the ideal. You made an important point bolded in red: There must be a committment. Too many people indeed do put the cart before the horse and make a big commitment before they have established that their SO is willing to do the same......one person can't make a commitment...Both must be equally committed. If one person does make a sacrifice for the other, that other person must be willing to make sacrifices too of the same degree....That is where MANY couples mess up....
 
Girl yes!

My sister and her ex had bought had a house in each other's name, cars too, and was trying to have a baby, and they wasn't even married. Im like :ohwell:, really? Thats so backwards. Its like people dont see the importance of marriage no more. Then she had to deal with his debt AFTER they broke up.

ITA with you as well, alot of times the women makes the most sacrifices. You want someone who is willing to make the equal of amount of compromising and sacrifices.

If I am going to moving away and changing my life, I need a ring and his last name to do so.:yep:


naturalgyrl5199 said:
ITA. Any accomplishments you can get done before you get married is the ideal. You made an important point bolded in red: There must be a committment. Too many people indeed do put the cart before the horse and make a big commitment before they have established that their SO is willing to do the same......one person can't make a commitment...Both must be equally committed. If one person does make a sacrifice for the other, that other person must be willing to make sacrifices too of the same degree....That is where MANY couples mess up....
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