How Much Dating Experience is Necessary Before Marriage?

[cocoberry10]

Alright ladies:

I wanted to get some responses to this question. I know many couples where they had little or no dating experience and their marriage was fine. However, I know a lot more couples where this did eventually become a problem. It's almost like dating does help you know what you want. I'm not saying you need to have sex, but I do think building and establishing relationships with the opposite sex can be a good thing before marriage to help you know what to expect/want.

I'd love to hear from you all!

 

[Syrah]

Alright ladies:

I wanted to get some responses to this question. I know many couples where they had little or no dating experience and their marriage was fine. However, I know a lot more couples where this did eventually become a problem. It's almost like dating does help you know what you want. I'm not saying you need to have sex, but I do think building and establishing relationships with the opposite sex can be a good thing before marriage to help you know what to expect/want.

I'd love to hear from you all!

Ok. I'm going to play the devils advocate on this one. Look at arranged marriages - no, I'm not saying they are the epitome of healthy relationships. Hell no.

But what I am saying is that people who come from societies where arranged marriages are the norm have little experience with the opposite sex because it is considered socially unacceptable. And on the other extreme is western society where we do what we want, when we want, with whom we want until all of a sudden something happens (the stars align, God says "here you go" or we hit 35 and realize we're still single) and BAM! we get married.

Dating is great. It's fun. You learn about yourself and others. But I also think we put more and more unrealistic expectations on other people the longer we date. That the perfect mate has "x, y and z" characteristics and all other folks who don't have those characteristics are not right for us. That finding our "perfect match" guarantees a relationship. In the west, we find characteristics to love - then meet somebody who matches that (or comes as close as we can find) and marry that individual. In the east, girl is paired with boy who already comes pre-configured with certain good and not-so-good characteristics and they find a way to LOVE EACH OTHER.

There's value in both approaches - the eastern "make it work" approach and the western "let me find someone I like" approach.

So to answer you question - i think "dating" experience is worthless. I think LIFE experience is what is important. Sheltered serial daters?? Momma's boys who've played the field?? No thanks. Give me the dude that's had one or 2 serious relationships but has been places and seen things - he's had enough life experience to know that things never work out as you planned (sometimes better, sometimes worse), that love and relationships aren't just emotional (the "finishing each other sentences" nonsense) but are also financial, spiritual and sexual, that rainy days do come NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY OR DO and being prepared is the only way to lessen the effects...

...and that when it comes to diamonds, the bigger the better. .

 

[Bunny77]

^^^MsNadi, I don't think your response is the devil's advocate position at all. I think it's 100000% true!!!!

 

[cocoberry10]

Ok. I'm going to play the devils advocate on this one. Look at arranged marriages - no, I'm not saying they are the epitome of healthy relationships. Hell no.

But what I am saying is that people who come from societies where arranged marriages are the norm have little experience with the opposite sex because it is considered socially unacceptable. And on the other extreme is western society where we do what we want, when we want, with whom we want until all of a sudden something happens (the stars align, God says "here you go" or we hit 35 and realize we're still single) and BAM! we get married.

Dating is great. It's fun. You learn about yourself and others. But I also think we put more and more unrealistic expectations on other people the longer we date. That the perfect mate has "x, y and z" characteristics and all other folks who don't have those characteristics are not right for us. That finding our "perfect match" guarantees a relationship. In the west, we find characteristics to love - then meet somebody who matches that (or comes as close as we can find) and marry that individual. In the east, girl is paired with boy who already comes pre-configured with certain good and not-so-good characteristics and they find a way to LOVE EACH OTHER.

There's value in both approaches - the eastern "make it work" approach and the western "let me find someone I like" approach.

So to answer you question - i think "dating" experience is worthless. I think LIFE experience is what is important. Sheltered serial daters?? Momma's boys who've played the field?? No thanks. Give me the dude that's had one or 2 serious relationships but has been places and seen things - he's had enough life experience to know that things never work out as you planned (sometimes better, sometimes worse), that love and relationships aren't just emotional (finishing each other sentences) but are also financial, spiritual and sexual, that rainy days do come NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY OR DO and being prepared is the only way to lessen the effects...

...and that when it comes to diamonds, the bigger the better. .

Thank you so much for your post, especially the bolded part. I am kind of talking to this guy now. He’s a great guy. I haven’t had a lot of dating experience. I was the good girl that tried to avoid the bad guy. I’ve dated a few, but it never really “took off,” because I knew he was the “bad boy” or “non-commitant” guy and knew that it would never amount to what I wanted it to. However, I have a lot of life experience. I’ve traveled, lived in a few places (due to education) and consider myself cultured. He doesn’t seem against these things, but he has not had the opportunity to have these experiences. I wouldn’t mind experiencing them with him (i.e. traveling, something I loooooooove to do). Also, he definitely doesn’t seem to like to go out/socialize. I’m not a party girl, but I do like to go out with friends, etc. He seems like more of a homebody. I don’t mind this, b/c I know he’s not the type to cheat, etc. (which is so nice in this day and age of AIDS and other frightening issues). However, these are things I’m starting to see now, and I just want to take it slow. I hope that makes sense. I am a nice girl and I’m not going to play this guy!

I guess we'll just have to see how it goes. Also, he seems really ready for marriage, and I'm not sure if I'm there just yet??? I know I should be, but I'm not sure if I want to be single right now (I know this sounds crazy with all the single Black women saying they are struggling so bad, but I'm only trying to be honest). I feel a little too young (I'm in my mid 20's). I feel that I need a little more "life" experience before I marry, so I can bring these things to that relationship!

 

[Ms Red]

Oooooh this is so on point, MsNadi. Great perspective!

Ok. I'm going to play the devils advocate on this one. Look at arranged marriages - no, I'm not saying they are the epitome of healthy relationships. Hell no.

But what I am saying is that people who come from societies where arranged marriages are the norm have little experience with the opposite sex because it is considered socially unacceptable. And on the other extreme is western society where we do what we want, when we want, with whom we want until all of a sudden something happens (the stars align, God says "here you go" or we hit 35 and realize we're still single) and BAM! we get married.

Dating is great. It's fun. You learn about yourself and others. But I also think we put more and more unrealistic expectations on other people the longer we date. That the perfect mate has "x, y and z" characteristics and all other folks who don't have those characteristics are not right for us. That finding our "perfect match" guarantees a relationship. In the west, we find characteristics to love - then meet somebody who matches that (or comes as close as we can find) and marry that individual. In the east, girl is paired with boy who already comes pre-configured with certain good and not-so-good characteristics and they find a way to LOVE EACH OTHER.

There's value in both approaches - the eastern "make it work" approach and the western "let me find someone I like" approach.

So to answer you question - i think "dating" experience is worthless. I think LIFE experience is what is important. Sheltered serial daters?? Momma's boys who've played the field?? No thanks. Give me the dude that's had one or 2 serious relationships but has been places and seen things - he's had enough life experience to know that things never work out as you planned (sometimes better, sometimes worse), that love and relationships aren't just emotional (finishing each other sentences) but are also financial, spiritual and sexual, that rainy days do come NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY OR DO and being prepared is the only way to lessen the effects...

...and that when it comes to diamonds, the bigger the better. .

 

[Syrah]

Ooooh!! Traveling with a man!!

"You don't know somebody until you travel with them" - so true, so true, so true!

 

[cocoberry10]

Ooooh!! Traveling with a man!!

"You don't know somebody until you travel with them" - so true, so true, so true!

Thanks for this!

 

[Farida]

If you've had lots of friends of the opposite sex and positive male role models growing up, I don't think you need to date a whole bunch of people before you marry. My mom has 7 siblings and only one of them dated more than one person. They all married and none are divorced/unhappy and my mom was widowed but that's all.

When I first met my FH, I had never dated anyone seriously. I went out with some guys before on maybe 2 dates at the most, or to the prom, or talked on the phone but he is my first serious relationship. He used to worry that I didn't know what I wanted or would feel like I missed out.

I didn't see the logic. I'm smart enough to know when I found a good thing. Am I supposed to break up with him and date other people? Is he supposed to wait around for me? I don't feel like I missed out, if I felt that way I'd know it's because he isn't right for me.

In as much as I like the fact that his exes were horrible which makes him appreciate me more, I can see how dating a lot can hurt. It jades people, makes them less trusting, have a lot of baggage, bitterness etc. Or have done so many things that there is only so much that is new to do. (I don't mean sex).

I would say when you date people if you have little experience then you want to date a long time and take things really slow, so you can grow and mature in your relationship.

There is a certain innocence/freedom to having few to no relationships.

 

[tenjoy]

Date long enough to see his credit report, fianancial habits, and bank accounts (stressing the s on accounts) he need to have a checking AND savings!

If its good..........whether its 9 months or 2 years......go for it!

 

[tenjoy]

i just want to add............I think its good when you grow together and learn about each other after your married. (sans the fianancial status)

 

[foxxymami]

MsNadi, I always love to hear your opinion in the Relationship board as one of my faaaavorite things to discuss and ponder is love, relationships, men and women, etc.!!!!! I also love to hear Nina_S, cupcakes, and others I can't think of at the moment .

Ok. I'm going to play the devils advocate on this one. Look at arranged marriages - no, I'm not saying they are the epitome of healthy relationships. Hell no.

But what I am saying is that people who come from societies where arranged marriages are the norm have little experience with the opposite sex because it is considered socially unacceptable. And on the other extreme is western society where we do what we want, when we want, with whom we want until all of a sudden something happens (the stars align, God says "here you go" or we hit 35 and realize we're still single) and BAM! we get married.

Dating is great. It's fun. You learn about yourself and others. But I also think we put more and more unrealistic expectations on other people the longer we date. That the perfect mate has "x, y and z" characteristics and all other folks who don't have those characteristics are not right for us. That finding our "perfect match" guarantees a relationship. In the west, we find characteristics to love - then meet somebody who matches that (or comes as close as we can find) and marry that individual. In the east, girl is paired with boy who already comes pre-configured with certain good and not-so-good characteristics and they find a way to LOVE EACH OTHER.

There's value in both approaches - the eastern "make it work" approach and the western "let me find someone I like" approach.

So to answer you question - i think "dating" experience is worthless. I think LIFE experience is what is important. Sheltered serial daters?? Momma's boys who've played the field?? No thanks. Give me the dude that's had one or 2 serious relationships but has been places and seen things - he's had enough life experience to know that things never work out as you planned (sometimes better, sometimes worse), that love and relationships aren't just emotional (the "finishing each other sentences" nonsense) but are also financial, spiritual and sexual, that rainy days do come NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY OR DO and being prepared is the only way to lessen the effects...

...and that when it comes to diamonds, the bigger the better. .

 

[Bunny77]

I can see how dating a lot can hurt. It jades people, makes them less trusting, have a lot of baggage, bitterness etc. Or have done so many things that there is only so much that is new to do. (I don't mean sex).

Yep. I'd trade some of the hurt, lost trust, baggage and bitterness in a heartbeat... it wasn't worth it just to say I have some "experience."

Oh yeah, I also know of some men who regret leaving the woman they should have married because they wanted "experience" dating other people. 10-15 years later, they're still dating and are tired of it, while that woman moved on, found a better man, got married, had kids and is happy...

 

[amara11]

Ok. I'm going to play the devils advocate on this one. Look at arranged marriages - no, I'm not saying they are the epitome of healthy relationships. Hell no.

But what I am saying is that people who come from societies where arranged marriages are the norm have little experience with the opposite sex because it is considered socially unacceptable. And on the other extreme is western society where we do what we want, when we want, with whom we want until all of a sudden something happens (the stars align, God says "here you go" or we hit 35 and realize we're still single) and BAM! we get married.

Dating is great. It's fun. You learn about yourself and others. But I also think we put more and more unrealistic expectations on other people the longer we date. That the perfect mate has "x, y and z" characteristics and all other folks who don't have those characteristics are not right for us. That finding our "perfect match" guarantees a relationship. In the west, we find characteristics to love - then meet somebody who matches that (or comes as close as we can find) and marry that individual. In the east, girl is paired with boy who already comes pre-configured with certain good and not-so-good characteristics and they find a way to LOVE EACH OTHER.

There's value in both approaches - the eastern "make it work" approach and the western "let me find someone I like" approach.

So to answer you question - i think "dating" experience is worthless. I think LIFE experience is what is important. Sheltered serial daters?? Momma's boys who've played the field?? No thanks. Give me the dude that's had one or 2 serious relationships but has been places and seen things - he's had enough life experience to know that things never work out as you planned (sometimes better, sometimes worse), that love and relationships aren't just emotional (the "finishing each other sentences" nonsense) but are also financial, spiritual and sexual, that rainy days do come NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY OR DO and being prepared is the only way to lessen the effects...

...and that when it comes to diamonds, the bigger the better. .

Oh my gosh. Are you serious- could you have possibly found a better way to break this down? I've been concerned about this for some time now- Im only 22 w/ little experience(dating wise) so I sometimes questioned my ability to deal in a relationship. But recently I started really paying attention to the lives of some of my friends who are ---serial daters/boyfriend havers/can't give it a month's rest b4 Im up under another one--- and they're minds are pretty screwed up.

Thanks for the truth Ms Nadi

 

[Ms Red]

I love MsNadi's view too

MsNadi, I always love to hear your opinion in the Relationship board as one of my faaaavorite things to discuss and ponder is love, relationships, men and women, etc.!!!!! I also love to hear Nina_S, cupcakes, and others I can't think of at the moment .

 

[Bublin]

My Mum was 18 when she met my Dad and had not really dated anyone before.
My Dad was 21 and had had 2 or 3 girlfriends.
They are now celebrating their 32nd wedding anniversary.
Together they grew and built up everything they have now .

We are not all fortunate to meet the right person from the start.

At 31 i have a child, my own property, good job and money in the bank. I'll be damned if i hand that all on a plate to some no good, work-shy man who's living at home with Mumma.

Dating sorts out the wheat from the chaff cus there's a lot of chaff out there.

 

[spelmanlocks]

I don't think a whole lot of dating experience is necessary but in my case I am glad I dated others before I met my fiance because its allowed me to better appreciate what a great person he is. I met him when I was 20 though so I didn't have years and years of experience but I did have some.

 

[cocoberry10]

I didn't see the logic. I'm smart enough to know when I found a good thing. Am I supposed to break up with him and date other people? Is he supposed to wait around for me? I don't feel like I missed out, if I felt that way I'd know it's because he isn't right for me.

Your whole post. The red bolded above is something I really needed to read

 

[Farida]

I'm glad it helped cocoberry. People search a lifetime for that one good relationship. If it happens to be your first one are you supposed to ditch it because it is your first one? You can't ditch something you have for sure that is good and works for something that might be out there.

Like I said, just take things slow if it is your first one. Grow and develop in it and enjoy it. In almost 4 years I look back and I have gained so much in terms of understanding relationships just by dating FH. I didn't have to go outside to find out. It also helps when you have older people to guide you. FH has an "adoptive" family that we are close to and they are always giving us advice and all.

 

[czyfaith77]

Ok. I'm going to play the devils advocate on this one. Look at arranged marriages - no, I'm not saying they are the epitome of healthy relationships. Hell no.

But what I am saying is that people who come from societies where arranged marriages are the norm have little experience with the opposite sex because it is considered socially unacceptable. And on the other extreme is western society where we do what we want, when we want, with whom we want until all of a sudden something happens (the stars align, God says "here you go" or we hit 35 and realize we're still single) and BAM! we get married.

Dating is great. It's fun. You learn about yourself and others. But I also think we put more and more unrealistic expectations on other people the longer we date. That the perfect mate has "x, y and z" characteristics and all other folks who don't have those characteristics are not right for us. That finding our "perfect match" guarantees a relationship. In the west, we find characteristics to love - then meet somebody who matches that (or comes as close as we can find) and marry that individual. In the east, girl is paired with boy who already comes pre-configured with certain good and not-so-good characteristics and they find a way to LOVE EACH OTHER.

There's value in both approaches - the eastern "make it work" approach and the western "let me find someone I like" approach.

So to answer you question - i think "dating" experience is worthless. I think LIFE experience is what is important. Sheltered serial daters?? Momma's boys who've played the field?? No thanks. Give me the dude that's had one or 2 serious relationships but has been places and seen things - he's had enough life experience to know that things never work out as you planned (sometimes better, sometimes worse), that love and relationships aren't just emotional (the "finishing each other sentences" nonsense) but are also financial, spiritual and sexual, that rainy days do come NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY OR DO and being prepared is the only way to lessen the effects...

...and that when it comes to diamonds, the bigger the better. .

Thank you for that part...that's my guy. Neither him nor I enjoyed casual dating. Neither of us like the game. It didn't take him long to propose to me.

I am laughing at the last part. (I got them too. (Smile))

 

[czyfaith77]

I just shared with my fiance what you said and he agreed wholeheartedly.

 

[Colliecole]

My current SO of 3 yrs has been my ONLY SO in my life. I'm too young for marriage but I'm pretty sure I'll be his wife in a couple years. In my situation, dating isn’t important at all. I think our relationship stronger because I didn’t come with any baggage. Because everyone is different, relationships don't need a manual or set of rules. Just the ability to listen, understand and compromise at times ....sometimes I think about not having my share of dating/men experiences, but it never stays long. I'm in a committed relationship past or no past. I know what's in the snake pit, I dont gotta go see for myself

 

[tinkat]

My current SO of 3 yrs has been my ONLY SO in my life. I'm too young for marriage but I'm pretty sure I'll be his wife in a couple years. In my situation, dating isn’t important at all. I think our relationship stronger because I didn’t come with any baggage. Because everyone is different, relationships don't need a manual or set of rules. Just the ability to listen, understand and compromise at times ....sometimes I think about not having my share of dating/men experiences, but it never stays long. I'm in a committed relationship past or no past. I know what's in the snake pit, I dont gotta go see for myself

That is my situation too