How Do You Navigate Between Standards And Preferences When Choosing A Mate?

[okange76]

Someone said that standards are your morals, values, non-negotiables and preferences are the negotiables. At times they mesh into one ball of confusion because the line between the two is easily blurred. Thoughts?

 

[LoveisYou]

Not too difficult for me.

I have my non-negotiables. We must practice the same faith. If he's not a Christian, I don't even consider him as a possibility.

Preferences are qualities I know I WILL compromise on. I like them 6 feet and over, but I'd easily date a shorter man who meets my non-negotiables as long as I'm attracted to him.

 

[girlonfire]

For me, personality traits are NON-NEGOTIABLE.

I'd prefer a tanner/darker guy, who has a deep voice and square chiseled jaw with a gorgeous smile who's at least 5'8" but hey, if the personality traits are on and popping, then I can't really complain.

What to do mean blurred? You'll either put up with it or you won't. I won't put up with a smoker. I won't put up with a guy who constantly is saying something foul. I won't put up with a guy who bashes black women. I won't put up with a guy who has no kind of goals or drive to accomplish anything in life. Simple. May I ask for a model situation of these negotiables and non-negotiables might blurr together?? I could understand "oh he treats me really well but he talks to his family like they're dogs" Like one trait you admire making it easy for you to discount other negative traits (the halo effect) but I don't understand what you mean by blurr together.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

It depends on what you know you can live with vs things you like but can live without in a mate. When I was younger it was harder to distinguish between negotiables and non-negotiables. Not so much now.

For instance, I'm a sucker for men with darker hair and facial features and is at least 5'10. It's my preference. But I could fall for a man with lighter features if he meets my non-negotiables list.

I'm non-negotiable on him being taller than me (I'm 5'3), education, a man I can have deep conversations with, who supports my dreams/goals, who feels a duty to take care of his family, etc.

 

[CaraWalker]

i dont have preferences so much as i have dealbreakers.

my "preferences" are things that i would be lucky to have found in a partner. but i dont expect that i'll only date a guy that fits my preferences, nor do i disregard men who don't. preferences are extra; it never occurred to me that i should be choosing based on preferences since by definition they are what is personally desired, but not what is needed or necessary.

what you simply want should not be nonnegotiable. you can't get everything you want.

 

[C@ssandr@]

You get to know the difference if you date enough.

I literally sat down one day and thought about the things I enjoyed about my exes. I wrote down the commonalities. I don't keep a list of things I don't like because I don't want to attract it. However, I do know my deal breakers off hand like smoking, drug dealing as a profession, doesn't have friends etc.

I wasn't sure about my non-negotiables at first either, but now I'm pretty sure thanks to socializing.

**There will sometimes be grey area, that's when you evaluate if the pros out weigh any particular cons. For example I'm seeing someone who has the traits on my list but is super duper busy. One of my main love languages is "quality time", so now I have to decide if I can work with this.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

I agree the more you date the better you would know your standards versus preferences.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Another thing, that is slightly related. Follow your gut. Let me tell you something...my dating life has improved since I stopped asking my girlfriends (aka the hen house) for advice. I only ask men about how men think. I go to my gf's for clarity on my end.
You might meet a guy and you may be on the fence about him, so what do you do? You go and ask your bestie and take her advice to heart (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). You will not know what works for you unless you give some guys a shot on your own terms.

 

[CaraWalker]

Another thing, that is slightly related. Follow your gut. Let me tell you something...my dating life has improved since I stopped asking my girlfriends (aka the hen house) for advice. I only ask men about how men think. I go to my gf's for clarity on my end.
You might meet a guy and you may be on the fence about him, so what do you do? You go and ask your bestie and take her advice to heart (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). You will not know what works for you unless you give some guys a shot on your own terms.

i take dating advice from no one. i sometimes ask for opinions on perspective if i can't come up with any explanations on my own, but never advice.

 

[Britt]

You get to know the difference if you date enough.

I literally sat down one day and thought about the things I enjoyed about my exes. I wrote down the commonalities. I don't keep a list of things I don't like because I don't want to attract it. However, I do know my deal breakers off hand like smoking, drug dealing as a profession, doesn't have friends etc.

I wasn't sure about my non-negotiables at first either, but now I'm pretty sure thanks to socializing.

**There will sometimes be grey area, that's when you evaluate if the pros out weigh any particular cons. For example I'm seeing someone who has the traits on my list but is super duper busy. One of my main love languages is "quality time", so now I have to decide if I can work with this.

This one major positive I can say I've gotten from dating and meeting/talking to different guys. I get to see different traits and behaviors that I like and dislike.

 

[okange76]

Thank you all. It's been great reading all your thoughts. The reason I asked this question is because sometimes you are not sure whether you compromised or settled. e.g many women say they would never marry a man with a child or who has been divorced. Then you meet a man who has been divorced and he comes correct with you, or you meet a man with one child who he takes care off, things didn't work out but the child's mother has moved on with her life and they've managed to work out their issues concerning the child. Some see getting with this man as a compromise while others see it as settling. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things if this man does what you need him to do in order to be with you despite having these major bumps in his life?

 

[CaraWalker]

Thank you all. It's been great reading all your thoughts. The reason I asked this question is because sometimes you are not sure whether you compromised or settled. e.g many women say they would never marry a man with a child or who has been divorced. Then you meet a man who has been divorced and he comes correct with you, or you meet a man with one child who he takes care off, things didn't work out but the child's mother has moved on with her life and they've managed to work out their issues concerning the child. Some see getting with this man as a compromise while others see it as settling. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things if this man does what you need him to do in order to be with you despite having these major bumps in his life?

it depends on why something is a dealbreaker. i dont want to date a man with a child because i dont want him to have experienced all that with another woman. some women don't like it for financial reasons, some for jealousy reasons (worried he'll never stop being with the mom), etc. if you know it's something that would overshadow your ability to be content in the relationship but you overlook it anyway, then i would consider myself to have settled.

but settling doesn't bother everybody.

something like "i want him this tall so i can wear high heels" would indicate that a person with this "preference" needs to grow up if not satisfying that requirement would mean they can't be content in the relationship.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

In this context, I would consider preferences as your mate having an admirable but unnecessary trait to you. I would consider settling as compromising on your standards/must-haves/non-negotiables. You would know the differences because compromising on your standards would bother you and eventually greatly affect the relationship.

For example: A preference may be for a man who is fluent in French. A standard is for a man who is fluent in English. The preferences and standards will vary for each person.

 

[CaraWalker]

my preference is men who have never been married but that ones not a dealbreaker.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

^^^Me too. I would prefer if he was never married but it would not be dealbreaker for me if he was. It might depend on the details but after dating many men, I know it's not my dealbreaker.

ETA: Just running through my memory I can say many of the best dates and men with high potential were previously married. Ask me that same question in my late teens and early twenties and I would tell you I would not marry a man who was previously married. I couldn't say way but just felt like I wanted to be the first. I never dated at that time and probably had different standards but I was not set like I am in my current lifestyle.