How do you bring up a dude's "public record"?

[Glib Gurl]

So, I just started seeing someone...and on the recommendation of a friend I researched his public record.

You know where this is going.

Nothing horribly bad...no divorce he didn't mention or criminal charges. Just a few traffic things...but there were also a few contract disputes where he was found guilty

I am really bummed because I like this dude and he seems like a good person. He did mention that he had some "baggage" and I could trace some of what he told me to what I found online. But I am concerned now. I want to raise them with him, but not quite sure how to do so in a way that is non-threatening....

Any advice (other than just cut my losses and keep it moving)?

 

[daydreem2876]

Ask him... I was in that same position but he told me exactly what happened in very early conversation. Of course I looked it up, he confirmed/did not deny anything I found. The only thing he asked was to hear his side. I made a choice from there.

 

[AyannaDivine]

What do you mean by contract disputes? I met a guy online and googled him. Tell me why google images popped up 3 mug shots of this man, arrested 3 times for possession of narcotics. Instead of asking him directly about the charges I made a few comments about drug use, jail, blah blah blah. Then I asked of he'd ever been arrested. He answered truthfully and told me he was still on probation for possession. See what I did? I beat around the bush and then asked a question directly related to what I wanted to know. Hope this helps.

 

[Keen]

If those type of things are deal breakers for you, cut your lose. Personally I'd have to know what type of traffic tickets and contract dispute because those do not sound that bad and can be explained.

 

[LovelyRo]

I've gotten a couple guys to open up to me regarding their criminal past and I had no idea.

With one, there was something about him that made me think he was hiding something so I told him that it seemed like he was keeping something from me. He ended up telling me that he was a part of the predatory lending scheme AND that he was arrested something like 30 times, 7 charges dropped and 1 acquittal... #dealbreaker

With the other one, just mentioned that ex-cons kept approaching me. He admitted that he was convicted of statutory tape (he was 19 and she was 16)... Registered sex offender... #dealbreaker So, maybe starting a related convo will get home to open up.

 

[hopeful]

Since it is early in the relationship I would continue to feel him out regarding his "baggage" over time. Since nothing scary popped up like rape, violence, burglary, etc. I wouldn't worry too much so early in. Now if you want someone with a completely clean record, period, then cut your losses. I would not so early in tell him about what you found. I think you will feel better if he shares this information on his own. Should the relationship continue and appear to be getting more serious, at some point I think you should both agree to do thorough background checks on each other. And both agree to being open about explaining, elaborating, etc. before proceeding. That way it is agreed that you both deserve detailed info about each so no surprises: ie. criminal activity, bad credit, diseases, etc.

 

[briacait]

I'm not sure how long you've been seeing dude, but you need to find out more information sooner rather than later. If you find out more info and it's a deal breaker you won't have wasted as much time and you'll have protected your feelings.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[Glib Gurl]

Thanks for this feedback ladies. You are helping me feel much better. The traffic things were lame - like he didn't get his tags renewed before they expired :eyeroll: The contract stuff reflects a few things he did tell me about his past. Small disputes basically - nothing major. It was just startling to see it with my own eyes.

 

[hopeful]

I like that he was up front about it.

 

[Glib Gurl]

You know what a friend I confided in said to me about this? (She is a foreigner but has loved in the US for 20+ years.) She mentioned that she has never seen so much racism and it isn't surprising that there are at least traffic issues because it is not unusual for a Black man in a nice car just to get stopped. Not that that is an excuse but ... Gave me a little perspective.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

kind of off topic. i would be more alarmed about really bad credit than a traffic violation. and the thing is, how can you research someone's credit? well, maybe you can in this day and age, i don't know. really bad credit or even regular bad credit may be a deal breaker unless it was due to enormous student loan for medical school or something.

 

[vevster]

You know what a friend I confided in said to me about this? (She is a foreigner but has loved in the US for 20+ years.) She mentioned that she has never seen so much racism and it isn't surprising that there are at least traffic issues because it is not unusual for a Black man in a nice car just to get stopped. Not that that is an excuse but ... Gave me a little perspective.

Is his name Apollo? @glibgurl

 

[Ganjababy]

Stop it! I just spurted my tea onto my iPad!