How do I love GOD with HATE in my HEART?

[Meli]

Okay...this is probably the second time in my whole entire adult life that I've let someone bother me. I am ashamed to say it but I hate my mother-in-law to be. I hate to even say that I hate her. I try my best to have a clean heart and follow God's way, but having hate towards someone is in opposition to God's ways.
Just to give you some background, my fiance's mom is very rude. At times she's nice, and I am shocked but then she flips it and something else emerges from her being. It's as if she is having a spiritual battle....She states things like she "hates lawyers and teachers...you know those professional people," knowing that I am a lawyer. She yelled at me to say "Happy Easter"...."I said SAY HAPPY EASTER!" I corrected my fiance, boyfriend at the time cause he said yous...we both correct each other with diction and language. She buts into the conversation and states, "He's his mother's child and his mother speaks that way so why do you have a problem with it." She insults Christianity...She tells me stories that she fought with her sister on the front lawn. She malices her entire family outside of her adult kids, grandkids and husband. Once she gave me a picture of her friend's daughter's wedding picture, I stated how beautiful the bride was. She states, snidely, "Well not better looking than my daughter..no one is better looking than my daughter." One more, just recently we were all having a conversation, my fiance stated that I donated some money to charity, at times...She said, "So what, I took in my daughter's kids." Her husband is a yes dear, no dear type of mate. He's a nice guy, but she is just so rude. I could go on and on. She goes to church every Sunday, but I don't think it's helping. From day one, I have limited what I have said around her and barely go around her because I saw her behavior.

My question to you is...I want to keep God first. Lately, I have been feeling alot of anger towards her. Memories of her rudeness towards me, anger me. I am also angry at myself that I did not speak up in a respectful, but stern way. I just wanted to keep the peace. But now she feels this is okay. What do I do with this anger that has emerged? I have a strong feeling she is jealous of me. Her and I have never had any words cause I just look at her when she says these things. She had a very bad past. I know where it's coming from..a bad past, unhappy childhood. But why is that my problem? How do I keep God first? What is God trying to teach me? I have never had to deal with anybody like this before. How do I cope with this? I've asked God for guidance, but I do not think that I can hear Him because I am so angry. Please point me in the right direction.

PS: My fiance is a mamas boy and she yells at him alot too. When he lived at home, they fought alot. I wish that I could get some support, no yelling or screaming. Whenever I don't like what someone says to him on my side of the family, I nip it immediately. But I'm out in the cold on this. Don't get me wrong, he's great otherwise, but he's sour on this issue.

 

[live2bgr8]

Okay...this is probably the second time in my whole entire adult life that I've let someone bother me. I am ashamed to say it but I hate my mother-in-law to be. I hate to even say that I hate her. I try my best to have a clean heart and follow God's way, but having hate towards someone is in opposition to God's ways.
Just to give you some background, my fiance's mom is very rude. At times she's nice, and I am shocked but then she flips it and something else emerges from her being. It's as if she is having a spiritual battle....She states things like she "hates lawyers and teachers...you know those professional people," knowing that I am a lawyer. She yelled at me to say "Happy Easter"...."I said SAY HAPPY EASTER!" I corrected my fiance, boyfriend at the time cause he said yous...we both correct each other with diction and language. She buts into the conversation and states, "He's his mother's child and his mother speaks that way so why do you have a problem with it." She insults Christianity...She tells me stories that she fought with her sister on the front lawn. She malices her entire family outside of her adult kids, grandkids and husband. Once she gave me a picture of her friend's daughter's wedding picture, I stated how beautiful the bride was. She states, snidely, "Well not better looking than my daughter..no one is better looking than my daughter." One more, just recently we were all having a conversation, my fiance stated that I donated some money to charity, at times...She said, "So what, I took in my daughter's kids." Her husband is a yes dear, no dear type of mate. He's a nice guy, but she is just so rude. I could go on and on. She goes to church every Sunday, but I don't think it's helping. From day one, I have limited what I have said around her and barely go around her because I saw her behavior.

My question to you is...I want to keep God first. Lately, I have been feeling alot of anger towards her. Memories of her rudeness towards me, anger me. I am also angry at myself that I did not speak up in a respectful, but stern way. I just wanted to keep the peace. But now she feels this is okay. What do I do with this anger that has emerged? I have a strong feeling she is jealous of me. Her and I have never had any words cause I just look at her when she says these things. She had a very bad past. I know where it's coming from..a bad past, unhappy childhood. But why is that my problem? How do I keep God first? What is God trying to teach me? I have never had to deal with anybody like this before. How do I cope with this? I've asked God for guidance, but I do not think that I can hear Him because I am so angry. Pleasep oint me in the right direction.

PS: My fiance is a mamas boy and she yells at him a lot too. When he lived at home, they fought a lot. I wish that I could get some support, no yelling or screaming. Whenever I don't like what someone says to him on my side of the family, I nip it immediately. But I'm out in the cold on this. Don't get me wrong, he's great otherwise, but he's sour on this issue.

I'm sorry to say it, but God will always bring people into our lives that rub us the wrong way. Always. There is no getting around it.

He does it because the "rubbing" will make us more like Him if we can surrender our will to his. These people will hit the exact nerve that is most sensitive and will bring out the trait that God does not see in you... yet.

I truly sympathize with you. However, under some of the most abrasive exteriors is fear. It sounds like she's afraid of loosing her son, and you are going to deal with that fall out.

Just make sure she's not living next door (like Everybody Loves Raymond). I'm not joking-- 45 min to an hour away is a good idea. As long as you have a little physical distance between you, it will be easier. This distance will also help the "leaving and cleaving" process.

Under no circumstances should you tell your husband that you feel so strongly about your future MIL. If he's like most guys, he will get defensive.

Pray for yourself first-- that God will give you the power and capacity to put up with XYZ and love her. Loving an easy person is a piece of cake... However, loving a difficult person is truly a supernatural occurance. It takes faith and patience.

Then pick one specific behavior at a time and take it to God. Pray that God will either change her (especially since she's going to church), or that he will give you insight about her behavior. Sometimes when there is insight, there is also tolerance.

As I am writing this message, I have prayed for you, too.

 

[Shimmie]

Wonderful advise and ministry, Kelouis....and as always, you're on point.

Distance is best. My daughter's husband PURPOSELY moved miles away from his family because (in his words) so that his family cannot drop in any time they felt like it. His mother and sister resented my daughter for 'taking him away' from them, but my daughter was his wife and he wanted to be free from the stupid cattiness from his family.

His step mom was and is still a pain. Really, 3 stupid women that he had to move away from. AND get this, he told my daughter that he'd move me down there with them anytime so that she and I wouldn't have to be so far apart. My baby girl and I are still tied at the 'cord'. He treats me like a queen, and loves when I visit.

My Point to you Meli...don't sweat it. She's the way she is, but don't sweat it. Love your husband and love her. It's her ways and not her that you have irritation with. There's a big difference. Her ways are just hidden behind her body, that's all. So it's not her, it her ways.

Be happy in your marriage. Pray and ask God to deal with her and allow you and your husband to communicate this. Mother and Daughter -in laws have always been at odds. You're both fighting over the love of the same man. He must be pretty special. And so are you.

 

[live2bgr8]

Wonderful advise and ministry, Kelouis....and as always, you're on point.

Distance is best. My daughter's husband PURPOSELY moved miles away from his family because (in his words) so that his family cannot drop in any time they felt like it. His mother and sister resented my daughter for 'taking him away' from them, but my daughter was his wife and he wanted to be free from the stupid cattiness from his family.

His step mom was and is still a pain. Really, 3 stupid women that he had to move away from. AND get this, he told my daughter that he'd move me down there with them anytime so that she and I wouldn't have to be so far apart. My baby girl and I are still tied at the 'cord'. He treats me like a queen, and loves when I visit.

My Point to you Meli...don't sweat it. She's the way she is, but don't sweat it. Love your husband and love her. It's her ways and not her that you have irritation with. There's a big difference. Her ways are just hidden behind her body, that's all. So it's not her, it her ways.

Be happy in your marriage. Pray and ask God to deal with her and allow you and your husband to communicate this. Mother and Daughter -in laws have always been at odds. You're both fighting over the love of the same man. He must be pretty special. And so are you.

Awww... You're making me blush. I really hope Meli finds it helpful.

I think what you said about MIL and "her ways" is right on point. Sometimes it's hard to separate people from their actions.

And when I reread "Love your husband and love her" it ministered to me as well... Even though, I'm not close to my MIL and we have a language barrier...

Sometimes it's easy to forget that a MIL had a big hand in producing/raising/developing the men we love and marry. That's irony... But it does prove your point "ways" vs. "person".

 

[Meli]

Thanks Kelouis75 and Shimmie.... But I still don't know how to deal with all of this. I feel like I am suffering for I don't know what. I am not fighting over a man. I shouldn't have to. There's enough love to go around and he's still her son. But how do I deal with my anger and my feelings? When she starts to smoke around the table while we are eating as guests at her house for Thanksgiving, what do I do? (I hate cigarette smoke.) When we are at her house from 10am for Thanksgiving and my fiance says to me let's go to your family now cause it's 6pm...you haven't seen them all day, and she buts in and says to her son, "it's a shame you have to leave. I wish you could stay. Why does it have to be this way"...trying to make him feel guilty for leaving. What do I do? Do I say something? Can there be a way where I can address her behavior while keeping God first?

 

[upandcoming]

You're in my prayers.

 

[Shimmie]

Thanks Kelouis75 and Shimmie.... But I still don't know how to deal with all of this. I feel like I am suffering for I don't know what. I am not fighting over a man. I shouldn't have to. There's enough love to go around and he's still her son. But how do I deal with my anger and my feelings? When she starts to smoke around the table while we are eating as guests at her house for Thanksgiving, what do I do? (I hate cigarette smoke.) When we are at her house from 10am for Thanksgiving and my fiance says to me let's go to your family now cause it's 6pm...you haven't seen them all day, and she buts in and says to her son, "it's a shame you have to leave. I wish you could stay. Why does it have to be this way"...trying to make him feel guilty for leaving. What do I do? Do I say something? Can there be a way where I can address her behavior while keeping God first?

It's so easy to deal with...Ummmm yes it is. See what's really going on. She's trying to prove to her son who the better person is.

Oh Darlin...welcome to life as his wife. But you are not marrying her, you are marrying him. Deal with this issue by NOT dealing with it. You don't have to 'battle' with her and her tactics. She wants you upset. The same things happen to her when she was in your shoes years ago. Her husban's family or her boyfriends family 'hated' her.

Now, do what Jesus did. In Luke Chapter 4, the Church leaders got mad at him for speaking the Truth. They grabbed Him; dragged him from the Synagogue, and tried to throw Him off of a cliff. Ha! But what did Jesus do? In all of their fury, He just turned around and walked right through them. They LOST THEIR HOLD upon Him and did not succeed to throw Him over to His demise.

Little one, turn around and walk past this...all of this. You will not win other wise. Baby, you'll just drive yourself crazy trying to be the better fighter...and you can't win that way. You win her over by love and nothing less. Just choose to love her. You catch more flies with honey than you do with cigarette smoke... Love her...just love her. Can't find a good reason to love her? What about her son...the man you love and are about to marry. She lived to give him life. Love her...and bring peace to this situation. Jesus did and He still bears the scars of our sins upon His body....Just love her for who she is.

You see, whatever you feel towards her, spills over onto what you will feel for your future husband.....Hmmmmm, love her.

No lecture...just love....as your sister...

 

[live2bgr8]

I agree with Shimmie... Do not allow yourself to sink down to her level of behavior... Jesus did not, and as believers we can model His behavior.

The way she behaves is between her and God. The way you behave is between you and God. Let God deal with her. You each will be giving a different account one day.

Choosing to ignore most (if not all) of her behavior will be the better route. I say ignoring, but what I really mean is this: Delay your negative reactions and take them to God in prayer...


Some people think that love is a mushy feeling of warmth towards another person. To this point, I have never seen it described this way in the Bible.

However, the Bible does say is that it is a series of actions or attitudes:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7. This is the NIV translation. Here is the Amplified. It really breaks it down.

4 Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.5 It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. 6 It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. 7 Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

As you meditate on these Scriptures, focus on her son... Why do you love him? The reality is that, she had some sort of hand in cultivating these traits in him.

Maybe you will want to acknowlege this in a note to her. (Action) Thank her for cultivating these traits in him. (Action) Share the note with her son to get his input. (Action) You can do this because you are describing why you love him and acknowleding that she played some part in culitvating him. Bonus: Your future hubby will see that you are trying to make an effort.

These actions probably will not change your feelings towards her. However, they can be the first steps towards building a more healthy and peaceful relationship.

You don't ever have to be best girlfriends--talking on the phone, going on shopping trips, to the movies, out to dinner, etc. But you do need to be civil. For the sake of your husband and for any future children.

ETA: Sometimes it's easy to dislike a person (or their ways) when we can not fully comprend the grace that was extened to us on the Cross. If it were not for God's patience, kindness, humility, selflessness, slow temper and forgivness, where would any of us be? Sadly to say--in hell. But he has redeemed us and he want us to extend this same grace towards others.

 

[Meli]

Thank you all for taking the time to give me some direction and good advice on how to handle this issue. I will definitely take all of your advices. I guess the lesson that I am being taught and now learning is loving someone who does not love you, and views you as a threat. Thanks again.

 

[kbragg]

Read the book "The Search For Significance". No t neccessarily for yourself, but for her. It'll help you understand why she is the way she is, how to have compassion for her, and how God can use you to turn her around. I originally bought this book to help with my own issues (like we all have lol), but have found it a great tool in dealing with difficult, hurting people. And no matter how mean they are, Christ died the same for them....they just have not accepted His love yet. Church attendence does not equal "saved" you follow me?

 

[live2bgr8]

Read the book "The Search For Significance". No t neccessarily for yourself, but for her. It'll help you understand why she is the way she is, how to have compassion for her, and how God can use you to turn her around. I originally bought this book to help with my own issues (like we all have lol), but have found it a great tool in dealing with difficult, hurting people. And no matter how mean they are, Christ died the same for them....they just have not accepted His love yet. Church attendence does not equal "saved" you follow me?

This book looks really good. Now, I have to add it to my list!

 

[Shimmie]

Kelouis, I think you will 'attest' to this...

Possession of our sons begin in the womb.... From there on nothing and no one is good enough for him, from milk to diapers, to babysitters (another woman with our little man ); to his teachers (still another woman with our little man ) to his first girlfriend and then to the wife.

The battle for our sons start before they get here.

This woman is just being who she is...a mother who doesn't trust anyone to care for her son better than she can....

Ummmmm, yes, I'm like that with my son... But I don't smoke cigarettes...

 

[firecracker]

Oh well sounds like she has strong opinions and voices them. No reason to hate her simply ignore her when your in her company better yet stay away from that crazy lady as often as possible. If your soon to be hubby is a mommas boy you really can't do anything about it. Don't let the green eyed fool take control of you cuz you know she's wiggidy wiggidy wack.

 

[mrselle]

I could have written your post. Your MIL sounds a lot like my MIL. You have received some wonderful advice already, but the quote below is what I had to do and it has worked wonders for me.

The way she behaves is between her and God. The way you behave is between you and God. Let God deal with her. You each will be giving a different account one day.

Choosing to ignore most (if not all) of her behavior will be the better route. I say ignoring, but what I really mean is this: Delay your negative reactions and take them to God in prayer...

Some people think that love is a mushy feeling of warmth towards another person. To this point, I have never seen it described this way in the Bible.

However, the Bible does say is that it is a series of actions or attitudes:

I can't say that my relationship with my MIL is great...we are civil with each other at best. But I can say that by loving her and continuing to be cordial to her even when she isn't the same towards me has helped to some degree. I can see some changes in her, but I have changed a great deal. I've learned that God doesn't always deal with people the way we think He should, but He deals with them on their level. If this woman is going to church, more than likely God is dealing with her on her behavior towards you. That's how you know when God is dealing with someone...they start acting worse. You're in my prayers.

 

[live2bgr8]

Kelouis, I think you will 'attest' to this...

Possession of our sons begin in the womb.... From there on nothing and no one is good enough for him, from milk to diapers, to babysitters (another woman with our little man ); to his teachers (still another woman with our little man ) to his first girlfriend and then to the wife.

The battle for our sons start before they get here.

This woman is just being who she is...a mother who doesn't trust anyone to care for her son better than she can....

Ummmmm, yes, I'm like that with my son... But I don't smoke cigarettes...

That is true!!! I just hope I don't get on future DIL nerves...

 

[Xavier]

I think we all struggle with this; because the flesh does not want to love a person who is full of hate. That is why the God in you has to do it. You have to be willing to show her that "AGAPE" love-God's love, which is unconditional. I had to but this into practice myself and trust me it is not easy. Despite what she might do and say counteract it with the opposite. This will amaze her in the long run because she will never be able to say that her daughter in law was nasty, rude, direspectful or mean towards her.

I think a good explain of this is found in the Devil Wears Prada(just because I love this movie and it's fresh on my mine). Well in the movie one of the assistants (red head) was so vicious, rude, and impossible to deal with and she treated Andy the other assistant(main character) like crap. Despite the nasty treatment that Andy got, for no particular reason she was still loyal and kind to this girl throughout the movie and at the end presented that girl with a wonderful gift any women would want(don't want to give anyway the movie). It was a generous act of kindness to a women who seemed to dispise her. Of course to many people watching this movie they are thinking that this could never happen in the movies, no one is that nice to someone who dislikes them. Why treat someone who hates your guts with so much kindness? But this is what God commands of us and you will be rewarded in the end for your good gestures. Jesus had to love the very people who persecuted and later killed him...here are some scriptures for you to meditate on. I will be praying for your situation.


27"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Luke 6:27-28

35But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.
Luke 6:35

43"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' 44But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,"
Matt 5:43-44