How can you be proactive in looking for a mate?

[Kiadodie]

My uncle was giving me advice yesterday telling me that unless I make some changes and look in the right places for a man...it would not come.

I asked him how does God play a role in my finding a mate cause I've been praying for it and yet, no guidance. He said that maybe I didn't listen to God's direction. erplexed

God has always played a part in my decisions, so why not play a part in my decision to get married.

I guess what I'm asking is, how can I be more proactive in finding a mate?

 

[Bunny77]

We've had lots of threads on this... but I guess my question would first be, what do you think you are currently doing right now to be available for a relationship?

 

[Kiadodie]

We've had lots of threads on this... but I guess my question would first be, what do you think you are currently doing right now to be available for a relationship?

Hmmmm...good question Bunny . I've been praying about my past and for emotional healing so that I can be more open (on the inside) for someone so I can be available where I haven't been in the past.

Other than that, not too much I guess. erplexed

 

[Bunny77]

Hey Dodie! I just bumped a thread.

It's good that you are doing more internal and emotional healing. Definitely continue that! (We all need to!)

But, I think what your uncle means is that all of this work is just part of the battle if you aren't actually encountering people of the opposite sex! I see folks doing all this self-work and wondering why nothing is happening on the relationship front... relationships take two people, so you have to actually meet your potential other halves to make something happen!

 

[MizzBrown]

I've learned that you can not just pray and sit around and expect God to bring you all the answers..

..AND i've learned that God does answer your prayers...and many time the answer to that prayer is NO. We shouldnt always expect a yes because he is not a Genie that grants your every wish, right?? Take heed to the No's.. This is my opinion of course.

The same way you sittin there twiddling your thumbs waiting, he's up there twiddlin his thumbs waiting on you to to be proactive.

If you arent out there mingling and dating and putting effort into your step then dont be surprised when you are 45 and still single.

I also believe you need to change what you've been doing to change what you've been getting.

 

[Kiadodie]

I've learned that you can not just pray and sit around and expect God to bring you all the answers..

..AND i've learned that God does answer your prayers...and many time the answer to that prayer is NO. We shouldnt always expect a yes because he is not a Genie that grants your every wish, right?? Take heed to the No's.. This is my opinion of course.

The same way you sittin there twiddling your thumbs waiting, he's up there twiddlin his thumbs waiting on you to to be proactive.

If you arent out there mingling and dating and putting effort into your step then dont be surprised when you are 45 and still single.

I also believe you need to change what you've been doing to change what you've been getting.[/quote]

Yes, I believe that. I was looking actively for 2 years BUT in the wrong places. I got burned out but now I want to start again. So, I'm asking for suggestions.

Besides praying which I AM doing, what else can I do to be more available. I have to be honest, I hate the thought of going to places, just for the sake of looking for a man but then again, I know I have to change some things to be more available.

 

[inthepink]

I would really like to work up the courage to be able to say "If you know anyone..." when people (usually married women in their 40s/50s) ask me if I'm single.

But at the same time, I am so fearful of being set up!

So, I guess my suggestion or possibility would be - being open to being set up!

 

[MizzBrown]

^^Do you look your best everytime you leave the house? Do you smile, are you approachable?

Does your church have any kind of social events or groups that hang out together?

Thats one thing i envied about my friends church. It catered to single people in my age group. They went out together to the bowling alley, watched movies, etc together in groups and were very active and always made it a point to meet people at different churches or at conferences, etc.

Some say you wont find a man if you are with a bunch of other girlfriends either. Go to some places alone.

If a new movie comes out on Friday and you want to see it, then GO AND SEE IT! My male friends go to the movies solo ALL the time. They never wait on their boys or try to find some female. If they hungry, they go to a restaurant and will sit at the bar and eat rather than take it home and sulk about being lonely.

I'm amazed at how he can find women so easily..just picking up some milk at the grocery store, he will see someone. That someone could be you. Just make sure you look good while pushing your grocery cart.

Go shopping by yourself, if someone mentions a barbecue or church musicfest or something, then GO!

 

[inthepink]

^^Do you look your best everytime you leave the house? Do you smile, are you approachable?

Does your church have any kind of social events or groups that hang out together?

Thats one thing i envied about my friends church. It catered to single people in my age group. They went out together to the bowling alley, watched movies, etc together in groups and were very active and always made it a point to meet people at different churches or at conferences, etc.

Some say you wont find a man if you are with a bunch of other girlfriends either. Go to some places alone.

If a new movie comes out on Friday and you want to see it, then GO AND SEE IT! My male friends go to the movies solo ALL the time. They never wait on their boys or try to find some female. If they hungry, they go to a restaurant and will sit at the bar and eat rather than take it home and sulk about being lonely.

I'm amazed at how he can find women so easily..just picking up some milk at the grocery store, he will see someone. That someone could be you. Just make sure you look good while pushing your grocery cart.

Go shopping by yourself, if someone mentions a barbecue or church musicfest or something, then GO!

I agree - get comfortable by yourself. I do lots of things by myself! I think I am just so fearful of eye contact with men that it kills the whole thing. I gotta work on that - well, I am working on it.

ETA: I have noticed in the past that when you are with your group of girlfriends, it is much more intimidating for a man to walk up to you. I would think if you're alone, they'd be more likely to approach you. And I'm talking about the decent ones. The indecent ones will approach no matter what.

 

[Kiadodie]

I agree - get comfortable by yourself. I do lots of things by myself! I think I am just so fearful of eye contact with men that it kills the whole thing. I gotta work on that - well, I am working on it.

ETA: I have noticed in the past that when you are with your group of girlfriends, it is much more intimidating for a man to walk up to you. I would think if you're alone, they'd be more likely to approach you. And I'm talking about the decent ones. The indecent ones will approach no matter what.

Hairlove, I can tell by your posts, you and I are so much alike. I am good by myself. I do MOST things by myself actually except when I go to happy hours etc.

 

[inthepink]

Hairlove, I can tell by your posts, you and I are so much alike. I am good by myself. I do MOST things by myself actually except when I go to happy hours etc.

So you see - we have that going for us. Something else must be missing!

Not in the right places, maybe?

I'm reading and learning right along with you.

 

[MizzBrown]

I agree - get comfortable by yourself. I do lots of things by myself! I think I am just so fearful of eye contact with men that it kills the whole thing. I gotta work on that - well, I am working on it.

ETA: I have noticed in the past that when you are with your group of girlfriends, it is much more intimidating for a man to walk up to you. I would think if you're alone, they'd be more likely to approach you. And I'm talking about the decent ones. The indecent ones will approach no matter what.

The eye contact thing lets him know you like him. If you look away too quickly then he knows u aint interested.

Stare at them right back and wink or smile then look away cause if you keep looking then he's expecting YOU to approach him and i'll be damned if you doing that mess.

You gave him your que so he needs to seeketh you. I'm still working on the going to the movies and a sit down restaurant by myself...Tried that once in college and guys kept asking me "are you okay? Why are you here by yourself? You waitin on someone?..."

 

[Bunny77]

So you see - we have that going for us. Something else must be missing!

Not in the right places, maybe?

I'm reading and learning right along with you.

One can get TOO used to doing things solo... and maybe men can sense that? As in, when you are out solo, you don't make eye contact/smile/acknowledge the presence of men who might be around.

 

[Kiadodie]

So you see - we have that going for us. Something else must be missing!

Not in the right places, maybe?

I'm reading and learning right along with you.

Yes, not in the right places I think. I'm SO used to the club/bar scene that I dont know about too much else. erplexed

So now I want to "explore" other things or interests that I may have so I can meet different types of people.

Doing the same things over and over again and getting the SAME results that I do NOT want has exhausted me. I have to change SOMETHING.

 

[Bunny77]

http://www.rd.com/blogs/heres-the-deal/10-great-tips-to-help-you-shop-for-a-husband/post10217.html

 

[Demi27]

I am in the process of changing how I go about looking for a mate. I'm not "looking" per se, but I'm being more open to different places.

When I have a chance (when I'm not working or studying), I try to go to different meetups in my area. Most of the meetups have a lot of women, BUT it gets me out of the house. When I do go I go alone. I don't go out to restaraunts by myself yet, but that will be next.

Also, I've decided to put myself out there a little more by looking online...even if it's just for friends. I haven't met anyone that I think I want to have a friendship with (much less a relationship), but it's putting me out there.

When the time is right, God will send the right person my way.
I feel it will be the same for you too.

 

[kjeneen]

One can get TOO used to doing things solo... and maybe men can sense that? As in, when you are out solo, you don't make eye contact/smile/acknowledge the presence of men who might be around.

And this is so true because this is where I'm trying to break out of right now!

But just to comment on this excellent thread (thanks for asking the question and to all of the ladies who have offered up advice), yes, it's true that FAITH without WORKS is dead! So while I'm right there with you waiting on God (because there is a bunch of riff-raft out here that He desires to keep us guarded from) it also calls for works/actions from ourselves to manifest the promise.

 

[gn1g]

Be visible.

Look good and go out and about.

 

[cltsassy]

I didn't get married until I was 43 and have only been married for 20 months, so I was single for a long time. Girl, embrace your singleness and become very comfortable in your own skin. I really believe that God wants you to be happy and content with your relationship with Him, and then He will cause you and the person whom He has for you to come in contact with one another.

But it is true that God helps those who help themselves. Go places that tend to be frequented by men. I love doing DIY home projects, so I became a fixture in Home Depot, Lowes, the tool dept. in Sears, etc. You know how many men you encounter in those places. While in there, ask questions and look for help. Take classes at your local community college where you will find a mixture of men and women.

Also, don't be afraid to go it alone. Seeks out events going on in your city or other cities. I loved being single, so I had no problem buying one ticket to go to plays, concerts, sporting events, etc. And it is true that men are more comfortable approaching a woman individually then one who is among a group of girlfriends. Of course, as in any situation, you have to ask God for discernment. Folks out there these days can be crazy!

 

[GeorginaSparks]

I didn't get married until I was 43 and have only been married for 20 months, so I was single for a long time. Girl, embrace your singleness and become very comfortable in your own skin. I really believe that God wants you to be happy and content with your relationship with Him, and then He will cause you and the person whom He has for you to come in contact with one another.

But it is true that God helps those who help themselves. Go places that tend to be frequented by men. I love doing DIY home projects, so I became a fixture in Home Depot, Lowes, the tool dept. in Sears, etc. You know how many men you encounter in those places. While in there, ask questions and look for help. Take classes at your local community college where you will find a mixture of men and women.

Also, don't be afraid to go it alone. Seeks out events going on in your city or other cities. I loved being single, so I had no problem buying one ticket to go to plays, concerts, sporting events, etc. And it is true that men are more comfortable approaching a woman individually then one who is among a group of girlfriends. Of course, as in any situation, you have to ask God for discernment. Folks out there these days can be crazy!

Thank you for this post. Where did you meet your hubby if you dont mind me asking?

 

[cltsassy]

shockolate, believe it or not, my husband was right in my own backyard. I grew up in New York City, but my sister was raised by my grandmother's sister and her husband in SC. My great aunt married my husband's 2nd cousin. So, my sister and my husband grew up together. I started going to SC for the summer when I was 8 and that was the same year my husband left to join the Air Force, so I never knew him. My sister talked about him all the time, so I knew of him. We finally met about 10 yrs ago at my cousin's house. Since I was living in NC by then, I was at my cousin's house frequently and so was my husband. We always talked and shared some laughs, but never considered each other in more than a platonic way. Then about 3 yrs ago, we ran into each other at a funeral and he looked very different to me. I told me sister to tell him to call me, which he did about a week later. In our first conversation he asked if I was looking for a husband and I said no. He said, "good, cause I'm not looking for a wife." I said that was fine and left it at that. About three weeks later I went to CA for a week and he called me every day while I was gone and before I came back, he declared that I was the one. Let me mention that my husband was a widow who had been married for over 20 years when his wife died of cancer. Unbeknownst to me, he had declared to everyone that he was never getting married again. God has a way of changing your perspective when He knows that it's the right time. Thank goodness that I listened to God and followed the footsteps He ordered for me.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

My uncle was giving me advice yesterday telling me that unless I make some changes and look in the right places for a man...it would not come.

I asked him how does God play a role in my finding a mate cause I've been praying for it and yet, no guidance. He said that maybe I didn't listen to God's direction. erplexed

God has always played a part in my decisions, so why not play a part in my decision to get married.

I guess what I'm asking is, how can I be more proactive in finding a mate?

I am in the same boat as you and it seems like I pray and pray about it but God does not send me my ideal mate. As the other ladies said you should try different activities outside of your norm. Try traveling to another state and doing activities there for a vacation you could meet some prospects on your trip. My whole thing about finding a mate is some folks have it so much easier where they meet their mate in church, school or a party they went to and others have to go out there way to find that special someone.

To be honest with you I think God hears our prayers but the question is, can we handle what we are looking for. Me for myself I have a lot of emotional and trust issues, and although I want a mate, I am not sure I would even know how to act if God sent him to me. There are alot of things I need to work on as well before I get into a serious relationship that could lead to marriage. Look at your life and see if the qualities you are looking for in a man match what you are bringing to the table.