Honor they father and thy mother

[LoveisYou]

How does one honor a parent in the following scenarios:

-child and parent no longer speak, parent was abusive and controlling, parent told child he's not interested in speaking to child
-child distances self from parent because of verbally abusive/manipulative ways

I guess my main question is how do you honor a parent when the situation is difficult in the obedience of God's word? The child is ready to move on and forgive but wants to make sure he/she is obedient to God.

 

[TrendySocialite]

I believe a child (especially an adult child) can honor your parent without having a relationship with them. Having said that, I am not an advocate of totally not speaking. I think calling on birthdays, mother or father's day, calling if the child knows they are sick are all warranted. But that does not mean that the parent and child have to have a close bond.

The Bible also tells parents not to provoke children to wrath. So parents have as much responsibility and accountability as children.

The child has to forgive because it's what God requires and it's for the child's benefit. But I heard a minister say one day that forgiveness does not mean reconciliation.

I think one can honor one's parent by having a conversation where it is stated that the child states that he/she loves and respects the parent's position in his/her life, but that you do not feel it is in your best interest to have a close bond with him/her. If the parent is in need of something and it's reasonable or relates to his/her health, then the child should do what is feasible to assist.

Adult children do not have to put up with abuse or insults in order to be in accordance with God's word. I feel that if you truly forgive the person, tell him/her where he/she stands in your life and don't dishonor them in front of them or others, then you should be in line with God's word and will.

OP, since I do not know if you are speaking of yourself or someone else with this post, my use of "you" or "your" is in a general sense and not necessarily directed to you.

Hope this helps...I pray for your strength.

 

[Prudent1]

The child needs to be sure to pray for/ bless the parent.The child can do things like still send cards, gifts, etc on birthdays and other occasions regardless to whether the parent responds. Still make occasional phone calls to inqure about parent's well being but keep it short. The child will never be held accountable to God for how the parent did or did not respond but will be fully accountable to what actions they took. It is a difficult situation many ppl from all walks of life find themselves in. The best example of this IMO is Joyce Meyer. He father was not only just plain mean, he sexually abused her for most of her childhood. She had to not only get to a point where she could forgive him but then she had to turn around and financially provide for him prior to his death a few years ago. One passage she references often is Prov 25:21-22
21 If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat;
if he is thirsty, give him water to drink.
22 In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head,
and the LORD will reward you.

She said the Lord revealed to her the burning coals are representing love. Only a messed up person (selfish) consistently mistreats their own child. They need that love to thaw out their cold hearts/ souls. God is love and love (God) never fails so the love of God operating in you causes permanent change to come to the twisted parent. At the same time you grow in the Lord, are able to help others going through similar situations, and are blessed right here and in the life to come.HTH!

ETA: ITA with TrendySocialite 's entire post but especially when she said you can forgive and honor from afar and w/o reconciliation being in the picture.

 

[Shimmie]

satan will give a person many 'excuses' to stay in confusion about situations like this; however the more it hurts in a relationship, the more it calls for love... God's love. And the love of God is always with us.

Parents such as this need God's love all the more and no one can give it more than the 'adult child who is in Christ, who has been hurt by them. They are enabled by God's grace to forgive, forget and love.

Whether the parent yields to the love or not, the love and prayers of the adult child will heal the hurt that they have been subjected to. satan can no longer hold them captive with the pain of unforgiveness.

The hurting child can hold on to this promise from God: "The hearts of the Fathers will turn unto their sons and the sons will turn unto their fathers. Reconciliation is a promise and this includes mothers and sons; fathers and daughters, mothers and daughters, as well. :Rose:

 

[MSee]

It's quite possible to honor a parent that has hurt you. I've learned it is wise to speak up respectfully about what they are doing to hurt you. Leave off expectations but do not let them manipulate you into 'feeling bad' because you did not condone their wrong. If you are hurting too much and are overwhelmed with emotions keep your distance but maintain some form of respectable contact. Keep seeking God to help you forgive and show you ways to show honor without compromising your beliefs of what is right.

This is one area that God has proven Himself faithful to me. When I look back at how I made it through a certain situation with my mother and still smile in her presence while she is trying to make me pay for not accepting her wrong, I could only say "God is." Left up to my own devices...
Admittedly, there was an overwhelming period when during a time of prayer I was led to Matthew 12 and the verses that stood out was 14-15a. I felt strongly that I should distance myself. It wasn't totally possible since I carried my children to visit often but I no longer felt I had to linger and force a conversation dodging tense, angry, acusing responses. That was for a season. Things are still not right but I choose to honor and trust God to be with me. God has been literally redeeming my name...That's as much as I will say.

 

[LoveisYou]

Thank you ladies so much for your words of wisdom. It's an issue that has been on my heart and that I'm praying about in earnest for guidance and clarity. Your answers have provided me with a lot of insight.

Thanks

 

[Shimmie]

Thank you ladies so much for your words of wisdom. It's an issue that has been on my heart ans that I'm praying about in earnest for guidance and clarity. Your answers have provided me with a lot of insight.

Thanks

You have the perfect name... "Love is You" for indeed that is who you are..."Love" and Dearly Loved.

 

[crwnandglory]

Hello Ladies,

LoveisYou, thank you for posing this question!

Now I am going to be very honest... For many years I never thought I could be a true Christian because of that commandment and the reality of the relationship I have with my father. My grandfather (paternal) would always quote that scripture and it made me feel like no matter how I lived my life and love God that I would never be able to please God because of my relationship with my father.

I was a planned child. My mother said the marriage was not going good but he wanted a daughter and she thought it would help. It did not help. My mother says that I never wanted anything to do with my father as a young child and she believes it has to do with the abuse she suffered while pregnant with me. All I know is that even as a child while I did not hate my father I have always had this unsettling feeling in my spirit about him...even as a child. There was just SOMETHING about him that made me stay away. I was never able to explain it but it never felt right, I get that same feeling today when I meet people who are nice but there is something in their spirit that is dangerous.

Honestly speaking even if I did not feel like I should keep a distance from him we would not have a relationship. I have a brother who has sought out our father his entire life. While I was happy when our parents divorced he required counseling. He calls our father, he e-mails him, keeps him updated on his life etc...but they still do not have a relationship because our father is not interested in having a relationship with him, even though he is a good son and tries to love on him. His family also does not have a relationship with him even though they too call and try to love on him. He is estranged from our entire family, including his parents.

As a very young child I accepted that I would not know my earthly father and that he would not know me. It has not been in my heart to write, call, send cards or visit and it has not been in my heart since I was child. Some people find that hard to hear and will think that it is sad. I think it it unfortunate that I was never able to be a "daddy's girl" but I've known from childhood that it is best to have no father than to have one that will bring you harm. However, now that I am a "daddy's girl" spiritually I often wonder if I am not living up to God's commandment. I do not wish to have my father in my life but I have grown up to be a beautiful, intelligent, kind, loving, responsible, successful, God-fearing woman with a spirit eager for God's will.
Is not my life bringing him honor just as I hope that it brings honor to my Father in heaven?

 

[Poohbear]

LoveisYou...Thanks for starting this thread!

I've had the same exact questions. I have butt heads with my father several times. He's also been verbally abusive and manipulative in a sly way and will use religion and the Bible to support his standpoint. As an adult, I wonder if it's being disobedient if you do not do something that your father says to do.

For instance, he wanted me to stay a member at the church that he pastors for. I could not do it any longer. I felt like God was leading me elsewhere. Am I being disobedient for not staying at his church and participating and doing stuff for his church?

Or what if I wanted to take a nice trip with my cousins and he says no and makes up silly reasons not to go? Is that disobeying if I decide to go and it's a harmless trip and I am an adult?

I also do not have a good relationship with my father. I do not like talking to him. He can be very controlling and negative. And the negativity rubs off on me. Am I dishonoring him by not answering his phone calls or not calling him or wanting to be around him?

I'll be 30 years old in 3 more years. I know the Bible does not give an age limit as to when to do what your parents say but what about when I get married? Will I still have to do what my father says even if I'm doing nothing wrong?

Does obedience really deal with correction and doing what is right, not necessarily doing every single thing that your parents tell you to do?

 

[Prudent1]

@LoveisYou...Thanks for starting this thread!

I've had the same exact questions. I have butt heads with my father several times. He's also been verbally abusive and manipulative in a sly way and will use religion and the Bible to support his standpoint. As an adult, I wonder if it's being disobedient if you do not do something that your father says to do.

For instance, he wanted me to stay a member at the church that he pastors for. I could not do it any longer. I felt like God was leading me elsewhere. Am I being disobedient for not staying at his church and participating and doing stuff for his church? Directions from God the Father supercede any directives from any human being period. If you later find you heard wrong, he can fix that too. Been fixing humans for over 5 thousand years now.

Or what if I wanted to take a nice trip with my cousins and he says no and makes up silly reasons not to go? Is that disobeying if I decide to go and it's a harmless trip and I am an adult? No and no. Not unless you are omitting some info like you are very immature and prone to placing yourself in bad situations or your cousins are that way.

I also do not have a good relationship with my father. I do not like talking to him. He can be very controlling and negative. And the negativity rubs off on me. Am I dishonoring him by not answering his phone calls or not calling him or wanting to be around him? If I remember corectly, you have only recently began to establish your independence. In the case of a parent not willing to let go, sometimes it takes time. Sometimes distance and space is good and Godly.

I'll be 30 years old in 3 more years. I know the Bible does not give an age limit as to when to do what your parents say but what about when I get married? Def when you get married. Perhaps before depending on some maturity markers in your life. Will I still have to do what my father says even if I'm doing nothing wrong? No, but you can learn to decline with a respectful demeanor.

Does obedience really deal with correction and doing what is right, not necessarily doing every single thing that your parents tell you to do?Yes

@Poohbear,
Children are commanded to be obedient to their parents. Children are those who are dependent on parents for the necessities in life such as food, clothing, shelter and the like. Adults are commanded to honor parents. While each of us may have reached an independent status at a different number chronologically there is no mistaking the maturity level of an adult. Sometimes children become confused thinking they are truly adults (ie I'm 21 so now I can drink all I want to legally. My parents still buy most of my clothes, carry me as a dependent, and provide insurance for me but b/c I'm in college, I'm grown). Sometimes adults are confused thinking that they should have a slave like obedience from their clearly adult children b/c they gave up a lil DNA. Our children belong to God-period. He allows us to parent them on his behalf but they too were bought with a price. Parenting is another form of stewardship.

Adults do not have to prove their adulthood. Children are always trying to convince someone they are. When they are exposed that's usually one of the first phrases yelled out- I'm grown. Continue to pray for the relationship between you and your dad and for both of y'alls relationship with God. He'll fix it.

Honor-high respect, as for worth, merit, or rank:
Obey- to comply with or follow the commands, restrictions, wishes, or instructions of:

 

[Poohbear]

@Prudent - Thank you for your post and answering my questions!!! That was very helpful.

 

[Sarophina]

I've struggled with this question as well. My dad has done a lot of hurtful things and we've had a period of not talking. However, recently I've decided to call him and reconcile.
The hard part for me is that he talks about God and being saved but he continuously does evil to everyone around him.
From my perspective, he's a hearer of the word and not a doer of the word.
I think it would be easier to have a relationship with an unsaved father because at least I can move past the bad fruit because I would know he's stumbling in darkness.
But, when he talks so much about God, I feel like it's insincere.
I really want to confront him over it but, I'm not sure if that would be dishonoring him as my father. However, I don't to talk to him anymore because I'm starting to harbor bitterness over past sins.

 

[Sarophina]

Hi Poohbear, I thought this verse might be helpful concerning your question about the role your father has in your life once you're married.

Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh. The way I've heard it explained is that life changes once married; from the father being the covering to the husband being the leader and head of the home.