Hmmm...Why Don't We Pursue Men Again? LOOOL

[SimpleKomplexity]

My status on yahoo was: I don't chase men they always chase me... Oh lord why I say that. Look at the convo that followed. Hmm I noticed that I don't truly understand WHY we don't pursue men. I just follow it. I understand that men like to play "the chase game". By pursuing them we have taken them out of that game and subjected ourselves to heartache...but isnt it more to it than that?

Mr. Arrogant: so so arrogant

MiSSKrazYNKute: Not arrogant just real

Mr. Arrogant: i guess

MiSSKrazYNKute: Isn't that what you told me? You're not arrogant just real

Mr. Arrogant: i never superceed myself by limiting how a situation will play out

MiSSKrazYNKute: *shrugs* I'm not limiting how a situation will play out
MiSSKrazYNKute: but I AM telling you how I play the game
MiSSKrazYNKute: I don't pursue, I am pursued

Mr. Arrogant: then you just made yourself predictable

MiSSKrazYNKute: If you think so
MiSSKrazYNKute: I guess it is predictable, because I won't chase you or any man. That's a fact so you're right

Mr. Arrogant: who said you were chasing me

MiSSKrazYNKute: I didn't say I was I said I won't
MiSSKrazYNKute: reading is fundamental

Mr. Arrogant: i did read. i was also gonna say in response that a real man or woman wouldn't want to be chased. There should be a meeting of a minds and the two parts should come together. so if you think that you can sit still and let it come to you, either you are lazy or delusional

MiSSKrazYNKute: Well you know people think in different ways. You do not have the same beliefs as me and that's cool. It just means we are not meant to be, because I don't change my standards for anyone. Including a man. Have standards does not make me delusional. It makes me mature
.
Mr. Arrogant: a standard is what something must have not the action you must take to get it. if you see something you want and you don't have the necessary ambition to stick your hand out and grab it, who's fault is it when you don't get it

MiSSKrazYNKute: Don't get me wrong. I show emotion towards those that I have interest in, and the relationship effort is 50/50 as it should be. But I don't pursue men. If you don't like it, you don't have to. But don't expect me to change my mindset

Mr. Arrogant: i'm not asking you to but i'm just saying there is a difference in when you called me arrogant and when i say it to you
Mr Arrogant: i'm saying it because you are one of those people who believe that if something not done a certian way even if it comes to the same result, then its wrong. You will never get a man with that attitude

 

[FluffyRed]

He is just mad because he has to chase women

 

[Ediese]

Hmm...I kinda get what he's saying though esp. this part. Mr Arrogant: i'm saying it because you are one of those people who believe that if something not done a certian way even if it comes to the same result, then its wrong.

 

[FluffyRed]

I think men in their twenties tend to be so driven by hormones, that they need to invest in a woman to show that they are sincere. But then, I'm evil, so who knows.

Going with that hypothesis worked in my 20s

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

So basically he's telling me that a shy man will never pusue a woman he is interested in because he lacks the confidence to do so or it's just not his style. But if you see this man walking by and you are itnerested in him, why wouldn't you come up to him.

He also says that he's shy so this means that I do not like him.
That is true.

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

MiSSKrazYNKute: That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying I am a wonderful woman. I am kind, funny, smart, creative, and spiritual. I have a lot to offer others just like many other women my age. The problem with a lot of women is that they go flocking to some guy and call themselves living in the decade and "being bold." That causes them heartache. There may be many reasons why that man did not approach you
MiSSKrazYNKute: He may be getting his life together, not interested, or with another girl. We might not be meant to be.
MiSSKrazYNKute: By pursuing him you have hurt yourself and taken him out of the game. You didn't even give him a chance to show the interest that you are looking for.
Mr. Arrogant: there is a difference between flocking and meeting somebody halfway

Mr. Arrogant: see you assume the extremes are in every situation
MiSSKrazYNKute: Not extreme. Very true.
Mr. Arrogant: prizes should be won and come a dime a dozen, a women is somebody who is willing give as good as she gets. She knows her balance between aggression and passiveness. A balanced woman wouldn't mind going up to a man and getting his name and number and gauging his interest. Nothing is instant. You aren't in a relationship the first time you meet someone so why not be in control of who you meet
MiSSKrazYNKute: I am in control of who I meet, when he approaches me I control if he will get my number, conversation, or even my name. I control if I would like to develop interest in him now that he has pursued me or if I would rather leave it be. The ball is in my court
Mr. Arrogant: but what if that guy is the greatest guy in the world and has all of the qualities you want, and is very interested in you, but is shy and doesn't approach people. and you are aware of his qualities. what do you do
MiSSKrazYNKute: time will tell. I still won't pursue him, but if I want to learn more about him I would allow myself to spend more time with him in areas of our life that we are alike in. And for the record, that probably wouldn't happen. I don't like shy men
Mr. Arrogant: well you don't like me,
Mr. Arrogant: it happens more than you think because i''ve been there alot
MiSSKrazYNKute: *shrugs* It is what it is. Shyness is just not a trait i look for
Mr. Arrogant: well you will never meet anybody who doesn't have one trait that you don't like
MiSSKrazYNKute: I didn't say that, no one is perfect and I don't expect them to be, but when it comes to choosing whom I wish to talk to I still don't pursue

Mr. Arrogant: not telling you to persue, just don't want you to expect someone to persue you. only stalkers persue people. Men meet women and let that meeting grow into whatever it does
MiSSKrazYNKute: Well if they don't pursue me, like i said before it's because of a specific reason. They are not interested, they are not ready for a relationship, it is not meant to be, or they are with someone else. That's fine, but that doesn't mean NO ONE will pursue me because of my personal choice. I know that's a lie because I am pursued every other day.
Mr. Arrogant: :-/ I guess Kristen

 

[topsyturvy86]

Hmm...I kinda get what he's saying though esp. this part. Mr Arrogant: i'm saying it because you are one of those people who believe that if something not done a certian way even if it comes to the same result, then its wrong.

Yeah, me too.

I'm all for being chased but I also believe in being flexible and sometimes meeting people half way depending on the person. Not every guy is built for intense chasing. Some, like my brother who's a very decent guy isn't one to intensely/persistently chase a woman no matter how interested he is in her. He shows interest and just lets it flow from friendship to a relationship with mutual consent.

I think you're both right depending on the guy and situation. Just try not to be inflexible and driven by rules.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I understand what he is saying but women should not pursue because we are not emotionally designed to do so. Alot of women's self-esteem is tied up in how men respond to us. If we get rejected as much as they do, we'd be mess'd up for real. Men like the challenge and the claiming of the prize once it is won. Women like the challenge but we will question how he truly feels about us if we did all the work to get him.

Pursue doesnt equate to chase. Chasing to me is playing games. Chasing also can come off as desperation especially from a woman. Thats not an attractive quality. Pursuing is doing majority of the initiating to get to know the person. Keep doing what you do.

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

Lord do you know this ***** still talking on this matter. I wish this convo would end. Lemme start doing my hair or something

 

[Ramya]

SK it seems like you try an follow the rules but don't really know WHY the rules exist. So when the rules are challenged you have no answer. It kind of comes off as 'game.'

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

SK it seems like you try an follow the rules but don't really know WHY the rules exist. So when the rules are challenged you have no answer. It kind of comes off as 'game.'

Heck yeah. I just realized I really don't understand why they exist. I follow them, but I have no idea why they I do. I won't even lie and act like I do. I just know they work, and I am more comfortable in doing them than how I handled dating in the past. I do firmly believe that a guy who is genuinely interested will come up to you, and afterwards you can act accordingly. This smakes it seem like he is in control because he approached you, but you are in complete control. You ahve the ability to continue or not, you have the ability to give him your name or not, and you have the ability to take things further if you like or not, but the rest is fuzzy.

But then on the other hand, I think the rules are completely stupid. Once I sit down and think about it, women and men are different. Duh. We think a lot different and we andle situations accordingly. BUT What if men came out with a book entitled, Why Women love B****es and the book said don't pursue women. Attract them. Then BOTH of us would be screwed and following rules that does not guarentee us the "proper" or most successful way to date. LOL

Somebody shed some light on this.

 

[FluffyRed]

So basically he's telling me that a shy man will never pusue a woman he is interested in because he lacks the confidence to do so or it's just not his style. But if you see this man walking by and you are itnerested in him, why wouldn't you come up to him.

He also says that he's shy so this means that I do not like him.
That is true.

1 - Clearly, the second bold is false, because he's still talking

2 - Shy men get it all the time. They'll talk when they want to, or just get it from someone else, who will chase them. No skin off a Rules girl's nose.

 

[Bunny77]

Heck yeah. I just realized I really don't understand why they exist. I follow them, but I have no idea why they I do. I won't even lie and act like I do. I just know they work, and I am more comfortable in doing them than how I handled dating in the past. I do firmly believe that a guy who is genuinely interested will come up to you, and afterwards you can act accordingly. This smakes it seem like he is in control because he approached you, but you are in complete control. You ahve the ability to continue or not, you have the ability to give him your name or not, and you have the ability to take things further if you like or not, but the rest is fuzzy.

But then on the other hand, I think the rules are completely stupid. Once I sit down and think about it, women and men are different. Duh. We think a lot different and we andle situations accordingly. BUT What if men came out with a book entitled, Why Women love B****es and the book said don't pursue women. Attract them. Then BOTH of us would be screwed and following rules that does not guarentee us the "proper" or most successful way to date. LOL

Somebody shed some light on this.

About your last paragraph: There are some books/websites that encourage men to sit back and do nothing, or even outright insult women/be playas... stuff like, "How to be a Pimp," or the Leykis guidelines or some mess. The goal though, is only to get easy sex, not to find girlfriends and wives.

The thing is, someone could write a book telling men to do this and not do that, but no book/group of websites/etc. are going to negate thousands of years of human history and people's biological makeup. Men aren't suddenly going to change their ways just because they read a few books and websites.

Now, what DOES seem to be happening is that women and men today are clueless about the proper way of going about dating/courting, and because they don't have proper examples of healthy ways to have relationships, they do this mess we're seeing now. That's why women need to maintain standards... which is the whole POINT of the Rules and other guidelines.

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

About your last paragraph: There are some books/websites that encourage men to sit back and do nothing, or even outright insult women/be playas... stuff like, "How to be a Pimp," or the Leykis guidelines or some mess. The goal though, is only to get easy sex, not to find girlfriends and wives.

The thing is, someone could write a book telling men to do this and not do that, but no book/group of websites/etc. are going to negate thousands of years of human history atnd people's biological makeup. Men aren't suddenly going to change their ways just because they read a few books and websites.

Now, what DOES seem to be happening is that women and men today are clueless about the proper way of going about dating/courting, and because they don't have proper examples of healthy ways to have relationships, they do this mess we're seeing now. That's why women need to maintain standards... which is the whole POINT of the Rules and other guidelines.

That's what I thought and that's how I still feel. The rules allows you to determine how you wish to be treated and what you want to look for in a man, and makes you stick to these wants. But then when explaining how aI feel about being pursued per se, it just comes across as a "game" or that I'm stubborn and I'm so much holier than thou that others have to approach me and it can never be the other way. Make sense? I dont' want it to come across that way.

 

[Bunny77]

That's what I thought and that's how I still feel. The rules allows you to determine how you wish to be treated and what you want to look for in a man, and makes you stick to these wants. But then when explaining how aI feel about being pursued per se, it just comes across as a "game" or that I'm stubborn and I'm so much holier than thou that others have to approach me and it can never be the other way. Make sense? I dont' want it to come across that way.

I'd just say not to worry about what other people think. You have to do what's comfortable for you, and if people say that it's "game," oh well, too bad. As long as you are honoring and respecting yourself, then it's not game.

Also, don't feel the need to explain yourself. There's no need to go back and forth with people about your standards. I still run into fools in their 30s who want to debate with me about a standard that I have.

My standards are not up for debate and I won't entertain lengthy conversation or debate from random guys about why I believe what I do.

 

[antisocial]

I'd just say not to worry about what other people think. You have to do what's comfortable for you, and if people say that it's "game," oh well, too bad. As long as you are honoring and respecting yourself, then it's not game.

Also, don't feel the need to explain yourself. There's no need to go back and forth with people about your standards. I still run into fools in their 30s who want to debate with me about a standard that I have.

My standards are not up for debate and I won't entertain lengthy conversation or debate from random guys about why I believe what I do.

This is so true. You will drive yourself crazy trying to make somebody understand something that they dont want to believe.

I'm not into the rules thing, and I can kind of see where the guy is coming from on some points but at the same time the debate is just unnecessary. I always present myself as this is what I do/how it is...you either get in where you fit in or kick rocks.

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

I was reading a note of one of my friends on facebook, and DANG the intro paragraph really hit me. She said:

Women please know ur role and stop confusing the roles of u and ur significant other...the bible say "he that findeth a woman findeth a good thing" not the other way around so please STOP looking! Let him come to u as it was properly outlined from the beginning. God took Adam's rib to create Eve that's what connects us...face it we were not created first...he didn't take our rib!In the same respect men take your place and stop expecting women to do it all for you or hand you everything! A guy once asked me when I was going to take him out (excuse me) that's backwards swetheart. There's nothing wrong with a woman taking a man out but men expect this to be the case and its not.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I don't think anyone should do 'The Rules' unless it naturally appeals to them. Many relationships start off by the woman pursuing the man, what is the saying? 'Chase him but make him catch you?' I don't remember it but many women have success with that.

Personally I do 'The Rules' because it appeals to me. I think like a Rules girl but found myself breaking 'The Rules' because I thought I had to be more aggressive in the dating game. Coming across 'The Rules' made me realized that the way I want to do it is just fine. I like to sit back and look pretty while the suitors show up. From there I can pick and choose who I like. There is a certain type of man I like, and this type is the kind who will pursue a woman he is feeling.

You have to do what feels right to you and what makes sense to you. If you find that 'The Rules' isn't your cup of tea, come up with your own approach. There is no right and wrong way to go about meeting a mate. Do you.

 

[angenoir]

Great advice from the ladies.

Just my two cents - I think the rules are meant to be lived and not stated ie we state them in our way of being. Putting something like that in your status is actually an invitation IMHO for all the undesirables.

Part of the whole rules thing is that it is simply by your way of being and how you carry yourself and respond to situations - is enough to communicate your principles and what you stand for. And people react accordingly.

Just my opinion.

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

Great advice from the ladies.

Just my two cents - I think the rules are meant to be lived and not stated ie we state them in our way of being. Putting something like that in your status is actually an invitation IMHO for all the undesirables.

Part of the whole rules thing is that it is simply by your way of being and how you carry yourself and respond to situations - is enough to communicate your principles and what you stand for. And people react accordingly.

Just my opinion.

ITA with this statement. I have learned that I don't have to explain myself if I am "A Rules Girl" and it is something that doesn't need to be broadcasted. My actions will broadcast them louder anyway, and plus many people ESPECIALLY men highly disagree with "the rules" or not chasing a man because over the years they have become lazy and wish for everything to fall in their lap. Their problem not mine, they're my stnadards and I'm stickin to em

 

[tiara76]

I feel where he's comin from...everybody operates in different mindstates and yes if you don't know why you are following some rules somebody else outlined and don't understand them then u don't understand urself.....

if u wait around for somebody to choose you, don't be mad at what u get or what "chases" or "pursues" you

men who play the chase game are operating from ego mode...ud have to be a real good player to keep his ego entranced in u to keep him around...the reason why the rules move from dating to marriage because u gotta keep that ego on its tip toes....when u target a man's heart, its definitely harder but once u get it it, you have it...his ego can be captured by somebody else who plays the game better than u do...women who chase also operate on the ego levels as well.....when a man gets chased he will most likely run ..... women usually run as well , esp if they are not interested in him....

its unnatural to run when u are interested and u don't want them to chase you because u wan't them to have you.... but if a man isn't interested in you because u are interested in him and you genuinely show it, then applying "rules" to make him interested already jump start the relationship off on terms that u may not really want if u are looking for something real and from the heart.....if he runs away for whatever reason let him go....if something is meant to happen he will be back if not u keep the doorway open for someone who will be the man u want....

if you truly want another to hear your truth, see your heart and feel your feelings...speak your truth , show ur heart , reveal ur feelings...know that you deserve nothing but love and be open to receive it...if somebody can't handle you being true to yourself and expressing your true heart then let them go....that is honoring yourself and standing in ur truth and knowing that love is what u want and you aren't afraid to express or show it...you will get back what u put out

 

[Bunny77]

Just my two cents - I think the rules are meant to be lived and not stated ie we state them in our way of being. Putting something like that in your status is actually an invitation IMHO for all the undesirables.

Excellent point!

I think this is good advice in general for women who feel the need to "let a man know" what her standards are by broadcasting them (either out loud or on Facebook or whatever). That's really not necessary and like you said, the undesirables seem to be more attracted and love a challenge.

Just live your Rules/guidelines/standards... I've NEVER told a random man what I expect or how he needs to treat me. I show it through my behavior.

 

[FlawedBeauty]

personally op i think this sound kinda silly. approaching a man that you may be interested in, to me, doesnt = chasing. if after the initial interaction between you and whoever and he is showing no interest but u are still persistent that to me ='s chasing. that dude made some very valid points and i really like what he said here:

Mr. Arrogant: i did read. i was also gonna say in response that a real man or woman wouldn't want to be chased. There should be a meeting of a minds and the two parts should come together. so if you think that you can sit still and let it come to you, either you are lazy or delusional

 

[tiara76]

personally op i think this sound kinda silly. approaching a man that you may be interested in, to me, doesnt = chasing. if after the initial interaction between you and whoever and he is showing no interest but u are still persistent that to me ='s chasing. that dude made some very valid points and i really like what he said here:

Mr. Arrogant: i did read. i was also gonna say in response that a real man or woman wouldn't want to be chased. There should be a meeting of a minds and the two parts should come together. so if you think that you can sit still and let it come to you, either you are lazy or delusional

yea that really stood out in my mind as well....and reading this other article posted elsewhere made me realize why I don't respond to men who "chase" me......the chase has nothing to do with me, and everything with them trying to satisfy some part of their ego they think they need or are desperate for....I definitely agree with people coming together rather than chasing and pursing on either end...if one or the other runs whether the male or female then let them run....they don't recognize ur worth and you deserve to have people in your life who do and willingly want to be around you and be with you...you don't have to be mad at anybody just wave and bless them and hope they find what they are looking for in life...if they do realize it and u are still open to them then go forward....to willing parties make for a beautiful union of growth and love....

what types of unions are made where one is trying to prove, convince, seduce, chase, run, catch, or some other way to make the other party want to be with them....

they may come with "pain"...but they can make for very valuable learning lessons and opportunities for growth and love as well when looked at in certain perspective....so there is always a reason why different ways always lead to self evolution and love

 

[kismettt]

um, my understanding of the rules is that it just is, you don't broadcast it, you just do it

actions speak louder then words thing?


:-/


my understanding of why the women on this board don't pursue has to do with some belief of the biology of the sexes & the male is supposed to be the pursuer...or something. so that's my offer to your question :-/ i dont do it because i don't handle rejection well (im an introvert, & this applies to all relationships (platonic & romantic))...

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

SimpleKomplexity: Why not just tell guys from now on that you don't "chase" or pursue guys because YOU'RE not comfortable doing it? Why not tell them that YOU are the one that is "shy" and that you find that things work out so much better when the man approaches you?

I say keep it light and simple....you don't have to explain everything to men. Tell your girlfriends the more "complicated" answer (it's against nature, women usually end up heartbroken, it feelss soooo much better to be pursued and courted instead of chasing, etc), but keep it light and simple for the guys. I have found in the past that the more complicated I become or the more and more I try to EXPLAIN something to people, the MORE negations and problems they have w/my answer. So, sometimes it's best to not tell people the WHOLE story. Just give them a little bit. Just a short succinct answer will do!

Then, maybe that way the guys won't think that you're "running game" on them. Maybe they'll just think that you personally feel shy going up to men. I think they would be able to understand that....wouldn't they?? Afterall, they're always feeding us this line about how soooooo many men are sooooo "shy".

 

[HoneyA]

I personally think the less said the better. Guys I date now have no clue what I am thinking. What's the point of telling them what you expect? Then you'll never know who they really are. When you tell the wrong man exactly what you expect, he'll deliver even if it's only to get into your pants and use it to manipulate you. DID is hoping he doesn't make a wrong move because he has no clue what I expect or what I am looking for. I know that because of some of the remarks he makes. I am observing him and his actions though. Keep some things to yourself. Less is more.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I personally believe men should pursue and women (if interested) should be receptive. That's my bottom line and it always will be. I don't care how many times my friends try to convince me that a guy "likes me" and I should "just invite him out for coffee" it's not happening. I firmly believe that men *always* go after the girl they are really interested in. Always. No second thoughts. If he wants to have coffee with me, he will find a way to ask. I don't have low self-esteem or sit on the sidelines of life, either. I'm out enjoying myself and I know that one day someone will come along who wants to partake in that.

 

[Vinyl]

HoneyA, can you elaborate? How do you get around telling men how you feel?

 

[Lylddlebit]

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