Help! Guidance for a financially dependent wife

[C@ssandr@]

Ladies I need some guidance. I originally posted this in one of the threads, but I felt maybe this should be its own post....for a myriad of reasons. I'm not sure if much background is necessary, but here's what I know (and need help with

So an older relative of mine could use some help. Her husband is ill so some family members including myself have been on high alert because she is not sure he has her "covered". Does any one know how she can find out what benefits she is entitled to in the case he crosses over sooner than expected? She is financially dependent on him and of course he is a cheapskate. Smh. The husband is not forthcoming about this stuff so I suggested that she look through some documents in his room while he's out (yes, they sleep in separate rooms) but that's all I could suggest since I'm not sure what she should look for. Here's his stats:

- Over 70 years old
- Formerly married and divorced
- All his kids are over 30
- The two in question have no kids together
- Not sure if he has a will (he hasn't mentioned one)
- Is a veteran
- Also a state employee retiree
- They are renting and do not own any property together.
- She has tried asking him directly but he is not forthcoming.
- I don't think it's all malice, I wholeheartedly believe that he just has some marbles missing...but not enough to get him committed or anything.
- She does not have access to his accounts nor do they have any joint banking accounts together
- She gets a weekly allowance

I'm wondering if she should maybe consult with a lawyer just to pick their brain (which I'd happily pitch in for)?

Anyway, I welcome any resources or input you could point me / her to. Thanks y'all

 

[Evolving78]

I had to reread again because he is a veteran and a state retiree. That’s a level I’m not fully aware of. Hopefully @Transformer can chime in.

 

[donna894]

My goodness it's a shame she can't just ask him. Do they own their home? If so how many years? Is her name on the deed? What about cars? She can research the places he's worked and figure out what insurance he has, but there's a caveat: he would have had to list her as beneficiary. Regarding pensions, did he set it up so that his widow would receive something in the event of his death? Also the state they live in matters if he has no will. She really needs to go snooping next time he's not around. That's just a few things off the top of my head.. It's probably a good idea to consult an attorney.

ETA: if they have any shared credit cards, make sure they are in his name only. She can have her name removed if need be. If anything she can be listed as an authorized user. This way all credit card debt dies with him and she won't be held responsible. Now if expenses are incurred after his passing, that's a different story. Credit card companies will require his death certificate to settle and close accounts.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

I'd check that she's named the beneficiary of any retirement or pension plans he has. Find out if there's a life insurance policy. Seems unlikely since he's cheap but you never know. Also, to avoid probate (and the taxes that go with it) both their names should be on the deed to the house. I assumed probate wouldn't be an issue with a married couple but I've been told otherwise. Regardless, you want to make sure it doesn't cost her to keep the house if that's what she wants to do (assuming there's a house). At a minimum he should be adding her name to his bank accounts. This is probably a hard sell if they've made it this long without having joint accounts but she's really in the dark if she doesn't have access to his accounts and is relying on it. If he's not willing to do this, all she can do is make a list so that she's prepared for probate. She'll eventually get whatever is in his estate after the bills are paid but there will be fees and taxes. It could be a hardship in the meantime if she isn't able to provide for herself.

 

[Evolving78]

My goodness it's a shame she can't just ask him. Do they own their home? If so how many years? Is her name on the deed? What about cars? She can research the places he's worked and figure out what insurance he has, but there's a caveat: he would have had to list her as beneficiary. Regarding pensions, did he set it up so that his widow would receive something in the event of his death? Also the state they live in matters if he has no will. She really needs to go snooping next time he's not around. That's just a few things off the top of my head.. It's probably a good idea to consult an attorney.

I had typed all of this at first, but since he has been employed by the government most of his life, this stuff should be much easier to find out. Like did he get a VA loan for his house or property? Who’s name is on the deed/mortgage? Did he ever take out a second mortgage? What kind of debt does he have? Who is his beneficiary? He might not have changed anything..

 

[donna894]

I had typed all of this at first, but since he has been employed by the government most of his life, this stuff should be much easier to find out. Like did he get a VA loan for his house or property? Who’s name is on the deed/mortgage? Did he ever take out a second mortgage? What kind of debt does he have? Who is his beneficiary? He might not have changed anything..

Good point. Some people don't think to update their beneficiary forms and other records when life changing events (marriage, death, divorce, etc) occur. Beneficiary forms are the final word, no matter what's in a will or what we believe the decedent would have intended or wanted.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Thanks for the input so far. Here is some more info:

- The are renting and do not own any property together.
- She has tried asking him directly but he is not forthcoming.
- I don't think it's all malice, I wholeheartedly believe that he just has some marbles missing...but not enough to get him committed or anything.
- She does not have access to his accounts nor do they have any joint banking accounts together
- She gets a weekly allowance

**I added all of this to the OP

 

[Black Ambrosia]

Thanks for the input so far. Here is some more info:

- The are renting and do not own any property together.
- She has tried asking him directly but he is not forthcoming.
- I don't think it's all malice, I wholeheartedly believe that he just has some marbles missing...but not enough to get him committed or anything.
- She does not have access to his accounts nor do they have any joint banking accounts together
- She gets a weekly allowance

**I added all of this to the OP

Wow. This sounds bad. Have they ever talked about what will happen after he passes? It's one thing to control all the money but it's disturbing if he's not given any thought to what happens when he's not there to give her an allowance or pay the bills. Does he seem like a caring man?

 

[C@ssandr@]

Wow. This sounds bad. Have they ever talked about what will happen after he passes? It's one thing to control all the money but it's disturbing if he's not given any thought to what happens when he's not there to give her an allowance or pay the bills. Does he seem like a caring man?

You know what? I do believe that he cares about her, he is just ...weird. I have seen him in action. Mr. Magoo comes to mind. The husband isn't blind like him, but just in denial about everything. His room is a mess. He doesn't ever want to take simple advice. He's just ...special.

Once I saw that there's something wrong with him and he's not abusive, that's what made me want to help. The wife is sort of beaten down. She had an income when she got married to him. I won't divulge too many details, but now she has no access to those funds and that's how she became dependent on him.

 

[Evolving78]

@C@ssandr@
Is she able to collect social security?
And that allowance, is she paying bills, household items, or is she shopping and entertaining herself? Does she have her own checking account and what’s her credit looking like? She has to take the focus off of him and start building her confidence and self-esteem back up first. Get a hold of whatever resources are available to her and start becoming interdependent. Because regardless if he has money and resources put in place for her, she won’t know what to do with it because she lost how to manage her own life and well-being.

 

[Evolving78]

You know what? I do believe that he cares about her, he is just ...weird. I have seen him in action. Mr. Magoo comes to mind. The husband isn't blind like him, but just in denial about everything. His room is a mess. He doesn't ever want to take simple advice. He's just ...special.

Once I saw that there's something wrong with him and he's not abusive, that's what made me want to help. The wife is sort of beaten down. She had an income when she got married to him. I won't divulge too many details, but now she has no access to those funds and that's how she became dependent on him.

He might have ocpd, be miserly, and could be on the spectrum. That type of person needs to be in control of his or her environment for their own safety and security. The fact that he seemed to take care of everything, led her to believe she could take her hand off of the wheel. But that type of person may be very demanding and can wear a person down.

 

[C@ssandr@]

@C@ssandr@
Is she able to collect social security?
And that allowance, is she paying bills, household items, or is she shopping and entertaining herself? Does she have her own checking account and what’s her credit looking like? She has to take the focus off of him and start building her confidence and self-esteem back up first. Get a hold of whatever resources are available to her and start becoming interdependent. Because regardless if he has money and resources put in place for her, she won’t know what to do with it because she lost how to manage her own life and well-being.

She is not eligible for social security. He handles all of the bills. The allowance is for her to do whatever with...and it's very meager. But all of their needs are covered.

She's seems ok with money, because before him she had some kind of income. She also had her own money at the beginning of the marriage. So I'm not really worried about how she'll handle his funds if his time comes before hers.

Also she seems to be managing on the budget he has her on. Honestly since that seems to be going ok, I'm not concerned about that. This man is on his last leg so I'm trying to help with what's more pressing.

My main concern is that she is not left destitute if he crosses over sooner than expected.

**Because folks see that I'm single and childless and may think that I'm first in line for her care. #justkeepingitreal

 

[Evolving78]

She is not eligible for social security. He handles all of the bills. The allowance is for her to do whatever with...and it's very meager. But all of their needs are covered.

She's seems ok with money, because before him she had some kind of income. She also had her own money at the beginning of the marriage. So I'm not really worried about how she'll handle his funds if his time comes before hers.

Also she seems to be managing on the budget he has her on. Honestly since that seems to be going ok, I'm not concerned about that. This man is on his last leg so I'm trying to help with what's more pressing.

My main concern is that she is not left destitute if he crosses over sooner than expected.

**Because folks see that I'm single and childless and may think that I'm first in line for her care. #justkeepingitreal

Then don’t worry about it anymore. This relative sounds like she is capable of still taking care of herself and knowledgeable enough to find out things on her own. You hit it on the nail at the end. If they aren’t worried enough to start finding stuff out at this stage of the game, then you shouldn’t either. Somebody is looking for a potential caregiver..

 

[C@ssandr@]

Then don’t worry about it anymore. This relative sounds like she is capable of still taking care of herself and knowledgeable enough to find out things on her own. You hit it on the nail at the end. If they aren’t worried enough to start finding stuff out at this stage of the game, then you shouldn’t either. Somebody is looking for a potential caregiver..

Well, on some level she is not capable. This is why I'd like to assist her. She is family and the circumstances are what they are. It won't cost me much to help her get the paper work together.

Which is why my question (in so many words lol) was "what paper work should she look for?"

 

[faithVA]

Have her get a lawyer that specializes in this. They can do all of the tracking and reaching out to the appropriate parties in a faster fashion than she can do it on her own. Also legal firms carry more weight when trying to get the appropriate information. I have a friend who is going through something similar and her lawyer is doing the paperwork and giving her guidance. He is able to do in months what she has been trying to do for years. I think she would be overwhelmed trying to do this on her own.

 

[C@ssandr@]

Have her get a lawyer that specializes in this. They can do all of the tracking and reaching out to the appropriate parties in a faster fashion than she can do it on her own. Also legal firms carry more weight when trying to get the appropriate information. I have a friend who is going through something similar and her lawyer is doing the paperwork and giving her guidance. He is able to do in months what she has been trying to do for years. I think she would be overwhelmed trying to do this on her own.

Thanks!