hellz no, i ain't talking about my exes!

[sunshinebeautiful]

What would you think if a guy was completely unwilling to discuss any information about his past relationships? Like unwilling to come up off of any information? Saying that he thought it was pointless to discuss past relationships. Does this sound like a red flag to you?

 

[Deluxe]

That would definitely be a red flag for me!!

I don't need to know all the intimate details of a guys previous relationships but I need to know some stuff to be able to gauge if your stable, sane, and mature.

Important info would be the length of the relationships, the type of women you dated, and reasons for ending the relationship, amongst other things .

 

[CandiceC]

Yes. Red flag. How could he think it's pointless? That's like him saying the women, experiences, lessons learned in the relationships were pointless.

 

[winterinatl]

I'd think he had something to hide.

In the future you might try getting the information in a less direct way, say, by asking something like, "If you could change something about the way your last relationship went, what would it be?" or "What mistakes did YOU make in your last relationship - what did you learn from them?"

I think these type of questions let him know you are intelligent, and that you realize that rarely is there one completely innocent party in a break up...less chance of him blaming the ex in future conversations. I also think the rational way in which you ask the question might keep him from being on the defensive.

Also, I don't really think you need to know how his last relationships went. In my experience, all the s hi t t y things that happened to me, I saw signs of. Of course if I'd been told ahead of time that he did that to other females I wouldn't have given him the time of day, but looking back, I knew he weren't no good, lol.

Don't ask about it anymore. Don't sleep with him. Just observe his ways, note how he treats you. Men don't tend to change; how he treats you is probably how he treated his exes. (IMO).

 

[BroadstreetBully]

NO NO NO! I've made this mistake. I need to know about exes in the BEGINNING of the relationship. I know that many will say it's taboo...but I've dated some guys who played that "I just don't want to talk about it right now" card, and later when they fessed up, I felt duped.

The one that ended earlier this year, he finally opened up more about his last relationship. I learned about how manipulating he was, and that he would constantly break up with his last girlfriend as a way to control her. The last time he broke up with her, she didn't take him back. He was still in love with her while he was dating me, he dumped me because he figured he might still have a chance with her, she told him she didn't want anything to do with him. He's a mess now. I see crack in his future.

My last relationship, I had to beg the guy to tell me why they broke up. He finally fessed up that it was because his parents were racist (he is white). I felt like I should have known about his racist parents from the beginning. He and his father almost got into a physical fight when he announced that he was going to marry his last girl. So he felt torn between what to do, his last girlfriend took this as a sign that he wasn't willing to stand up for her, so she broke up with him. This was a sign that right now, his family situation can complicate things. No sir, this is the 21st century, I ain't dealing with that!

Sorry for going on a tangent, but I just wanted to show examples of how important it is to know these things. You don't have to know all the details, but enough to figure out what sort of obstacles your own relationship might face.

 

[Lilakoi’s_Sister]

i agree with everyone else. yes it is a red flag. whenever i was with someone that would not discuss their past relationships it was because they were hiding something. unfortunately for me, i found out what that something was by the way i was treated. imo, find out something about those past relationships before you get in too deep. also, to me, if a man is serious about getting to know me and being with me then he will be open about at least some of the things he experienced in past relationships. to me, it shows openness and trust which is something i must have if i'm going to be with a man. good luck.

 

[Whimsy]

That's definitely a red flag. He probably chopped those poor chicks up and buried them in tha backyard. Thats why he's not talkin. He don't wanna incriminate himself!! Watch your step or you'll be out there too

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

That's definitely a red flag. He probably chopped those poor chicks up and buried them in tha backyard. Thats why he's not talkin. He don't wanna incriminate himself!! Watch your step or you'll be out there too

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Yes. Red flag. How could he think it's pointless? That's like him saying the women, experiences, lessons learned in the relationships were pointless.

That's what I said. This is a friend of mine going through this. And she keeps talking about it, but I don't know what to tell her. Seems shady to me.

I asked about how could he think it's pointless. That sounded really harsh to me. She said he said that he learned what he needed to learn from those relationships and doesn't want to rehash the details. He says it's pointless to talk about it. And keeps stalling like, I just don't want to get into it now. But then when she broaches the subject, he keeps saying later, he doesn't want to talk about it now.

I told her that it sounds really suspicious to me. Like he's hiding something.

 

[sky_blu]

I wouldnt want to discuss it. I had a guy who would constantly bring up his exes and its like I didnt want to know about what he did with the other chicks. I mean in the beginning it was ok because he let me know how he was treated and why he did certain things but after awhile it became annoying. He wondered why I never talked about mine and I wasnt trying to hide anything I just dont like talking about the past especially after I was done wrong. Thats why their exes. If he wants to share let him, if he doesnt then leave it alone if he's doing you right.

 

[CandiceC]

That's what I said. This is a friend of mine going through this. And she keeps talking about it, but I don't know what to tell her. Seems shady to me.

I asked about how could he think it's pointless. That sounded really harsh to me. She said he said that he learned what he needed to learn from those relationships and doesn't want to rehash the details. He says it's pointless to talk about it. And keeps stalling like, I just don't want to get into it now. But then when she broaches the subject, he keeps saying later, he doesn't want to talk about it now.

I told her that it sounds really suspicious to me. Like he's hiding something.

Yeah. Exactly. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out discussion. Just because he's starting anew with someone else doesn't mean that past experiences won't have an affect on his present relationship in some way.

 

[guudhair]

Maybe he's still trying to get over one of his exes and really doesn't want to tell/show someone he's still hurting...

also, just because "he thinks" it's "pointless" doesn't mean that it will be for her also...what if he was abusing his ex? (not that he would tell)...what if drugs caused the break up (on his part)...or what if his ex was the cause...

anyway, his "NEW WOMAN" asked him a question....so, whatever his reason/excuse is, he should man up, fess up and answer up instead of having her wondering/guessing....because we all know we tend to think the worse when we're left to guess

 

[princezz]

I wouldnt want to discuss it. I had a guy who would constantly bring up his exes and its like I didnt want to know about what he did with the other chicks. I mean in the beginning it was ok because he let me know how he was treated and why he did certain things but after awhile it became annoying. He wondered why I never talked about mine and I wasnt trying to hide anything I just dont like talking about the past especially after I was done wrong. Thats why their exes. If he wants to share let him, if he doesnt then leave it alone if he's doing you right.

ITA He will eventually talk about it gradually anyways.

 

[Princess4real]

NO NO NO! I've made this mistake. I need to know about exes in the BEGINNING of the relationship. I know that many will say it's taboo...but I've dated some guys who played that "I just don't want to talk about it right now" card, and later when they fessed up, I felt duped.

The one that ended earlier this year, he finally opened up more about his last relationship. I learned about how manipulating he was, and that he would constantly break up with his last girlfriend as a way to control her. The last time he broke up with her, she didn't take him back. He was still in love with her while he was dating me, he dumped me because he figured he might still have a chance with her, she told him she didn't want anything to do with him. He's a mess now. I see crack in his future.

My last relationship, I had to beg the guy to tell me why they broke up. He finally fessed up that it was because his parents were racist (he is white). I felt like I should have known about his racist parents from the beginning. He and his father almost got into a physical fight when he announced that he was going to marry his last girl. So he felt torn between what to do, his last girlfriend took this as a sign that he wasn't willing to stand up for her, so she broke up with him. This was a sign that right now, his family situation can complicate things. No sir, this is the 21st century, I ain't dealing with that!

Sorry for going on a tangent, but I just wanted to show examples of how important it is to know these things. You don't have to know all the details, but enough to figure out what sort of obstacles your own relationship might face.