Healthy Boundaries Vs. Playing Games

[TinyBlu]

So, some colleagues and I (both male and female) had an interesting debate last night, and I was quite surprised by the male vs. female viewpoints on the issue and thought I'd get some more input.

The situation: Two people have been seeing each other for 6 months. They spend a lot of time together, have met each others' friends and families and aren't seeing / sleeping with other people. They have "the talk" and he says that they are not in a committed relationship, and she wants to know what to do.

We've all heard this one if not been there/ done that ourselves. Many females said RUN while some suggested getting more insight into why the guy didn't want to commit despite behaving like being in a relationship. The men said "It's only a title... go with the flow... if it ain't broke don't fix it," type responses.

MY TAKE: Pull back a bit. I said she should reduce her level of availability to that of "just dating" vs. being a "girlfriend". Maybe he's gotten comfortable and isn't taking the next step because he's getting all boyfriend benefits without the buy in.

Surprisingly, a lot of the guys thought this was playing games. In my mind, it's just setting healthy boundaries. I think ending things abruptly may be a little harsh, but observing how the guy reacts to pulling back a bit could give her the answer she needs.

Needless to say... it was a VERY interesting conversation.

So... pulling back when a guy doesn't commit (reducing time / intimacy / availability, etc)... is that "tit for tat" or just being a Grown A** Woman who knows what she wants and honors herself?

 

[GreenEyedJen]

That's definitely not playing games. The men said that's playing games because it ruins his game. The women and men both know that he's in the wrong.

 

[LadyPBC]

So they are in a monogamous relationship but not a committed one? So, for now I'm good 'sexing/chilling with/doing' you but when/if I find someone else who peaks my interest I'm out? Is that what this means?

 

[Lylddlebit]

To me it's playing games if the behavior is intended to elicit a response from the guy. If you are just doing what is best for you(used generally) naturally, sure back off from him. However as opposed to "pulling back" to gauge his response be prepared to walk away completely if your needs are not being met. Women do not have to bait men into entering an official relationship with them. I know the casual dating/rotation bandwagon is popular right now, but ladies please know and believe that if a man goes on a date with you and after the date is like "well I had fun with Jane tonight but I wonder what Jen is on for next week", the experience was mediocre for him and frankly you can do better. If you go on a date with Joe and after is like "but Jack is on for Saturday" time is something you won't get back after it is gone... consider how valuable yours is. I have never had a dude wondering about the next chick while he is dating me and being given my exclusive personal(not even sexual) time. That don't even make sense. Don't underestimate how captivating you are to the man who will actually deserve you. She shouldn't pull back she should be done with it. Six months is enough time for him to enter into a relationship with her if that is what he was truly after. Six months was a generous amount of patience on her part. I hate to disagree with the consensus but I do see the "pull back" as a game when it's used to elicit a reaction. Just do what is best for you. A man has had the pleasure of your intentional and personal company for 6 months and is nonchalant about you? Girl move on...pretty girls have options just waiting for their chance.

 

[cinnespice]

So they are in a monogamous relationship but not a committed one? So, for now I'm good 'sexing/chilling with/doing' you but when/if I find someone else who peaks my interest I'm out? Is that what this means?

I have seen people say they are in ethically non- monogamous aka open relationship.
But that right there is not a relationship y'all are just in a situationship where they guy feels he can do whatever he wants but the woman can not. I agree with @Lylddlebit after 6 months if i heard this from a guys mouth then I would be out the door.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

6 months into this thing and we are still trying to "define" things. A woman who wants a relationship but sticks around for this is playing no one but herself. Men don't want women to react because he can keep dragging it out getting the girlfriend fringe benefits then anytime she gets out of pocket he has the trump card in his pocket to hit her with "we aren't in a relationship!"

 

[Dposh167]

It's not playing games at all. Don't listen to those men. How old are the men giving out that advice OP?
...if she's trying to be in a committed relationship with this man and he's not there yet, she has every right to do what she needs to do

 

[blessedandfavoured]

6 months into this thing and we are still trying to "define" things. A woman who wants a relationship but sticks around for this is playing no one but herself. Men don't want women to react because he can keep dragging it out getting the girlfriend fringe benefits then anytime she gets out of pocket he has the trump card in his pocket to hit her with "we aren't in a relationship!"

Allow me to take it one step further - these men aren't getting 'girlfriend benefits', they're getting WIFE benefits without doing anything to warrant them. Such men are weak and predatory, and I'm starting to think that women in these situations don't love themselves very much (or at all).

 

[Ayesha81]

delete.

 

[PrissiSippi]

That's definitely not playing games. The men said that's playing games because it ruins his game. The women and men both know that he's in the wrong.

Of course men are going to say it's playing games when it messes up theirs. Lol It's all a mental game.

 

[MissNina]

If a guy isn’t trying to apply a title on you after a few dates, he’ll never be as into you as you should want a man to be, IMO. Men like possessing things - they claim everything that matters to them from sports teams to cars. If you have to ask “what are we?” then you might as well throw in the towel - that is not the man you’re going to be with and marry, or at least happily.

In fact, this whole scenario annoys me Bc some women act like they have no power or say and then are treated as such. “Go along” women go through a lot of avoidable nonsense. Smh.

 

[TinyBlu]

I totally agree with solidifying the reasons behind the "pull back". If it is just to illicit a response, then yes that is definitely playing games, but if it's for "self preservation", then I don't see anything wrong with guarding one's heart.

...and I also agree that if someone hasn't committed in 6 months, then they may not have any intentions of committing. It's sad how women do themselves such a massive disservice by settling for crumbs when they deserve the whole cake. Ultimately they have to believe that they deserve the cake before entering a relationship...

 

[TinyBlu]

It's not playing games at all. Don't listen to those men. How old are the men giving out that advice OP?
...if she's trying to be in a committed relationship with this man and he's not there yet, she has every right to do what she needs to do

These men range from mid thirties to mid fifties... (too old for nonsense I would think).