Have You Found Peace In Being Single (by Circumstance)?

For the most part, yes.

I don't know if there was anything in particular I did to get to this point, but I just kind of had the realization that life moves forward regardless. It's not an easy fix and I can't just curl up in a corner and die cuz I haven't found Mr. Right.

As for advice, I would say as much as you can, learn to enjoy the freedom. Not that being in a relationship is like being in some kind of prison, but there is a level of accountability and consideration for the other person that is expected if the relationship is to work. After yeeeears of being selfless, but dealing with selfish people, I like only having to think about me and what I want/don't want to do.

Use this time to become the best version of you you can be. It's so much easier to attract the wrong type of guys when you're not happy with yourself and your life. You're looking for someone to complement you, not complete you or make you whole. You need to be those things on your own first.
 
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I'm alone by circumstance. I don't know the whys, but I'm at peace with it. I use to be that person that didnt want to do anything until I get married. But as time progress. I realized that Im limiting my freedom. Whomever I marry.....if I ever marry.....wouldnt and didnt limit their life waiting for me. So why am I not being the complete person that I want to be?

Whatever I want to do, experience, and plan for my life. I just do it. Because I don't have any second (or third) parties to take into consideration......well do a future pet count? : /

But I will tell anyone, write out 100 things you always wanted to do, see experience, have, expand your knowledge, challenge yourself.....whatever it is that you wanted to do. Go ahead and do it now! If you want to date everyday of the week, go date! Be fearless!

Don't do ANYTHING in the hopes of landing a SO or future spouse. Do it because you want to.

So when it is time for you to marry and consider a plus one (or two) you can merge them with your plans, because you are both on the same paths anyways.
 
Thanks for the reponses. I'm at peace now and have been for a few months. Now that I'm at peace, I look back on how I was last year and I feel some shame/sadness at how much I let my singleness affect me. I took up with men I shouldn't have given a second glance. I drowned my sorrows in alcohol and other bad habits. Now that I'm at peace, I feel spiritually centered and it is great.

What really helped me was redirecting a lot of my energy into studying philosophy, specifically stoic philosophy. It helped me reframe how I viewed being single.

Another thing was distancing myself from toxic friends. I was absorbing a lot of their negative energy and it caused me to feel needy for love. I had a "friend" that I listened to complain almost daily about her deadbeat estranged husband. In those 2 years she did nothing to improve her own life. She just argued with him daily and then would call me and do a play by play of every little detail. This would take up at least an hour of my day 6-7 days a week! I felt so emotionally drained that I became desperate for an energy pickup in the form of intimacy. I had to distance myself and shortly afterwards, I felt a peace I had not felt in years. I'm rebuilding my crew and I've become very selective in who I allow in my space.
 
movingforward said:
. . . write out 100 things you always wanted to do, see experience, have, expand your knowledge, challenge yourself.....whatever it is that you wanted to do. Go ahead and do it now! If you want to date everyday of the week, go date! Be fearless!

Don't do ANYTHING in the hopes of landing a SO or future spouse. Do it because you want to.
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THIS TIMES TEN!!!!!!! I'm not sure if I'm single "by circumstance", but after another gut wrenching breakup with someone who was NOT good for me, I decided to really search within. That's when I learned about and acknowledged my dangerous codependent behavior.

I had a list of things I wanted to do "with someone"... experiences, dates, vacations, etc. Then I woke up one day at 39 years old and realized that I hadn't done a lot of it because I was still waiting for a companion. The women in my life either had families of their own or back peddled when I suggested doing things, so I grabbed the bull by the horns and started doing things by myself and FOR myself and I can't be happier.

I think the key is really learning to love YOU. Realize that life has LOTS to offer and that you can enjoy your journey solo. The more you honor yourself and do things you enjoy, the more like minded people will enter your world, and you may just happen upon that special someone. In the meantime, enjoy the most special of someones... YOU!!!!!
 
I don't know if I would call it "finding peace" but I just have more important things to worry about. Like finding a new job, finding a new city to live, and getting out of debt.

I got tired of doing all of the work. If a guy is interested, he'll make the move.
 
TinyBlu said:
THIS TIMES TEN!!!!!!! I'm not sure if I'm single "by circumstance", but after another gut wrenching breakup with someone who was NOT good for me, I decided to really search within. That's when I learned about and acknowledged my dangerous codependent behavior.

I had a list of things I wanted to do "with someone"... experiences, dates, vacations, etc. Then I woke up one day at 39 years old and realized that I hadn't done a lot of it because I was still waiting for a companion. The women in my life either had families of their own or back peddled when I suggested doing things, so I grabbed the bull by the horns and started doing things by myself and FOR myself and I can't be happier.

I think the key is really learning to love YOU. Realize that life has LOTS to offer and that you can enjoy your journey solo. The more you honor yourself and do things you enjoy, the more like minded people will enter your world, and you may just happen upon that special someone. In the meantime, enjoy the most special of someones... YOU!!!!!
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:goodpost:
 
Quite frankly I prefer single hood over being in a relationship. The only reason I am actively seeking a life partner is for 'fear of the unknown'... That damn saying..."Who is going to care for you when you are old". Initially, my logic was... Well they could always die before me... But then I realized the extra income or even better... Life insurance...would be nice. But in the meantime I am very happy being single. I think what is very important is... DO NOT ISOLATE YOURSELF... Share yourself with others.... Join a book club, join a gym, regularly walk in the park, get a pet, take dance classes, try online dating if only for (occasional) companionship or a pen pal. Most importantly, LOVE yourself like no other. Oh yeah... Be sure to laugh at least once a day.
 
CurlyMoo said:
By choice and not at peace with it.
I constantly desire companionship.
However, my lack of peace comes from my very busy schedule and fatigue and not putting myself in a position to meet the men I want.
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Same. but I flip flop between peace and being ill at ease. I have zero time, and I mean ZERO, to develop a bond and strong foundation for a lasting relationship right now anyways. Trying to change my life around this year to be able to pursue something
 
GetHappy2014 said:
@DarkJoy
@CurlyMoo
I hope you don't mind me asking... But is it your careers that keeps you so busy... Or life in general ? Just curious ...
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yes. average 2.5 hour commute daily and divorced mom of a tween. also have disabled and elderly family that sucks up my weekends. ain't nobody got time, and more importantly, the emotional energy to build a relationship.

I'm actively looking for telecommute or job closer to home.
 
Hmm. I think that being single is always a choice. If I was less choosey I would be with any old dude. I am extremely odd and particular so...idk.

I am at peace right now but I think that comes from knowing that I could be in a relationship if I chose to be. I have been in back to back relationships since forever, and I realized that maybe 1 of those relationships I was genuinely happy and added value to my life.

I am happier than I have ever been. So for me, if I can't have the same level of joy with you as I do alone, I'm not going to entertain the idea of being committed to you.

It took a lot to get here. It's a combination of my experiences, having a steady job, being centered, taking supplements and having a plan for my life that has chang d everything. I don't need to have a man or a child ever, but I absolutely need to be happy with the person I am at all times and that means never settling.
 
I don't know that being single is either by choice or circumstance. It's not like men haven't wanted to be with me. I've been in school, had family issues and now I'm working on myself. At the same time, I've wanted to be in a relationship for a while and because it seemed like all my friends and peers were in one I thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn't in one. A year into working on myself, God knew exactly what He was doing keeping me single lol. I still want a relationship but I'm content with myself and my life now. So when I get in a relationship, I'll be the truest version of me and I'll attract the one who's really meant for me.
 
I'm working on it. I just passed the year mark of being single and it's had its downs but overall my experience single has been really positive. I did my first international solo trip, started med school, learned to take amazing care of myself, grew in confidence and self love. I live in a city that has few of the type of men that I'm interested in (Black, professional) etc, but I have been finding them... however I have yet to meet someone that is worth a commitment. I try my best to live by this quote while dating these days:

"My alone feels so good. I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude." - Warsan Shire

To answer the question, I don't know if I am totally "at peace" with being single; there are some nights that I long for companionship and despite my loved ones I have to admit that at times being single is lonely... That said, overall I'm content with my life, and many days I'm totally elated with where I am and who I am. I'm not ok with being single forever, but I am ok with waiting for real love.
 
I'm glad this was bumped. It took me a while to find peace, but I've been here for a solid year or so now. I reflect on all the things that I can do without having anyone's permission.

Last year, I went on 5+ trips, most international, that I would not have been able to go on if I were in a relationship, more than likely, due to any number of things. I'm able to do what I want, when I want for the most part and that is awesome!

I don't have to deal with the drama of anyone else's problems (except family, and that's rare) or even their moods. I'm very blessed to have a great career, currently increasing my savings exponentially, and just enjoying my life. If I NEVER meet anyone, I'm good. I'm actually doing better than some of the married people I know, so I feel stellar. I used to kind of "pine" for a guy who I could spend time with, but I'm seeing that most of these guys are losers and I've been fortunate enough not to have my life irrevocably changed for the worst by dealing with them. I'm immensely happy, my friends and family are great and I have a career that supports me. What else could I really expect out of life?

I have love in my life and just because it's not the romantic kind, doesn't make it any less important.

In conclusion, you can't have everything. There are very few people in this world who do. I'd rather be single than married to the wrong guy any day.
 
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I'm single by choice and I'm very happy.

The main reason I'm single is I haven't met anyone who I feel is worth my time. I value my solitude, my independence, and my routine. And for me to give my current life up for a man, he'd have to be very special. Plus, I have a very low tolerance for foolishness.
 
GetHappy2014 said:
Quite frankly I prefer single hood over being in a relationship. The only reason I am actively seeking a life partner is for 'fear of the unknown'... That damn saying..."Who is going to care for you when you are old". Initially, my logic was... Well they could always die before me... But then I realized the extra income or even better... Life insurance...would be nice. But in the meantime I am very happy being single. I think what is very important is... DO NOT ISOLATE YOURSELF... Share yourself with others.... Join a book club, join a gym, regularly walk in the park, get a pet, take dance classes, try online dating if only for (occasional) companionship or a pen pal. Most importantly, LOVE yourself like no other. Oh yeah... Be sure to laugh at least once a day.
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The bold in my opinion, is enough to get married on its own merits. I'm 40 years old, so I'm not as picky asI was in my youth.
 
I guess my circumstance was school and now it's adjusting to a new city and job. My solace comes from enjoying the process of meeting and getting to know people. I have always thought of dating as a privilege so I like that process more than maintaining a romantic relationship. My mother put me on a dating schedule when I first started to date which, I think is partly to blame for me staying in the dating phase.
 
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