Have you ever been put in the friend zone?

[locabouthair]

I was dating this guy who I was REALLY feeling. Long story short we stopped speaking. So I went on AIM one day and we started chatting. He asked me for my number again. I gave it to him and we've been talking since then. I spoke to him like twice in two weeks.

He doesnt flirt and neither have I. And he wants to hang out one day. It seems like he's trying to keep as a friend/buddy. I'm not sure how I feel about this.


I usually dont stay friends with guys i used to date. But with him, I didnt want to seem bitter so I said I would act casual and just go with the flow.
If things would have went further I would have fallen for him HARD. He had almost everything I wanted in a guy.

I guess I'll keep chatting with him but I really dont wanna hear anything about anyone he might be seeing. I have a lot of pride when it comes to men, so showing my feelings is absolutely out of the question but he used to have a bangin body and if I see his muscles I might not be able to keep this friendship.

I've never been friends with anyone I was attracted to so this is new to me.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I was dating this guy who I was REALLY feeling. Long story short we stopped speaking. So I went on AIM one day and we started chatting. He asked me for my number again. I gave it to him and we've been talking since then. I spoke to him like twice in two weeks.

He doesnt flirt and neither have I. And he wants to hang out one day. It seems like he's trying to keep as a friend/buddy. I'm not sure how I feel about this.


I usually dont stay friends with guys i used to date. But with him, I didnt want to seem bitter so I said I would act casual and just go with the flow.
If things would have went further I would have fallen for him HARD. He had almost everything I wanted in a guy.

I guess I'll keep chatting with him but I really dont wanna hear anything about anyone he might be seeing. I have a lot of pride when it comes to men, so showing my feelings is absolutely out of the question but he used to have a bangin body and if I see his muscles I might not be able to keep this friendship.

I've never been friends with anyone I was attracted to so this is new to me.

ARe we living the same life?? LOL!

I apologize in advance for the lengthy post, but I feel like there are some things that need to be addressed.
I'm actually sort of in the same situation right now. There was this guy friend that I fell hard for, but I don't think he felt exactly the same way I did. Now he's interested in another girl, and I used to treat him like pure trash (ignore, cold shoulder, shortness, bitter resentment, etc) all the time, but he kept trying to keep in touch in small ways, or make sure that I acknowledged him if I saw him! Used to drive me nuts!

But now, in the past 2 or 3 months I've seen the error of my ways and have just decided to treat him nicely like a friend again and see where that goes.

Like you, it seems like he wants to be "friends", and even invites me places. But it's hard to be "just friends" with someone you're attracted to, so I can definitely relate!

In answer to your question...
In all honesty, I don't think guys ever really "friend-zone" girls. ESPECIALLY if they used to date the girl. That means that at one time he was attracted to you, and you two were close. So, no....I doubt that he would friend-zone you. In my experience, even with the guy friend I mentioned...even though we never dated per se, he has never talked to me about other girls that he's interested in, and neither have I talked to him about other guys that I'm interested in either. Even when I would ask him point blank about a girl that I suspected he was interested in, he always denied it! It's almost like some secret understanding that we have. He doesn't even invite me when he knows that his "new girl" will be around. Either he thinks it will be too uncomfortable for me, or it would be too uncomfortable for him.

Personally, I think a LOT of guys like to keep girls "waiting in the wings" just in case something doesn't work out with the "new girl". If he's trying to still be your "friend" even though you two have broken up, or even though he's seeing someone else right now, then IMO he's keeping you close so that if in the future something doesn't work out with someone else, he can still have you to fall back on. It's up to you on whether or not you want that.

Personally, I have stopped trying to analyze my guy friend's actions, and just take his friendship as strictly that...friendship and nothing more. This way I don't get my hopes up, and if things don't happen between us romantically I wouldn't have been holding out hope. You know?? But, *sigh* you're right...it's hard.

If I were you, I'd just continue to go with the flow for right now. Just take what he says/does with a huge grain of salt until it becomes more and more obvious that he wants a second chance w/you. Otherwise, I really don't think you have to worry about him friend-zoning you unless you start talking to him about guys you're dating etc... Like I said, in MY past experience, most guys don't typically "friend-zone" girls unless there is absolutely ZERO attraction there and they can't even see themselves with you at all ever...period. lol*

You have to look within yourself and ask yourself whether or not YOU can handle just being "friends" with him at this point. If you don't think you can handle it, then maybe you're not ready to be "just friends" with him. There's no rule in the rule book saying that you have to be friends with your ex. You can be cordial if you see him, but having long conversations on the phone, meeting up again for rendez-vous, etc... that just adds to hurt and confusing feelings if you ask me. Remember, women get more emotionally attached quicker than men!

 

[glamazon386]

Usually if they put you in the friend zone then they're putting you on stand by. He might be seeing somebody at the moment. Or maybe he just really wants to be friends with you? I have a few guy friends like that. We get together from time to time and do things but that's all it is. But most of the time if a guy has the opportunity to be more than friends with a friend that they're attracted to they'll jump on it. It's usually the women that are concerned about ruining the friendship.

 

[locabouthair]

He probably is keeping me on stand by and that's not cool

I'm nobody's leftover's.

I would prefer for him to just want to be my friend and not to be attracted to me at all than for him to want to keep me as a back up. Maybe I'm too sensitive but the idea of someone seeing me as a back up hurts my feelings a little bit My ex tried that mess before too.

One time he did try to tell me that I was gonna meet guys in Miami (cuz Im going there next month) and I was like uh no. But I left it at that. I'm not even trying to discuss who I date with him.

The more I think about it, the more I don't see this "friendship" going well. I just remembered why i don't keep in touch which guys I used to date

Thanks for the advice ladies.

 

[glamazon386]

He probably is keeping me on stand by and that's not cool

I'm nobody's leftover's.

I would prefer for him to just want to be my friend and not to be attracted to me at all than for him to want to keep me as a back up. Maybe I'm too sensitive but the idea of someone seeing me as a back up hurts my feelings a little bit My ex tried that mess before too.

One time he did try to tell me that I was gonna meet guys in Miami (cuz Im going there next month) and I was like uh no. But I left it at that. I'm not even trying to discuss who I date with him.

The more I think about it, the more I don't see this "friendship" going well. I just remembered why i don't keep in touch which guys I used to date

Thanks for the advice ladies.

Don't worry about it loca. You can remain friends and catch up on occasion. But don't focus your attention on him anymore. I bet once he realizes you're not around as much he'll start to wonder.

 

[locabouthair]

Don't worry about it loca. You can remain friends and catch up on occasion. But don't focus your attention on him anymore. I bet once he realizes you're not around as much he'll start to wonder.

Yeah. He wants to hang out this weekend. He said to give him a call during the week

 

[BroadstreetBully]

It's probably best to limit your contact with him right now. If you still kinda like him the friends thing doesn't go too well. Once the feelings are gone, however...friendship is a possibility. I'm VERY good friends with guys I used to date. And no, there is no way I'd give them another chance, but I definitely enjoy the friendship and company.

 

[kayte]

Have you ever been put in the friend zone?
Yeah..If I still love or care for the man...DOES NOT WORK ..for me
I wind up getting triggered or jealous or somehow feel I am still entitled
to gf privileges.

I usually dont stay friends with guys i used to date. But with him, I didnt want to seem bitter so I said I would act casual and just go with the flow.

nuh-uh. don't go there.
It's not important what he thinks..nobody cares what he wants or is interested in his patronizing "oh..you'll meet someone else"
what's up with THAT.

What do YOU want. It's all about YOU!!!! Anytime you begin to be concerned about him or his motives ..ask yourself...What do I want?
Be selfish ...be as bitter as you need to be to let it go....pushing those feelings back for the sake of staying in touch or in good with him in hopes of something starting again,to seem gracious ...will only give you the stomach ache ..not him... It's not a flow..right now..maybe one day..but today..
It's sounds like you are still so invested in him..so remember you are worth fighting for and being pursuing on YOUR TERMS and maybe for you... your precious friendship is a package deal that comes under the heading of committed exclusive relationship..if that is really how you feel and only you know that... why compromise..special as you are..you don't have to..he knows where to find you...should he come to his senses

If it were me, and I felt I needed to still touch base, I'd keep it strictly
to sending an occasional card on the holidays until Ididn't need to do that......email and phonecalls wld be OUT..and I start dating other guys...
And I would be completely SELF-CENTERED on nurturing myself ..hang out with warm loving friends ...put a lot of s-p-a-c-e between myself and his friend- zone. You are going to be okay...

 

[locabouthair]

Have you ever been put in the friend zone?
Yeah..If I still love or care for the man...DOES NOT WORK ..for me
I wind up getting triggered or jealous or somehow feel I am still entitled
to gf privileges.



nuh-uh. don't go there.
It's not important what he thinks..nobody cares what he wants or is interested in his patronizing "oh..you'll meet someone else"
what's up with THAT.

What do YOU want. It's all about YOU!!!! Anytime you begin to be concerned about him or his motives ..ask yourself...What do I want?
Be selfish ...be as bitter as you need to be to let it go....pushing those feelings back for the sake of staying in touch or in good with him in hopes of something starting again,to seem gracious ...will only give you the stomach ache ..not him... It's not a flow..right now..maybe one day..but today..
It's sounds like you are still so invested in him..so remember you are worth fighting for and being pursuing on YOUR TERMS and maybe for you... your precious friendship is a package deal that comes under the heading of committed exclusive relationship..if that is really how you feel and only you know that... why compromise..special as you are..you don't have to..he knows where to find you...should he come to his senses

If it were me, and I felt I needed to still touch base, I'd keep it strictly
to sending an occasional card on the holidays until Ididn't need to do that......email and phonecalls wld be OUT..and I start dating other guys...
And I would be completely SELF-CENTERED on nurturing myself ..hang out with warm loving friends ...put a lot of s-p-a-c-e between myself and his friend- zone. You are going to be okay...

Thanks kayte.

At this point in my life, I'm trying to focus on starting school, establishing a career so I didn't want to date anyone. Like I said before, it's a pride issue with me. I wasn't thinking like lets see if maybe things can get serious, my whole thing was don't let him know he hurt you the last time so just act cool, you know what I mean?

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Thanks kayte.

At this point in my life, I'm trying to focus on starting school, establishing a career so I didn't want to date anyone. Like I said before, it's a pride issue with me. I wasn't thinking like lets see if maybe things can get serious, my whole thing was don't let him know he hurt you the last time so just act cool, you know what I mean?

I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes we sacrifice our own need for healing in order to not "loose face" in front of others...especially the one who hurt us.

But not responding to his calls or e-mails isn't necessarily a bad thing IMO. You're protecting yourself. If he starts to ask you why you haven't been responding to his text messages, calls, or e-mails, just smile sweetly and lightly say: "Oh, I've been soooo busy!!" If you see him in public, just smile, wave, and go on about your business. Nothing says that you have to strike up a conversation with him, or even acknowledge him if you do see him in public.

If you continue to be nice and cordial, but limit your contact with him, that won't be giving up your pride. If anything, you'll be showing him that you respect yourself and put a high value on yourself, and that you don't want ANY man that doesn't want you.

I think in time he'll get the picture.

But don't torture yourself and be on the phone with him just to "save face" and keep your "pride". I agree, if you seem hurt, bitter, resentful, and raging mad then he'll know that he still has a hold on you. But if you just act very nonchalant, HAPPY with your new life now, and don't respond to his contact efforts, then he'll probably respect you more. Remember, men respond to ACTIONS, not words.

 

[locabouthair]

[/B]

I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes we sacrifice our own need for healing in order to not "loose face" in front of others...especially the one who hurt us.

But not responding to his calls or e-mails isn't necessarily a bad thing IMO. You're protecting yourself. If he starts to ask you why you haven't been responding to his text messages, calls, or e-mails, just smile sweetly and lightly say: "Oh, I've been soooo busy!!" If you see him in public, just smile, wave, and go on about your business. Nothing says that you have to strike up a conversation with him, or even acknowledge him if you do see him in public.

If you continue to be nice and cordial, but limit your contact with him, that won't be giving up your pride. If anything, you'll be showing him that you respect yourself and put a high value on yourself, and that you don't want ANY man that doesn't want you.

I think in time he'll get the picture.

But don't torture yourself and be on the phone with him just to "save face" and keep your "pride". I agree, if you seem hurt, bitter, resentful, and raging mad then he'll know that he still has a hold on you. But if you just act very nonchalant, HAPPY with your new life now, and don't respond to his contact efforts, then he'll probably respect you more. Remember, men respond to ACTIONS, not words.

This is so true. I guess that's why they say success is the best revenge.

I don't know. The last time we spoke it was starting to feel like he was really just a friend to me. That maybe we really can just be friends and that's it.

I tried to save face with my ex and he came to my house on xmas day and told me about all the girls he slept with, plus details I was acting so cool about it when he told me but when he left I balled my eyes out. worse xmas I ever had

 

[laCriolla]

I tried to save face with my ex and he came to my house on xmas day and told me about all the girls he slept with, plus details I was acting so cool about it when he told me but when he left I balled my eyes out. worse xmas I ever had

why would he do that?
it sounds like he wanted to make you feel bad, or wanted to make himself feel good.

why on christmas, too? He couldn't stop by on another day?

btw, is he from the bronx?

 

[locabouthair]

why would he do that?
it sounds like he wanted to make you feel bad, or wanted to make himself feel good.

why on christmas, too? He couldn't stop by on another day?

btw, is he from the bronx?

No he's from brooklyn.

Girl, i don't know but I'm so glad I felt him alone....He still calls every now and then trying to get back with me