Giving Up on Marriage and Having a Child

[Ms Red]

I couldn't think of a catchy title to this thread... so

I got some advice from my mom (who is my best friend and also my prayer partner) and wonder if any of you ladies received similar advice. She knows that I desire to marry and start a family. As I have dated men, together we have watched the bridal shows and read the magazines in fun (aka planning for the future and daydreaming). I spent several years focusing on my career (climbing the "corporate ladder" ), dating a loser or 4 and just having fun and traveling. There's also not much out here (dating-wise) but the guy I'm dating seems marriage-minded and I really enjoy spending time with him. I finally feel like I am at the point of seriously considering marriage, even knowing that it is hard work.

This morning we were talking on the phone, and my mom told me that "I will support you if you decide that you like this guy and want to have a baby." Of course I laughed and asked her "what about the wedding?" She got really uptight and basically said that not everything has a fairytale ending, especially with the caliber of guys out here (who you tellin'? ) So I told her that I haven't given up on the idea of getting married and then starting a family and that I'm trusting on God to do xyz in my life, etc. She still said "Hey, I just want you to know that I think we could do a good job of raising a child if you just decide that you don't want to marry him but you want a baby. I want you to be happy and you're age is mature" Okkkkay.

Maybe some of this is coming from the fact that I found out that the guy I'm dating might be relocated to Maryland for 5 years for an assignment (Government). I'm in Houston and really don't have plans to move. I'm stable, my job is here, just built a home, etc. I guess I just needed to vent because I do understand that fairytale endings are rare. But I'm not ready to resign myself to the idea of purposely getting pregnant to have and raise a baby without a father. Come on. This is coming from a woman who has been married for 35+ years, raised 3 kids, and accomplished so much.

Thoughts, Ideas? -signed not giving up hope.

 

[Nina_deF]

She still said "Hey, I just want you to know that I think we could do a good job of raising a child if you just decide that you don't want to marry him but you want a baby. I want you to be happy and you're age is mature"

I think that you have a wonderful, loving mother!!!
She's willing to support you no matter what and understands that not everything turns out as planned.

I don't think that having a child on your own has to equal giving up on marriage, keep going with your goal but still beware and appreciate that your mother is behind you no matter what!

P.s. I don't think that fairytale endings are rare, though, it's just that everybodys fairytale is different. What one woman will frown upon, another woman will rejoice for.

 

[VelvetRain]

I think you need to do what is right for you and not was is deemed okay or appropriate by your mom. It sounds you really want a child within the arrangement of a marriage so are the two of you working towards that now? The bigger issue here seems if this guy is really marriage minded like you hinted at. Personally at age 35 I don't want to waste my time with someone who is still not sure if they desire marriage.

 

[hopeful]

I'm sure she thinks she is being open-minded and supportive--gotta love moms. She is seeing and hearing about successful, single black women doing this and she is thinking that will be better than nothing, like if you can at least have a child that may be enough for you and her. But the only person who has the right to give up on YOUR dreams is YOU. She is probably worried as mothers worry and trying to help you resolve this. But she just can't. Having a husband first is ideal, nothing fairytale about it, that is how it should be. I hope things work out for you.

 

[caltron]

I disagree with your mom. I think you're much too young to give up on marriage *and* having kids if that's what you want. It's true that it's rare for anyone to get a fairy tale ending, but that doesn't mean that you have to go to the other extreme and just take any old situation that comes along. It just means that you may have to consider some options that you might have been a little hesitant to consider before, like interracial dating, divorced men, etc., but not throwing your standards out the window all together.

About the guy you're dating, I think if he's really serious about you, he'll factor you into his plans if he has to move. Once it's official that he's relocating you'll know for sure where you fit in in his life.

 

[MzLady78]

I've said it before, I am SO happy to have a mom who stays out of my love life!

I agree that it's great that your mom would support you (cuz mine would be less than thrilled, she is extremely anti-OOW children). But you definitely shouldn't give up on marriage if that's what you really want. Mamas may mean well, but that doesn't mean they ALWAYS know best.

 

[Ms Red]

Thanks ladies. It threw me for a loop but I appreciate her support anyway. I will be 31 this year and finally started dating men serious about settling down so we will see.

 

[MzLady78]

Thanks ladies. It threw me for a loop but I appreciate her support anyway. I will be 31 this year and finally started dating men serious about settling down so we will see.

Well, I've been told that I have time at almost 33, so you must have some too!

 

[ThickHair]

It seems like your mom just wants a grandchild from you. No matter how much support she offers, the child is still your responsibility.

 

[hopeful]

Thanks ladies. It threw me for a loop but I appreciate her support anyway. I will be 31 this year and finally started dating men serious about settling down so we will see.

You are only 30? Sorry, but mommy is trippin'. You are definitely too young for her to be talking like that.

 

[FlowerHair]

You're only 31! Please don't give up on your dream yet!

Your mother sounds like a loving and supportive mother, but I chuckled a little when I read that she said "WE could do a good job of raising a child.."

Most woman want to raise their children with a man they love and respect. I think that is in your future too and if you have to move out of state to pursue your dream, that's what I would do if I were you.

 

[Love Always]

Sometimes marriage does seem far fetched but I believe if you really want to be married and then start a family I don't see why you can't have that. The both of you are prayer partners so why can't you touch and agree that marriage is what you desire first?

 

[Transformer]

You're only 31! Please don't give up on your dream yet!

Your mother sounds like a loving and supportive mother, but I chuckled a little when I read that she said "WE could do a good job of raising a child.."

Most woman want to raise their children with a man they love and respect. I think that is in your future too and if you have to move out of state to pursue your dream, that's what I would do if I were you.

Sounds like the "Grandma Wannabe" in me. I've actually considered this statement and then decided it was more about what I wanted than anything else.

 

[FlowerHair]

Sounds like the "Grandma Wannabe" in me. I've actually considered this statement and then decided it was more about what I wanted than anything else.

That's probably what it is in OP's situation too.
No harm in it, but most women want to share that with a man and not their mother lol.

 

[qchelle]

You're 30!? Girrrrl I thought you was like fiddy-five momma trippin

 

[Carrie A]

Sounds like mom is just itching for a grandkid.

 

[anon123]

Have you visited the thread in Off Topic where people were introducing their guy friends to women on the board? I don't know where in Texas you are, but there was guys from that state in there. I actually here Texans are more family-oriented than many other states. Good luck!

Not even 31 yet, you still have a little time. Don't spend any more times on losers, though! Mommy meant well, though.

 

[Britt]

deleted....

 

[Valerie]

You are only 31, you are still young, you need to spend time with God and let him direct you. You can get married and have children lots of them.

 

[karezone]

I think that is wonderful that your Mother is not only willing but is offering her support if you decide to have a child OOW. I think that your Mother is trying to be practical. She is afraid that if you continue to wait that you won't find that special someone and will miss your chance to be a Mother.

I am not quite 30 yet, but I completely understand her position. After my last long term relationship did not result in marriage I had to look at my life and make some hard decisions. Although the ideal situation for child rearing is in a 2 parent household, it is not necessary to raise a good kid. Sometimes you have to accept that marriage is not in your future and that continuing to wait would mean giving up something that you want.

There was a really great article on The Root about a month ago where it was mentioned that should not women wait for a man to make you who you already are. Wanting a child and being willing to make the sacrifices necessary makes you a Mother you just don't have a kid to mother on yet.

I don't agree with using the man you are currently dating though that can just result in a situation with a lot of drama, go to a sperm bank.