frustrated

hellorebecca

hellorebecca

New Member
so i just joined this site a few days ago. got a cut a week ago (last Wed) and was so excited about getting serious about healthy hair.
well, fast forward one week and I'm so upset.

i have always, always had horrible hair. as a child, i was one of those with the broken, ugly short hair.
in college when the internet was getting more popular, I started to read and realize that things like no daily brushing, and drying under a bonnet dryer were good for you, and washing somewhat more often (1-2x/week). So that was wonderful and I finally started to be able to maintain shoulder length hair.

but for the past 10 years it never gets longer. . .and it generally does not look great at SL because it is not a pretty, full, SL . . it is a dry, frizzy SL. I know it is because of breakage. I just don't know how to stop the breakage.

I have 4zzz hair and if I try to stretch my relaxer, or transition, it breaks. If i wear it relaxed, it breaks.

i've realized that for retention, if I'm going to relax then my hair actually likes to be kept as straight as possible. but i am struggling with how to do that because the flat iron is so damaging too.
Wraps don't seem to leave my hair looking pretty, so then I end up 'touching up' in the AM with the flatiron and it's just bad.

this morning, I took my hair out of the wrap, ended up 'touching up' with the flatiron, and by the time I got to work, I just felt I looked horrible. my hair was straight in some parts, frizzy in others, and also looked greasy from my new attempts to 'moisturize and seal!'

the worse thing is that I just cut my hair to neck length, thinking that starting with healthier hair would help on the journey but now that i've exposed these new ends, they seem to be splitting too! already, in a week. and now I feel hopeless that my hair is ever going to be pretty.

i know I'm having a pity party. I just thought it might help to type it out and see what advice you all can give. i feel a little better already. . .

thanks!
 
I understand your frustrations and been there sis. Welcome to the board!!!

For style maintenance, try pin curls or Caruso rollers to avoid using direct heat everyday.

To get your hair breakage under control, start weekly deep conditioning and roller setting. It's a good way to keep your hair straight without direct heat and give it the TLC it needs to start restoring your hair.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
^^^ What she said. :grin:

Welcome, newb! :wave:

Deep conditioning is essential to reducing breakage, dryness and the frizzies. How often are you deep conditioning and what products are you using?

If your hair is greasy looking from moisturizing and sealing, you're using waaaay too much. When I first joined, I was extremely heavy-handed too. Eventually, you'll learn to use a lot less and not have to go through an entire tub of moisturizer every day. :lol:

How are you taking care of your hair at night? Do you wear a bonnet? Scarf? Satin pillowcase? Do you handle your hair with rough hands? Do you relax from root to tip? All of these things can contribute to breakage, so it's important to pinpoint where the problems lie. :)
 
Welcome to the board! First you should probably lay off the daily flat ironing, that's killing your ends and drying your hair out further.

There are other 4b relaxed heads on here who retain tons of growth with little to no heat use and have found other ways to maintain cute hair on a daily basis without relying on a bone straight look - ex. pin curling, night bunning, braid-outs, bantu knot-outs etc. The key to reducing breakage for those with tight curl patterns is keeping your new growth soft and moisturized so the hair doesn't break at the demarcation line.

Make sure to check out the links in the first post of this thread:
~~~The LHCF Guide to Healthy Relaxed Hair~~~

Paging @sunnieb ...
 
deep conditioning and roller setting should become your best friends! you can pin curl at night or use satin rollers to maintain your style. you can pin the sides and/or front back if it starts to look wack!

sounds like you need some conditioning treatments in order to get the breakage under control. i would try using Aphogee's 2 min reconstructor 2x a month as well or ORS Hair Mayo.

roller setting will turn your hair around. go to the salon and get it set a few times to see what the stylist is doing, if you are not good at it yet.
 
hellorebecca

Welcome to the board! Would you be able to post your regimine. Meaning the products you are using, how you wear ur hair on a daily basis, what you are doing to protect at night. Also, you need to decide if you want to stay relaxed or go natural. Stretching is not for everyone. My hair can't take long stretches. During the grow out phase, and even after, protective styling is very important. Do you have any pics?
 
Welcome OP! The other ladies have asked all of the questions that I have. I'm sure you'll be able to turn your hair around in no time.
 
Thank you ladies for the support!!
here are random thoughts/ responses to your questions:

so, i have been adding new things step by step.
i HAVE been DCing recently and I agree that it is great for my hair. a neccesity even!
I also know that most of my breakage occurs when washing/detangling (DCing seems to cut down on this) and when styling. i just don't know what to do about it.

i think what I am most stuck on is having a daily style that is cute, that doesn't promote breakage. the thing is that it seems like when I try curly styles, I end up getting more breakage the next time I straighten it. does that make sense?


Usually my stylist just blowdrys and flat irons my hair, and it comes out great when I leave the salon. . but it's the day to day frizz that gets me reaching for the iron.

i have been blowdrying, then flat ironing until recently. . .recently started airdrying then flat ironing.

I will have to try having it rollerset on large rollers.
i also will admit that I am super impatient and that needs to change. i hate having to sit under the dryer for hours! but, i also hate having ugly hair so if i have to pick, i guess i should pick the dryer.

until abt a week ago I was NOT doing anything to my hair at night besides sleeping on a satin pillowcase. I was too 'proud' --lol because it doesn't leave me feeling proud during the daytime! but now I have started tying it up at night. the prob is that trying to have a sleek look just by wrapping, doesn't seem to work for me without a few passes of the flat iron. so, roller setting and pincurls might work.


here is an 'everyday' hair pic before the cut (attached) . it was a little longer in the back. sorry about the weird getup, this was a Halloween party!

Now it is 3-4 inches shorter all around (it is bobbed). I don't have any pics of the new cut yet.
 

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oh also someone asked about products. . .i was just using random mixes of anything, but recently I have been using more natural products.

have been moisturizing with Soft&Beautiful moisturizer and sealing with organic coconut oil.

washing with Miss Jessies detangling shampoo and occasional Nizoral (my scalp needs that every so often otherwise I get horrible dandruff).

deep conditioning with different stuff. . .this 'Mixed Textures' stuff I got at Sally's, the Nubian (?) line. . .it has names like 'Hemp and rosemary', 'Evoo and Moringa' etc.

flat iron protecting with this silicone-based stuff with Argan oil and now trying a new heat protectant spray from that Nubian line.

also, to answer another question, I am 12 weeks post relaxer and planning to go this weekend for one. I think i want to figure out healthy relaxed hair first. . then maybe in the future I will start the journey over as a natural!

ok. . i really should concentrate on work but I will check back in this evening for responses. . thanks again!
 
Hey girl, welcome to the board :wave:

I know what you mean by never really having the pretty hair and being frustrated by what your hair is doing or not doing.

I've learned alot of things from here and finally lolol plan to be consistent and put them to use w/ a real hair journey/goal.

Some things that have really helped me are:

  • Moisure
    You need something that can get your hair creamy and eliminate that frizz/dry feeling. For me, daily washing, which I learned here, is how I get my moisture in consistently. It works for me, but I know it's not always practical for others. If you're going to wash weekly, make sure you have a product that is heavier w/ the moisture that can last that whole week.
    [*]No Heat
    Girl, leave that flat iron alone. Even though I can get away sometimes with using a ceramic one on lower heat, that daily heat will take your hair out. Here is where you need to find a realistic style that can be maintained w/o the heat, but that you're also comfortable in and know you can keep going.
    [*]Rollersets
    So I wash daily and rollerset daily (airdry overnight). My hair is not that thick, so rollersets help to keep it full. That's another reason I don't flat iron or wrap my hair; because it doesn't look full. This has also given me a style that I can maintain.
    [*]Texlax
    Texlaxing helps me in keeping more volume in my hair. Also, I'm the same way in that I can't really stretch my relaxers and that's especially true if my relaxed hair is bone straight; that breakage at the demarcation line can be crazy. I personally texlax b/c I couldn't find a stylist that would do it; everybody wanted to bone-straight me. Also, I apply my relaxer differently (I add oil to my relaxer until it's creamy then pour it in a color applicator tube) and that has helped tremendously in not overlapping. And it makes me feel less guilty when I can't stretch.


    Anyway, these are things that have helped me. Oh and...stop cutting your hair. I'm still learning this one actually. You think you're cutting it to even it out and make it perfect, but it's never really going to look perfect unless you're maintaining a cut. So you're either maintaining growth or a cut, you pick. I say I'm still learning b/c I just recently went through 3-4 cuts since Nov that I'm tryna grow out lol. And I have vowed to leave it the f alone until it gets to my goals. With the treatments I'm using above though, I should still have pretty healthy ends to where I woudln't even have to.

    Hope this helps, and good luck with finding what works for you!! :)
 
Hey OP just saw your pic. Looks like you have a good foundation :yep: I think just maintaining those DCs and getting into rollersetting will help you alot. The hardest part will just be finding the products that work for you and getting your styling technique down for how you want to wear your hair after the rollerset
 
If you are getting breakage from detangling you may want to use a conditioner to aid you in detangling on dry hair. A cheapo conditinoer will do. Leave it on for a few seconds then you can begin washing your hair. Any cheap conditioner will do. You will need a conditioner that gives you lots of slip I recommend Herbal Essences long term relationship conditioner it gives me amazing slip.Also Kinky Curly Knot Today (kind of pricey though, imo) is a wonderful detangler and is a natural product. It can be found at target.

Also what products are you using? For washing you may want to use a moisturizing shampoo. Any shampoo that says hydrating, moisturizing, detangling, or for color treated hair(even if you hair is not color treated) are all good for OUR hair.

If I were you, and you say you ends are split, I would go out and buy some hair scissors and dust off the split ends. They are just going to get worse, believe me. IMO, if you are using the flat iron everyday as well you are just destroying your hair. I was a flat-iron addict and hair retained very little length and was stringy and unattractive. :nono: It may just be time to put the flat iron down, my hair has thanked me for it tremendously.

What are you using to moisturize and seal? If you hair is oily you may be using too much oil. You just need a dime size amount or smaller to seal the ends of your hair. The ends are the most important part of your hair to take care of if you want to grow it out.
 
hellorebecca You should probably get a good clairifying poo in there. It sounds like you need to give your hair a break. Get on a good schedule for washes and deep conditions. I also suggest checking out youtube vids and blogs for help and tutorials. Right now my faves are justgrowalready.com and keepitsimplesista.blogspot.com, both the ladies are members here. ( againstallodds I think and I can remember the other) For now I would definitely STOP with the flat ironing. Also, u should really hold off on getting your hair relaxed until it is a bit healthier. Slapping a relaxer over damaged hair will most likely lead to more damaged hair. Also, do you just have the new growth relaxed or is the stylist relaxing root to tip?
 
I"m 4b relaxed and the one thing that I know will grow my hair is no direct heat. I'll rollerset or let it dry in plaits.
I also found that my hair likes water so I wash 1x and cowash 1x a week always dc.
Try wearing a half wig or wig or ponytail so that you leave your hair alone for a bit and let it grow.
 
I see you already answered my question, lol. I would recommend castor oil for sealing if your hair still feels dry. I would also try co-washing so your hair gets constant moisture.

Also if a section of your hair feels frizzy instead of firing up the flat iron try putting some conditioner on the frizzy parts(either while damp or dry) and see if that helps.
 
My best advice would be to start at the begining read thru all of the newbie guide threads and learn the basics about hair, ingredients, diet etc. Growing beautiful hair takes patience and knowledge.;) hth
 
Hello newbie. Unfortunately I don't have any answers for you and I have been in a similar situation. I will follow your progress. The ladies here have great advice, so you have come to the right place.
 
hellorebecca - welcome to the board!

The lovely ladies here have said all I was going to say. One thing I will add is that I had to let go of the habit of wearing sleek, straight hair everyday. Not only is it very frustrating, but it requires the use of too much damaging heat. :nono:

I haven't used direct heat since December of 2010 and my hair has been thriving. I remember actually carrying a portable hot curler to "touch up" at work! Talk about split, dry ends!

Oh! Check to see if any of your leave-ins have mineral oil. I can use shampoo/conditioner with mineral oil, but had to find a leave in without it. My hair was dry, frizzy, and greasy when I let mineral oil sit on it too long.

Sent from my Comet using LHCF
 
sunnieb said:
@hellorebecca - welcome to the board!

The lovely ladies here have said all I was going to say. One thing I will add is that I had to let go of the habit of wearing sleek, straight hair everyday. Not only is it very frustrating, but it requires the use of too much damaging heat. :nono:

I haven't used direct heat since December of 2010 and my hair has been thriving. I remember actually carrying a portable hot curler to "touch up" at work! Talk about split, dry ends!

Oh! Check to see if any of your leave-ins have mineral oil. I can use shampoo/conditioner with mineral oil, but had to find a leave in without it. My hair was dry, frizzy, and greasy when I let mineral oil sit on it too long.

Sent from my Comet using LHCF
Click to expand...

Yes, yes yes. . .THIS (bolded above) is my problem!! That's the heart of my frustration.

i have actually read quite a bit about hair and have been lurking on this forum for quite a while. . .but I just keep thinking I am going to figure out an 'easier way' ! Some magical method of hair care that will keep my hair shiny and straight and professional looking every day without damaging it. I think I have a not so secret wish to be a type 1 naturally. I find myself getting actually angry internally at women with naturally straight or just wavy hair.

I really would even be ok with getting back to shoulder length; i don't even need long hair--but as I said, the problem with my shoulder length hair was that it was so damaged and dry and broken, it really stopped looking nice unless I flatironed it everyday, and then when the humidity hit it was still frizzy. (sigh). i think you're right. I have to somehow accept that my hair just does not want to be straight every. single. day.

also one other thing-- someone in a recent post suggested that I not put a relaxer on damaged hair. . .well that was actually the reason that I cut several inches off last week and am now at neck length. . .i think my remaining hair is not too damaged. . .and my stylist only relaxes the new growth. but that is a good point, and that is actually why I stretched to 12 weeks this time instead of 8. . I was trying to figure out how to get my hair in better condition before relaxing.
 
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Looks like you have been given some great advice and that you know what to do now. I guess the only thing left to say is "Welcome"
 
Welcome to the board and don't despair, there is hope and lots of support. You're in the right place :)
 
well I have to really thank all of you ladies for helping me through a tough spot emotionally!

before all this advice, this morning i was seriously considering just cutting off ALL my hair and wearing it an inch long. . .but darn those big features of mine, I cannot rock a pixie cut. :)

sounds like I need to really work on accepting 'my hair is not straight'. . .maybe I should repeat it to myself over and over like a mantra.

and then it sounds like I need to find a stylist closer to me who can rollerset on a regular basis (my current stylist is a bit of a drive) and then learn to embrace the time committment!

well I have been wanting to read my Bible more. . .maybe I can read the Bible as I sit under the dryer each week, lol.

i am so very grateful for my dear supportive husband who has listened to me lament abt my hair to no end. . .but i am REALLY grateful to have finally suscribed to this board because unlike him, you guys actually have some good advice! ;)

(his best 2 pieces of advice: 'why don't you just get fake hair put in'. . . and 'what happens if you just wash it and slick it down with gel'. . .lol!)

see you all around the boards. . .I am officially pumped up again.
 
Welcome! I understand the frustration, and there'll probably be more. You're just a few days in, so definitely give it time. You can change your hair for the better. It takes commitment, and there is no quick fix. You'll learn so much here. Try and visit the board everyday for excellent tips. Your hair will be thriving before you know it!
 
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