Reminiscing
New Member
Hi everyone,
I'm fairly new to the forum. I was lurking the hair care pages for a few months but then finally decided to join when I started reading this Christian forum. I've been blessed by many of the threads on here but I'm writing today because I need your prayers and words of encouragement.
I've had a long summer. My grandmother and my older brother both died less than 24 hours apart in July. Both deaths were isolated situations and were both unexpected. Needless to say, these deaths put me on an emotional rollercoaster this summer. But through it all I managed to find my way back to God. I found the blessing in the pain. I was born and raised in the church. I was "saved" before I even knew what it meant because even if it wasn't in my heart, I had to live the life because my mother said so and I had no choice. But I didn't grow up with resentment toward the church. I accepted the Lord for myself in junior high school and I continued with Him until right after college when I fell in love with my male best friend. My bestfriend turned boyfriend meant more to me than anything. I even put my relationship with him before God. Through it all I never fully left the church, never stopped going to services, never stopped believing God but my faith grew very weak especially when my relationship ended. I blamed God for all the pain and hurt I was feeling. I felt that if He loved me he would've let me marry the guy that I truly loved.
Fast forwarding a few years, I've been single for almost 3 years now and up until this summer I still angry and had lots of doubts in God. But when my grandmother died my faith was renewed. My grandmother was a praying woman. Her prayers were always quiet but they were very powerful. You could feel God working around her. My whole family believes that our success and our survival is due to her praying for us everyday. I cried so hard when she passed and while I was crying one night God told me that it's my job to take up where she left off with the praying. My grandmother's legacy of prayer had been passed down to me. I laughed at first because I'd been so far from God for the past few years I couldn't see how that was possible. I would need to have a lot of faith in order to pray like my grandmother. I doubted it at first but God worked on me the whole month of August and I can say that He truly changed my heart. I read my bible every day now. I pray out loud and I brought a journal to write prayers in as well. I started searching for a new church (that's another thread on its own) and I've re-committed to abstinence until marriage. I was soaring through the clouds until this weekend...
On Saturday, my car was broken into and my computer was stolen. I never leave my computer in the car but I had been carrying it all day and my back was starting to hurt. I was on my way home when my friends and I decided to go to dinner. I parked far from the restaurant and was going to take my computer with me but since my back was hurting I decided to leave it in the car. I new it wasn't a smart idea to put in the trunk while people were watching but I felt strong in faith. As I walked away something said to me your computer is going to be stolen. I thought it was the Lord talking to me so I walked back to the car and opened the trunk to take it out but then I said no that's the devil trying to shake my faith. I closed the trunk back and I prayed for protection of my car and I walked away in faith. Well sad to say, when I got home, I realized my trunk was broken into and my computer was gone.
My first thought was why Lord?? I've been trying so hard to have faith again, why would you let this happen? I began to cry not just for the loss of my computer but sadness because I've been trying so hard to be closer to God, to be able to hear his voice but yet I still can't hear him and he can't hear me. I wanted to know why he didn't protect my car even though I prayed. But then it occurred to me that he did provide protection. I remembered that when I had turned back to get my computer, there were two men watching me. I looked them dead in the face and I thought, they're going to steal my computer. Any normal person would've taken the computer with them after seeing that but I left it anyway and just whispered a prayer. I thought my prayer was protection for my car but later that night after dealing with the police, God showed me that it was protection for me. I was by myself at the car and those men wanted my computer so badly that if I had taken it, they would've attacked me for it. I went from saying why lord to THANK YOU LORD! I prefer to have my life than to have my computer.
So I got up on Sunday morning ready to go worship and thank the Lord for sparing my life but in church I couldn't even focus. My mind kept running on all the things I could've done differently. All that kept playing in my mind is that this is all my fault. If I had done things differently, I would still have my computer. It got to a point where I could barely even sing and I don't even remember what the sermon was about. I'm so confused and I'm very angry with myself right now. I just don't understand why I'm going through this. This is a terrible time for me to be without a computer. I just started building up my own business, I was in the middle of a project and now everything is gone. I'm trying to find that joy I had on Saturday night when I realized that God spared my life but I can't seem to get that feeling back. I just feel so down and angry while I try to resolve this with my insurance company, my banks and my credit card companies. I even got in an argument with my mom who was just trying to get me to stop blaming myself.
I need your prayers. I don't want to go back to distrusting God again. I don't want to lose my faith again. My mind is telling me this is the devil as I've heard it in so many sermons before. I know that I need to rebuke the devil right now but my heart is so down. I can't stop feeling like I did something wrong to deserve this. Please pray for me. God gave me a big responsibility. He told me its my job to pray for my family every day like my grandmother did but I'm not sure I can do that unless my faith becomes really stable.
Sorry this was so long. I have so many thoughts in my mind right now.
I'm fairly new to the forum. I was lurking the hair care pages for a few months but then finally decided to join when I started reading this Christian forum. I've been blessed by many of the threads on here but I'm writing today because I need your prayers and words of encouragement.
I've had a long summer. My grandmother and my older brother both died less than 24 hours apart in July. Both deaths were isolated situations and were both unexpected. Needless to say, these deaths put me on an emotional rollercoaster this summer. But through it all I managed to find my way back to God. I found the blessing in the pain. I was born and raised in the church. I was "saved" before I even knew what it meant because even if it wasn't in my heart, I had to live the life because my mother said so and I had no choice. But I didn't grow up with resentment toward the church. I accepted the Lord for myself in junior high school and I continued with Him until right after college when I fell in love with my male best friend. My bestfriend turned boyfriend meant more to me than anything. I even put my relationship with him before God. Through it all I never fully left the church, never stopped going to services, never stopped believing God but my faith grew very weak especially when my relationship ended. I blamed God for all the pain and hurt I was feeling. I felt that if He loved me he would've let me marry the guy that I truly loved.
Fast forwarding a few years, I've been single for almost 3 years now and up until this summer I still angry and had lots of doubts in God. But when my grandmother died my faith was renewed. My grandmother was a praying woman. Her prayers were always quiet but they were very powerful. You could feel God working around her. My whole family believes that our success and our survival is due to her praying for us everyday. I cried so hard when she passed and while I was crying one night God told me that it's my job to take up where she left off with the praying. My grandmother's legacy of prayer had been passed down to me. I laughed at first because I'd been so far from God for the past few years I couldn't see how that was possible. I would need to have a lot of faith in order to pray like my grandmother. I doubted it at first but God worked on me the whole month of August and I can say that He truly changed my heart. I read my bible every day now. I pray out loud and I brought a journal to write prayers in as well. I started searching for a new church (that's another thread on its own) and I've re-committed to abstinence until marriage. I was soaring through the clouds until this weekend...
On Saturday, my car was broken into and my computer was stolen. I never leave my computer in the car but I had been carrying it all day and my back was starting to hurt. I was on my way home when my friends and I decided to go to dinner. I parked far from the restaurant and was going to take my computer with me but since my back was hurting I decided to leave it in the car. I new it wasn't a smart idea to put in the trunk while people were watching but I felt strong in faith. As I walked away something said to me your computer is going to be stolen. I thought it was the Lord talking to me so I walked back to the car and opened the trunk to take it out but then I said no that's the devil trying to shake my faith. I closed the trunk back and I prayed for protection of my car and I walked away in faith. Well sad to say, when I got home, I realized my trunk was broken into and my computer was gone.
My first thought was why Lord?? I've been trying so hard to have faith again, why would you let this happen? I began to cry not just for the loss of my computer but sadness because I've been trying so hard to be closer to God, to be able to hear his voice but yet I still can't hear him and he can't hear me. I wanted to know why he didn't protect my car even though I prayed. But then it occurred to me that he did provide protection. I remembered that when I had turned back to get my computer, there were two men watching me. I looked them dead in the face and I thought, they're going to steal my computer. Any normal person would've taken the computer with them after seeing that but I left it anyway and just whispered a prayer. I thought my prayer was protection for my car but later that night after dealing with the police, God showed me that it was protection for me. I was by myself at the car and those men wanted my computer so badly that if I had taken it, they would've attacked me for it. I went from saying why lord to THANK YOU LORD! I prefer to have my life than to have my computer.
So I got up on Sunday morning ready to go worship and thank the Lord for sparing my life but in church I couldn't even focus. My mind kept running on all the things I could've done differently. All that kept playing in my mind is that this is all my fault. If I had done things differently, I would still have my computer. It got to a point where I could barely even sing and I don't even remember what the sermon was about. I'm so confused and I'm very angry with myself right now. I just don't understand why I'm going through this. This is a terrible time for me to be without a computer. I just started building up my own business, I was in the middle of a project and now everything is gone. I'm trying to find that joy I had on Saturday night when I realized that God spared my life but I can't seem to get that feeling back. I just feel so down and angry while I try to resolve this with my insurance company, my banks and my credit card companies. I even got in an argument with my mom who was just trying to get me to stop blaming myself.
I need your prayers. I don't want to go back to distrusting God again. I don't want to lose my faith again. My mind is telling me this is the devil as I've heard it in so many sermons before. I know that I need to rebuke the devil right now but my heart is so down. I can't stop feeling like I did something wrong to deserve this. Please pray for me. God gave me a big responsibility. He told me its my job to pray for my family every day like my grandmother did but I'm not sure I can do that unless my faith becomes really stable.
Sorry this was so long. I have so many thoughts in my mind right now.
just saying he is able.
God is not going to allow the enemy to kick you nor bruise you while you are down.
erplexed It seems to be like so many other things in our relationship w/ him. Some ppl are delivered from porn, alcohol, drugs, procrastination, you name it immediately. Then there are some (probably due to spiritual things) that receive their healing/ deliveries later after prayer. 
The prayer and scripture Ms Woman gave you are good. Keep praying and believing in the passages that tell us how as God's sheep we can hear his voice. As you grow and stay in fellowship w/ God his voice will become clearer, louder, and stronger. Do not be dismayed. God says he will be found by all those that diligently seek him.
