Forgiveness in Marriage (long)

[sassygirl2]

Hi guys i'm new here i've been lurking for awhile now so i guess i come on out with it and ask for prayers for forgiveness my husband cheated on me with someone i knew in the process i was friends with one of her family members i mean good friends, now that was two years ago i decided to stay and work it out then last year i find out he cheated again with the same lady i still find in my heart to forgive again and try to work it out. But i know i'm suppose to submit to my husband and forgive and forget but know i feel like i want to cheat too, i know 2 wrongs don't make it right but i can't shake these feelings. I want him to feel the hurt and the pain he has caused me, i want to bust her head until the white meat show. I forgave him but i just can't help to think about what he did to me things between us are getting better but i must admit there's a small part of me that says why do i even put up with this or even is this worth it. I need help ya'll please give me some advice.

 

[firecracker]

Hey chica. Don't change who you are to accommodate someone elses butthole behavior. I would say happy holiday but from what you shared I know your feeling down. Don't cheat like his serial cheating self because you won't get any satisfaction. Remember their some nasty fools for that mess they are indulging in you don't wanna be like them gurl.

Stay strong in prayer. I don't tell women to leave their man cuz when your tired you'll leave. Everyones tolerance level is different. Forgiveness is a good thang and never forgetting is too.

 

[VirtuousGal]

I am so sorry about this...my mother has had to deal with a similiar situation and it is extremely painful, even for me. The only thing I can say is he really has to want to get it together, and give himself and the issue to the Lord, because otherwise he will find it in himself to trample on your heart again, and again, and so on....so please just know that if you are gonna stay in the marraige its going to be one of the hardest decisions to make in your life. Please continually stay in prayer in THE SPIRIT!!!! Because you are fighting attacks from the devil on your marraige that your husband has allowed himself to be apart of. I pray that God continues to give you strength. And remember he wont give you any more than you can bare, no matter how hard you thing this is. Also, if you end up wanting to get a divorce when its all said and done, pray about it and if you feel its ok, go for it. Church folks always got comments about others affairs but thank God we have the word to lean towards, where it actually does permit divorce to infidelity. May God see you through this SassyGirl.

Blessings

 

[mrsmeredith]

Well I can honestly say been there done that and GOD made my sticking it out worth every bit of it. I love the man I have NOW. But trust back then I could have killed him and her to for that matter. I will pray that GOD gives you the spirit of forgiveness and your husband a humble spirit towards the lord and you so that you can see your husbands true heart and not what lead him astray. GOD can and will change your situation. Speak what you desire not what you see. Keep trusting GOD and I am telling you, your marriage could be everything that you dream of or imagine. I am praying for you honestly I am because you need strength and hope.

Trust GOD no matter what it looks like. Be true to yourself, if you stay or leave make sure its what you truly want.

 

[sassygirl2]

Happy holidays to you too, i have my ups and my down days i guess today is one of them. You are so right because i'm a good wife and mother to him and our kids thanks for the encouraging words.

Hey chica. Don't change who you are to accommodate someone elses butthole behavior. I would say happy holiday but from what you shared I know your feeling down. Don't cheat like his serial cheating self because you won't get any satisfaction. Remember their some nasty fools for that mess they are indulging in you don't wanna be like them gurl.

Stay strong in prayer. I don't tell women to leave their man cuz when your tired you'll leave. Everyones tolerance level is different. Forgiveness is a good thang and never forgetting is too.

 

[sassygirl2]

I can honestly say that i don't know what to do i love him to death but i'm trusting that god will lead me the right way and the right thing to do.




\

Well I can honestly say been there done that and GOD made my sticking it out worth every bit of it. I love the man I have NOW. But trust back then I could have killed him and her to for that matter. I will pray that GOD gives you the spirit of forgiveness and your husband a humble spirit towards the lord and you so that you can see your husbands true heart and not what lead him astray. GOD can and will change your situation. Speak what you desire not what you see. Keep trusting GOD and I am telling you, your marriage could be everything that you dream of or imagine. I am praying for you honestly I am because you need strength and hope.

Trust GOD no matter what it looks like. Be true to yourself, if you stay or leave make sure its what you truly want.

 

[sassygirl2]

He says that life is over and i want to believe him but it's hard one good thing is he going to church now. I know it hurtful to my daughter because she's older enough to understand what's going on. I'm praying more and more everyday that god will bring us back close again. Thank you for all your kind words.

I am so sorry about this...my mother has had to deal with a similiar situation and it is extremely painful, even for me. The only thing I can say is he really has to want to get it together, and give himself and the issue to the Lord, because otherwise he will find it in himself to trample on your heart again, and again, and so on....so please just know that if you are gonna stay in the marraige its going to be one of the hardest decisions to make in your life. Please continually stay in prayer in THE SPIRIT!!!! Because you are fighting attacks from the devil on your marraige that your husband has allowed himself to be apart of. I pray that God continues to give you strength. And remember he wont give you any more than you can bare, no matter how hard you thing this is. Also, if you end up wanting to get a divorce when its all said and done, pray about it and if you feel its ok, go for it. Church folks always got comments about others affairs but thank God we have the word to lean towards, where it actually does permit divorce to infidelity. May God see you through this SassyGirl.

Blessings

 

[Sky]

I don't tell women to leave their man cuz when your tired you'll leave. Everyones tolerance level is different. Forgiveness is a good thang and never forgetting is too.

I agree with this. I wouldnt focus on what to do about him but focus on loving yourself and getting yourself together. Then "what to do" will become so clear and obvious that you will wonder how you missed it. Also if you forgive you will be able to walk away without being a victim and carrying all the baggage into future relationships but in not forgetting you can say "been there done that , dont want to do it no more".

Eons ago I was in a relationship with someone who I felt very loyal too but later realized that I didnt truly love him. Anyway he cheated on me like a bazillion times and I just worked and focused on ME and my self esteem issues and truly I was able to walk away from that relationship in one day after like 4 years. I literally put it down like a garbage bag in a chute. I walked away and never looked back.

Ask God to heal your heart and focus on building your spirit. In time it will all be revealed to you and you will be able to accept the answer.

 

[sassygirl2]

Sky, you are so right i spent so many years putting into loving him and trying to be a good wife to him that i lost all the love for myself and it's like now where did all the years go i've really changed. I think back and now i say what have i become i have to get back to me and start putting me first.

 

[Sky]

Sky, you are so right i spent so many years putting into loving him and trying to be a good wife to him that i lost all the love for myself and it's like now where did all the years go i've really changed. I think back and now i say what have i become i have to get back to me and start putting me first.

Yes, this is so important because men know when you are serious and when you realize your worth. Also, I didnt mean to imply that you should leave your husband or that you should prepare yourself to leave. I think its a very personal decision and I know many married people who have endured cheating and it was worked out in the end IF, IF, IF, both people are willing to be committed. I am just saying that getting yourself together will make things much more clear.

Have you read The Lady, Her Lover and Her Lord by TD Jakes? This book helped me out *tremendously* when I was going through some things. TD Jakes' writings are so powerful and really feeds the spirit. I would recommend you get some spiritual books that deal with relationship and self worth to help guide you through the process.

 

[temfash]

Sky, you are so right i spent so many years putting into loving him and trying to be a good wife to him that i lost all the love for myself and it's like now where did all the years go i've really changed. I think back and now i say what have i become i have to get back to me and start putting me first.

Personally, I think this is where a lot of us make this mistake we forget about loving ourselves. We want to be the perfect mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend but we forget who we are in the process. Without going in to much details I do understand where you're coming from. Saasygirl its time to make YOU important your needs matter too no one is going to love you more than you love yourself. Even though the issues are being resolved you need to be selfish in a good way your needs matter as well. Most husbands take that for granted the fact that you will always stand by them no matter what till you make a firm stand.

 

[sassygirl2]

Yes, this is so important because men know when you are serious and when you realize your worth. Also, I didnt mean to imply that you should leave your husband or that you should prepare yourself to leave. I think its a very personal decision and I know many married people who have endured cheating and it was worked out in the end IF, IF, IF, both people are willing to be committed. I am just saying that getting yourself together will make things much more clear.

Have you read The Lady, Her Lover and Her Lord by TD Jakes? This book helped me out *tremendously* when I was going through some things. TD Jakes' writings are so powerful and really feeds the spirit. I would recommend you get some spiritual books that deal with relationship and self worth to help guide you through the process.

I knew what you meant about leaving he says that he wants to work it out and do right by me yada, yada, yada, and that he doesn't want to lose me and the kids its just hard to trust him like i use to or shall i say love him like to use to.

I will be looking for that book when i go out this week i also heard that Joyce Meyers book "Mind over Battlefield " is a good book.

 

[Evolving78]

I haven't read all of the responses, but have you really forgave him? Once you forgive someone you come to peace with yourself. Not saying that the hurt will leave or that you will trust him again, but if you are going to stay, then you have to fight for your marriage. You have to pray like you have never prayed before. You are going to have to love your husband like never before. And it is going to be so hard because you feel like he doesn't deserve it, but remember all the things that God had forgiven you for and use that to motivate you to move forward in your marriage. Find out how things what went wrong and what mistakes you made. Not saying that certain things gives a man a right or reason to cheat and I'm not saying you did anything wrong because he is the one that cheated, not you. I know that If my husband cheated, I might could pinpoint, where things went wrong. To me, men are more needy that women. You could go to work, come home, cook, clean, take care of the kids, be good in bed, and something will still be missing. Go back to when you first fell in love with him and why you married him and use that as support. I hope everything works out for you and you husband.

 

[sassygirl2]

I haven't read all of the responses, but have you really forgave him? Once you forgive someone you come to peace with yourself. Not saying that the hurt will leave or that you will trust him again, but if you are going to stay, then you have to fight for your marriage. You have to pray like you have never prayed before. You are going to have to love your husband like never before. And it is going to be so hard because you feel like he doesn't deserve it, but remember all the things that God had forgiven you for and use that to motivate you to move forward in your marriage. Find out how things what went wrong and what mistakes you made. Not saying that certain things gives a man a right or reason to cheat and I'm not saying you did anything wrong because he is the one that cheated, not you. I know that If my husband cheated, I might could pinpoint, where things went wrong. To me, men are more needy that women. You could go to work, come home, cook, clean, take care of the kids, be good in bed, and something will still be missing. Go back to when you first fell in love with him and why you married him and use that as support. I hope everything works out for you and you husband.

I have forgave and i want to work it out but i do feel like he doesn't deserve my love any more. He says he didn't feel love and i'm like how can you say that when i was fighting everyday for him to come home after work spend time with me you know the things us women need in a man. Now he says he was being stupid and he always had everything he needed in me, and that he was hanging with the wrong crowd my thing is how could a 30 something year old man be still dealing with peer pressure i say he wanted to be out there with the trash. I tell him all the time i don't let my friends say or do what goes on in my marriage lord know i got friends that marriage license should never have their name on it. I put up with all his issues and i never cheated on him, then he just sit there looking at me like i was crazy or something girl you know i wanted to pop the day lights out of him. :hardslap: I'am trying to love him like i use to but every time he does something i thing back to what he did. I have to keep praying for god to heal my heart and make strong.

 

[Evolving78]

I have forgave and i want to work it out but i do feel like he doesn't deserve my love any more. He says he didn't feel love and i'm like how can you say that when i was fighting everyday for him to come home after work spend time with me you know the things us women need in a man. Now he says he was being stupid and he always had everything he needed in me, and that he was hanging with the wrong crowd my thing is how could a 30 something year old man be still dealing with peer pressure i say he wanted to be out there with the trash. I tell him all the time i don't let my friends say or do what goes on in my marriage lord know i got friends that marriage license should never have their name on it. I put up with all his issues and i never cheated on him, then he just sit there looking at me like i was crazy or something girl you know i wanted to pop the day lights out of him. :hardslap: I'am trying to love him like i use to but every time he does something i thing back to what he did. I have to keep praying for god to heal my heart and make strong.

Girl you make me wanna cry. I will pray that you find peace in whatever you decide to do. Have you guys though about conseling? Or maybe you could go for yourself. I went with my Dh and now I'm considering about going to conseling for myself. He sounds like he likes the idea of marriage, but not really ready to fully commit to it. I guess in order for things to work he is going to have to let his bachelor ways go. He can't do what his friends are dong anymore. He has to realize the family comes first. This is the life that he chose. Did you watch that show on VH1 with Scott Baio 45 and Single? It was interesting to see that he had a friend that wasn't ready for him to give up being single because he would not be able to get the women and go to the parties that they used to go to. He ended cutting that friend off.

 

[donna894]

I am so touched by your posts. Your situation is not an easy one. Do you feel your husband is truly turning away from his previous behavior and is committed to doing everything he can to make your marriage work? It might be helpful for you and he to get joint marital counseling to work through this. You can not make a marriage work all on your own.

 

[dreamer26]

Hi guys i'm new here i've been lurking for awhile now so i guess i come on out with it and ask for prayers for forgiveness my husband cheated on me with someone i knew in the process i was friends with one of her family members i mean good friends, now that was two years ago i decided to stay and work it out then last year i find out he cheated again with the same lady i still find in my heart to forgive again and try to work it out. But i know i'm suppose to submit to my husband and forgive and forget but know i feel like i want to cheat too, i know 2 wrongs don't make it right but i can't shake these feelings. I want him to feel the hurt and the pain he has caused me, i want to bust her head until the white meat show.

I feel for you but I wanted to address this statement in bold, you can forgive him but you will never forget. Even if the marriage take a turn for the best that is a memory you will forever have, so don't feel bad that you keep remembering this incident that is normal.

Now what will help you is, if you decide to stay and work this out this can not be something you dwell on. Yes you will have the thought but you will have to learn how to let those negative thoughts go if it is to work. You can not use his mistakes as a weapon when you feel like it.

If you decide to stay be faithful, and be the wife and mother and friend and sister that you are suppose to be. Always be true to yourself. If you decide to stay you can't throw this up in his face and catch attitudes and withhold sex cause you're mad and hurt.

If you decide to stay get counseling, and work through/pass this issue so that it will not continually be a thorn in your marriage.
I've seen marriages becoming stronger after an infidelity, so

If you decide to stay, I keep saying that because although this is a diffcult choice it is none the less a choice you will have to make and if you decide to stay, you're saying to him, I'm willing to work this out and fight for my marriage and love you pass your faults. Pray about it and then be lead of God because he will never let you down.

 

[Blackoutzangel05]

This situations touches home for me more than my feeble heart would like to admit and your post touched me. My first suggestion is to ask God daily, girl when I say daily I do mean daily, to forgive and soften your heart. I pray daily that God correct my ways because I know that I am not an easy person to love. The regaining trust back is the hardest part but I believe that it has to be all or nothing. You can not trust your husband 1/2 way. You have to trust him with all your heart or else that seed of doubt is going to grow and grow and the relationship is going to be an unhealthy one for all involved. My mother once told me, if you can't forgive and never bring it up EVER again, then you need to move on for the best of both of you. When I found myself in that situation I knew that it was going to take more out of me then it was going to take out of him and if I couldn't handle it, then I needed to move on. It is very hard and for a while the communication was strained but day by day its getting better. I don't let a day go by that I don't let my husband know that I love him. Sometimes I will be sitting in the bathroom and the thought will come to my mind and I rebuke the devil right then and there. I tell the devil that what God has joined together, let no man put us under. Because I know that God brought me and my husband together, I know that no man is going to tear us apart. My husband had a moment of weakness and I have forgiven that. Your husband has had weak moments and you have chosen to forgive that. Now you make him cut off all ties with bad friends and the woman, without a doubt I held firm to this. And together you start to rebuild your marriage. You have to ask yourself is this what God is leading me to do....when I first found out, leaving my husband never crossed my mind. I could see the hurt on his face and from that moment on I knew that he would never do it again. Do you have that same confidence in your husband? Counseling could be the right thing or simply sitting down and having that "goodbye" to the situation conversation...either way my prayers are with you during this hard time because believe me, I know the pain all too well....

 

[sassygirl2]

I am so touched by your posts. Your situation is not an easy one. Do you feel your husband is truly turning away from his previous behavior and is committed to doing everything he can to make your marriage work? It might be helpful for you and he to get joint marital counseling to work through this. You can not make a marriage work all on your own.

Hey donna i do feel he changed a whole lot he's not doing none of the things he used to do, and i tried to get him to go counseling but he won't do it he keep saying we don't need to spend all that money waisting on counseling.

 

[sassygirl2]

Thanks you know my mom keeps tell me those same words thanks alot.

Hi guys i'm new here i've been lurking for awhile now so i guess i come on out with it and ask for prayers for forgiveness my husband cheated on me with someone i knew in the process i was friends with one of her family members i mean good friends, now that was two years ago i decided to stay and work it out then last year i find out he cheated again with the same lady i still find in my heart to forgive again and try to work it out. But i know i'm suppose to submit to my husband and forgive and forget but know i feel like i want to cheat too, i know 2 wrongs don't make it right but i can't shake these feelings. I want him to feel the hurt and the pain he has caused me, i want to bust her head until the white meat show.

I feel for you but I wanted to address this statement in bold, you can forgive him but you will never forget. Even if the marriage take a turn for the best that is a memory you will forever have, so don't feel bad that you keep remembering this incident that is normal.

Now what will help you is, if you decide to stay and work this out this can not be something you dwell on. Yes you will have the thought but you will have to learn how to let those negative thoughts go if it is to work. You can not use his mistakes as a weapon when you feel like it.

If you decide to stay be faithful, and be the wife and mother and friend and sister that you are suppose to be. Always be true to yourself. If you decide to stay you can't throw this up in his face and catch attitudes and withhold sex cause you're mad and hurt.

If you decide to stay get counseling, and work through/pass this issue so that it will not continually be a thorn in your marriage.
I've seen marriages becoming stronger after an infidelity, so

If you decide to stay, I keep saying that because although this is a diffcult choice it is none the less a choice you will have to make and if you decide to stay, you're saying to him, I'm willing to work this out and fight for my marriage and love you pass your faults. Pray about it and then be lead of God because he will never let you down.

 

[envybeauty]

you are not alone. forgiveness to me is two-fold.

i know that one should forgive for the sake of forgiving alone and then part of me says that forgiveness involves the other person wanting to be forgiven. if the other person is not seeking your forgiveness, then what.

The second part seems to be what you are dealing with. if he truly wanted your forgiveness, then wouldn't you feel that? do you feel he wants to be forgiven? if not, why not? why does he not seek forgiveness? and not just from you but from God also...he should be seeking forgiveness from God first. Is he? (Assuming you got married in a religious ceremony).

Doouble dipping is what is of concern. Cheat on me once, shame on you. Cheat on me twice, shame on me.

You will have plenty of unanswered questions. Some he will never answer (as they never do). That said, could you live with that?

 

[sassygirl2]

I have to admit things are better between us we laugh more and cuddle more sometimes i have to rebuke the devil constantly the devil will come to my mind and tell me how a he say he love me and still cheat and if he lied back then he's probably lying now. I'm praying daily that he change the both of us.

This situations touches home for me more than my feeble heart would like to admit and your post touched me. My first suggestion is to ask God daily, girl when I say daily I do mean daily, to forgive and soften your heart. I pray daily that God correct my ways because I know that I am not an easy person to love. The regaining trust back is the hardest part but I believe that it has to be all or nothing. You can not trust your husband 1/2 way. You have to trust him with all your heart or else that seed of doubt is going to grow and grow and the relationship is going to be an unhealthy one for all involved. My mother once told me, if you can't forgive and never bring it up EVER again, then you need to move on for the best of both of you. When I found myself in that situation I knew that it was going to take more out of me then it was going to take out of him and if I couldn't handle it, then I needed to move on. It is very hard and for a while the communication was strained but day by day its getting better. I don't let a day go by that I don't let my husband know that I love him. Sometimes I will be sitting in the bathroom and the thought will come to my mind and I rebuke the devil right then and there. I tell the devil that what God has joined together, let no man put us under. Because I know that God brought me and my husband together, I know that no man is going to tear us apart. My husband had a moment of weakness and I have forgiven that. Your husband has had weak moments and you have chosen to forgive that. Now you make him cut off all ties with bad friends and the woman, without a doubt I held firm to this. And together you start to rebuild your marriage. You have to ask yourself is this what God is leading me to do....when I first found out, leaving my husband never crossed my mind. I could see the hurt on his face and from that moment on I knew that he would never do it again. Do you have that same confidence in your husband? Counseling could be the right thing or simply sitting down and having that "goodbye" to the situation conversation...either way my prayers are with you during this hard time because believe me, I know the pain all too well....

 

[sassygirl2]

Now that is the question he said he ask god to forgive him and that he wants to change his life around, i think he really wants me to forgive him but when i want to talk to him about it he never wants to talk about am i wrong for wanting to talk about?

you are not alone. forgiveness to me is two-fold.

i know that one should forgive for the sake of forgiving alone and then part of me says that forgiveness involves the other person wanting to be forgiven. if the other person is not seeking your forgiveness, then what.

The second part seems to be what you are dealing with. if he truly wanted your forgiveness, then wouldn't you feel that? do you feel he wants to be forgiven? if not, why not? why does he not seek forgiveness? and not just from you but from God also...he should be seeking forgiveness from God first. Is he? (Assuming you got married in a religious ceremony).

Doouble dipping is what is of concern. Cheat on me once, shame on you. Cheat on me twice, shame on me.

You will have plenty of unanswered questions. Some he will never answer (as they never do). That said, could you live with that?

 

[envybeauty]

Now that is the question he said he ask god to forgive him and that he wants to change his life around, i think he really wants me to forgive him but when i want to talk to him about it he never wants to talk about am i wrong for wanting to talk about?

go with your gut. if someone says he wants something, then he has to be willing to work for it. that includes talking out how you feel and what you would need to know to be able to forgive. Even going before God, one has to submit, humble himself, and pray for forgiveness. It is not automatic.

 

[kweenameena]

I don't really have much advice because I usually avoid threads like this so I don't rehash the old feelings I have from dealing with this myself. Whew!! But what has helped me is to focus on God and myself. And growing in Christ! I was told that once I get myself together with Christ...he'll make everything else fall in place. I have to trust God to take care of it! So far....I can tell he's been working in him. And he's in Iraq!!

 

[sassygirl2]

I don't really have much advice because I usually avoid threads like this so I don't rehash the old feelings I have from dealing with this myself. Whew!! But what has helped me is to focus on God and myself. And growing in Christ! I was told that once I get myself together with Christ...he'll make everything else fall in place. I have to trust God to take care of it! So far....I can tell he's been working in him. And he's in Iraq!!

I have grown closer to god since all this started, thanks anyway.

 

[imsovain]

My husband and I have been through that. Very, very, very painful. What saved our marriage is my husband and I joined the 12 step Christian recovery program called Celebrate Recovery at our church. It was the best thing we've ever done:

http://www.CelebrateRecovery.com


One book that really helped was "Surviving An Affair" by Willard and Jennifer Harley. Get it if you can. We both read it.