Bunny77
New Member
Lots of discussion in the blog world looking at how many Indians enter marital relationships! I found this article today and what this woman had to say pretty interesting... it's actually pretty close to how I've felt over the last two years about dating and marriage.
I particularly like the bolded parts.
http://www.egothemag.com/archives/2008/10/reva_sheth_1.htm
Reva Seth
By Sangeeta Kumar
Reva Seth wears many hats - strategic communications, policy, research and writing and until recently corporate law.
Growing up in a white suburban community her parents were the only couple who hadn’t dated and the only ones that were still together. This set off a life-long curiosity about arranged marriages.
Her book, First Comes Marriage - Modern Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages examines "the Western model of life and especially love and how it can learn a great deal from the arranged marriage approach to relationships".
This provocative and unique perspective on arranged marriages offers seven time-tested secrets to evaluate a potential mate.
EGO: Congratulations on the book. It is an interesting take on a timeless tradition. Before we launch into what the book offers tell our readers about yourself. I believe you’re an attorney by profession.
Reva: Thank you! Yes – I am trained as a lawyer and practiced corporate law for just over a year. Since then, I’ve been working in strategic communications, policy, research and writing – very much a “portfolio career.” I recently moved from the UK back to Toronto and have one son who is almost 2 ½ years.
EGO: Jews from Morocco, the Chinese - is their approach to arranged marriages very different from the South Asian one? What are some of the cultural specifics that resonate?
Reva: What was really interesting was that although the individual details varied, the basic approach to arranging a marriage in all these communities is very similar to the one used by South Asians – a specific list of criteria, the involvement of families and a strong emphasis on shared values and backgrounds.
EGO: Essentially, the message seems to be that there is a more meaningful ideology to leading a fulfilling life and love doesn't have to wait for Cupid to strike. It can be created. It’s a perspective that might be rooted in a strong community support system. How do you see it fitting into the Western model of life?
Reva: I am certainly not suggesting that people have an arranged marriage but I definitely think that the Western model of life and especially love can learn a great deal from the arranged marriage approach to relationships. One lesson is the idea of taking a proactive and focused approach to our love and realtopnship lives. I think that for many of us, our dating lives are the result of who we happen to meet and be attracted to – although we research our colleges and plan our careers we are uncomfortable with the idea of taking a conscious and definite approach to our love lives. This probably comes from the Western cultural ideal that “real love” should just happen and come into your life. But as a result, it can leave us waiting passively or caught up in relationships that aren’t right for us.
A second transferable lesson from the arranged marriage model is the idea of having realistic and reasonable expectations from our partners and relationships. What I really noticed is that women in arranged marriages have a real understanding of the idea that husbands are life partners and not life savers. In contrast, so many of us today don’t even realize how much we expect from our partners. And while having high expectations is good, unrealistic ones are not since we just become frustrated when the men in our lives can’t live up to the men in our heads.
EGO: You say, “Sexual chemistry is not always organic”. Can you elaborate on that?
Reva: What I mean by this is that too often we expect sexual attraction to be instant and when it doesn’t happen like that we discount the person and move on. But what I found in my interviews is that genuine sexual attraction can grow over time and that often how we feel about someone else depends on how we are feeling about ourselves.
EGO: Being a liberal, one would expect some references to same-sex unions. Surely their experiences are different considering the obvious issues but at the same time many are in committed unions. Was this omission a conscious decision?
Reva: In the conclusion I do mention that that the point of the book is not convince anyone to have an arranged marriage or that they are better and I do discuss the flaws of the approach. Specifically, its an approach that brings together people from the same race and religion, something that seems to work but sits uncomfortably with my personal views. As does the fact that you are unlikely to have an arranged same sex union. As a supporter of all types of consensual relationships, I do think that the seven overarching lessons of the book can apply to all types of relationships.
EGO: While your book doesn’t advocate arranged marriages as the ultimate panacea, rather, it suggests lessons to be drawn from them, what can one learn from the flip side of arranged marriages, evidenced by stories of abuse and misrepresentation?
Reva: I am very careful to acknowledge that the 300 women I spoke with were happy arranged marriages and were most likely a self selecting group – happy women were the ones that wanted to speak with and share their stories. The stories of abuse and forced marriages are certainly areas that deserve more focus and as with all issues of domestic violence greater support from the community at large to help those in those situations.
However, First Comes Marriage really focused on just flip side of arranged marriages, the normal happy couples and families who come from a cultural landscape that views marriage and not women differently.
EGO: Relationships come in many flavors – the ‘open’ relationship is one form. There’s the account of the woman in Queens who has three ‘committed’ relationships. How do the lessons apply to people in these situations?
Reva: I think the overarching lesson of the book – that would apply to anyone whether single, married, dating or in an open relationship is that as a culture we have made finding relationship happiness incredibly difficult for ourselves. And what I really learned from my interviews and study of arranged marriages – and what I would like people to take away from it is that if we look at other models and shift our thinking even slightly, maybe it won’t be so difficult.
EGO: What’s next? A sequel or perhaps a TV show?
Reva: I’m working with my agent on some upcoming projects – but nothing definite as yet!
EGO: Thank you for your time and good luck with the book. Before we sign-off is there anything else you’d like to add for people to reflect on?
Reva: Not really - but thank you for your interest and if any readers would like to share their thoughts or stories with me they can reach me at: www.firstcomesmarriage.com
I particularly like the bolded parts.
http://www.egothemag.com/archives/2008/10/reva_sheth_1.htm
Reva Seth
By Sangeeta Kumar
Reva Seth wears many hats - strategic communications, policy, research and writing and until recently corporate law.
Growing up in a white suburban community her parents were the only couple who hadn’t dated and the only ones that were still together. This set off a life-long curiosity about arranged marriages.
Her book, First Comes Marriage - Modern Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages examines "the Western model of life and especially love and how it can learn a great deal from the arranged marriage approach to relationships".
This provocative and unique perspective on arranged marriages offers seven time-tested secrets to evaluate a potential mate.
EGO: Congratulations on the book. It is an interesting take on a timeless tradition. Before we launch into what the book offers tell our readers about yourself. I believe you’re an attorney by profession.
Reva: Thank you! Yes – I am trained as a lawyer and practiced corporate law for just over a year. Since then, I’ve been working in strategic communications, policy, research and writing – very much a “portfolio career.” I recently moved from the UK back to Toronto and have one son who is almost 2 ½ years.
EGO: Jews from Morocco, the Chinese - is their approach to arranged marriages very different from the South Asian one? What are some of the cultural specifics that resonate?
Reva: What was really interesting was that although the individual details varied, the basic approach to arranging a marriage in all these communities is very similar to the one used by South Asians – a specific list of criteria, the involvement of families and a strong emphasis on shared values and backgrounds.
EGO: Essentially, the message seems to be that there is a more meaningful ideology to leading a fulfilling life and love doesn't have to wait for Cupid to strike. It can be created. It’s a perspective that might be rooted in a strong community support system. How do you see it fitting into the Western model of life?
Reva: I am certainly not suggesting that people have an arranged marriage but I definitely think that the Western model of life and especially love can learn a great deal from the arranged marriage approach to relationships. One lesson is the idea of taking a proactive and focused approach to our love and realtopnship lives. I think that for many of us, our dating lives are the result of who we happen to meet and be attracted to – although we research our colleges and plan our careers we are uncomfortable with the idea of taking a conscious and definite approach to our love lives. This probably comes from the Western cultural ideal that “real love” should just happen and come into your life. But as a result, it can leave us waiting passively or caught up in relationships that aren’t right for us.
A second transferable lesson from the arranged marriage model is the idea of having realistic and reasonable expectations from our partners and relationships. What I really noticed is that women in arranged marriages have a real understanding of the idea that husbands are life partners and not life savers. In contrast, so many of us today don’t even realize how much we expect from our partners. And while having high expectations is good, unrealistic ones are not since we just become frustrated when the men in our lives can’t live up to the men in our heads.
EGO: You say, “Sexual chemistry is not always organic”. Can you elaborate on that?
Reva: What I mean by this is that too often we expect sexual attraction to be instant and when it doesn’t happen like that we discount the person and move on. But what I found in my interviews is that genuine sexual attraction can grow over time and that often how we feel about someone else depends on how we are feeling about ourselves.
EGO: Being a liberal, one would expect some references to same-sex unions. Surely their experiences are different considering the obvious issues but at the same time many are in committed unions. Was this omission a conscious decision?
Reva: In the conclusion I do mention that that the point of the book is not convince anyone to have an arranged marriage or that they are better and I do discuss the flaws of the approach. Specifically, its an approach that brings together people from the same race and religion, something that seems to work but sits uncomfortably with my personal views. As does the fact that you are unlikely to have an arranged same sex union. As a supporter of all types of consensual relationships, I do think that the seven overarching lessons of the book can apply to all types of relationships.
EGO: While your book doesn’t advocate arranged marriages as the ultimate panacea, rather, it suggests lessons to be drawn from them, what can one learn from the flip side of arranged marriages, evidenced by stories of abuse and misrepresentation?
Reva: I am very careful to acknowledge that the 300 women I spoke with were happy arranged marriages and were most likely a self selecting group – happy women were the ones that wanted to speak with and share their stories. The stories of abuse and forced marriages are certainly areas that deserve more focus and as with all issues of domestic violence greater support from the community at large to help those in those situations.
However, First Comes Marriage really focused on just flip side of arranged marriages, the normal happy couples and families who come from a cultural landscape that views marriage and not women differently.
EGO: Relationships come in many flavors – the ‘open’ relationship is one form. There’s the account of the woman in Queens who has three ‘committed’ relationships. How do the lessons apply to people in these situations?
Reva: I think the overarching lesson of the book – that would apply to anyone whether single, married, dating or in an open relationship is that as a culture we have made finding relationship happiness incredibly difficult for ourselves. And what I really learned from my interviews and study of arranged marriages – and what I would like people to take away from it is that if we look at other models and shift our thinking even slightly, maybe it won’t be so difficult.
EGO: What’s next? A sequel or perhaps a TV show?
Reva: I’m working with my agent on some upcoming projects – but nothing definite as yet!
EGO: Thank you for your time and good luck with the book. Before we sign-off is there anything else you’d like to add for people to reflect on?
Reva: Not really - but thank you for your interest and if any readers would like to share their thoughts or stories with me they can reach me at: www.firstcomesmarriage.com
see umm yeah those guys don' fall in the 'dating" category--women need to learn that
I completely agree with 
and 
I'm like WTF have you been doing all of this time? 
. We hit it off, met and he was basically who I'd been busting my butt looking for here (it's an LDR but I kinda knew that I would go that route anyway). Yes we are from the same place 
